Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 7 - The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line - full transcript

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I just saw Kathy naked.

It was like torture.

If we go to war and you're captured,
you're in for a surprise.

It keeps getting worse.

I'm in love with
my roommate's girlfriend.

Every time we're in the same room,
there's weird energy between us.

Call me crazy, but
I think she likes me too.

And now I have seen her naked.

At least with her clothes on...

...I could imagine her body
was covered in boils.

But there are no boils.
She's smooth.



Smooth!

Wow...

Could you see up his robe?

MONICA: Oh, my God.
GROUP: Yeah.

- Here you go.
- I'll call you.

Great.

Hey, hey. Who was that?

Casey. We're going out tonight.

Going out? Wow.

It didn't work out with Kathy? Bummer.

No, things are fine.

I'm having a late meal with her
after an early one with Casey.

- What?
JOEY: Yeah.

The craziest thing is,
I just ate a whole pizza myself.



CHANDLER:
Wait...

- You're going out with Kathy.
- Yeah.

Why are you upset?

Well, I'm upset...

...for you.

Sex with an endless line of women
must be unfulfilling.

What's the big deal?
It's not like we're exclusive.

Look, Joey.

Kathy's not fulfilling
your emotional needs.

But Casey...

Granted, I just saw
the back of her head.

But I got this sense
that she's smart and funny...

...and gets you.

You got all that
from the back of her head?

It's time to settle down.

Make a choice. Pick a lane.

Who's Elaine?

[SINGING]
Little Tony Tarzan

Swinging on a nose hair
Swinging with the greatest of ease

I don't know the next verse.

You could just go:

[SINGING]
Greatest of ease

Ba-ma-na-ma-na-ma...

Then go right into it.

I like that.

How do you know about
"ba-ma-na-ma-na-ma"?

You know, I used to play.

That's right. The keyboards?

A little in high school.
I got into it in college.

That's when I really found my sound.

Juice just came out of my nose,
but it was worth it.

Oh, my God.

- I completely forgot about your sound.
- Yeah.

He'd lock himself in the basement.

No one was ever allowed to hear
"the sound."

I want to hear "the sound."

No, I mean, I haven't played in so long.

Well, it's really personal stuff.

Play that funky music, white boy.

MONICA: Yeah, come on.
- No, you guys.

My keyboards are all the way...
Yeah, okay.

Okay, guys.

All right. Bring it on, you.

Here we go.

[PLAYS ONE NOTE]

You know, I've never played
my stuff for anyone before.

It's important that you understand...

...it's about communicating...

...very private emotions.

[PLAYS ONE NOTE]

You know...

You should think of my work...

...as wordless sound poems.

- That's what...
- My God, play.

[SAMPLER KEYBOARD PLAYS]

[SOUND EFFECTS PLAY]

Well, you know, that was...

...terrific.

Really...

...bitchin'.

Wow. It was so wow.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, you should
play in public.

Wow, thanks, you guys. That's...

I want to play you another piece.

ROSS:
Oh.

I left my helicopter sounds
on another disk. I'll be back.

This is so nice. I mean, I am so...

God bless my dad
for soundproofing the basement.

I can't believe I ever let him
touch me with those fingers.

What are you guys talking about?
I loved it.

It was so moving.

It's so different
from the stuff you usually hear.

You mean, music?

[DUCK QUACKS]

I know what you think.

Yes, yes, your breasts
are just as firm and juicy.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Come in.

Hey.

Oh, God. Is that Baywatch?

Yes, but I just watch it
for the articles.

So is Joey around?

No, he's not back yet.

Come in, have a seat. Bow or stern?

I don't have a preference. You?

I like it in the stern.

Of the boat.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

It's me. Casey and I
had a little car trouble.

- What happened?
JOEY: We broke down.

I have to get transmission fluid.

Tell Kathy that I'm sorry
and I'll be there soon.

- Why can't you tell her?
JOEY: I think my time is about to...

Joey? Joey?

Yeah?

I thought your time ran out.

Me too, but I guess I do have...

Joey's running a little late,
and he says he's sorry.

I guess it's just you and me, then.

Oh.

- Okay.
- Yeah, I think it is.

So what'd you do today?

I had an appointment
to cut my hair.

- Looks great.
- And then it got canceled.

I could cut it.

Really?

Yeah, I learned at my aunt's
dog-grooming shop. What do you say?

Dog grooming?

Don't make my tail too poofy.

You have really great hair.

Oh, thanks. I grow it myself.

[CHANDLER MOANS]

Joey also has great hair.

Yes, Joey has great hair.

I'm basically done here.
Let me get this hair off your neck.

What are you doing?

Checking if it's even.

Okay.

Looks good.

[PHONE RINGS]

The phone! The phone's making sounds.

- Hello.
- Hey, dude, it's me.

Hey, it's Joey.

It looks like we'll be stuck here.

I got the fluid.
The transmission wasn't there.

- What?
JOEY: It fell out.

I just figured we hit a dog.

Okay.

JOEY: Could you put Kathy on?
I want to apologize to her.

It's Joey.

Hey...

No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

Yeah, no, stop apologizing. It's okay.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

- I should probably go.
- Yeah.

Yes. Yeah...

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I forgot my purse.

Oh...

I really did. I forgot my purse.

- This is bad. It's bad.
- Horrible.

Wait, the kiss or the situation?

The kiss was good.

- But that's bad.
- Here's what we do.

- We forget it.
- What?

We swallow our feelings, even if
we're unhappy forever. Sound good?

Can you really do that?

I have to. He's my best friend.

And you're seeing him.

Chandler, I like Joey a lot.

But with you...

No, don't. Don't, see?

You're getting me confused.
I'm starting to yearn.

I'm sorry.

If you want to pretend that
nothing happened, I can try.

I think we have to.

Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Are you still out there?

KATHY:
No.

[SAMPLER KEYBOARD PLAYS]

[SINGING IN DISTORTED VOICE]
Electrifying

Infinite time

There's a Starbucks
about three blocks down.

He's so inspired.
Just look at him. Look at him go.

[IN DISTORTED VOICE]
Thank you very much.

MONICA:
Hey, aren't you up next?

- I'm not playing tonight.
- Why not?

I can't follow Ross.

It'd be like those
poor bicycle-riding chimps...

...who had to follow the Beatles. No.

Phoebe. Ross sucks.

The place has emptied because of him.

My God, he's not even
appreciated in his own time.

I'd give anything to not be
appreciated in my own time.

Okay. Phoebe...

You suck too.

Yeah, Phoebe.

You're awful.

You guys.

You suck too.

Man. I can't believe
I locked myself out again.

Hang on, buddy.

My God. What happened?

- Did you do all this? Why?
CHANDLER: I sure did.

It made me feel good to do
something nice for my friend.

You're amazing.

No, this is amazing.

A TV appears from nowhere.

The dream.

How did you afford all this?

I'm 29. I mean, who needs
a savings account?

You're the best friend
anyone has ever had.

I don't know.

JOEY:
No, you are.

You do this, you give me advice...

What you said about
focusing on one woman?

I'll do that.

With Casey?

I'll see how things go with Kathy.
She's cool.

- Or Casey.
JOEY: No, Kathy.

Could be Casey.

No, Kathy.

Consider Casey.

I think somebody's
got a little crush on Casey.

I'll fix you two up.
What do you think?

That all the pieces of my life
are falling right into place.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You were really great.
You were really, really great.

Thanks.

Monica tells me you don't want
to play anymore because of me...

...and, you know, my talent.

Is that true?

- Well, kind of, yeah.
- Pheebs...

I was trying to be really okay
and upbeat about it...

...but I just feel so dwarfed
by your musical gift.

See, but...

Pheebs, that is the exact
opposite intent of my music.

You know, my music
is meant to inspire.

If it bothers you this much...

...then I won't play anymore.

No, don't do that.

How could I live if I knew I was
depriving the world of your music?

Yeah, okay.

ROSS: Hey, Chandler.
Saw the new furniture. Very nice.

Joey has the best boyfriend ever.

I kissed Kathy.

GROUP:
What? Are you serious?

- Does Joey know?
CHANDLER: No.

Is there any way you think
he will understand this?

You obviously haven't
screwed over your friends.

Which we all appreciate.

If you'd told him how you felt
before you kissed her...

...knowing Joey,
he'd have stepped aside.

Don't say that. That's not true, is it?

GROUP: Yeah.
MONICA: He loves you.

Then why didn't you tell me to do that?

I said something to Phoebe.

And I thought it was a really good idea.

GROUP: Yeah, I remember.
CHANDLER: Oh, my God.

What am I going to do?

You'll have to tell him.

Why do I have to?

- Because you do.
- Yeah, I know.

Would it be okay
if I wrote a song about this?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sambuca Margarita?

It that a real thing?

Well, we only had sambuca, so it is now.

Listen, Joe. I need to...

I need to talk to you.

What's up?

It's about Kathy.

I like her.

I like her a lot, actually.

You do?

Yeah.

Your timing couldn't be better.

She's not my girlfriend anymore.

What?

- Yeah, she broke up with me.
- When?

Just now, after acting class.

I thought she was doing some scene,
so I let people watch.

Man, I am so sorry. Are you okay?

I've been better, but I'm all right.
So you like her?

Yes, but I don't have to.

No, it's okay.

- Yeah?
JOEY: Yeah.

You know why?
Because you came to me first.

I thought that would be
the best thing to do.

You might have your work
cut out for you.

When I talked to her, I got the feeling
she's into some other guy.

See, that's actually what
I wanted to talk to you about.

I think I know who the other guy is.

Who?

It's me.

I'm the other guy.

What?

When you were late last night,
Kathy and I got to talking...

...and one thing led to another, and...

And what? Did you sleep with her?

No, I just kissed her.

What? That's even worse.

- How is that worse?
- It's the same.

There's nothing I could do.
I'm in love with her.

JOEY:
Who cares?

You went behind my back?
I'd never do that to you.

I have no excuses.
I was totally over the line.

You're so far past the line,
that you can't even see the line.

It's a dot to you.

Yes.

Yes, right. And I feel horrible.
You have to believe me.

Is that why you bought all this?

You know what?

JOEY:
I will not watch your TV.

I won't listen to your stereo.

And there's a loaf in the new bread maker
I won't eat. Know why?

Because...

It's all tainted with your betrayal.

This apartment is empty to me.
I'm not happy about you, either.

[BREAD MAKER BELL RINGS]

And just so you know...

...I made that bread for you.

[SAMPLER KEYBOARD PLAYS]

[SOUND EFFECTS PLAY]

Oh, my God. He's totally lost it.

What?

Phoebe. This cannot get any worse.

Rats in the basement
are hanging themselves.

Thank you. Thanks.

I lost it.

I won't play anymore.

Would you... Can you finish my set?

After that? Yeah.

No, I mean, if I can help.

Like I could lose it.

- What?
- I played bad on purpose, guys.

- Oh.
- Oh.

You were playing bad this whole time.

Just that last song.

[English - US - SDH]