Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 6 - The One with the Dirty Girl - full transcript

- Thanks for the tasty dinner.
- You're welcome for a tasty dinner.

What are you guys looking at?

Ross and the most beautiful girl
in the world.

Yeah, come to Papa!

I know!

Probably the only time
I'll say this...

...but did you see the ass on her?

What did you...?
When did you...?

How did you...?
How did you get a girl like that?

So what is she, like a spokesmodel?
An aerobics instructor?

Actually, she's a paleontology
doctoral candidate...



...specializing in the Cenozoic Era.

But that's, like, the easiest era.

I've seen her at work,
but I always figured...

But I made her dinner.

We had a great time.
And we're going out again tomorrow.

Maybe her friends are betting to see
who gets the biggest geek.

Fine by me.
Hope she wins.

The One with the Dirty Girl

English Subtitles by
GELULA & CO., INC.

You have any wrapping paper?

Is it for my birthday present?

It was your birthday months ago.

You said you ordered something special
and it just hadn't come yet.

I have a call in about that.



It's for Kathy. It's an early copy
of her favorite book.

"The Velveteen Rabbit"!

When the boy's love
makes the rabbit real...

Don't touch it because
your fingers have destructive oils.

Then you'd better keep it away
from Ross' hair.

This is pretty rare.
How did you get that?

No big deal.
I just went to some bookstores...

...talked to some dealers, called
some of the author's grandchildren.

Honey, that's so sweet.

What a great way to say, "I secretly
love you, roommate's girlfriend."

It doesn't say that.

Does it?

How will it look when you get her
something incredibly meaningful...

...and expensive, and her boyfriend,
Joey, gives her an orange?

I'll make sure Joey gets her
something really great.

It's got to be better than that book.

Like a crossbow!

Once again, I am sorry.

Thank you. Bye.

I had to turn down a job
catering a funeral for 60 people.

Oh, my God!
What happened?

Sixty guests.

Why'd you have to turn it down?

I don't have
the money or equipment...

...to handle something that big
on such short notice.

Wow, what is with all the negativity?

You sound like "Moni-can't",
not "Moni-can"!

Moni-ca.

You've been playing around
with this catering for years.

- Do you want to be a caterer?
- I don't know.

There you go!
That's the spirit!

If you need money, I will lend
you money. Just get moving!

Really? I'd need $500
for all the food and supplies.

It's worth it if it'll get you moving.
You haven't worked in months!

Neither have you.

Yes, but I'm doing this.

That would be great! Thank you.

Can I borrow your apartment keys?

Why?

You can pee here.

Yes, I can, of course.

It's okay.
The duck's using our bathroom anyway.

What are you getting
for her birthday?

We've been dating a couple weeks.
I got to get her something?

You have to get her
something really nice.

- I know!
- And not one of your coupons...

...for an hour of "Joey Love".

A crossword!
Can I help?

Last week I got all
but three answers...

...and I want to finish one
without any help.

Fine.

But you can't help me develop
my new universal language.

How'd it go?

Oh, my God!
It was the best funeral ever!

Everyone loved the food.

I even got another funeral
for tomorrow.

The dead guy from today's best friend.

It's like I am the official caterer
for that accident.

Mon, I'm so happy for you!

Thanks. Check out
my new catering stuff.

Look!
I'm an omelet station!

Omelet? Made to order?

I'll have one, please.
Plus my money.

I didn't realize
you needed it right away.

You told me to go and be a caterer.
So I went. I be'd.

I used it to buy all this stuff.

I got another job tomorrow,
so I'll pay you back then.

Okay. Sorry I acted like a bank.

Would you like to come in?

Did Homo erectus hunt
with wooden tools?

According to recent findings.

Here, Mitzi! Here, Mitzi!

Mitzi is...?

My hamster.

I hope she's okay.
I haven't seen her in a while.

Have a seat.

Where?

Do you...

Do you have any
Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?

Well, I do.

Let's go back to my place,
light a couple candles...

...break open a box
of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties...

I'd rather not.

Oh, yeah? Why not?

Don't take this the wrong way...

...but your place kind of
has a weird smell.

- Is everything in the car?
- Did you settle the bill?

I hate this part.

Look what we almost left!

That's not mine.

Look what we almost took!

Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart?

Well, we're all cleaned up.

Good. Thank you.

And, well, there's
this small matter of the...

- Dear?
- The matter of...

...payment.

Jack used to handle the finances.

You know what we should all do?

Go see a musical.

Sure.

You know which one?

The 1996 Tony Award winner.

Do you know the name of that one?

I don't know. "Grease"?

"Rent"?

Yes! "Rent"!

So when do you want to go?

What? I'm sorry.
I can't, I'm busy.

Man, it is so hard
to shop for girls.

Yes, it is...

...at Office Max!

What did you get her?

A pen.

It's two gifts in one.
It's a pen that's also a clock.

- You can't give her that.
- Why not?

She's not 11!

And it's not the seventh night
of Chanukah.

What he means by that is,
while this is a very nice gift...

...maybe it's not something
a boyfriend gives.

Sure it is.

She needs a pen for work.

She's writing. She turns it over.
"It's time for my date with Joey!"

All right. What did you get
for Angela Del Veccio's birthday?

She didn't have one.

For three years?

Look, it's too late,
and I got an audition.

I can't shop anymore.

I will go out
and try to find something for her.

Thanks, man.

While you're at it,
could you get her a card?

Would you like me to write her
a little poem as well?

Or just get a card
that has a poem already in it.

- You have to get our money.
- She couldn't stop crying.

With those thick glasses,
her tears look giant.

I know, it's tough.

You know what the first thing I did
after my mom's funeral was?

Pay the caterer!

I've had a lot of jobs.

And there are some people
who always try to get out of paying.

It's either "That massage
wasn't long enough"...

...or "I don't know
any of those songs"...

...or "These sombreros aren't
big enough. Bad little white girl!"

So you think she's faking?

There weren't any tears
till you showed her the bill.

She sounded pretty upset to me.

She seems fine now.

So you just left?
Her place was really that bad?

You throw your jacket on a chair
at the end of the day.

Like that, only instead of a chair,
it's a pile of garbage.

And instead of a jacket,
it's a pile of garbage.

And instead of the end of the day,
it's the end of time...

...and garbage is all
that has survived.

- Here.
- Wow. Thanks.

So what happened?

Nothing.
I had to get out of there.

Next time, you take her
to your place.

I tried that.
She says it has a weird smell.

- What kind of smell?
- I don't know. Soap?

Listen, you like this girl, right?

You want to see her again?

So you're going to have
to do it in the mess!

Yeah, okay. You're right.

I mean, who cares about
a little sloppiness?

- It's endearing, really.
- All right!

Now you go get that beautiful pig!

I just spent the entire
afternoon looking for a present...

...for Kathy that would be
better than the rabbit.

Any luck?

Yeah, I found this great place
called "Invisible Things for Kathy".

Can you give me a hand
with all this stuff?

Just return the book,
let Joey give her the clock pen...

...and you get her
something worse than that...

...like a regular pen.

She's really going
to love this, you know?

The bottom line is,
I want her to have it...

...even if I don't get to be
the one who gives it to her.

Honey, that's so sweet.

You don't think it's just pathetic?

Oh, "pathetic"!

I've been looking all over for you.

Where?

Our place. The hall.

I got something.

It's a book.

A book?

Is it a book that's also a safe?

It's a book that's just a book.

It's the "Velveteen Rabbit".
It was her favorite as a kid.

So just let me know
if she likes it, okay?

You got it.

Thanks for doing this.
I owe you one.

There wasn't any change
from that twenty, was there?

No, it came out to an even twenty.

Wow. That's almost
as much as a new book.

You didn't get the money?

Maybe I can try at intermission?

You know what?
Let's just go.

We're not leaving till we get paid!

I don't know
who she thinks she is.

Enough is enough!

Hey, widow?

Widow?

Excuse me? Excuse me!

Thanks. Clearly this is
a very, very hard time for you.

But we provided a service,
and we deserve to be paid...

...because you ate that service.

We are not leaving here until
we are paid every penny, because...

...we're part-time caterers
and we have no place else to go.

All right. I'll get my bag.

Good.

I'm going to leave some cards here.

Please think of us
for your next event.

You want to come inside?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

I'll be right back.
Make yourself comfortable.

Guess who?

Department of Sanitation?

It's me.

What?

Oh, Cheryl!

It's my hamster! It's Mitzi!

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry.
I must have freaked out.

Thank God it's not Mitzi!

It's just a rat.

I did it!

I finished it!
I did it all by myself!

And there's nobody to hug.

Move!

Hey, you guys!

I finished it all by myself!
Hug me.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

How did it go?

The widow wouldn't pay,
so Phoebe yelled at her till she did.

I'm a hard-ass.

And I'm a wuss.
We should be partners.

Hard-ass and wuss.
We could fight crime.

Wait a minute, Phoebe.

We should be partners.

We should be catering partners.

You're not working now,
and we have a great time together.

I cook and you take care
of the money.

It'll be like
I have a wife in the '50s!

How did she like the gift?

She loved it.
She's showing the girls right now.

Yeah? That's great.

I got to tell you...

...I feel bad taking credit
for this, because...

...am I going to get
a lot of credit for this!

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

You know, Chandler got you
a gift too.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, he did. Look,
it's right there on the counter.

Happy birthday.

I'm sorry.

You really didn't have to.

You think it's just a pen, but you
turn it over and it's also a clock.

No, this is great!

Thank you, Chandler.

Want to go to bed?

I'll be in, in a minute.

Don't forget your coupon.

Good night.

Thank you for the gift.

I just knew that
sometimes when you're writing...

...you don't always
know the exact time.

No, I didn't mean the pen.
Thank you for the book.

The book?

"The Velveteen Rabbit"?

I have a feeling you had
something to do with it.

What do you mean?

When Joey gave it to me he said:

"This is because I know you like
rabbits, and I know you like cheese."

Thanks. I love it.

I know how hard
it must have been for you to find.

In case you missed that,
that sound was, "Oh, well."

You must really like Joey
to go to all that trouble.

Oh, yeah. He's my...

He's my best friend.

Good night.

Hey, that coupon expires, you know.

You don't know me.
I'm Monica Geller, Ross' sister.

You know, it's too bad
that didn't work out.

Anyway, he told me
about your apartment.

Well, I couldn't sleep
thinking about it.

So would it be okay
if I cleaned it?