Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 23 - The One in Vegas: Part 1 - full transcript

- Phoebe, could you get that, please?
- Why?

Just because you're too lazy
to get up off your tushy?

No, it's just that all the people in the world
I would want to talk to are right here.

Sucker.

Hello?

- Hey, Joey!
- Hey, Phoebe.

I need a favor.

I forgot the PlN to my ATM card.
Can you get it for me?

Sure. Where is it?

I scratched it on the ATM machine
on the corner.

So you're 5-6-3-9?



That's it! Thanks.

- Wanna talk to Chandler?
- Let me talk to him.

He didn't believe in my movie...

which is a big mistake,
because it is real. Real.

Tribbiani, get back to work.
Break time's over.

- Who was that?
- My stunt double. Yeah.

He's getting a little too familiar
for my tastes.

I've tried to apologize.

If I can't do it on the phone,
I'll go and do it in person.

I heard that. Can you put him on?

Don't come out here.

I support you 100% and I wanna prove
that to you in person.

I got that. I forgive you.
Don't come out here.

You haven't taken
my calls for a week.



I'm totally over it. Friends forever.
Don't come out here.

Would you mind doing
a picture with us?

- What was that?
- Entertainment Tonight.

Good talking to you
and don't come out here.

The One in Vegas

Monica? I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm so sorry.
Have you been here long?

That's okay.

What the hell took you so long?

You can't tell Chandler.
I ran into Richard.

- Which Richard?
- The Richard.

Richard Simmons? Oh, my God!

No, my ex-boyfriend Richard.
You know, the tall guy, mustache.

Okay, that actually
makes more sense. How was it?

It was really nice. We talked
and I had lunch with him.

That's weird. I dreamed
you had lunch with Richard.

- Really?
- Again, Richard Simmons.

Go on.

The strange part was
he was really nice...

and he looks great,
but I didn't feel anything.

So why can't we tell Chandler?

It'll freak him out and tomorrow's our
anniversary. I don't wanna spoil it.

I can't believe you guys
have lasted a whole year!

Wow, I owe Rachel 20 bucks.

On a totally different bet.

- It's almost our anniversary!
- I know.

One year ago today, I was just
your annoying friend Chandler.

Now you're just
my annoying friend Chandler.

I got you a gift.

- It's not till tomorrow.
- I know, but you have to open it today.

Okay! There you go!

It's two tickets to Vegas!

Yeah! For this weekend!
It'll be perfect.

You'll see Joey, plus, we'll start
our celebration on the plane.

We can call it our "Plane-aversary."

Do we have to?

This is great, but Joey didn't want
any of us there.

He doesn't want us to go to any trouble.
He'll be excited when we surprise him.

Plus, we get to have
our own "Anna-Vegas-ry"!

"Anna-vada-versary!"

I think we should see other people.

We can go, right?

Great idea.

I'm gonna go too!

Phoebe, it's kind of
our anniversary.

You won't ditch me
like you did with London.

Ditch you? You were pregnant

Great story. I'm going.

Listen, this weekend we're all gonna go
to Las Vegas to surprise Joey!

Including me!

Do you wanna go?

I can take a couple days off work.

Of course you can take a couple days
off, because this trip includes me!

I've got a presentation tomorrow.
I can't miss that.

I've got tickets to the Van Gogh
exhibit. I waited a year for this.

Art lover.

What'd you say?

I said, art lover.

- Was that supposed to be an insult?
- I don't know, I'm very tired.

- Rach, maybe we can fly out Saturday?
- Sounds great.

I'll call the airlines.

That'll be nice to have
the apartment to myself.

To walk around naked.

No, so I can be by myself.
Have a little alone time.

Naked alone time.

Just because I'm alone doesn't mean
I wanna walk around naked.

You live alone,
you don't walk around naked.

Why does it takes me so long
to answer the door?

So far, is this trip to Las Vegas
better or worse than the trip to London?

So far, it's pretty much
the same, Phoebe.

What about after I give you
these candies?

I guess it's a little better now.

Las Vegas, 1. London, 0.

I'll be back.

Happy Plane-aversary.

I love you.

- Can I give you your present now?
- Okay!

Oh, don't tell me I did this.

I love "l forgot the present" fake-out!

How about "I did forget the present,
forgive me" not fake-out?

You can give it to me
when we get back.

This is the worst thing
that could happen.

You decided to tell him
about the Richard thing.

What "Richard thing"?

Oh, no.

What "Richard thing"?

Simmons. Go with Simmons.

I ran into Richard yesterday.

He asked me if I wanted to go
for a bite and I did.

I didn't tell you
because you'd get mad...

and I didn't wanna spoil
our anniversary.

I'm not mad.

Really?

So you bumped into Richard.
You grabbed a "bite."

No big deal.

Great.

Okay, London, 1.

This is gonna be a real horserace.

Oh, look what happened.

Check me out.

I'm in my kitchen...

naked.

I'm picking up an orange.

I'm naked.

I'm lighting the candles.

Naked. And carefully.

Oh, my God! That's Rachel, naked!

I can't look at that.
I am looking at this.

Okay, vivid colors,
expressive brush strokes.

Unless she wants me
to be looking at that.

She knows I'm home.

She knows I can see her.

What kind of game is she playing?

I think maybe someone's lonely tonight.

Dr. Geller.

Stop it. You're being silly.

Or am I?

Love to love you baby

Love to love you baby

Love to love you baby

Darn it!

May I come in?

Yeah, if you want to.

Do you want me to?

Yeah, sure?

So do l.

Okay, Rach, before anything happens...

I wanna lay down a couple
of ground rules.

This is just about tonight.

I won't go through with this
if it'll raise the question of "us."

I just want this to be...

about what it is.

And...

what is that, Ross?

The physical act of love.

What, are you crazy?

So you weren't trying to entice me
just now with your nakedness?

Oh, God. You saw me?

You weren't trying to entice me
with your nakedness?

You actually thought
I wanted to have sex with you?

Oh, wow. I'm sorry. But, Ross,
you kicked off your shoes.

- Can we just forget this ever happened?
- Of course. You're right. I'm sorry.

- Thank you.
- Yes.

- I guess I'm gonna go pack.
- Okay. Wait, one more thing.

Do we still need to settle
the question of "us"?

Hey, you guys, wait! You guys.

This place is much better than London.

A lady dressed like Cleopatra
gave me this.

Ninety-nine cent
steak and lobster dinner.

You don't eat animals.

For ninety-nine cents I'd eat you.

I can totally settle down here.

It's got everything I could ever want.
Including Joey! Look!

Look! Hey!

Oh, my God.

Love your condoms, my man.

Why are you here?
I told you not to come.

Why are you dressed as a gladiator?

Because I'm shooting a scene right now.
I play a gladiator.

Hold on a second. Can we cut?

My friends are here.
I'm gonna take a break.

Who are you talking to?

The director.

Her.

All right, it's not a gladiator movie.
I work here.

Why? What happened?

The movie shut down.
Ran out of money.

I'm working here till it starts up,
if it ever does.

- I'm so sorry.
- Such a drag.

Sorry I didn't tell you.
I'm sorry.

Apparently there's
a new policy of not sharing.

- I knew you weren't okay with that.
- So you're a gladiator!

What's going on?

- Monica had lunch with Richard.
- Dawson?

But that would've been so cool!

Her boyfriend Richard.

It meant nothing. After all this time,
how can you not trust me?

When you go lunching with hunky men
and don't tell me!

You're right. I'm sorry.
I should've told you.

Thanks.

- There we go.
- Now I love Vegas.

I promise you next time
I absolutely will tell you.

- "Next time"?
- So close.

There won't be a next time.
You cannot see him again.

I cannot see him?
You can't tell me what to do.

That's funny, I think I just did.

If you act like this,
I won't be around you.

- Fine.
- Happy anniversary!

Guys, please! Come on, come on.

This is obviously
a misunderstanding.

No, it is not.

Don't look at me.
I just work here.

Okay, Ross? I'm a little warm,
so I'm gonna be taking off my sweater.

Now, I'm just letting you know...

this is not an invitation
to the physical act of love.

Yep, that's hilarious.

I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done.

You know, last night was
embarrassing for you too.

No, not really. You've seen me naked
hundreds of times.

But it was a first for the rest
of my building.

That's true. But I just don't embarrass
that easily.

What? You totally get embarrassed.

No, I don't. Ross, I think I'm just
a more secure person than you are.

- Is that so?
- Yeah.

Hey, lady!

I don't care how much
you want it, okay?

I am not gonna have sex
with you in the bathroom!

You know, in Roman times,
this was more than just a hat.

- Really?
- Yeah, sure, sure.

They would scrub the floors.

They'd use it to get the mud
off their shoe.

Sometimes underneath
the horse would get dirty.

So they would stick it right

I can't believe this is how
I'm spending my anniversary.

I'll take you someplace nice.
A guy tipped me $100.

He was playing blackjack
for an hour and he won $5000.

Can you believe that?

If I won $5000, I'd join a gym.

Build up my upper body...

and hit Richard from behind
with a stick.

Wait! Why don't I just
do what that guy did?

I'll take this $100,
turn it into $5000...

and I'll turn that into enough
to get my movie going!

Good luck.

I don't need luck.
I've thought this through.

I see.

Thanks.

I can't believe this.
This is like the worst night ever.

You had a minor setback
in your relationship.

Big deal. It's only Chandler.

I am so sorry.

This is crazy.
Such a stupid argument....

I don't wanna see Richard.

So go fix it.

Find Chandler.
He's probably in your room.

Tell him sorry and you love him.

You're right, Phoebe.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Yeah! Las Vegas! Number one!

Anybody lose this?

Coming out. Place your bet.

Dice her out.

Yellow 11. Pay the front line!

So I'm on my way back to the bathroom.

All right, all right.
Just keep walking, all right?

What are you? I am sorry, sir.

I think he just really likes you.

You know that teacher who had a baby
with her student?

- Can I help you?
- Yes.

Do you have any extra pants? My friend
seems to have had a little accident.

- Can I change $100?
- Changing $100.

- Good luck, sir.
- Thanks.

That's right.

- Thirteen.
- Hit me!

Oh, man!

Wait!

You are not gonna believe this!

I have found my identical hand twin.

What?

My identical hand twin!

What's an identical hand twin?

What does it sound like?

It's a guy with my identical hands.

It was incredible. The dealer's hands
were exactly like mine.

It was like looking
at my hands in a mirror!

You sure you weren't
looking at your hands in a mirror?

Don't you see what this means?
I can forget about that stupid movie.

I'm gonna be a millionaire!

- How?
- I don't have it all worked out yet.

But it's gotta mean big money.
Come on, identical hands!

Again, I must go back to...

how?

This is Vegas, man.
People will pay to see freaky stuff!

How much would you pay
to see this hand...

twice?

I can't really put a price on that.

Are you un-supporting me again?

I support you 100%.
I just didn't get it right away.

Now I'm caught up.

Identical hand twins.

It's a million-dollar idea!

Right? I know. Okay. All right.

What's that for?

Well, I gotta document this
before that dealer gets off his break.

I found my identical hand twin!

Oh, you're so lucky!

So where's Monica?
Did you guys make up?

But she just came up here.

That was Joey.

I wonder where she is?
It's so weird.

She's probably talking to Richard.

Would you stop that?

You know what she said
after her lunch with Richard?

She didn't feel anything for him.
She loves you.

- Really?
- Yes.

She feels terrible. She really wants
to make up. You've gotta find her.

Good.

I should really start wearing hats.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

- Did you enjoy your flight?
- I did.

Thank you very much.
It was excellent.

- I hope you had a nice flight.
- Oh, it was the best.

I think the check-in is that way.

Kids love me.

Hi, you guys are here!

What'd you do?
Did you go to a costume party?

Let me guess. Pancho Villa.

And you're Bob Saget.

Pancho Villa?

What are you talking about, Phoebe?
I don't

Oh, my God! You drew on me?

Hey, you wet my pants!

What kind of party was this?

I've been walking around like this?
You have so crossed a line.

Rach, wait.
The men's room is that way.

It's the third time she's won
on a machine I was playing.

I bet she's one of those people.

Mole people?

What? No, a lurker.

What's that?

When you're playing a machine
and it hasn't paid out...

a lurker waits for you
to give up and then

Kills you?

They swoop in and steal your jackpot.

- How do you know about this?
- My nana used to do it.

That's how she paid for my dance
Karate lessons.

Dance karate?

Yes, it's a deadly...

but beautiful sport.

- It won't come off.
- What?

It won't come off.

Oh, my God. Rach, are you sure?

I took it off
and then I drew it back on.

Rach, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm sure we can get it off, okay?

- Just give me your pen.
- Why? What are you gonna do?

Well, I believe I'm going
to stab you repeatedly.

Not here. There are cameras everywhere.

You made it!

Who's your friend? He's hot.

Thanks, man.

Listen, I talked to Chandler.
And I'm sorry about the movie.

Don't be sorry.

I don't need it anymore.
I found my identical hand twin.

Your what?

My identical hand twin.
The person whose hands are like mine.

- Were you looking for this person?
- Not even. This thing is a gold mine.

What?

That won't make you any money.

Well, fine.

None of you will live with me
in my hand-shaped mansion.

Except you.
You can live in the thumb.

All right, baby, come on!

I am on fire!

See you later.

What are you doing?

What's it look like? Going home.

Why?

Wait. Sorry, I was just playing
for one second.

If you don't want me to see
Richard again, I won't.

He means nothing to me.

Oh, come on. I was there.

I know he's the love of your life.

Not anymore.

Really?

Really.

All right?

Let's forget about going home
and celebrate our anniversary.

Okay, this is empty.

I wanted to make a dramatic scene,
but I hate packing.

Where's the other guy?

Which guy?

Tall, dark hair, hand looks
exactly like this?

I don't know about the hands,
but he went to the restroom.

How you doing?

- Very busy.
- Right. Okay.

Yes, hello. I have a question.

I used your pen to draw
on my friend's face.

A beard and a mustache.

Thank you.

No, she didn't think so.

I know. It's like Anyway....

Makeup didn't cover it, we've tried
everything and nothing's worked.

What do we do?

Thank you.

Yeah, it's not coming off.

What? What else did he say?

He said he thought I was funny.

Okay, look.
Let's just go downstairs...

we'll have some fun
and you will forget all about it.

There's no way I am leaving
looking like this!

Come on, Rach. It's not that bad.

Ross, I am a human doodle!

Just because some idiot drew on your
face doesn't mean you can't have fun.

Besides, no one will
even look at you.

This is Vegas. Hello?
There are tons of other freaks here.

There are tons of freaks here.
No other. No.

Come on. No one will notice. I swear.

There was some staring and pointing.

I need a drink.

They really overcharge you
for that stuff.

But who cares,
because it's all on me.

That is one big drink.

Macadamia nut?

Wow! That's some pricey nut.

Really like those macadamia nuts?

Nope.

Get out of here, you lurker!

Go on, get!

You made up.

I couldn't be mad at him
for too long.

She couldn't live
without the "Chand love."

Get a room.

- We have one.
- Use it.

Bye, Chandler. Bye, Mon.

Phoebe, Phoebe. Please pick up
a house phone.

You have a call from Chandler and Mon.

Hello, Chandler and Mon. Hello?

You dirty lurker!

I'm sorry, you are the same old
lady, right? Yeah. Dirty lurker!

That's right.
Take good care of those babies.

Excuse me?

It's me. Joey.

Do I know you?

Joey?

Yeah, the hand guy.

So, what are we gonna do
about this hand twin thing?

Nothing.

Look, you and I have been given a gift.

We have to do something with it.
Like hand modeling. Or magic.

And you know NASA's
gonna want to talk to us.

I have to get back to work.

We can have our own show.

We can clap our hands together.
People will love it!

And I wrote a song for us.

This hand is your hand

This hand is my hand

Oh, wait, that's your hand

No, wait, it's my hand

- That's okay.
- But you haven't even heard the chorus!

Oh, my God.

I look like my great-aunt Muriel.

All right, you know what?

We don't have to go downstairs.

We can bring Vegas up to us.

All right, come on.

We'll play some blackjack.
Here we go.

- Thirteen.
- Hit me.

Twenty-three.

Which is what we play to
at this casino!

You win 10 dollars!

- I bet 20.
- Right.

A new pair of shoes
for the Chan-Chan man!

I've never seen a roll like this!

That's right, baby!

What do I want now?

Eight?

- Six.
- Pick a number! That is your only job.

- Eight.
- Thank you.

If you get this,
we buy everybody a steak dinner.

Eight it is.

We're not buying steak dinners, are we?

- No.
- Okay, good.

- What do I want now?
- Try a hard eight.

- What?
- Two fours.

Eight!

Don't you let her go.
You're a lucky guy.

Thank you, Mr. Drunken Gambler.

You get this and we get
the biggest suite in the place.

We get the biggest suite in the place.

The biggest suite in the place!

Come on!

I love you!
I can't remember why we fought.

Because I had lunch with Rich

Me neither!

- What now?
- Another hard eight.

Hard eight?
Let's call it easy eight!

I'll tell you what.
You roll another hard eight...

and we get married here tonight.

Shut up!

It just got interesting!

What did you say?

You roll another hard eight,
we get married tonight.

You serious?

Yes. I love you.

I've never loved anybody
as much as I love you.

I've never loved anybody
as much as I love you.

So if an eight comes up,
we take it as a sign and we do it.

What do you say?

That's a four.

- And where's the other one?
- Under the table.

Nobody move!
You look that way, I look this way.

Here it is, here it is.

That could be 4 or 5.

It's your call.

It's a four.

I think so too.

Oh, well, lost again.

That's it. You and me. Outside!

I wouldn't want you to lose a chunk
of that pretty blond hair!

Be cool.

Okay, your lurking days are over.

What?

Everyone you lurk,
I'll lurk first.

You move on,
I'll be one step ahead of you...

every single time.

And then I'll be on your ass
every hour of every day...

till Monday...

because that's when I go home.

When do you leave?

Also Monday.

What time? Maybe we can share a cab.

Hit me.

Hit me.

We need more cards.

Yeah. And we also need more drinks.
Hold on a second.

Hello, Vegas?

We would like more alcohol.

You know what else?
We would like some more beers.

Oh, I forgot to dial.

That must be our alcohol and beers.

It's Joey! I love Joey!

Oh, I love Joey!

Joey lives with a duck.

Look, I need some help, okay?

Someone has to convince
my hand twin to cooperate.

I'll do it. Whatever you need me to do,
I'm your man.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Fine. Thanks.

Hey, Rach?

How you doing?

I'm doing good, baby.
How you doing?

Don't let her drink anymore.

Here's that macadamia nut.

No, something else.

So, what do you wanna do now?

I wanna get out of the room.

I really miss downstairs.

Okay, you know what? There is only
one way I am leaving this hotel room.

Well, hello!

I'm Ross.

- Good luck to you.
- Sir, you've got a little something....

Hello.

I won!

I won! I finally won!

I won! That was my quarter!

Take a hike, toots.

Excuse me, sir.

This lady played my quarter.
This is my money.

Is that true, miss?

Sells drugs to kids.

She sells drugs to kids.

It was my quarter.

Was it her quarter?

How about we talk
about this over dinner?

- Okay, lady, you're out of here.
- No, you can't arrest me!

I won't go back to that hellhole!

I'm just taking you outside.

I need something old, something new,
something borrowed and something blue.

Here's something blue and new.

You are so efficient.
I love you.

- Let's go.
- No, wait!

We need something old.

I have a condom in my wallet
that I've had since I was twelve.

That'll work.

I don't think so.

Now something borrowed.

Here, just take this.

That's stealing.

We'll bring it back.
Put it under your dress.

Okay. One thing at a time.

- Are you gonna play?
- No, I don't really have any money.

Not yet, anyway.

Can't sit here if you don't play.

My name is Regina Falangie.

I'm a businesswoman
in town on business.

Would you like to see my card?

What did I do with my Filofax?

I must've left it
in Conference Room B.

- Fourteen.
- Hit me.

Oh, my God.

May I just say that you two gentlemen
have the exact same hands?

They're identical.

I've never seen that
in the business world.

Stop it.

Miss Falangie, may I ask you a question
as an impartial person at this table?

Please stop it.

Wouldn't you pay good money
to see identical hands...

showcased in some type
of an entertainment venue?

If you leave now, I will chop off
my hand and give it to you!

Didn't I just throw you out?

No, you threw out Phoebe.

I'm Regina Falangie. Falangie.

Come on, lady.

Please take him too.

Me? Oh, come on, man.

Come on, buddy.

Don't let him do this. Come on!

I'm your hand twin!

Hello. One marriage, please.

We want to get married.

There's a service in progress.
Have a seat.

All right.

What are you doing?

The "Wedding March."
Does that freak you out?

No, it's the graduation song.

This is it.
We're gonna get married.

You sure you wanna do this?

Hello, Mrs. Ross!

Well, hello, Mr. Rachel!

Wait. Okay.