Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 3 - The One Hundredth - full transcript

I'm Phoebe Buffay, and I have
babies coming out.

Have you started having contractions?

Not yet. I heard they really hurt.
Do they?

Oh, my God!

Which of you is the father?

None of them are.
The father is my brother.

I'll miss watching you
freak people out like that.

This is for the babies
to look at someday.

Do you want to say anything
before it starts?

Hi, kids! It's me, Aunt Phoebe.

Can't wait to see you.
Please don't hurt me!



What took you so long?

Your cab left when ours did.

We went back because
I forgot my jacket.

You're not wearing one.

Oh, man! I did it again!

Someone has to call
Frank and Alice.

My mom might What are you doing?

I've got to get the "before" shot!

The One Hundredth

We spoke to the nurse.
The reason your doctor is late...

is because she's not coming.

She hit her head in the shower.

Oh, my God. She's so stupid!

Phoebe, it's gonna be okay.



I don't see three kids
coming out of your vagina!

Listen. The nurse said
the doctor is wonderful.

He's head of the department.

All right. Oh, dear God, save me!

I'm having my first contraction!

Oh, it's not bad.

And so the miracle of birth begins.
And l

You okay?

Something hurts.

It's sympathy pains.
That's so sweet!

I didn't know I cared that much.

I'm Dr. Harad.
I'll be delivering your babies.

You'll be in good hands.
I've been doing this a long time.

I'll be back to do your internal.

Just relax, everything looks great.

And also, I love Fonzie.

Did he just say he loves Fonzie?

That's what it sounded like.

All right.

Am I late?
Nobody came out yet, right?

No, we haven't started yet.
Where's Alice?

Delaware. Until she gets here,
I'll be your coach.

Don't worry. She told me
about the LaMazda stuff.

If you get the babies out
by month's end...

you get two percent financing.

Monica, you're gonna be
very proud of me.

I just got us dates with two
unbelievably cute nurses.

Oh, my!

They're male nurses.

Not in my head.

They want to take us out
Saturday night! What do you say?

I don't think so.

What are you talking about?

You've been telling me
to get over Ross and move on.

I'm moving on and so are you.

Why don't you want to go?

Why don't you give me
a good reason...

and I'll tell you if it's true.

- What?
- Harder than it sounds, isn't it?

You're coming.
And when they get off...

we'll go get some Jello with them.

There's always room for Jello.

How do you make that dirty?

It's easy.
I can do it with anything.

Grandma's chicken salad....

Get a shot of this.

These are the headlines
when you were born.

Now, girl baby, turn away.
And boy babies...

check it out!

This is what naked women
looked like when you were born.

Now let's dive into the good stuff.

Okay, I'm having another one!

This one doesn't hurt eith
Yes, it does!

I was kind of hoping that was it.

Where are Monica and Rachel, anyway?

A couple of nurses asked them out.

Really? Male nurses?

Yeah, I was bummed too.

So they're going on dates.

- When?
- I think Saturday.

- What's with him?
- Sympathy pains.

It was sweet at first, but now I think
he's trying to steal my thunder.

Let's see what we got here.

Oh, you know, Fonzie dated triplets.

This Fonzie person
you keep referring to...

is that another doctor?

Oh, no, no.

Fonzie is the nickname
of Arthur Fonzerelli.

The Fonz.

All right.

It's not that weird, is it?

It's very weird!

I don't want some guy down there
telling me I'm "dilated-a-mundo."

He doesn't seem to be
impersonating Fonzie

What are you doing?

Why are you defending him?
Just get me another doctor...

who isn't crazy
and doesn't Fonzie!

Again, it's not

Hey, there you are!

There's something you should know.

Is this about you dating the nurse?
Joey told me.

I am so fine. You and l,
we're just nothing.

Just goofing around.

I was about to tell you
I was getting out of it.

But if we're just "goofing around,"
maybe I will go out with him.

Fine. Maybe I will too.

Hey! Look what I found
in the gift shop.

Get up! Get up! Get up!

This is Dr. Oberman.

He has no strong feelings
about Fonzie...

or any of the Happy Days gang.

You're going into what grade?

I'm actually a first-year resident.
I graduated early.

Me too.

I should have specified
I'd need a grown-up doctor.

Really, I'm fully qualified

Doogie!

Doesn't anybody understand that
I'm going to be having babies soon?

Go, little boy! Go!

Oh, cool. You made him cry!

Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid
you've got kidney stones.

Well, what else could it be?

It's kidney stones.

Or....

Kidney stones.

- If it was something else?
- Well, that would be "kidney stones."

You're getting there.

These babies are very, very lucky.

They are? Why?

They'll be born
on the Fonz's half-birthday.

Happy Birthday.

Just to clarify...

I'm not Fonzie.

It's a terrific thing that you're having
these babies for Frank and Alice.

No, it is.

Can I tell you a secret?

I want to keep one.

Oh, I'm gonna be on the news.

You must be kidding.

You know you can't keep
one of these babies.

Maybe I can. You don't know.

I do. Frank and Alice will
want to keep all their children.

Maybe not. You know?

Three babies are a handful.

Maybe they'll want to unload one.

I hate to miss an opportunity
because I didn't ask.

Phoebe, no. This is insane.

Just ask him.

What? Me?

I can't ask him!

Do you know how inappropriate
that would be?

All I'm saying is,
just talk to Frank.

Just feel him out.

No. I will not ask Frank
to give you one of his kids.

You're right.

Tell him it's for you.

Feeling better, sweetie?

Maybe a little.

Wish you hadn't seen me throw up.

Me too.

I just heard. What's up?

Kidney stones!

Ordinarily, we try to break
the stones up with shock waves.

But they're too close to the bladder.

Either we wait for you to pass them
or else go up the urethra

No, no, no, no.
Nothing is going up, okay?

Up is not an option.
What's a urethra?

Are you crazy?

Did you ask him?

No, I haven't had a chance yet.

I'm kind of on a clock here.

Oh, Fonzie.

You know who I always liked?
Mork.

Undo it. Undo it.

Fonzie met Mork.

Mork froze Fonzie.

But Fonzie was already cool.

So he wasn't hurt. Right?

Yeah, that's right.

How you doing?

Okay. Doctor says any minute now.

You know, Alice is going
to be here so soon.

You couldn't just do me a favor
and, like, hold them in?

Sorry, I'm in the middle of
the last favor you asked me to do.

This is Dan, one of the guys
we're dating on Saturday.

Nice to meet you.

I'm really looking forward
to Saturday night. Really!

So, Dan...

nurse, not a doctor, huh?

Kind of girlie, isn't it?

That's okay. I'm doing this
to get through medical school.

And it didn't feel "girlie"
during the Gulf War.

Sure.

Thanks for doing that for us,
by the way.

Why wait till Saturday?
Are you free tomorrow?

Sure.
I'll get somebody to cover me.

Great!

Hey, you and me, Saturday night?

- No.
- All right, very good!

This is a big one.

Get these things out of me!

Breathe! Breathe through the pain.

I want the drugs, Ross!

I do too! I do too!

Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye.

That was Alice's mom.
Alice left five hours ago.

She should be here.

She'll make it on time.

So, Frank...

three babies.
That just seems like a lot, huh?

Not to me.

Fair enough.

You're at ten centimeters.
Time to start having babies.

I want only the father here.

- We love you.
- Good luck.

I need a clamp, a sterile towel
and Channel 31.

What is that?

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, no! It's a good one.
Fonzie plays the bongos.

Ready? Time to try pushing.

Ready? Time to try peeing.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
It's almost time to try peeing.

Push. Concentrate on pushing.

I see the head.

Yes, it has a head!

Keep pushing. Come on.

I can't believe somebody's coming out!

There's somebody coming out of you!

- It's my son!
- All right.

Here's your first baby!

Yes! We got a baby boy!

Frank Junior, Junior!

How does he look?

So gross!

Okay. You ready to push again?

I already had a baby.
Leave me alone!

Come on, you can do it!
You can do it!

Little Leslie's here!
We got another one!

Oh, my God! I can't believe
I have two children.

How scary is that?

Come on, little Chandler,
it's time to be born.

He's coming! Yes, he's coming!

Hey, where's his thing?

Chandler's a girl!

Oh, God! Kindergarten flashback.

They read the sonogram wrong,
because they thought it was a boy.

But Chandler's a girl!

Okay, keep saying it.

- Am I too late?
- No, no. Everything's okay.

There's 30 fingers and 30 toes.

We have our babies?

We have our babies.

Oh, my God!

You did it, man.

Would you like to see them?

They're so small.

- I'll call you tomorrow.
- Great.

Are you really going to date
that nurse man?

You and I are just
"goofing around."

I thought, why not
"goof around" with him?

I don't know if you've looked up
"goofing around" in the dictionary.

Well, I have...

and the technical definition is:

Two friends who care a lot
about each other...

and have amazing sex...

and just want to spend
more time together.

But if you have this new
dictionary that gets you mad at me...

then we have to get you
my original one.

I am so bad at this.

- You're better than you think you are.
- Really?

Okay. So if?

- Know when to stop.
- I sensed that I should stop.

So we're okay?

I'm gonna go tell Dan that
it's not gonna happen.

- Don't do the dance.
- Right.

You're my favorite.

- Which one do you have?
- I don't care.

Frank and Alice want me to tell you
they're making phone calls.

Did you talk to them
about, you know....

No, honey.

It was a long shot.

You guys? Can I just have
a second alone with the babies?

So here you are.

Seems like yesterday I was talking
to you in that petri dish.

Everyone said labor was
the hardest thing.

But they were wrong. This is.

Well, I had the most fun
with you guys.

I wish I could take you home
and see you every day.

I'll settle for being
your favorite aunt.

I know Alice's sister has a pool,
but you lived in me.

Okay, so we're cool.

We're gonna be great.

Little high-fives.

Well, if you're going to cry....

Phoebe, we are so proud of you.
You're amazing!

I know.

Does it hurt as bad as they say?

You won't be able to take it.

Now that little Chandler is a girl,
what'll they name her?

They'll call her Chandler.

Kind of a masculine name,
don't you think?

It works on you.

Maybe they can girlie it up a bit,
like Chandlerette.

Alice called her Channy-fanny.

Ha-ha, Channy-fanny.