Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 9 - The One Where They're Going to Party! - full transcript

- Okay.
- Come on, no peeking.

Our eyes are closed, and we're about
to cross the street. Very good.

Okay. Open up.

What do you want to show us?
Because all I can see is this bitchen van.

Yeah, it's for our catering business.

- Oh.
- I think I know that girl.

- We're not gonna keep it this way, though.
- No?

We're gonna paint over the sword
and replace it with a baguette.

Oh.

Um, also, we don't know what to do
with this.

Oh, yeah, I definitely know her.



Remember that guy from cooking school
that put cilantro in everything?

- Oh, sure, Cilantro Larry.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna fill in for him as food
critic for the Chelsea Reporter.

Wow. Monica, what an amazing opportunity
to influence...

...dozens of people.

What about our catering business?

Oh, no, no, it's just one night a week.

Plus, I get to take all of you out
for free dinners.

- Hey.
- Oh.

Well, in that case:

- That was me hopping onboard.
- Oh.

Hey, guys. Hey, Ross.
Quick question for you.

Are you ready to party?

I don't know, I could maybe go out
for a couple of beers.



But there's this thing about bumblebees
on the Discovery Channel.

No, no, no, I don't think you heard me.
Are you ready to party?

No.

Gandalf? Gandalf is coming to town?

Kathy's with her parents,
I have nothing to do.

Tomorrow we are partying
with Gandalf, dude.

Dude, we are so gonna party. Yeah.

Wow, okay. Dude alert.

And who is this guy?

Mike "Gandalf" Ganderson.
Only, like, the funnest guy in the world.

I'm gonna call
and get off work tomorrow.

Oh. I'm gonna call after you.

This is gonna be so cool.
Dude, we never party anymore.

Whoo!

All right, were you guys
smoking something in the back of our van?

What do you mean, we never have fun?
You have fun with me.

Remember the time we saw those strippers
and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?

Joey, you are gonna love this guy.
Gandalf is like the party wizard.

- Well, why do you call him Gandalf?
- Gandalf the wizard.

Hello? Didn't you read
Lord of the Rings in high school?

No, I had sex in high school.

Oh. Uh, Joanna? I was wondering
if I could ask you something.

There's an opening for an assistant buyer
in Junior Miss...

Okay, but that would be a step down
for me.

No, actually, I meant for me.

The hiring committee
is meeting people all day and...

Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but I guess
you can't stay my assistant forever.

Neither can you, Sophie,
but for different reasons.

I'm so glad
you don't have a problem with this.

If you did,
I wouldn't have considered applying.

Really? In that case...

And that's why I'm so glad
there's no problem.

Yeah, it's fine. I'm on the hiring committee,
so there'll be one friendly face.

Oh, that's great.

- You know, Junior Miss is where I started.
- Really?

I had to sleep with the ugliest guy
to get that job.

- Really?
- No. Ha, ha.

Yeah.

- I mean, no. No, no, no. Ha, ha.
- No. Ha, ha.

I'm sure with your qualifications,
you won't need to sleep with some guy.

Oh. Ha, ha.

Although, uh,
I might need some convincing.

- Um... Oh.
- Kidding. Ha, ha.

- God, I feel wild today.
- Aah!

Oh, man, I am so excited, I may vomit.

Will you calm down?
He's just a human guy.

Look, you don't understand.
Gandalf is amazing.

You never know what's gonna happen.

You go out for a couple of beers and
end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah, it's beautiful country up there.

Hey. Okay.

I got my passport, fresh socks,
and a snakebite kit.

It's not gonna be exactly like last time.

All right, I'll see you guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have an audition,
but I'll hook up with you later.

- Where you gonna be around noon?
- Heh.

Somewhere maybe along the equator?

Okay.

Hello?

It's Gandalf.

So are you in town?

Oh, well...

Well, maybe next time, then.

What happened?

He's not gonna make it.
He's stuck in Chicago.

Oh, man.

Chicago's so lucky.

Stupid, useless Canadian money.

You have a very impressive résumé,
Ms. Green.

I especially like what I see here
about implementing a new filing system.

Thank you.

Filing system? Oh, you mean those little
colored labels you put on all the folders?

It certainly did brighten up
the inside of the filing cabinets.

Well, they, uh... They did more than that.

I notice that you've been entrusted
with a lot of important responsibilities.

Yes. Joanna really has been
an incredible mentor to me.

Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible
at getting my morning bagel.

It's amazing how she gets it right
almost every time.

Of course,
I have more responsibilities than that.

Oh, yes, of course. There's the coffee too.
Rachel can carry two things at once.

That's, uh, very good.

Now, a big part of this job...

...is cultivating personal relationships,
especially with designers.

- Yes, I realize...
- Rachel shouldn't have any problem.

Her only problem might be getting a little
too friendly, if you know what I mean.

I love working with designers.

With them, under them,
what's the difference, eh, Rach?

Hey. My first review is out.

Oh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter.

Ah. These used to keep me so warm.

- All right, look, I'm on the back page.
- Ooh. Oh!

Okay. "Would I go back to Allesandro's?
Sure, but I would have to order two meals.

One for me, and one for the guy
pointing the gun to my head. "

Wow, you really laid into this place.

Hey, they don't pay me a penny a word
to make friends.

Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy
who could fix up the van for catering.

- Oh. You want me to go with you?
- No, no, it's okay.

But are we sure
we don't want the waterbed?

- Haven't we made this decision?
- Yeah, all right.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Who is it?

It's Allesandro, from Allesandro's.

Oh, my God.

- I wanna talk to you about your review.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Call me on the phone.

What, so you can hang up on me?

I'm never gonna let you up,
so you may as well just go away.

Just give me a chance to...

Do you need to get in? Here you go.

- No, Phoebe!
- Oh, hey, Monica.

I want a retraction.
Our food is not "inedible swill. "

I couldn't eat it.

I have five friends who couldn't eat it,
and one of them eats books.

Well, our service is not
"grossly incompetent. "

The waiter carried the breadsticks
in his pants.

Well, you said that we accept
the Discover Card...

...which we do not.

All right, that I'll retract.

But I stand by my review.
I know food, and that wasn't it.

Your marinara sauce
tastes like tomato juice.

You should serve it with vodka
and a piece of celery.

Hey, I'm proud of that sauce.
It's delicious.

Oh, my God.

You own an Italian restaurant
and you think that tastes good?

Where are you even from?

Lebanon.

Hand me those tomatoes.

I'm gonna show you what it should
taste like. Come on, hand them to me.

How long is this gonna take?
I got another critic I gotta go yell at.

Ahem. Uh, Joanna,
I wanna talk about that interview.

I thought it went very well.

No, it didn't.
That's what I wanna talk to you about.

Now, just to brief you...

...I may cry.

But they are not tears of sadness
or of anger...

...but just of me having this discussion
with you.

Rachel, please, don't make a scene.

There's nobody here.

Sophie, get in here.

You see?
Now you're making Sophie uncomfortable.

She's not making me uncomfortable.

Congratulations, you've just crossed
the line into completely useless. Get out.

Do you want me to quit?

What? What would make you think that?

Well, all of those things you said
in the interview.

If you believe any of them,
I must not be a very good assistant.

You know what?

I am just going to pack up my desk...

...and I will be gone
by the end of the day.

Well, I guess there's no use me
sticking around till the end of the day.

Wait, wait, wait.

You can put your sad little muffin
back in its drawer.

If you must know the truth,
I didn't wanna lose a good assistant.

What?

That's why I said all those things
about your flirting and your drinking.

My drinking?

Oh. I must have said that after you left.

Said what, exactly?

That you enjoy the occasional drink...

...- ing binge.

Oh, my God. Oh. That is it. I'm leaving.

- You are just a horrible person.
- No, wait, wait, wait.

Now, if you're gonna get
all sensitive about it.

I don't want to lose you.

What if I create a position for you?

I'll make you assistant buyer
in this department.

- Say more things like that.
- Um...

You can have your own office and a raise,
effective tomorrow.

- I'd need an expense account.
- Done.

- And an assistant.
- Sophie, get in here.

Now it seems like a lifetime, doesn't it?
Starting from...

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

I thought you'd be partying
with Gandoldorf.

It's Gandalf, and he's not coming.

- So you've been sitting here all morning?
- No.

I balanced my checkbook.

Yeah, and I gave first names
to all the foosball players.

I can't believe he didn't come.

So what if he didn't come?
We can still go out and party ourselves.

Oh, no, you know, with Gandalf,
we'd be out all night.

Yeah, we'd meet total strangers
and hang out with them.

Well, we could do that.

There was other stuff too.

We'll do it all, and better.

Look, after tonight,
Gandalf will wanna party with us, dude.

Come on.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- It's not like we don't know how to party.
- Yeah. All right. Let's go.

And maybe we could end up
on a boat again?

- Yeah!
- All right!

Ah!

Hey, hey, hey. When were we on a boat?

Remember that really cold morning...

...when you woke up
and those dogs were licking your face?

- Yeah.
- Those were seals, man.

Hey, how do you think this suit would look
on an assistant buyer...?

The owner of Allesandro's
came to yell at me...

...but I made him some sauce,
and he offered me the job as head chef.

Oh, my God.

You just ruined the thing I was practicing
the whole way home, but I'm so happy.

Can you believe it?
I finally get to run my own kitchen.

Oh, you've waited so long.

- Ha, ha, oh.
- Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey, Pheebs. Quick question for you.

How do you think this suit would look
on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale's?

I don't know. It would totally depend
on her coloring and...

- You got the job!
- Yes!

Oh! You got the job?
Why didn't you tell me?

Oh. It's gonna be so great.
I'm gonna get to help decide what we sell.

I'm gonna have an office
with walls and everything.

- I'm gonna have walls.
- Aw.

Is this the day of good news or what?
I got us a job.

The wedding reception.

Oh.

Um, Phoebe,
I kind of need to talk to you about that.

Um...

Well, I think it might be time for me
to take a step back from the catering.

- But we've only had one job.
- Tsk.

I know, but now we have this second one,
and it just feels like it's snowballing.

Yeah, what are you saying?

I got offered the head-chef job
at Allesandro's.

- What?
- It's okay, you don't really need me.

You're the cook.

Without you, it's just me
driving up to people's houses...

...with empty trays and asking for money.

All right.

But, um, well, I'll pay you back
all the money you invested.

- And you can keep the van.
- For what?

I can't believe this.
I gotta get out of here.

Phoebe, wait a minute.

I'm an assistant buyer!

All right, we'll get a little coffee,
get energized, then we'll head back out.

- Yeah, all right.
- Okay.

So we're having fun, right?
We don't need that wizard guy.

We hit a couple of clubs,
talked to some strangers...

...then after this, we'll go down
to the docks and see about that boat thing.

I'm kind of beat.

Actually...

...me too.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Thank God. I'm exhausted.

So you guys want coffees?

Yeah, but I don't wanna be up too late,
so I'll have a decaf.

Yeah, me too.

Actually, could I get some hot water
with a little lemon?

I strained my voice screaming in there.
Does it have to be so loud?

Oh. I can't hear a word you're saying,
my ears are ringing so bad.

Huh. I was glad I brought that extra pair
of socks, you know?

I used them as mittens.

I didn't wanna touch a thing
in that last place.

Oh.

How sad are we?

Yeah, I know.

You know what? We're not sad.

We're not sad,
we're just not 21 anymore, you know?

I'm 29 years old, damn it.

I wanna sit in a comfortable chair,
watch television...

...and go to sleep at a reasonable hour.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and I like to hang out in a quiet
place where I can talk to my friends.

Yeah.

And so what if I like to go home,
throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath?

We're 29. We're not women.

Oh. There you are.

Hey, I'm glad that you decided
to hear me out.

Okay, I'm hearing.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot.

And, well, I came up with a whole bunch of
businesses that you can do with your van.

Okay, um...

- You could be a flower delivery person.
- What?

Or a bakery delivery person.

Pizza?

Monica.

All right, I got a whole bunch of stuff
in this area...

...but I'm getting the feeling
you don't wanna deliver.

- No.
- Okay.

I'm guessing if you don't wanna deliver...

...you probably don't wanna
pick up stuff either.

No.

You know what?

- Let's do the catering business.
- Really? Are you sure?

Yeah. You know,
I made a commitment to you.

- Know what? Lt'd be fun.
- Oh, it will be fun.

- Oh. Yay!
- Aw.

Okay. Ooh, let's plan
the wedding reception. Okay.

Wow.

You really wanted me
to do something with this van.

You know what?
I want you to take the chefjob.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's what you really want.

Yeah, I don't wanna be the reason
you're unhappy.

That would make me unhappy.

And I really don't wanna be the reason
I'm unhappy.

Thank you.

Besides, it might be kind of fun
to form the new A-Team.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Lynch. Is Joanna in already?

Oh, my goodness. You haven't heard.

Heard what?

Joanna passed away last night.

Oh, my God. How?

Well, she was leaving work,
and she was hit by a cab.

Oh, my God. Oh, I cannot believe it.

- I know.
- Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I didn't realize that you were so close.

Yes. So close.

Mrs. Lynch, I know that this is an emotional
and difficult time for all of us.

But by any chance, did Joanna
send any paperwork your way...

...before it happened?

No, nothing.

Imagine, if she'd just stepped off that curb
a few seconds later...

Oh. Yes, yes, just a few seconds
and she'd still be with us.

Nothing about an assistant buyer?

I'm sorry. I have to go.

Good morning.

Oh, Sophie,
I guess you didn't hear about Joanna.

I sure did.

I'm so excited about having Monica
come onboard with us.

Although I do feel bad
about having fired Chef Emilio.

It is like losing a member of the family.

Of course, that literally is the case
for several of you.

Tony, Carlos, Marie...

...please tell your father
how much we're going to miss him.

Now, I know that Monica
has a lot of great ideas for this place.

Well, you all read the review. Ha, ha.

So without much further ado...

...I present to you our new head chef.

Um, I just wanna say, uh,
that with a pinch of excitement...

...a dash of hard work,
and a dollop of cooperation...

...we can have the recipe...

Are you going to kill me?

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