Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 22 - The One with Joey's Big Break - full transcript

What's going on?

My eye is a little itchy.

Mine too. Yeah.

It's really red.
You should go see my eye doctor.

I'm not gonna see your ex-boyfriend.

That's all I hear.
Richard, Richard, Richard.

Since we've dated,
I've said his name twice.

Okay. So Richard, Richard.

It's not Richard.
It's this new guy. He's good.

I'm sorry. I'm not going
to an eye doctor.

- Oh, God. Here we go.
- What?



Anytime anything comes close
to touching her eye or anyone else's...

she, like, freaks out. Watch.

Ross, come on!

I have a weird thing with my eye.
Can we not talk about it?

Hey, Rach. You know that great song?
"Me, Myself and Eye."

Monica! Come on!

All those in favor
of getting lunch, say, "eye."

Ross! Stop it!

How much did I love
The King and Eye?

Chandler!

Me too, me too!

Just stop it! That's enough!

- You okay there, man?
- Yeah. I got too excited.

The One with Joey's Big Break



I gotta go.
I'm taking Ben to the park.

- Give him a kiss for me.
- All right. Bye.

Later.

I'm so sorry you got caught
in the middle of that.

I didn't mean to be so out there,
but I am furious with him.

Calm down?

I'm trying.
Man, that guy can push my buttons!

Why are you so mad?

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- It seems like

You wanna be on my list too?
Keep talking.

Has anyone seen my list, by the way?

No. What's it look like?

- A piece of paper and it says, "Ross."
- I see.

I just got off the phone with Estelle.
Guess what?

I got the lead!

You got the lead in a movie?
What's it about?

It's called Shutterspeed.
It's really cool.

I meet this girl in the subway
and we fall in love in, like, a day.

And then she disappears.
But I find out where she lives.

This old lady answers the door.
I say, "Where's Betsy?"

And she says, "Betsy's been dead
for 10 years."

Chilling!

The best part is, we're filming
in the desert outside of Vegas.

- You know what that means.
- I know.

Road trip! We can rent a car.
I have to be there by Tuesday.

Wait! My grandmother's dead.

We can talk about that too, Phoebe.

No, her cab.

She probably won't be using it.
Drive it to Las Vegas.

All right! Thanks!

What are we gonna do about my job?

Not go.

Great! Road trip, baby!

Is this okay?

Chandler, you don't have to ask
for my permission.

You can go.

Rach, we'll be late
for the eye doctor.

All right. Let's get this over with.

Look what I did.

I mean, look at this mess.

We're gonna probably have to
clean this up.

I mean, we're gonna have to reschedule!

If you thought that this mess
was gonna bother me, you are wrong!

All right, let's go, Blinky.

Hey, Joey. What's up?

I can't decide which route
to take to Vegas.

You've traveled a lot, right?

Yeah, I've been around.

Which route should I take?
The north or the south route?

If you take the north route,
there's a man with a beard of bees.

Great! Problem solved!

On the south route, there's a chicken
that plays tic-tac-toe.

Well, back to square one.

I know a way that you can decide.

I'll ask you a series of questions
and you answer as quickly as you can.

Yes!

Good. But wait.

Here we go. I want you to relax.

Take a deep breath.

Clear your mind.

- Peanut butter or egg whites?
- Peanut butter.

- Be a fireman or a swimmer?
- Swimmer.

- You'd sleep with Monica or Rachel?
- Monica.

I always thought it'd be Rachel.

- No thinking. Tie or ascot?
- Ascot.

- North or south route?
- North.

Bam! There you go! Huh?

That was incredible!
Beard of bees here I come!

This guy again.

Hey, what's up?

Not much. Wanna see a movie tonight?

What do you wanna see?

I don't know.

I know how to decide.
Show him your game.

No, thank you.

What's with her?

I don't know.
I know how we can decide.

I'm gonna ask you questions
and you answer real quick.

- Action or comedy?
- Action.

Who would you rather sleep with,
Monica or Rachel?

Dude, you are sick.

I'm sorry. I forgot you had
that whole Rachel thing.

Oh, my God. What does that thing do?

- An eye removal machine.
- I'm out of here.

I'm kidding.

Rachel, I'm Dr. Miller.

Monica said you were nervous.
Everything will be fine.

- So we're done.
- Almost, but first we gotta start.

This is a glaucoma test. Sit down.

Put your chin here.

Now, you'll feel a small puff of air
in each eye.

What?

A small puff of air.
Now, come on!

Here we go.

One, two, three.

I'm sorry. All right.

I'm gonna stay in here this time.

Ready?

- One, two - I'm sorry.

You know what?
I'm gonna hold her head.

That's okay.

I'm sorry.

You're young.
You don't have glaucoma.

So it was very, very nice
to meet you, sir.

What are you? Are you crazy?

You got a small, minor infection
in that left eye.

Take these drops for a week
and you'll be as good as new.

No, I don't put things in my eye.

We'll see you here in three months.
And I'll fit you for a glass eye.

Give me the damn drops!

Dr. Miller?

P-E-C-F-D.

Very good, Monica!

- You know where they are.
- I sure do.

And you don't get one.

You know, those eye drops
are a miracle.

My eye is 100 percent better.

- They're still in my coat.
- Damn!

You ready to go?

How cold will it be there?
Will all these sweater vests be enough?

- What?
- I love you.

I wish Ross was coming with us.
I'll miss him.

Thanks. I just got
that jerk out of my mind.

Is the movie putting us up
in a big hotel suite?

Not really.
It's an independent film.

We don't have a big budget.
I'll stay in your room.

Once you get paid,
you'll be springing for a suite.

They must be paying you a lot.

For every dollar Shutterspeed makes...

one penny of it goes
right in Joey's pocket.

You don't get paid unless
it makes money?

Did you not hear the plot
of the movie?

"She's been dead for 10 years."

I'm gonna be a millionaire!

I wanted to say goodbye.

And to see if you guys would
place a little bet for me.

Twenty bucks on black 15.

- You got it!
- All right.

- You remember the number, right?
- Yeah, black 13.

- Black 15!
- You got it.

- All right. Bye-bye, now.
- Bye, you guys.

I'll say bye at the car.

Anyone wanna say bye to me
at the car?

I'll say goodbye to you at the car
if you don't mind the pus.

See you!

But wait a minute. The pus is good.
It means it's healing.

Hey, Phoebe. What you reading?

Hello?

Come on!

Sorry, I didn't see you there.

Phoebe, are you mad at me
or something?

If you are, please tell me
what it is I did.

- If you don't know, I can't help you.
- I don't know.

Well, I can't help you.

Well, whatever it is,
I am very, very sorry. Okay?

Apology accepted.

So we're good?

I'll see you later, okay?

Bye, fat-ass.

All right!

Will you please tell me what it is
that made you so mad at me?

I don't know! I don't remember!

What do you mean, you can't remember?

I was so focused on being mad at you,
I forgot what it was I was mad about.

If you can't remember,
can't we just forget about this?

Oh, no. I am mad at you.
I know that much.

But I'm sorry about the fat-ass thing
because you have a sweet, little heinie.

I'm getting pretty tired.
You'll have to take over soon.

We've been driving for a half-hour.
You haven't looked at the road once.

Don't worry. It's out there.

Maybe I just need lunch.
You wanna eat?

My treat.

Isn't that Ross' money?

Ross' treat.
Where do you wanna eat?

I don't know.

I know how we can decide.

I'll ask you questions.

And then you have to answer real fast.

So clear your mind.
Clear it right out. Clear it out.

It's all clear except for this image
of a small, purple lamp.

Is that all right if that stays in there?

I don't see why not. I guess.

You have to answer with the first thing
that pops into your head, okay?

- Would you rather be too wet or too dry?
- Too dry.

- Do you believe in ghosts?
- No.

- Will this movie be my big break?
- No.

- What?
- Yes.

- Dude, you said, no.
- I also said, yes.

- This won't be my big break?
- No.

I don't believe this.

Look, I just don't want you to get
your hopes up too high.

What are you talking about?
I'm the lead in a movie!

They're not even paying you!
This doesn't sound like a real movie!

I don't know why you're dumping
all over my big break.

I don't think this is gonna be
your big break.

Are you on this trip
to make me feel like a loser?

- I'd rather be alone.
- You don't want me here?

Not if you're like this.

The next time you ask me
a question like that, I'll lie.

I don't want you on the trip.

Why don't you pull over.
I'll get out now.

Fine.

Get out.

You can't stop on a bridge.

- Get out!
- Fine!

Wait! Wait! There's no sidewalk!

Yeah. I'm gonna die here.

Are you mad at me
because my hair gel smells?

Because I said your handwriting
is childlike?

No. That made me feel precious.

Because he's always
correcting people's grammar?

"Whom, whom." Sometimes it's "who"!

Yeah? Sometimes it's:

Did you beat him at a board game?
He's such a baby when he loses.

Okay, I'm the baby.

Hey! Stop it!

What are you doing here?

Joey kicked me out of the car
on the bridge.

- Why?
- I don't know. He went crazy.

We played that game where you
ask questions and answer fast.

That game should not be played
without my supervision.

I don't know what made him mad.

All I said was that
this wouldn't be his big break...

that it wouldn't do
anything for him...

and that it didn't sound real.

Okay, he should've
pushed me off the bridge.

What's in the bag?

I figured you'd be mad at me...

so I got gifts that I found
on the roadside.

- Who wants the one-legged teddy bear?
- I do!

- Not even close.
- I need help! I can't do this.

Come on. Let's do it.

Sit down.
All right, put your head back.

- Now open your eyes.
- Okay, they are.

- How many fingers am I holding up?
- Four.

I was thinking four.

- Really?
- Yes!

Why don't we start
with a practice one.

- No drops.
- Great!

On three. One, two, three.

My pillow's all wet!

Well, you said it was practice!

Why did you move?

I knew you were lying!

- Come here.
- What are you doing?

Stop it! Oh, my God!

I am going....

Turn it over!

I am going to get...

get these drops in your eye.

Oh, my God! You really are
freakishly strong.

Stop! Stop!

Stop it!

Damn, it's empty!

If Joey and Chandler walked in now,
we could make a fortune.

That is definitely Chandler,
Joey or Ross.

Or Rachel.

It's Joey.

Chandler told me what happened.
He's really upset.

Not as upset as he'll be when he finds
out what I did with his sweater vests.

What did you do to them?

There's a well-dressed
pack of dogs in Ohio.

I gotta ask Phoebe
something about the car.

Hold on one second.

- Hey, dude.
- Hey, Phoebe.

This wooden box keeps sliding out.
What is it?

My grandma.

And thanks.
She's having a great time.

Is that Joey? Let me talk to him.

Chandler's here.
He was wondering if

I guess he ran out of change.

How am I gonna apologize to him
if he won't even talk to me?

Send him something. So when he
gets there, he'll know you're sorry.

That's a good idea. I wonder where
I could get a basket of porn?

No, don't say, "I'm sorry," with porn.

You should send him
a carton of cigarettes.

Because that way he can trade it
for protection.

No. That's prison.

I know how we're gonna
figure this out.

Clear your mind...

and answer the first thing
that comes into your head.

- Do you like flora or fauna?
- Fauna.

- Simon or Garfunkel?
- Garfunkel.

- Why are you mad?
- You said I was boring.

When did I say that?

Oh, my God! I remember now!
We were playing chess.

Phoebe, you and l
have never played chess.

Remember that time on the frozen lake?
We were playing. You said I was boring.

Then you took off your energy mask
and you were Cameron Diaz.

There's a chance this
may have been a dream.

So this entire time, you've been
angry with me because of a dream?

Well, guess what, now I'm mad at you.

I wanted to make sure this wasn't a dream.

Otherwise we're wasting our time.

Stanley!

Your leading man is here.
Let's get to work.

Slight change of plans.

We've shut down.

What? Why?

It's a money thing.
We don't have any.

You're kidding, right?

What?

It's probably just temporary.

We're hoping to get some money soon.
Just hang out.

Hang out? How long?

I don't know. A week. Maybe two.
The money will turn up.

People always wanna invest in movies.
You're not rich?

Worth a shot.

Well, Joey, let me know
where you're staying, okay?

Hey, pal. Are you Joey Tribbiani?

These got left for you.

Thanks.

"Congratulations on your big break."

- Monica, it's Joey.
- Hey, Joey.

You remember me
even though you're a star.

Come on. It'll be years
before I forget you.

What's it like on a movie set?

Do you have a dressing room
and a chair with your name?

Yeah, yeah, I got all that going on.

Tell Chandler he couldn't
have been more wrong.

I gotta go, Monica. My sushi's here.

Sorry about that.
Thanks for waiting.

Everybody smile.

Thanks a lot. Enjoy your stay
at Caesars. We hope it's toga-rific.

Kill me. Kill me now.

Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide?

Go!

What are you doing?
Get off! Oh, my God!

Hold it open. Okay.

We'll see you in about
three or four hours.