Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 13 - The One with Joey's Bag - full transcript

I can't believe we've never
done this. It's so good!

It's so good for Monica.

Time's up! My turn.

-That was half an hour?
-It's your timer.

I don't like to brag about it,
but I give the best massages.

All right, then massage me up
right nice!

It's so good, isn't it?

I don't know what
I did to deserve it.

Now stop trying to add more time
to your massage.

Say goodbye to sore muscles!

Goodbye, muscles!



The One with Joey's Bag

She gives the worst massages ever!

It was like she was torturing me
for information.

I wanted to give it up.
I just didn't know what it was!

If it hurts that bad,
you should tell her.

For the first time,
I'm in a real relationship.

I won't screw that up
by telling the truth.

Dude, look out!

You almost crushed my hat.

Sorry.

And the bunny got away.

This would be the place
where you explain the hat.

This is called a top hat.

And why are you wearing this--?
ls it "top hat"?



There's this play...

...and I'm up for the part of this
cool, suave, international guy.

A clotheshorse. So I figure...

...everyone at the audition will
wear ultra-hip, high-fashion stuff.

And you'll make them disappear?

Like you could find something
this sophisticated.

Done!

If you want to look good,
come to the store. I'll help you.

-Thanks!
-Sure.

Please, take those off!

Hey, Pheebs. How's it going?

Only okay because I just
got back from the hospital.

Are you all right?

I'm fine,
but my grandma sort of died.

Pheebs, sorry.

It's okay.

She had a really incredible life.

It's not like I won't see her again.
She'll visit.

Maybe she's with us right now.

Right. She's on a new spiritual plain
and she'll come to the coffeehouse.

I just saw two people having sex
in a car right outside!

Pheebs' grandmother just died.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

Actually, it's kind of cool.
Because it's like...

...you know, one life ends
and another begins.

Not the way they're doing it.

What happened?
How did she die?

We were in the market...

...and she bent down to get some yogurt
and never came back up again.

I'm so sorry.

The last thing she said was:

"You get the eggs, I'll get the yogurt,
and we'll meet at the checkout counter."

You know what?

We will meet at the checkout counter.

Since you're returning
all this stuff...

...you'll have to wear underwear.

All right.
You'd better show me that too.

It's missing something.

Really? A purse?

It's not a purse.
It's a shoulder bag.

It looks like a woman's purse.

Trust me, all the men are carrying
them in the spring catalog.

See, look.
Men carrying the bag.

See, look.
Women carrying the bag.

But it is odd how a woman's purse
looks so good on me, a man.

Exactly. Unisex!

Maybe you need sex.
I had sex a couple days ago.

No, Joey. U-N-l sex.

I ain't gonna say no to that!

-Who is it?
-It's Phoebe.

Oh, great!

Oh, you.

What's up?

Well, I sort of have some bad news.
Can I come in?

No, thanks.

Grandma died today.

Didn't she die like five years ago?

No, she just died today.

We're having
a memorial service tomorrow.

Okay, I know I went to that already.

No, you didn't!

Then who's been dead?

Lots of people!

Look, are you coming or not?

I thought she was dead,
so I've made my peace.

Plus I'm going to a concert.

I'd invite you,
but I only have two tickets left.

-Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert.
-Thanks. Enjoy your funeral!

You look just like your son,
Mrs. Tribbiani.

What? Are you referring
to my man's bag?

I thought it just looked good,
but it's practical too.

It's got compartments for your
wallet, keys, address book....

Your makeup.

What are you doing?
The audition's tomorrow.

Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.

You get mustard on that bag,
you can't return it.

Why would I return this?
I love this bag!

-All right, then you owe me $350.
-Fine.

Do you take Vasa or Mooster Card?

Relax, I'll pay you with the money
from the job I'll get. Thanks to you.

What's the part? Auntie Mame?

Don't listen to them.
I think it's sexy.

You-and-l sexy?

Hello, Mrs. Pinilla.
Thank you for coming.

Here's your 3-D glasses.

Reverend Pong will say
when to put them on.

Hi, sweetie.

-How are you holding up?
-Fine.

Hey, Pheebs. I'm so sorry.

You know what?
My grandma had the exact same bag!

I brought you flowers.

Oh, thanks!

Pulling flowers out
makes the bag look masculine.

Excuse me, is this the memorial?

Welcome.

Here's your 3-D glasses.

All right.

So how did you know Frances?

Actually, I hadn't seen her for years.

But I was pretty tight
with her and her daughter.

What's your name?

Frank Buffay.

You know what? Strike that.
My name, actually, is Joe.

Joe Hill.

You're Frank Buf--

No! Joe Hill.

You just said--

I got to go.
Thank you so much for coming.

Oh, my God!

What happened?

That was my dad.

Check it out!

It's like it's coming right at me.

-Did you catch him?
-What did he say?

He said, "Nice to meet you, Glenda."

I couldn't give him my real name.

Why not?

You saw the way he ran.

You think he'd talk
to the daughter he abandoned?

What did you say to him?

I said I was the executor of the will
and I needed to talk to him.

I'm going to meet him
at the coffeehouse.

Could everyone take their seats?

I just can't think about that now.

I want to say goodbye to my grandma.

Let's go say goodbye.

I'm off to my audition.
How do I look?

Great!
That bag will get you that part.

And a date with a man.

You know what? Make fun all you want.
This is a great bag.

And it's as handy as it is becoming.

Just because you don't understand
something, doesn't make it wrong.

You guys have to get used
to the fact that Joey...

...comes with a bag!

I've got to meet my dad.

Will you tell him who you are?

Not at first.
I don't want to freak him out.

But aren't you pissed at him?

This guy abandoned you.

If it were me, this guy would be
in some serious physical danger.

I'd walk in there,
I'd be like, "Yo, Dad!

You and me, outside.
Right now!"

I kind of scared myself.

Well, at least you scared someone.

You'd think I'd be angry.

You'd think I'd want to rip
his tiny, little head off!

Fortunately, I'm past it.

You do seem a little tense.
Here, let me help you.

Get off!

Stop it!
Why are you doing that to me?

What are you talking about?

As a masseuse and a human...

...l'm begging you,
never do that to anyone!

I give good massages.

I gave them to Rachel
before she got allergic.

And Chandler, he loves them!
Watch.

He does not like it.
He's in pain!

-No, he's not.
-Yes, he is!

-What?
-I'm sorry, but--

You've been lying to me?

I can't believe that.

Maybe he didn't want to hurt you.

But the minute we start
to lie to each other....

And by "we" ...

...l mean society.

Anytime you're ready.

Well, you must be new here.

Maybe we get a table,
I buy you a drink.

Could you try it without the purse?

Yeah, sure.

Well, you must be new here.
Maybe we sit--

Can I ask you something?

Sure. What?

Well, first,
it's not a purse.

Anytime.

If you think
it's a woman's bag, it's not.

It's a man's bag.

Okay. And go!

Let me show you the catalog.

Look. See?

It's the latest thing.

Everyone's got one.
Men, women, children.

Do you sell these?

No, these babies sell themselves.

Thank you.
That was great.

But I didn't read anything.

I think we've seen enough.

All right, I'll see you.

We got it. We got it.

Is Rachel here?

Listen, I just wanted to apologize
about the whole massage thing.

I really like them.

Please, stop!

We're supposed to be honest.

I wish you could tell me,
"I don't like your massages."

I don't like your massages.

See? It's no big deal.

But now you're crying!

I'm not crying about that.
I'm crying about something at work.

My boyfriend said
he didn't like my massages.

You don't have
to be best at everything.

Oh, my God!
You don't know me at all!

You give the worst massages
in the world.

I'm crying here!

Look, hear me out.

You give the best bad-massages.

If anybody was looking
for the best bad-massage...

...and they thought,
"Who's the best?"

They'd have to go to you.

So you're saying that
if there was an award...

...for the best bad-massage....
Who would get that?

It would be you!

You, Monica!
And you'd get all the votes.

So they could call the award,
"The Monica"?

Absolutely.

I suck!

Thank you for meeting me.

Thank you.

Come sit.

Sit.

Sit!

Alrighty.
Before we get started, I need you...

...to state for the record
that you are, in fact, Frank Buffay.

Yes, I am.

What did Frances leave me?

That's why you wanted me to come.

Yes, she did. She left you...

...this lipstick.

It's used.

Cool!

I have just a few questions to ask,
so I'll get out my official forms.

So question one:

You were married to Frances'
daughter, Lilly. Correct?

Yes, I was.

Question two.
Did that marriage end:

A: Happily?

B: Medium?

Or C: ln the total abandonment...

...of her and her two children?

It really says that?

Yeah, see?

I guess then I would have to say C.

Total abandonment.

Reasons for abandonment:

A: Top-secret government work.

B: Amnesia.

Or C: You're just a selfish,
irresponsible...

...bad, bad man.

I don't want the lipstick that much.

Would you do me a favor?

Would you give Lilly...

...that, please?

When you see Lilly,
give her that note.

I wanted to talk to her
at the memorial...

...but I pictured her getting mad
the way you did, and I chickened out.

I wrote her a note.
Give it to her, please?

But you came to see Lilly?

Yeah. Why?

Lilly's dead.

She what?

She's dead.

Are you sure?

If she isn't, cremating her
was a big mistake.

I can't believe this.
I just can't believe--

How--?
Oh, my God.

How long ago?

1 7 years ago.

What about the girls?

Well, Ursula is a waitress
and she lives in Soho.

And Phoebe...

...is on this couch.

Yep, lipstick and a daughter.
Big day for you!

Phoebe, l....

It's just, I don't know what to say.

I just can't believe that you're
my daughter. You're so pretty.

Yes, well, that's neither
here nor there.

Would it make you feel
better if I said...

...that I was very, very sorry I left?

It doesn't matter what you say.
It won't make a difference.

So you can just go.

Well, you know, in my defense,
I was a lousy father.

-That's your defense?
-Yes, it is.

I burned the formula,
and I put your diapers on backwards.

I made up a song to sing to you,
but that made you cry even more.

You make up songs?

Well, no, just that one.
But it was stupid.

Let's see, how did it go?

Sleepy girl, sleepy girl

Why won't you go to sleep?

Sleepy girl, sleepy girl

You're keeping me up

I'm not very good at this.

Well, I am.

Not yet. No.

How'd the audition go?

Estelle said I didn't get it.

What? Why?
Joey, you were so ready for it.

I thought so too...

...but the casting people
had problems with me.

What kind of problem?

To tell you the truth...

...they had a problem with the bag!

You know what?
It was a stupid play anyway.

It's time to give up the bag.

I don't want to give up the bag.

I don't have to give it up.
Do l, Rach?

You think I should give up the bag!

Joey, I'm sorry. As terrific
as I think you are with it...

...l just don't know if the world
is ready for you and your bag.

I can't believe this!

Wait, I'm not saying
you shouldn't have a bag.

There are other bags
that are maybe a little less...

...controversial.

Yeah, they're called wallets.

You're right. You're right.

This bag has become like a part of me.

It's like...my bag.

It had a place for everything.

-Oh, man.
-What?

There's a whole series of pockets here
I didn't even know about, Rach. Look.

Ursula, I have the most amazing news.

I found our dad.

Phoebe.

Your sister.
And I found our dad.

John Glenn? John Glenn is not our dad.

No, I will not join you in the lawsuit
against him.

It doesn't matter that he wasn't there
while we were growing up.

He's not our father.

What do you mean
that's for a jury to decide?

[ENGLISH]