Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 12 - The One with Chandler's Work Laugh - full transcript

Come on, Joey!

I told you everything I knew
last night.

It's not that big a deal.
So they're doing it.

I cannot believe you would say that!

Sorry. Monica and Chandler
are "making love."

No, I mean, come on.
This is a huge deal!

I need more details.
Who initiated the first kiss?

I don't know.

God, I just can't imagine Chandler
being romantic.

Is he romantic with her?

I don't know.



Are they in love?

I don't know.

You don't know anything.

I know one thing.

They did it right there.

The One With Chandler's Work Laugh

Could I have a scone?

- Want to hear some good news?
- Is somebody else gonna give it to us?

Because you certainly don't seem like
you have any.

No, I do.
Someone I know is getting married.

Weddings are happy occasions.
Oh, it's my ex-wife, Emily!

Sorry, man.

- Here's your scone.
- Thanks.

Stupid British snack food!



Did they teach you that
in anger management?

You know what might
help you deal with it?

You two are in the past.
You can't be mad about the past.

Are you still mad about, you know,
the Louisiana Purchase?

Nobody's mad about that.

Exactly!
Because it's in the past.

Anybody going to eat that?

Look at us all dressed up for the party.
What are we celebrating?

We had a lot of liquor
left over from Christmas.

Our friends aren't here. We can be
a real couple. We don't have to hide.

I know. I can do this.

And I can do this.

We can't do that.

Hey, Bing!

Who's the pretty lady,
and what is she doing with you?

I asked myself
that very question, sir.

My boss, Doug.

- This is Monica.
- Hi.

- This is my wife, Kara.
- Nice to meet you.

Did you hear about the new law firm
working for us?

Dickem, Stickem & Run.

Let's go drink our body weight.

What was that?

That noise you made?

Oh, my work laugh.

Your work laugh?

If you're going to survive this party,
come up with one too.

All right. Check me out.

He says, "$30, Father.
Same as in town."

Everybody at work loved you last night.

And they like me more
just because I was with you.

You repaired the damage
from when they met Joey.

Doug wants to play tennis.
He never talks to me outside of work.

Except for that time
at that strip club.

Strip church.

- I'll go find a racket.
- I thought you had one.

I used to, but then Joey thought
it'd be fun to go hit rocks...

at bigger rocks.

Do you have a tennis racket?

I lent it to Joey, and
I've never gotten it back.

Good luck with that.

What's up?

Why are you here?
I thought you had inventory.

I do, but I decided I'd take
a long lunch...

and spend some time
with my friend Monica.

You know, I feel like
we don't talk anymore.

How are you?

What is new with you?

Not much. Work's good.

We don't have to talk about work.
Talk about anything.

You know what?

Let's talk about relationships.

What's going on?

Nothing.

You go.

There was this guy at the bank
that I thought was cute.

But I don't anymore.

That's juicy.

You know what? I actually do
have a lot of work to do.

You're sure there's just
not anything else?

I'm sure. Is there something
you want to talk to me about?

No!

If there was, I wouldn't tell you.

Then what happened?

You'll get your turn.

- Hey, Phoebe. What's going on?
- Nothing.

This is not over.

No, no, no!

I was up all night writing
this nasty letter to Emily.

It was perfect,
and now it's all covered in....

Actually, thanks!

All right!
Ready to go to the movies?

Actually, I think I'll skip it.

Really?

I'll read my book.
I just want to be alone right now.

Sure you don't want to?

Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan.
They get mail and stuff.

That's okay, Joe.

Let's go, Phoebe.

Game!

I got to tell you, that partner
of yours is a real tiger.

Are you all right?

We'll just get
a little sip of water.

Am I on fire today or what?

Those birds are browned,
basted and ready to be carved.

Okay, easy, Martina.

I think we should let them
win the next game.

I'm sorry, I don't understand
what you just said.

Let them win one.

Are you crazy? We own those two.
Look at them!

He can't even breathe,
and she's popping pills.

You're not giving them a chance.

They have rackets.

We'll make this the last game.

Yes, sir. Put me out of my misery.

Are you sure you never played pro?

Please let them win.

I'll take it down to 95%,
but that's the best I can do.

- Missed it!
- I got it!

Nice shot.

I got it!

Long!

I can't believe you let them win.

Well, at least you hid
your feelings well about it.

I was frustrated.

It's my racket.

Frustrated with you!

If we hadn't lost, they would never have
invited us to dinner tomorrow.

What bothers me...

is how different
you act around them.

The throwing the tennis games,
the fake laugh...

the "See you later, Bing!"
"Not if I see you first, Doug!"

Listen, I don't sound
like some crazed, drunken pirate.

I know you don't,
but "work Chandler" does.

I don't like work Chandler.
The guy's a suck-up.

Because you said that...

I'm not putting out tonight!

Something's wrong.
My brother doesn't stay out all night.

Maybe we should check
the trash chute.

Ross couldn't fit
down the trash chute.

That's right. He almost could.

Which is exactly
how I got stuck there.

Oh, my God!

Where the hell have you been?

Just, you know, out.

Oh, out! God, I don't know
why we didn't think to check there.

What were you doing?

I went to a bar, and then...

I just walked around for a while.

You walked around all night
in the city by yourself?

He hooked up!

He hooked up.

I don't have to answer your questions.
I'm a big boy.

I can do what I want.

He hooked up!

Tell us about her!

Ross, you left your scarf

Hey, you guys.

I know what you all are thinking,
but Chandler is in Yemen.

I'm a young woman. I have needs.
I can't wait forever.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

So I'm asking you, please,
just take a moment before you judge me.

Nobody's judging you.

Mr. Right-place-at-the-right-time...

call me.

So I guess you finished your book.

Had some time on our hands, did we?

I know what you guys are going to say.

You two would have
very hairy children.

I didn't know you'd say that.

Ross! Janice?

All right. Hold on, hold on.

This is Ross.

He's our friend.
He obviously went crazy.

He obviously lost his mind.

Look, it's not that crazy. Okay?

But it's Janice! I mean, she's...

Janice!

How drunk were you?

Janice and I have a lot in common.

We've both been divorced.
We both have kids.

Are you going to see her again?

- Don't put ideas in his head!
- I will see her.

Damn it, Phoebe!

I have to tell you something
that I've never admitted.

In high school, I made out with James
even though I knew you liked him.

That feels so good to get off my chest.
Okay, you go.

My turn? What are you talking about?

I know about you and Chandler.

I overheard you
on the phone the other day.

You said, "I'll tell Rachel I'm doing
laundry for a couple of hours."

And he said, "Laundry?
Is that my new nickname?"

And you said:

"You know what
your nickname is, Mr. Big."

You're writing yourself
a little play there, Rach.

Let me know how it turns out.

I wouldn't know, because I got
so freaked out I hung up the phone.

Well, if you had kept listening...

you would have heard me
call him Mister...

Bigot.

Mr. Bigot.

He tells the most racist jokes.

All right. So that's it.

There's nothing going on
between you and Chandler?

Me and Chandler?

Put your $20 down.

First one to find
the tasty treat wins, okay?

All right, let's get the contestants
out of their isolation booths.

And they're off!

Get your foot off my contestant!
Judge?

Judge rules, no violation.

It's so weird to say this,
but I just had a great date with Janice.

- What?
- Are you serious?

I opened up to her about all
the stuff that's been happening to me.

I mean, I talked for hours.

It is amazing...

to have someone give you
such focused attention.

You don't need Janice for that.
You've got us.

The duck gets the Nutter Butter!

That's not a Nutter Butter.
That's an old won ton!

Judge rules...

Nutter Butter.

Tough call.

Seriously, I strongly believe that
we should support President Clinton...

and her husband, Bill.

How do you like your coffee?

- None for me.
- A little sugar.

I'll have Monica stick her finger in it.
That will sweeten it up.

- That laugh doesn't give you a headache?
- You get used to it.

I don't think that I can.

This will be it for me
on the work things.

I laugh at my boss's jokes.
What's the big deal?

I'd rather not be with
this work-weasel guy...

when I can be with my boyfriend,
who I actually respect.

I got to apologize for Kara's coffee.
I'd feel sorry for it in a fight.

It's not strong enough
to defend itself.

Hear what I said?

What?

It's a joke.
What's the matter with you?

Well, I just didn't think
it was funny, sir.

Excuse me?

- Well, I just - Honey?

I just don't think
you understood the joke.

Really?

I mean, it was really funny.
I just don't think that you got it.

You see, Kara's coffee
is weak-tasting.

But what Doug did was imply
that it was weak physically.

- You get it now, honey?
- I think I do!

- Thank you, Monica.
- I thought you could use the help.

Coffee in a fight!

You mind if I read
my comic books in here?

Sure. Why?

Chandler and Monica are over there.
It's kind of hard to concentrate.

She just called and said
she was going to be working late.

She keeps lying to me.

That's it! I'm going over there
and confronting them right now.

Panty raid.

All right, so you're telling me
that I have to tell racist jokes now?

I'm just not very good at this.

I'm a terrible liar.
I hate having to lie to Rachel.

- But we're not ready to tell yet.
- I know.

Ever since high school, Rachel was the
one person that I told everything to.

I miss that so much now.

She's my best friend.

Oh, my God, Rachel!

What are you doing here?

Well, I actually came over here
to borrow this lamp...

to look at my books.

You know, see them a little better.

Okay, great.

Well, what I was doing
in Chandler's room is that...

I was cleaning it.

He pays me to clean it.

What a great way to make
some extra pocket money.

When I said to you earlier
that I was at work...

I'm at my new work.

Good enough. Right?

I'll go look at my books.

Go get back to my new job.

Congratulations on your new job!

Man, she is really gullible.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

- Actually, I should get going.
- You're sure?

I can stay out as late as you want.

I told you I'm on
sabbatical from work

Yes, yes. You did.

- Oh, man!
- What is wrong now?

This isn't what I ordered.

Man! Can't anything
go right in my life?

First, my marriage falls apart,
and then

I know!

You lose your apartment,
you lose your job...

your ex-wife gets married so fast!
And now the coffee!

We need to talk.

- Sometimes I feel
- No, no, don't.

I'm going to talk.

I believe...

that the sun has set...

on our day in the sun.

You're a very sweet person, Ross.

Unfortunately...

I just don't think I can take
another second of you whining!

Let me make sure
I'm hearing this right.

You're ending this with me because...

I'm too whiny?

So you're saying...

I've become so whiny...

that l...

annoy you...

Janice.

Well, yeah!

Oh, my God!

Will you be okay?

I am now.

I guess that's two out of three...

Joey!

Dude, we got to talk.

I wanted to tell you something before
you heard it from someone else.

I hope this isn't too weird, but...

I had a thing with Janice.

You're not mad?

Why would I be mad?

Because there's certain rules
about this kind of stuff.

You don't fool around with
your friends' ex-girlfriends...

or possible girlfriends
or girls they're related to.

I am mad.

But you know,
I'm going to forgive you.

Because that's what friends do.

They forgive their friends when
they do everything you just said.

Thank you.

But I want you to remember...

that I forgave you.

I also want you to remember
that I let you live here rent-free.

All right.

And I want you to remember
that I gave you...

twenty-seven dollars.

No strings attached!

If you can't remember that...

we should write it down.
Let's write it down!