Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 18 - The One Where Rachel Smokes - full transcript

Pick a card.

All right. Now, memorize it.

- You got it?
- Oh, yes.

Is that your card?

Yes.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi there!

Guess what.
Ben is gonna be in a TV commercial.

What are you talking about?

It's not for sure, but...

we met this guy in the park
who thought Ben was cute.

You know, which he is.
He gave us his card...



and told us to bring him
for this commercial he's auditioning.

This guy's the biggest commercial
casting director in town!

Ben takes one lousy walk
in the park and gets an audition?

I mean, way to go, Ben!

I've been in that park a million times
and no one's offered me an audition.

It's crazy. We were pushing
Ben on the swings

I'm always on the swings!

What am I doing wrong?

That.

The One Where Rachel Smokes

- Gotta go. Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

Since you work at Ralph Lauren,
can you get me some shirts?

I don't know if I'd feel comfortable
stealing on my very first day.

Unwilling to steal from work.



Interesting.

If anybody gets free stuff,
it's me.

Okay, guys, way to wish me luck.

Go get 'em!

Let's discuss Rachel's birthday.

I say we throw
a surprise party this weekend.

But her birthday's
not for another month.

If we throw her party on her birthday,
it's not a surprise.

Great! We can have a dinner party
and just invite her close friends.

Ross! We're having
a surprise party for Rachel.

Done.

Great. Wanna do it together?

I'd love to do it together!

They're gonna do it together.

That's my girlfriend.

So I gotta shut it down now?

I gotta go.
I'm picking up Ben...

and then we're off
to the big audition.

It's gonna be weird seeing some actor
pretending to be Ben's dad.

Weirder than seeing his two moms make out?

Dad? There's a dad
in the commercial?

Yeah. The dad and Ben eat soup
and pretend to enjoy it.

Maybe I'll go with you
and audition as the dad.

Who better to play Ben's father
than his godfather?

- You're not his godfather.
- What?

Are you kidding?

Of course I am.

- Okay, let's go, godfather.
- All right!

They're gonna let me audition!

Really? That's great!

One of the casting ladies
has actually seen me in a play.

So I steered clear of her.

And the other one, I know from....

Well, you know.

- That kid looks familiar.
- Oh, yeah.

He's done tons of commercials. I've seen
him in Sugar Smacks, PlayStation...

and that one
for the phone company.

He was so good, he convinced me
to switch phone companies.

Chandler was mad.

He's not gonna get this one.
Ben is way cuter than that kid.

I mean, look at him.

That's great.

Wouldn't it be great
if I got to play Ben's dad?

You look nothing like Ben.

I look more like him than you do.

I really don't know you
well enough for you to do that.

So it's down to these two.
Nancy, I know you like this one.

I think I agree.
Rachel, what do you think?

Well, that one is pretty...

but I just love this fabric.

Sorry.

Don't be. Part of your job
is to give your opinions.

Then I take credit for them.
I'm kidding!

She is kidding. But don't ever
disagree with her again.

Okay, now I'm kidding!

What a fun office.

I don't know which one.
But I do know I need a cigarette.

Let's take a break, go outside
and sort this out when we return.

- You smoke?
- No.

My dad's a doctor. And he would
always tell me horror stories....

About ghosts and goblins...

who totally supported
the princess' right to smoke.

And then they came back from smoking
and they'd made all of the decisions.

- That's not fair.
- I know.

It's like I'm being punished for not having
this disgusting, poisonous habit.

Yeah, it is the best.

What if this keeps happening?

They'll be smoking,
making the decisions...

and I'll be up in my office
breathing in my stupid clean air.

And when Kim wants
to promote one of us...

who do you think she'll pick?
Me or Smokey Smokerson?

We used to have
a smoking area at work.

It was great. There was this
big flowerpot with dirt in it.

We used to put our cigarettes out in it.

One of the old-timers told me
there used to be a little tree in there.

You can go down there and not smoke.
Say you want some fresh air.

I could do that.

Or you could do
the easy thing and smoke.

You gotta take long, deep drags.

Wow, I still don't have
my lung capacity back yet.

Rach, do you wanna go get coffee?

- I would love to.
- Oh, good.

I'm gonna go too.

Oh, good.

Oh, I changed my mind.

Let's talk about the party.
I have so many ideas.

Me too!

Oh, look at that.

This is a little sketch
of the cake. See?

Some sample menus.

I thought we'd start with
a Tuscan-style finger food.

And for music, here's an
alphabetized list of all of my CDs.

I've highlighted the ones
that'll go with the food.

- What about the intimate dinner party?
- We're not doing that.

Looks like you took care of
everything. Thanks a lot, cohost.

Wait a minute. There's plenty
of things for you to do.

Like what?

Cups.

You're giving me cups?

And ice.

Cups and ice? I get to be
in charge of cups and ice?

All right.

Fine. I will be
in charge of cups and ice.

- I can get ice at the restaurant
- I got it!

- How did the audition go?
- Not so good.

Wait a minute.
Are you doing Joey's:

"The audition didn't go so well....
Yeah, it did"?

Yeah, I am!

- Yeah, Ben got a second audition.
- That's great!

I had to teach Ross my bit because
I actually didn't get a callback.

You got a callback too, didn't you?

Yeah, I did!

What are you doing out here?

It got kind of lonely up there,
so I thought I would come out here...

and get some fresh air.

We're discussing the fall collection.

Oh, great.

Anyway, we really

- Sorry. We're smoking all over you.
- That's okay.

We'll move. You stay there.

I sent the designs to Ralph.
He was excited about it.

That's great! You are the best!

Excuse me.
Can I bum one of those?

Actually, this one's....

What's so funny over here?

I thought you didn't smoke.

You know, I thought you guys
meant marijuana cigarettes.

You know what I mean? Doobies?

Actually, I thought to myself,
"Those guys are crazy!"

But no, I smoke the
regular ones all the time.

We get high.

Me too.

I'm kidding.

Me too.

Oh, God! This is so nerve-racking.
How do you do this?

Fortunately, I don't get
many callbacks, so....

Is it a good sign that
they asked us to wait?

Who knows?

We have narrowed it down
to Raymond, Ben, Kyle...

and Joey.
The rest of you, thank you.

Yes! I knew it!

Bye-bye.

So long.

Later.

I'm not married to him anymore.
He's my ex-husband. I'm totally gay!

This is great!
I might get to play Ben's dad.

Actually, that can't happen.

Because you have
such different looks...

we're putting you with Raymond
and Kyle with Ben.

So it'll either be
you two or you two.

- This is gonna be kind of weird.
- Yeah, it is.

Yeah. It's gonna be weird.

No. We're like best friends.
That's why it's weird.

I thought we were just talking.

If Ben gets this commercial, do you
think you can get me some free soup?

Chandler, a can of soup is like 60 cents.

Yeah, okay, but I have been supporting
a 29-year-old ltalian for five years.

Is it okay if I leave this here
till Rachel's birthday party?

- Sure. What's in them?
- Cups.

Good, because we got Rachel
800 gallons of water.

That's a lot of cups.

I'm in charge of cups and ice.

And Monica's gonna rue the day
she put me in charge of cups and ice.

You know, I rued the day once.
Didn't get a whole lot else done.

Okay, time to bring up
the rest of the cups.

Ross, I'm glad you're here.

- I want to talk to you.
- What's up?

I've been thinking about this
commercial thing. Me against Ben.

The two of us competing.
That can't lead to anything good.

I think I'm just gonna step aside.
I'll tell them that I won't audition.

Joey, that's great. Thanks, man.

That's it?

You're gonna let me do this?
It's my career we're talking about!

But you just

I just said that
so you wouldn't let Ben do it.

If anyone should step aside,
it should be Ben.

- What?
- Chandler, tell him!

Well, let me get the door first.

Hi, no one!

Why should Ben step aside?

It was his audition in the
first place. You tagged along.

You're like the tagalong dad!

At least I care about his feelings.

What?

You know how hard it'll be on him
when he doesn't get it?

And why wouldn't he get it?

Come on!

Have you seen what my kid can do?

He dials phones,
he eats tortilla chips.

He plays soccer
with the cartoon tiger!

Are you saying your kid eats soup
better than my kid?

You just give him a spoon, baby.

Oh, yeah? I guess we'll see!

This commercial belongs
to me and Mitch!

- Your kid's name is Raymond!
- Yeah? So is yours!

- How did work go?
- It was great.

I went down there like you said.
And we talked business.

And Kim took my opinions.

You stink!

- Thanks.
- No, I'm serious.

That's because I went down there
and they were smoking.

This is actually the smell of success.

But there's something different

Oh, my God! You smoked!

I did not.

Yes, you did. You look
happy and sick. You smoked!

All right, fine! But I had to.
I had to do it for my career.

I wish I had to smoke for my career.

But it's so gross!

It's not that bad, you know?

Yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy
and my fingers sort of smell.

I actually feel like I could throw up.

- Can you hear yourself?
- I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm not myself.
I smoked like half a pack.

I feel a little shaky and a little weird.

But you gotta push past this, okay?
Because it's about to get so good.

You smell so smoky,
I gotta get up.

I'm not kidding.

I think you smell great.

So we're decided.
No on plaid, yes on pink.

Absolutely.

I'm so onboard.

- Didn't you just light that?
- Yeah.

But you know what?

I'm just really, really
trying to cut back, you know.

Good luck, Rach.

I've been thinking about quitting.

Every Sunday night,
I tell myself I'm quitting.

Every Monday morning, it's like:

Tell me about it.

We'll just quit. Let's all quit!

It sounds appealing.

- I never could do it.
- But you could. Absolutely.

We can help each other.
We could get those patches.

We could be like the Patch Sisters.

You know, we really should quit.
Okay, let's quit!

Great! Give me those cigs.
Come on!

Give it! Out. Done. Quit.

My late husband gave me that lighter.

I'm not kidding.

Okay, then.

Mmm... soup.

Mmm... soup.

Would you mind watching Ben for me
while I use the ladies' room?

- No problem.
- Thanks.

So you want to be an actor?
I gotta tell you, it's no picnic.

There's tons of rejection.
No stability.

I mean, one day,
you're Dr. Drake Ramoray.

The next day, you're eating
ketchup out of the bottle.

It's a tough life. I mean, sure,
you can get up whenever you want...

watch TV all day...

meet tons of women in acting class....

Oh, who am I kidding. I can't
talk you out of this. It's a great life.

- Joey.
- Ross.

Ben.

I mean, Ben. Ben.

Raymond, Joey, you're up.

So here's what....

Are you sure that I haven't seen you
somewhere before?

No, I haven't been in any plays.

All right, let's try one.
Whenever you guys are ready.

Is there a problem?

Well, this is noodle soup.
And I've been working with tomato.

But that's okay. No problem.

Mmm... noodle soup.

You know, that's fine.
But the line is, "Mmm... soup."

- What'd I say?
- "Mmm... noodle soup."

How's that different?

All right. Let's try one.

Mmm...

noodle soup.

Let's do it again.

Mmm... soup.

I mean, noodle soup.
I mean, soup!

Come on!

You know what?
We need to move on.

No, I could do it one more time.

Look.

Mmm... noodle soup.

Damn it!

So I think that if we get these samples
into the magazine by Monday, we'll be fine.

Sounds good.
So, Rach, how you doing?

- I'm great!
- No, with the not-smoking thing.

Kill me now.

Let me tell you something,
I ate 40 Mallomars today.

I mean, I have patches
all over my body, you know?

- I mean, I haven't slept in two days.
- We quit yesterday.

That's counting today.

But anyway, so these samples, I think

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry, I forgot. I have to go
to the mailroom and mail some proofs.

Go ahead. Rachel and I will just sit here
and keep brainstorming.

Also, Vogue called.
And they were wondering

You know what? I'm a little hungry. I'm just
gonna run down to the vending machines.

All right.

Busted!

Come on! What are you doing?
I thought we were the Patch Sisters.

That didn't work out.

Wait a minute.
What about all we've talked about?

You know, the disgusting place,
the ugly people.

Hey, how you doing?

We tried to quit.
But it was too hard.

If you started smoking again,
you could have at least told me.

Give me one.
What are we talking about?

Don't you give up.

That's why we didn't tell you,
and we won't drag you down.

Wait. No, no. Drag me down.

Forget it. We're so proud
of how well you're doing.

I won't let you blow it.
If I catch you, you're fired.

Go on, get out of here.
I don't want you breathing this stuff.

So, okay. You'll come with me
on the Paris trip?

Oh, man!

Check it out.
Cup hat, cup banner...

cup chandelier, and the thing
that started it all: the cup!

Great job with the cups.

Why don't you just go out with her?

Did you notice the ice? Look!

We have it all. We have crushed,
cubed and dry. Watch.

Mystical.

No one's eating my food.
They're eating her snow cones!

There are snow cones?

- Go, go!
- Thank you.

- You really did do a nice job.
- Thank you...

for stating the obvious.

I deserve that.

I just want you to know that if we ever
cohost a party together again...

- you can do whatever you want.
- Joey's got a birthday coming up.

- Really? What do you wanna do?
- Okay, I'd like to be in charge of beer.

Well, then there's nothing left for me.

- Look, look!
- Surprise!

What? My birthday is not
for another month.

That's the surprise.

Oh, my God, you guys!
This is so great! It's so unexpected.

I mean, Chandler's birthday
is even before mine.

Surprise!

This is so great!
Look at all these...

cups.

This is so weird.

I was in charge of cups.

Oh, okay. Not so weird.

- Chandler, what are you doing?
- Nothing.

- What's in your hand?
- Money. I'm stealing all the money.

Chandler.

But just one, okay? Because nobody
knows when my birthday is.

Let me make this clear to you, okay?

It's either that...

or this.

They were menthol.

Listen, man. I'm sorry
the audition didn't go well.

Yeah, right.

No, really. I am, Joey.
I feel bad.

Look, Ross.
You don't have to, okay?

It's not your fault I suck.

What kind of an actor can't even say,
"Mmm... noodle soup"?

You know what? Maybe you didn't
mess up your audition because you suck.

Maybe you messed up because
you care more about your godson.

What do you mean?

I think, subconsciously

You lost me.

I think, on some level,
you sabotaged...

your own audition
so Ben would get the part.

Your way sounds
a lot better than mine.

It's not that I'm a bad actor.

No, it's just that I care
so damn much about little Ben...

that it was more important
for me to see him succeed.

- There you go. Thank you.
- Thank you.

- So did he get it?
- No.

What are you gonna do?

Is Rachel Green here?
I'm meeting her for lunch.

She doesn't come down anymore.
You'll find her on 10.

Okay, great.

So we talked
about the presentation.

He wondered if one person
would be enough.

And I said, "Yeah, absolutely."

I'll catch you guys later.