Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 11 - The One with All the Resolutions - full transcript

The gang make their New Years resolutions. Chandler struggles to not make jokes about everyone. Rachel uncovers a secret. Ross runs into trouble when he wears leather pants on a date.

Any entertainment there?

All right. Here we go!
1999, the year of Joey.

We're very happy for you.

What's the matter?

We wanted to kiss at midnight,
but nobody else will, so....

All right, I'll take care of it.

It's 30 seconds to midnight,
what are you gonna do?

Will you just trust me?

Thirty-three, 32, 31

Who are you kissing at midnight?
Rachel or Phoebe?

You can't kiss your sister.



- Who's gonna kiss my sister?
- Chandler.

Oh, man! Really?

Would you rather
have me or him kiss her?

That's a good point.

Since I have that whole history
with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.

Phoebe! Listen.
Ross wants to kiss you at midnight.

So obvious.
Why doesn't he just ask?

- Rach! I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.
- What?

You can't kiss Ross.
You got the history.

So?

- Would you prefer me or Chandler?
- Good point.

Three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.



- Happy New Year.
- You too.

Happy New Year, Joey.

So that do anything for you?

The One with All the Resolutions

You know what?

I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say "No divorces in '99!"

But your divorce isn't final yet.

Just the one divorce in '99!

I am gonna be happy this year.
I am gonna make myself happy.

Do you want us to leave the room?

Every day I am gonna do one thing
I have never done before.

That is my New Year's resolution.

That's a good one!

Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.

Now you only have to find
a planeload of people...

whose resolution is
to plummet to their deaths.

Maybe your resolution should be
not to make fun of your friends.

Especially the ones who might
fly you to Europe for free.

She has a better chance
of flying up your nose...

than you do of
not making fun of us.

I'll bet $50 you can't go the year
without making fun of us.

Better yet, a week.

I'll take that bet, my friend.

Paying me the $50 can be...

the "new thing you do" that day.

And it starts right now!

My New Year's resolution is
to learn how to play guitar.

Really? How come?

You know those special skills
I have listed on my resume?

I would love it
if one of those was true.

Want me to teach you? I'm great.

Really? Who have you taught?

Well, I taught me. And I loved me.

That'd be great!
Yeah, thanks, Phoebe.

My resolution is to be less obsessed
with being neat and clean.

Really?

Or something else.

Look. Blaire forgot her glasses.

She'll need these to keep an eye
on that boyfriend.

Who, from what I hear,
needs to keep his stapler...

in his desk drawer,
if you know what I mean!

Maybe your resolution
should be to gossip less.

What? I don't gossip.

Maybe sometimes I find out things.

Or I hear something
and I pass that information on.

You know, kind of
like a public service.

It doesn't mean I'm a gossip.
Is Ted Koppel a gossip?

If Ted Koppel talked about his
coworkers' botched boob jobs, I would.

They were like this!

Fine, my New Year's resolution
will be not to gossip.

- It's easy.
- Easy? You have never kept a resolution.

- Yes, I have.
- Okay, let's see how you did last year.

No. No. Not my diary.
You cannot read my diary.

"Dear diary: I'm so excited.

My resolution is to write in you every day.
See you tomorrow."

Nothing.

You know, not a lot happened last year.

All right, I will prove to you that I can
keep it this time. No more gossiping.

I hate gossip. In junior high this girl
said a lot of mean stuff about me...

and I set her bike on fire.

- Wow, what did she say about you?
- She said I was crazy.

But I guess she got hers.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.

I just asked that girl out.

Nice!

Is that part of
your "new thing" for today?

Yes, it is. See?

"Elizabeth...

Hornswoggle"?

That's right.

Elizabeth Hornswoggle.

You okay, Chandler?

Something funny about that name?

No, I just think
I've heard it somewhere before.

Oh, really? Where?

Somewhere funny, I'll bet.

Guess what.

I have a date
with Elizabeth Hornswoggle.

Oh, this must be killing you!

All right, see you later.

Not really.

- I haven't told you her middle name yet.
- Well, don't. Just don't.

- See you later.
- See you.

All right, Phoebe,
I am ready for my first lesson.

No, you don't touch the guitar.

First you learn here, then here.

Lesson one: Chords.

Now, I don't know
the actual names of the chords.

But I made up names for the way
my hand looks while I'm doing them.

So then this is "Bear Claw."

"Turkey Leg"...

and "Old Lady."

What an interesting approach
to guitar instruction.

You know, some might find it amusing.
I myself find it regular.

Hey, everybody!

Rachel was so good today.
She didn't gossip at all.

I didn't. Even when I found out

Let's say I found out
something about someone...

and let's just say...

she's gonna keep it.

Check this out.

You nailed the Old Lady!

I thought I was getting better,
so I stopped by this guitar store

Did you touch
any of the guitars there?

Did you?

No.

Give me your hands.

Strings.

Pick.

- Do you want to learn to play guitar?
- Yes.

Then don't touch one!

- Hi, Ben.
- Auntie Monica!

Ross is wearing leather pants!

Does nobody else see
Ross is wearing leather pants?

Someone comment on the pants!

- I think they're very nice.
- I really like them a lot.

Not what I had in mind.

People like Ross don't wear
these types of pants.

You see, they're very tight.

Maybe there's something in that area?

I think they look really good.

Where'd you get them?

I needed a new thing for today.

There's this leather store
that always smells so good.

And I thought to myself:
"Wow. I've never owned...

a really good-smelling
pair of pants before."

Oh, come on!

What do you think?

You look like a freak.

Awful!

What are you doing?

- It's my New Year's resolution.
- To blind my child?

To take pictures of us together.

It's the best resolution.
Everyone can enjoy them.

Everyone will enjoy my music as well.

My God, these pants!
I'm burning up.

Oh God! She wants to snuggle now?
Is she trying to kill me?

It's like a volcano in here!

- Are you hot?
- No.

It must just be me, then.

That was just the pants
and the couch.

Do you mind if I use your bathroom?

- Go ahead.
- Thanks.

My favorite part's coming up!

Oh, my God!

Tiger.

Dragon.

Iceberg!

Joseph, did you even study
at all last night?

Yes, I did!

Then do lceberg.

G-sharp.

G-sharp?

Have you been studying
the real names of the chords?

Have you?

Oh, my God!

What? I didn't touch a guitar!

But you're questioning my method!

No, I'm not questioning it.
I'm saying it's stupid!

What?

Thank you.

You know, none of my other student...

thought I was stupid.

Your other student was you!

Well, maybe you just need
to try a little harder!

Maybe I need to try a real teacher!

Here! Andy Cooper.
He teaches guitar.

There's a picture of him with a kid.

And the kid's got a guitar!

Fine!

You learn from
your "qualified instructor."

But don't come crying
when everyone is sick...

of hearing you play
"Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"!

Oh, fine. Take his side!

I can't wait to be with you.

I'll sneak over as soon as I can.

I'll tell Rachel
I'll be doing laundry.

Laundry.
Is that my new nickname?

You know what your nickname is,
Mr. Big

Would you stop looking at me like that?
Phoebe was a terrible teacher.

I wasn't learning anything from her

Look I feel bad, too
Forget it, we're going around in circles.

Joey, it's Ross.
I need some help.

Chandler's not here.

You can help me.

I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom.

Nice!

No, I got really hot in my pants,
so I took them off.

But they must have shrunk
from the sweat.

Or my legs expanded from the heat.

I can't get them back on, Joey.
I can't!

That is quite a situation.

Do you see any powder?

Powder! Yeah, I have powder.

Good, good.

Sprinkle some on.
It'll absorb moisture.

Then you can get your pants on.

Yeah, hold on.

They're not coming on, man.

Okay, cut slits in the pants, right?
Then put them back on...

go out there
and tell her you're the lncredible Hulk.

Chandler's not there?

That would have worked,
but all right, fine.

You see any.... Oh, Vaseline?

I see lotion. I have lotion.
Will that work?

Sure, throw some of that on there.

Hold on.

Sounds like it's working.

They're still not coming on, man.

And the lotion and the powder
have made a paste.

Really.

What color is it?

What difference does that make?

If the paste matches the pants,
you can make paste pants...

and she won't know!

Do you have a minute?

Dude, what am l

Rachel's here, so good luck.
Let me know how it goes.

Joey, I have such a problem.

Your timing couldn't be better.

I'm putting out fires
all over the place.

I have got to tell you something.

What is it?

It's so huge! But promise me.
You cannot tell anyone.

No, no, no!
I don't want to know.

You do want to know.
This is unbelievable!

I'm tired of being the guy
who knows all the secrets...

and can't tell anyone.

You know secrets?

You're not supposed to gossip!

I can't keep this in.
So I pick up the phone

I'm not listening to you!

You've been in there for a long time.

I'm starting to get
kind of freaked out.

All right, I'm coming out.

Hey, can you turn the lights off?

Let's just leave the lights on.

Oh, my God!

I had a problem.

I can't talk to you. I don't have
a fancy ad in the yellow pages.

I want to apologize for saying
your method was stupid.

And maybe ask you
to be my teacher again?

I promise, I won't touch a guitar
until you say I'm ready.

You really think I'm ready?

Wow, cool!

- Was the chord at least right before
- No.

Oh, my God!

We heard about your pants.
I'm so sorry.

This year was supposed to be great.

It's only the second day
and I'm a loser...

with stupid leather pants
that don't even fit!

You're not a loser.

Look at me!

Hey, look!

Ben drew a picture of you.

You're a cowboy.

Because of the leather pants?

He thinks you're a cowboy,
not a loser. That's something.

- It really is something.
- Howdy, partner.

Maybe I should get another pair.

You know, they had some...

with fringe all down the sides.

Phoebe, you may know this.
You know strange things.

What is the boiling point of brain?

I used to know this.

I'm gonna go kiss Ben good night.

I can't believe he thinks
I'm a cowboy.

I would make a good cowboy.

Now that everything's wrapped up,
I'll do my laundry.

Yeah, me too.
If this shirt is dirty.

I'm going to the airport.

If I hang around there
long enough...

someone's bound to leave
a plane unattended.

- Good luck, honey.
- Bye.

Remember that thing
I was gonna tell you about?

I won't tell you.
But if you found out on your own...

that would be okay
and we could talk about it.

Well, then it wouldn't be a secret.
So that would be okay.

Would you mind going
into Chandler's bedroom...

and getting that book
he borrowed from me?

Now? You want me
to go over there now?

- Do you know something?
- Do you?

- I might know something.
- I might too.

- What do you know?
- You tell me first.

- I can't.
- Then I can't.

Okay, fine.

You don't know.

I'll walk into his bedroom
and see the thing...

I think I know is actually
the thing I think I know!

- You know!
- And you know!

Yeah, I know!

Chandler and Monica?
Oh, this is unbelievable!

- How long have you known?
- Too long!

I've been dying to talk
to someone about this!

You can't say anything to anybody.
They're so weird about that.

It's raining.

I don't like to fly in the rain.

I am gonna go for a walk
in the rain.

Me too.

That's weird.

I bet they're doing it.

Okay, look.
I can't take it anymore.

So you win. Okay? Here.

Flying a jet?
Make it a spaceship...

so you can get back
to your home planet!

Phone call for you. Tom Jones.
He wants his pants back!

And Hornswoggle? What, are you dating
a character from Fraggle Rock?