Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 15 - The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey - full transcript

Chandler! Chandler!

I saw what you were doing
in the window!

I saw what you're doing to my sister!
Get out here!

Listen, we had a good run.

What was it? Four, five months?

That's more than most people
have in a lifetime. Goodbye.

- What are you doing?
- I am going on the lam.

Come on, Chandler.
I can handle Ross.

Hold on!

Hey, Ross. What's up, bro?

What the hell are you doing?



What's going on?

I think Ross knows
about me and Monica.

Dude, he's right there.

I thought you were my best friend!
This is my sister!

My best friend and my sister!
I cannot believe this!

We're not just messing around.
I love her.

I'm in love with her.

I'm so sorry that you
had to find out this way.

I'm sorry, but it's true.
I love him too.

My best friend and my sister!

I cannot believe this!

You guys want to probably
get some hugs in too. Big news!

We've actually known for a while.

What? You guys knew?



You all knew and
you didn't tell me?

We were worried about you. We didn't
know how you were going to react.

You were worried about me?

You didn't know how I'd react?

Okay. All right.

Let's clear out of here and let
these lovebirds get back to business.

I'm just talking here.
He's the one doing your sister.

The One With the Girl Who Hits Joey

You know what I just realized?

If you guys have kids

We're having kids?

I call godfather!

You can't just call godfather.

Shouldn't her brother be godfather?

Sure. If you cared enough
to call it first.

- You're a few steps ahead of us.
- Big zero gravity moon steps.

I just thought of
the greatest wedding gift.

I'll go in on that with you.
I couldn't decide.

Hey, Katie.

This is Katie.

You ready to go?

I'll run to the bathroom.

Where's lunch?

I was thinking Chinese food.

I love Chinese!

How did you know I love Chinese?

She is so cute.

You could fit her
in your pocket.

She could fit in that little pocket
inside the pocket.

I don't know. I like her a lot,
and she's really nice, but...

But what?

She keeps punching me.

In the cute, little
sweet way she just did?

It's a lot harder than it looks.

She's hurting me.

I know what you need.
You need a bodyguard.

What is Ben doing after preschool?

Joey is having a problem.
A little girl is beating him up.

Joey, come here.

Honey, I know. This must be
really difficult for you, and

I'm sorry, am I hurting you?

I brought you some housewarming gifts.

Salt, so your life always has flavor.

Bread, so you never go hungry.

And a scented candle for the bathroom.

Because, well, you know.

Thanks. Thanks.
And thanks, I guess.

Welcome. I'm Steve Cera,
president of the tenants' committee.

Ross Geller.
And this is my friend Phoebe.

Mr. President.

I came to talk to you
about Howard.

He is the handyman
who's retiring next week.

Everyone who lives here is kicking in
$100 as a kind of a thank you.

That's nice.

Want to give me a check?

Not now. You can
slip it under my door.

No, it's not that.

I just moved in.

Well, the guy's worked here
for 25 years.

Yes, but I've lived here
for 25 minutes.

Okay, I get it.

Wait! Look, I'm sorry, it's just
I've never even met Howard.

I mean, I don't know Howard.

Howard's the handyman.

Yes, but to me, he's just "man."

Okay. Fine. Whatever.

Welcome to the building.

Can you believe that guy?

I really like his glasses.

So then President Steve
told everyone I was a cheapskate...

and now the whole building hates me.

A little kid spit on my knee.

And told me to wipe it off
with my $100 bill.

You really should wipe it off
with something.

You know what?

I'll throw a party.
For everyone in the building.

And I'll sit them all down and
explain that I am not a bad guy.

I am not a cheap guy.
I'm just a guy...

who stands up
for what he believes in.

A man with principles.

Sounds like a fun party.

If you want them to like you,
why don't you just pay the $100?

The party will cost you more.

That doesn't matter!

It's my principles!
We're talking about my principles!

I thought it was about
your neighbors liking you.

They'll like me once
they come to my awesome party.

I gotta get some nametags.

And that crazy party animal
will be your brother-in-law.

Very funny.
But don't say that to Monica.

Don't put any ideas in her head.

You do realize that those ideas
are probably already in Monica's head?

Why?

Well, because she loves you
and because you love her.

Yeah, so? What's
that supposed to mean?

Don't freak out! I'm telling you
something you already know.

She left Richard because
he didn't want to have babies.

And she is a woman. And she's
almost 30. And, you know, it's Monica.

I don't see it that way.
I see two Monicas.

My friend who lives across
the hall and wants a lot of babies.

And the new Monica
who I started to date.

Now, who is to say what she wants?

I'm right.

Am I right?

Oh, absolutely.

I'm completely different from Richard.

He's an eye doctor,
and I don't wear glasses.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.
That makes everything different.

It's not different, is it?

Not unless different
means "the same."

You were so funny with that waiter.
You're such a nut!

You know, bread-stick fangs
are always funny.

No, you make them funny.
You're the funny one!

Look, Katie.
Listen, we need to talk, okay?

Look, I like you.
I really do. I like you a lot.

But sometimes when you
playfully punch me like that...

it feels like I'm being hit
with a very tiny but a very real bat!

Like I could hurt you.

Are you making fun of my size?

Don't make fun of me
because of my size!

Isn't this great?

Couldn't you just
stay like this forever?

Couldn't you just stay here forever?

Yeah, here, somewhere else.
You know, wherever.

Are you okay?

I'm cool.

Casual.

What are you doing?

Just hanging out. Having fun
with the girl that I'm seeing casually.

Man, I knew it!
I knew you'd do this.

What?

Get all freaked out because
everybody was joking about marriage!

Well, you do want
all that stuff, right?

You know what I want?

Yes! You want babies!
You have baby fever!

I do not have baby fever!

You're obsessed
with babies and marriage...

and everything that's
related to babies and marriage.

Why don't we turn the heat
down on this pressure cooker!

Have you lost your mind?

This isn't about me. This is about
you and your weird commitment crap!

I know you. I know the thoughts
that you have in your head.

You don't know everything.

Did you know I'm going out
with Rachel tonight instead of you?

And that the only baby here is you?

Did you know I can't even
look at you now?

I did not know that.

It'll be okay, right?
She won't leave me. This is fixable.

- Yeah, sure.
- Absolutely.

By me?

Unless you make some big gesture.

Big, though.

The missus!

Gunther, can I get a coffee?

To go.

I still don't want to talk to you.

Tell me how to make things right.

That's what we do.

I mess up, you tell me
how to fix it and I do.

And then you think I'm cute again.

I'm really tired of being
your relationship tutor.

Figure this out for yourself.

If you're afraid
of a real relationship...

then don't be in one.

Howard! Howard! Howard!

Hi, Ross!

What are you doing here?

I thought this was your party,
and it's a party for Howard.

He's the sweetest little man.

See you, Phoebe.
And thanks for chipping in.

Oh, sure.

You chipped in?

Yeah, $100.

I can't believe you gave him money.

I thought you agreed it was unreasonable
that they asked me for that money.

But they didn't ask me.

I'm just the exotic, generous stranger.
That's always fun to be.

But you're making me look bad.

No, I'm not! If anything,
I'm making you look better.

They'll see you
talking to me. I'm a hit.

Hey, Phoebe!

Hey, Ross.

Maybe you two could
switch apartments.

Because Phoebe is more
our kind of people.

Think about it.

Okay, my bad.

You look big.

Thanks, I've been working out.

Listen, is it obvious
I'm wearing six sweaters?

But it's not obvious why.

I'm breaking up with Katie,
so I put on some extra padding.

If she hits me when she is happy,
can you imagine how hard she'll hit...

when I take away the Joey love?

Oh, right. I forgot that you call it that.

Hey, cute jacket.

Thanks.

- That's so sweet!
- Ouch!

Did Joey tell you to say that?
You guys are too much!

You know what?
I gotta tell you...

I think you're the one
that is too much.

Joey has the nicest friends.

And the nicest girlfriend.

You're so sweet!

You're so sweet!

She just kicked me.

Aren't you going to do something?

Do something or I'll walk
out that door right now.

Are you going to?

This is a disaster.
Can't I please just go?

I'm talking you up to people.

Give it some time, relax.
Get something to eat.

What did you tell them about me?

I told them about you and Emily.
Trying to get some sympathy.

But you came off as the bad guy.

I told it wrong.

We should talk about that because
I don't understand what happened there.

This cake is really good!

Things are looking up.

Oh, my God!
Someone cut Howard's cake!

Who would do a thing like that?

3B.

You got your free food.
You ruined everyone's fun.

Isn't it time you went home?

Go back to 3B, 3B.

Everyone, calm down!
I have something that I'd like to say.

Who here likes Ross?

Of course you don't like him.

He didn't give you any money.

He raised his own hand
when I asked, "Who likes Ross?"

And he's wearing two nametags.

I'll be honest. When I first met Ross,
I didn't like him at all.

Once I got to know him,
I saw that he is really sweet...

and caring and very generous.

All I'm saying is, don't judge
Ross before you get to know him.

You know, I like all of you guys now.
But when I first met you, you know?

Kurt? I thought, abrasive drunk.

Lola?

Mind-numbingly stupid.

You guys. Gold digger,
cradle-robbing perv.

So I think you all know what I mean.

Obviously, I didn't think
they would throw things.

I thought if I kept insulting them
you'd defend them.

Then you'd look like the hero.

See, I did not get that.

Where's Monica? I need
to talk to her, it's urgent.

I'm Monica.

I need to talk to you. It's urgent.

I've been thinking...

about us. A lot of "us" thinking.

I guess there's
only one way to do this.

What are you doing?

Don't do it.

Will you marry me?

What a bad idea.

I can't not look at it.

Why are you doing this?

I don't know.

But I know I'm not afraid to do this.

I'm doing this because I'm sorry?

Do you think the best reason
to get married is because you're sorry?

The best reason is pregnancy.

Sorry is fourth, behind being ready
and actually wanting to get married.

Will you be my wife?

I want you to take a minute and think
about how ridiculous this sounds.

I'm kind of wishing
everyone wasn't here now.

None of that came from me.

I never said I wanted to have babies
and get married!

I was really confused.
Then I talked to these guys.

Who? Two divorces and Joey?

She's right, you know?

Yeah, but still, cheap shot!

You know when I said
that I want you...

to deal with relationship stuff
all on your own?

You're not ready.

I didn't think I was!

Oh, my God.

What would you have done
if I had said yes?

I would've been happy because...

I would spend the rest of
my life with the woman I love.

Or you would have seen
a Chandler-shaped hole in that door.

Will you pass that knife?

No, I will not.

You don't have to be mean about it.

You're right. I'm sorry.
Will you marry me?

I was going to ask you to marry me
because I didn't say hello to you.

Or ask them to move in with you.
But I'm not sure. Chandler?

How long is this going to go on?

I think the length of teasing...

is directly related to how insane
you were. So a long time.

This is fun!

Remember that
"we were on a break" thing?

I'm sorry. Will you marry me?

That's not funny.