Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 10 - The One with the Inappropriate Sister - full transcript

- What are you doing?
- I reorganized the fridge.

See? Bottom shelf,
meats and dairy.

Middle shelf, fruits and vegetables.

And top shelf, expired products.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm bored out of my mind.

I've already been to the bank,
post office and dry cleaners.

Dude, you just described
seven days' worth of stuff.

Spread it out a little.
Haven't you ever been unemployed?

I'm not unemployed.
I'm on sabbatical.

Hey, don't get religious
on me, okay?



A guy in your position needs to be
better at relaxing.

That's why we have comfortable chairs.
Here, sit down.

Ready? Watch.

And then....

- So, what? We just sit?
- Oh, no, no.

We're not gonna just sit. Watch.

- Hello, Chandler Bing.
- Hello, Mr. Bing.

I love you.

All right, whoever this is,
stop calling me!

It's been 6 months!
It's not funny!

I can see you, Mr. Bing.

You look sexy in your new suit.

Leave me alone!
For the love of God, leave me alone!

And that's Wednesday.



The One with
The lnappropriate Sister

Hey, you guys! Guess what?

The British are coming?

Oh, you and your ways.

Since it's Christmas,
I'm going to be collecting donations.

I have my bell
and later on I get my bucket.

I'll be spreading joy
to the people.

Last year I spread a little joy,
but not enough.

So this year I'm doing the whole city.

I knew a girl in high school who
did that. She was very popular.

It's weird, you're starting to sound
a lot like Chandler lately.

That is so not true.

So, Phoebe, where are you
doing your bell-ringing?

They gave me a great spot
right by Macy's.

They never give a good spot
to a rookie...

but I'm the only one who can say
"Merry Christmas" in 25 languages.

I lied!

Oh, my God. Here's Danny.

Just watch this.

See? Still pretending
he's not interested.

He's coming over.
Pretend we've forgotten who he is.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Danny.

Oh, Danny! Hey!

You know Rachel. She's nice.
She's not bad to look at, right?

Thanks, Mon.

Of course.

Do you want to go out
on a date with her?

Absolutely. Is Friday okay?

Friday is perfect.
She can't wait.

On the date, I'll be able
to talk to her directly?

See you Friday.

Okay, what the hell was that?
You know what? Don't answer me.

I have a date with Danny!

All right, it's 4:30,
I guess my lunch break is over.

- What are you guys gonna do?
- If you're going back to work...

I'll probably just hang out.
You know, make some calls.

How could I not get the part?

The play was about a 29-year-old
ltalian actor from Queens!

Well, Talia Shire
suddenly became available.

She's a woman!

What can I say? She nailed it!

Is there anything else?

You'll just say no again, but...

gay porn?

Happy holidays!

Feliz Navidad!

Allo and Merry Christmas!

Oh, thank you, sir!
Here's some joy.

- How's it going?
- It's going okay.

Good. Let me help you out.

Oh, thanks!

Is that a new suede jacket?
It looks really expensive.

Yeah. I guess.

Just get your nails done?

Yes, Phoebe, but this
is all I have, okay?

Thanks. Happy holidays!
Here's your joy.

Thank you! Happy holidays and
Wait.

- You can't take money out.
- I'm making change for the bus.

Can't you leave the
dollar for the poor?

I'm poor. I gotta take the bus.

Okay, season's greetings and everything,
but still

Bite me, blondie!

I'm going to give him
something besides joy. Just

I can't believe
I didn't get that part.

I'm sorry, man.

What you should do...

is make something happen
for yourself.

You know, like write a play.

Or a movie. What about those
Good Will Hunting guys?

Be realistic, you know?
If I did write something...

what are the chances I could
get those guys to star in it?

Wait a second.
I could star in it!

Or that.

I can't write.
I mean, I'm an actor.

I could act like a writer. Here....

But see? Nada.

I don't have the discipline
that it takes. I can't do it.

I'll help you.

Yeah. I'll make up a schedule
and make sure you stick to it.

Plus, it'll give me something to do.

You'd do that for me? Thanks.

We'll start slow. All you have
to come up with tonight...

is the name
of your main character.

- Done.
- And it can't be Joey.

- It's not.
- Or Joseph.

What's up?

I just saw Danny on the subway
with a girl...

and he had his arm around her.

Honey, I'm sorry.

You should be.
This is all your fault.

You meddled in our relationship!

You had no relationship!

But I was doing my thing
and everything...

was going according to the plan!

Oh, God, stop with the plan!

So what if you saw him
with a girl?

That doesn't mean anything.

You'll go out with Danny and be
so charming he'll forget all about...

that stupid subway girl.

She was kind of stupid.

You're right.
I'm just going to go on the date.

I'm just going to go on the date.
That is the new plan.

Hurry!

- How do you spell "suspicious"?
- Why?

I think this character is going
to be suspicious about stuff.

Chandler Bing, seven!
Chandler Bing, zero!

You're driving me crazy with that.

- I'll stop.
- Don't stop.

Move the bowl further away.
Ross could make that shot.

Well, you suck. But at least you suck
at a man's game now.

- Want to play?
- I can't play games.

Ross'll be home soon. I have to write
five pages to stick to his schedule.

So play for 30 minutes,
then write until he gets home.

All right.

But listen, what do you say we...

crank it up a notch?

I'm intrigued.

All right. All we need
is a little lighter fluid.

But be careful.
I want our security deposit back.

We said goodbye to that
when we invented hammer darts.

Do you even remember which part
of the wall is not spackle?

Thank you! Happy holiday.

No, that's trash, young lady.
You can't

Stop that young lady!
She donated trash!

The charity's on fire!

Help! Thank you. I need that!

What is this?

It's 9:00 in the morning!

All right. "A room.

A man enters. He looks suspicious."

That's it?

You're supposed to
have five pages done by now...

including an exciting incident.

What is all this?
"The Official Rulebook of Fireball."

That's the game we played.

It's great. You take a
tennis ball, a bowl and lighter

This is helping your career?
You wanted to be an actor.

Not the creator of
"Crazy Lawsuit Game."

You're right.
I'll get back to work.

Shame on you! You should know better!
Joey needs to work.

Now come on.

You can have this back
when the five pages are done.

- I had a nice time tonight.
- So did l.

I'm really glad Monica asked us out.

I'd love to ask you in,
but my sister's visiting.

- I think she's asleep on the couch.
- Your sister?

Your sister's asleep on the couch?

I saw you with her on the subway
and now she's asleep on the couch!

- I thought I heard you.
- Hey, great, you're up.

Rachel, my sister Krista.

Nice to meet you.

I wish you'd warned me.
I'd have fixed myself up.

- Like it would help.
- You are so bad.

- You are.
- You are.

- You are.
- You are!

You are so dead.

I'm gonna get you. Come here!

It's very nice to meet you.

Nobody!
Nobody respects the bucket!

You wouldn't believe
what people put in here!

Does this look like a
garbage can to you?

Does it look like an ashtray?

Does it look like a urinal?

- So you going back out there?
- Yeah, but I won't take any more crap.

No more Mrs. Nice Bucket.

Good. You're tough.
You lived on the street.

I'll go back to being
Street Phoebe.

But not totally back. Street Phoebe
wouldn't be friends with you guys.

Can I ask you guys something?

I don't have brothers, so I don't know,
but did you guys wrestle?

- Oh, yeah.
- All the time.

In fact, I was undefeated.

Well, you weighed 200 pounds.

Still, I was quick as a cat.

I met Danny's sister yesterday.

- That was the girl on the subway.
- You're kidding.

They were very, you know...

wrestle-y.

But I guess that's normal?

We don't wrestle now.

Not since I got too
strong for you.

Too strong for me?

You wanna go right now?

I'll take you right now, buddy!
You wanna go?

Oh, fine.

Ready?

Wrestle!

Okay, you know what?

Actually, that helps a lot.
Thanks.

Let's go!
The puck drops in 20 minutes!

Joey's not going.

I didn't finish my five pages.

Finish them tomorrow.

Tomorrow he's redoing
yesterday's pages.

Yesterday's pages
did not reflect my best work.

Cut him some slack. If he relaxes,
he'll get some work done.

I think he's been relaxing enough,
thanks to you...

and Fireball.

If you think Fireball's relaxing,
you've never played.

You're doing this
because you're bored.

It's not his fault
you're unemployed.

I am not unemployed.
I'm on sabbatical!

Guys, don't fight.

And I'm doing this because
I am Joey's friend.

If you were a friend,
you'd be doing the same.

So being a friend means
being a jerk?

If it does, then you're
an amazing friend of mine.

Let's settle this
over a game of Fireball.

- I'll unhook the smoke detectors.
- Let's settle this right now.

There. Now no one's going
to the game.

- I paid for those!
- You said you would, but you didn't.

Oh, yeah.

We finally get
to the top of the mountain...

and airhead here
forgets the camera.

The same thing
happened to me one time.

When did that happen to you?

Remember? We were jogging
and saw that bird.

I wanted to take a picture,
but I didn't have my camera.

Chasing the churro
guy is not jogging.

Oh, this is so good.
You have got to try it.

- Damn. I got it on my pants.
- Here, I'll get it.

We better take them off
or the stain will set.

- I want to wear them tonight.
- Oh, great.

Okay, bye. Oh, my God!

- That was unbelievable.
- See? I told you.

Yeah. Sorry.

I don't believe they're
brother and sister.

They're brother and sister?!

I guess you'll have to cancel your date.

And call their mother.

Wait a minute. Open your hand.
Let me take a look.

Quarter, dime. Lint?
Not interested in that.

What's this? A Canadian coin?

Get out of here!

No drinks near the bucket.

Set it down there and then
you can make a contribution.

You can leave the "hurt bunny"
look over there too.

Hi, Bob.

I thought I told you
to get out of here!

Phoebe, we've been
getting complaints.

We're moving you to a
less high-profile spot.

- Ginger's taking this corner.
- That chick can't handle my corner.

Look, either you leave
or we remove you.

Fine.

I'll give you one pointer.
Look out for that bitch.

- I thought we said 7.
- You know what? Let's skip it.

What? Why?

You and your sister seem to have
a very special bond

Oh, great.
That "special bond" again.

Why do women have a problem
with my being close to my sister?

- I don't know, but
- Do you have brothers?

No, I have two sisters. But one
has a very masculine energy.

- Are you close?
- No. They're not very nice people.

I like you.
I think this could go somewhere.

So I'm close to my family.
Don't let it stand in our way.

Well, I don't know....

When you put it that way

Danny? Hurry up.
The bath's getting cold.

I'll see you later.

There's some kids
playing in the street.

Want to go give them a project,
ruin their day?

If they have a ball,
you could stick razors in it...

and teach them a new game:
"Gonna-Need-Stitches Ball."

Hey, guys! I was at the library.
I already finished my five pages.

Now we can go
to the Ranger game last night!

No, dude.
Ross tore up the tickets.

I guess without so many distractions
it's easier for you to focus?

Also without somebody breathing
down your neck all the livelong day!

The important thing is, I finished it.
And I think it's really good.

But it would help if I could hear it.
Would you guys read it for me?

- Yeah, all right.
- All right.

"It's a typical New York apartment.

Two guys are hanging out."

"Hey, man."

"What is up?"

"About yesterday.
I was really wrong. I am sorry."

"No, it was me. I'm sorry.
I overreacted."

"Maybe it was both of us.
But we had our best friend's inter

But we had our best friend's
interest at heart."

"Could I be more sorry?"

"l don't know. I am one sorry...

polontologist."

All right, Joey, we get it.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too.

Keep reading.
The good part's coming up.

"l am sorry, Chandler."

"l am sorry, Ross."

"A handsome man enters."

"l don't know what you're talking
about, but I'd like to thank you both.

You. You wouldn't let me
give up on myself.

And you.

You co-created Fireball."

"The End."

This took you all day?

No, this took five minutes.

I spent the rest of the day coming up
with new Ultimate Fireball!

It's a typical New York apartment.
Two girls are just hanging out. Go.

- "Hi, how are you doing, Kelly?"
- "I'm doing just fine.

God, Tiffany, you smell so great."

"It's my new perfume.

Why don't you come closer where
you can really appreciate it?"

- Joey, you are sick.
- This is disgusting.

I'm not reading this.

Wait, wait, wait!
The handsome man was about to enter!