Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 7 - The One Where Ross Moves In - full transcript

Are you looking at naked tribeswomen?

No, look.

That's a pig.

I know.
But look at the knobs on it!

Emily's cousin kicked me out.

- What?
- Why?

When you sublet
from your wife's cousin...

then you divorce, sometimes
the cousin wants his apartment back.

Didn't you sign a lease?

Who needs a lease when it's "family"?

You can stay with us.



Anything you need.

But you have to let us know
when you feel better...

so we can make fun of your hair.

You got it.

Thanks, I really appreciate this.
I'm going to get packing again.

I've been moving around so much
that I feel like a nomad.

- What?
- He thought you said gonad.

The One Where Ross Moves ln

If every place were this clean,
it'd be tough making a living.

Oh, Larry!

Do health inspectors
work on commission?

No, bribes.

- It's okay to laugh?
- I was just kidding.

- I'll check the kitchen floor.
- Knock yourself out.



I don't get violations.
You could eat beans off that floor.

But don't, because that'd be a violation.

Yummy!

Yeah, I'd let him check out
my kitchen floor.

A ninety-eight.

I deducted two points
for not wearing your hat.

That is a Section 5 violation.

Now look, Larry, honey.

I wrote the book on Section 5.

You only need to wear it
in the kitchen.

- Where's your hat?
- In the kitchen. I'll get it.

There's the two points!

You should really read
that book you wrote.

You saw the hat in the kitchen and
knew she'd go in hatless to get it.

You could have your own
health inspector detective show.

I don't know about that.

But then I could be
your sidekick, Voonda.

Maybe I could ask Voonda
to dinner sometime?

She would love that...

since you know
all the clean places to eat.

I'll call you.

He's so funny!

Thank you.

How's Ross doing
since all the Emily stuff?

He's not great.

But he's dealing with it.
Wait, you're not

I can't get started
with all that Ross stuff again.

He'll be screwed up for a long time.

Besides, I don't go for guys
right after they get divorced.

Right, you only go for them
five minutes before they get married.

- Two pounds of mocha java.
- It's Danny.

Are you going to go out again?

I don't know.
He hasn't called since we went out.

I see him in the hallway.
We flirt. I'm all:

And then nothing.

Wow, thirsty.

I'm having a party on Saturday.
Sort of a housewarming thing.

- Fun.
- Great!

I'm looking forward to it.

See you!

So I guess we won't
be warming his house.

All right, I see what he's doing.

He's not asking me out
because he wants me to ask him out.

And you won't do that.

That's right!

Because that would give him
the control.

So now he comes up with this
"I've got a party" thing...

to get me to hint
for an invitation.

Blew up in his face, didn't it?

So there is no party?

No, there's a party.
There's a party.

But the power?

That is still up for grabs.

You follow me?

I think so.

So he won't invite you to his party
because he likes you?

Exactly!

Then why didn't he invite me?

To throw me off.

Hey, roomies!

I love what you've done
with the place.

I know it's a lot of boxes.

- I appreciate you letting me stay here.
- Not a problem.

Since you'll be here a while...

we could put your name
on the answering machine.

I hope you don't mind...

but I kind of already
jazzed it up a little.

Check it out.

We will

We will call you back

Pretty cool.

- You're fake laughing too, right?
- The tears are real.

You look beautiful this evening.

Show me the badge again.

Shiny.

You mind if I wash up?
Who knows where these have been?

You are just nonstop!

- We're out of here.
- Why?

I saw 10 violations.
I'm shutting this place down!

- You have the power to do that?
- This does.

Shut it down.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You built a fort, didn't you?

Kind of.

Oh, my God! The air purifier.
Ross' air purifier.

All I heard for four years
through college was....

You should have gone out
once in a while.

- I hate this thing!
- Come on, Chandler.

Ross is our friend.
He needs us right now.

So why don't you be a grownup
and come watch TV in the fort?

Can't believe that Larry closed down
Churman's. I love that place.

You should have heard
about all their violations.

Larry said that they
should call it Vermin's.

That guy just plain kills me.

I wanted to invite you to the party.

Thanks, I'll try to stop by.

Actually, I think
I'm going to be busy.

You are?

Remember, I've got that gala?

What's the gala for?

It's a regatta gala.

Do you sail?

No, but I support it.

I hope I see you tomorrow night.
Take care.

Walked right into that one,
didn't he?

What one?

You wanted him to invite you
and he did.

He waited until the last minute.
So if I said yes...

he'd know I had nothing better
to do than wait for his invitation.

But I said no...

which puts me back
in the driver's seat.

So the ball is in his court?

Ball?

No, there's no ball.

Hey, Phoebe, you want to join us?

- Oh, sure, yeah. Where is this from?
- It's from Sun Ling's.

Oh, Larry just told me
something about Sun Ling.

Oh, no, thank you.

Joey, please.

Sorry.

Hello, children.

You want to play some foosball?
Please?

We moved the table into my room
because of all the boxes.

Come on!

I have one question.

What is the deal with this?

Bye-bye, little puppet Joey hand?

No, the quiet down thing.

You mean this.

I don't know how much more
I can take.

Did you know he taped over my Baywatch
tape with a show about bugs?

My God!

What if that had been porn?

All right, this may be tough...

but it's Ross.
I survived college with him.

I guess I can hold out
a little longer.

Let's have a game.

Fellas?

So he's out of here.

Got anything to eat?
I went to Jono's and it was closed.

I took Larry there, but it was all
violated, so we shut it down.

If this guy keeps closing our
favorite places, where will we eat?

I don't know. Clean places?

Yum!

It's Danny.

Don't let him in!
I'm supposed to be at a gala.

We'll be right there.
Can't you say it's later?

What kind of a regatta gala
starts at night?

The fake kind.

- I need a ladle. You got a ladle?
- We have a ladle.

See you at the party.

You know what Larry would say?
He'd say, "See you ladle."

I'm done. You want anything?
Sports? International?

Apartment listings?

I'll take sports.

Mine!

All right, international.

That's mine too.

I'm ltalian.

I could check apartment listings,
though there's never anything here.

Not even on page seven?

You're right.
Here's an affordable place.

Two-bedroom, close to work.
It's available in five weeks.

What about that circled one?

It's kind of expensive for a studio.

But it's available now.

Isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Let's go look at it!

There we go!

Guys, would you chip in for some
new air filters for the purifier?

I mean, after all,
we are all using it.

Let's go quicker!

Oh, my God!

Look at this kitchen/bathroom.

That's great!
So you can cook while in the tub.

Somebody was using his head.

Let's check out
the rest of the place.

I think this is it.

I don't know.
Maybe we should keep looking.

But this place is available now.

You don't want to be stuck
with us for five weeks.

So you think I should
take this place?

It's perfect!

How about you?

Kitchen, slash, bathroom.

I see what you guys are saying.

I'll go downstairs
and fill out an application.

We are bad people.

He knew we were trying
to get rid of him.

Could we get a bathtub
in our kitchen?

Ready for dinner?

- Absolutely.
- Great.

You wanted to go to
the ltalian place on Bleecker St.?

I love that place!

So, no.

How about Mama Lozetti's?

Sure.

How long has that milk
been sitting out?

No, this place is totally healthy.

This milk is mine.
I bought this today...

because I was thirsty for milk,
you know?

Okay, let's go.

Hey, buddy.

Health Code 11 B requires that refuse
be taken out the back exit.

But then I have to go
all the way around.

So you choose convenience
over health?

Would you be interested in a free coffee?

Stop, Larry.

Can't you just be Larry and not
Larry the health inspector guy?

It was exciting at first.

But now, it's like, so where
are we going to eat ever?

I suppose I could give him a warning.

Thank you.

Go, go!

If, after dinner,
you still need to bust someone...

I know a hot dog vendor
who picks his nose.

Maybe we did good,
helping Ross get back on his feet.

That was a nice place.

No closet space, but he could hang
his stuff out the window in a bag.

What do we do?

I don't know.

Maybe pizza?

About Ross!

It's the apartment manager.
Ross put us as references.

Ross is the greatest guy.
He's very reliable

Of course, he has a big, huge dog
that barks into the night.

Well, who doesn't love dogs?

He's a tap dancer.

Yes, some would say
that is a lost art.

He's a pimp!

There you go. He's a pimp.

He's a big, tap-dancing pimp!

- Okay, honey, I'm ready.
- What are you doing?

I am going to wander into the party
and I will be all, you know:

"l don't need this,
I'm coming from a regatta gala."

Did you get this out of a book?

Monica, honey, this is as real as it gets.

This is never going to work.
He's right there.

Just go say hi.

I have to go downstairs and back up,
as if I'm coming home from the gala.

So just go distract him.
But don't be sexy.

What's going on?

This is a great party.
Great food.

You know, most parties, it's all
chips and salsa, chips and salsa.

So....

What's this?

Salad.

And what's this?

Bread.

Aren't you a chef?

Right, tonight was your party.

You look great!
I'm glad you made it.

Well, you know,
the gala had to end sometime.

Don't go anywhere.
I'll be right back.

Whose court is the ball in now?

I thought there wasn't a ball.

Come on. He's glad I came.
He doesn't want me to go anywhere.

Ball's flying all over the place.

This is my friend, Tom.

This is the girl I told you about.

Come on!
You telling people about me?

I think you two
could really hit it off.

I'm gonna go mingle.

So you work at Bloomingdale's?
My mom calls it "Bloomies."

At ease, soldier!

I'm sorry?

You can just drop the act.
I know what's going on.

You're Danny's wingman, right?

You guys are best buds, frat bros.

I'm going to go talk to a friend.

Yeah, you go talk to your friend.

Go tell him, "Nice try."

He just keeps lobbing them up...

and I keep knocking them
right out of the park.

I think I need a drink.

Ninety-eight...

ninety-nine...

one hundred!

Okay. Go.

Dude, I'm telling you, I'm fine.

Here we go, here we go.

So I didn't get that apartment.
Some problem with my application.

You're kidding?

But Phoebe said I could stay
at her place for a while, so....

Well, you can't stay with Phoebe.
We're roomies.

You don't need me
taking up all your space.

We got plenty of space.
There's still some by that speaker.

Please, just stay.

Are you sure?

- Definitely.
- You have to stay.

So I'm a pimp, huh?

It's okay.

Sometimes I can be a pain in the ass.

But just talk to me.
Tell me if something bothers you.

And I'll do everything I can
to keep my annoying habits just....

Well, I see you've had
a very productive day.

The cowboy hat's a little much.

Come on, it's fun!

All right.

Isn't this a woman's hat?

Stop talking crazy, and make us tea!