Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 5 - The One with Joey's New Girlfriend - full transcript

Joe, I don't think a four-letter word
for "ship" can be "ship."

I thought it was a freebie.

Hello!

What's this?

Oh, right!
It's that girl's phone number.

There it is.
Just a phone number...

a really hot girl gave me.

It's no big deal. I mean,
it is her home phone number, but....

Almost lost this baby!

The lovely Amanda gives me her
number, and I go and drop it.

Thank you.



The One with
Joey's New Girlfriend

- When's your birthday?
- May 5th. Why?

I'm making a list of birthdays.

- Mine's December
- Yeah, whatever.

She's pretty!

Pretty, pretty girl. The pretty
She's pretty.

Go ask her out.

- What's the worst that could happen?
- I could die.

Yeah, it's tough being single.

That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda.

Ross, you guys went out once.

You took your kids to Chuck E. Cheese,
and you didn't even kiss her.

I tell people secrets.

It makes them like me.



All I'm gonna say is, finally, it's
nice to be in a mature relationship.

You know, the world would
be such a better place...

if that actually was
all you were gonna say.

Phoebe.

You're sick.
You shouldn't play. Go home.

But I'm unemployed.

My music is all I really have now.

Well, music and making my own shoes.
Pretty, huh?

All right, I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna go get shot down.

Any advice?

Just be yourself...

but not too much.

Wish me luck.

Good luck!

Wish it!

I was just sitting over there and....

My name's Chandler.
Did I say that?

No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy.

- Kathy with a K or a C?
- With a K.

Wow, you are really good at this!

I'm out on a limb here!

I'm sorry. You're right.

But I should tell you,
I'm waiting for a date.

And there he is now!

I see you guys already met.

I was trying to demonstrate...

how I could get my
very large feet...

into my even bigger mouth.

Didn't I tell you?

Always showing off.

Before I start, I want to say
that I have a cold.

So if I sneeze during a song,
it's not on purpose.

Except the last verse of
"Pepper People."

Smelly cat, smelly cat

What are they feeding you?

This chick sounds good.

Smelly cat

Gunther, be a good little boy
and bring me a whiskey.

At 2:30 a.m., I didn't expect
to have to fight over the remote.

Sorry, there's this Ernie Kovacs
thing I wanted to watch.

That's why I got up too.

You're kidding? I love him!

My dad made me stay up
and watch reruns with him.

Mine too. Did your dad also make
you watch the Mr. Universe contest?

- No.
- Well, me neither.

I'm sorry about this afternoon. If I had
known that you two, I never would have....

Oh, please.

Joey tells me you two met
in acting class.

They teamed us up as partners.
Joey picked three scenes for us to do.

All of them had us making out.

That's a good thing because he used to
make me rehearse with him.

- Is it on?
- No, but this Wonder Broom is amazing!

Oh, my God!

It's on!

Here we go, little fella.

What about the duck?

The duck can swim.

My sticky shoes

My sticky, sticky shoes

Why you stick on me?

Baby

Thanks for the lights, honey.

Way to go!

Your cold makes you sound great.

It's fun.
God, I love how sexy I am!

Kath, we should get going.
We're going to buy hamsters.

I love them.

No, it's not like that.
I work for a medical researcher.

- Well, have fun.
- Okay.

It's nice that
the medical community...

is trying to help sick hamsters.

- Isn't it?
- Yeah, it's great.

You know what? I like Kathy.

Me too!
She's so cool and pretty.

She is.

She's smart and funny.

We were up all last night talking.
She said the funniest thing about

What?

You love her.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.
Chandler loves Kathy.

- Come on, just lay off him.
- Thank you.

He's a little sensitive right now
because he's so in love!

All right.

Kathy, I love you!

I need to write some depressing stuff
to go with my new bluesy voice.

But nothing that sad has
ever really happened to me.

How about your mom dying?

Or having to live on the streets
when you were 14?

I could write about the time
my hair did that whoo-hoo thing.

I'm going over to Amanda's tonight.

Rachel's not here.

How's it going with her?

Great, actually. I'm thinking
tonight may be the night.

The kids are gonna play together,
and then when they're asleep...

I'm thinking Amanda and I break
open a bottle of wine...

do a little playing ourselves.

Hi, guys! This is Josh.

Josh, these are my friends.

And that's Ross.

Dudes.

You played in college?

I still do.
Next year, I hope to make varsity.

Didn't you play soccer
in high school?

No, wait. You just organized
their game schedules on your Commodore 64.

It's getting late. I gotta get
to the game, so I'm gonna... head.

I'll miss you.

Dope!

Wow! Cute one.

- Very cute.
- I know. Isn't he great?

So nice to finally be in a
fun relationship, you know?

There's nothing boring about him.

I bet he's never set foot
in a museum.

Maybe he'll get to go soon.

Like on a class trip or something.

You know what else is
great about him?

What is the word for an adult...

who doesn't have dinosaur
toys in their bedroom?

What was that?

Monica knows.

It's this dumb thing that Ross made up
to try to fool our parents.

It's a way of giving the finger
without actually having to give it.

I cried the night you made that up.

It was the first time I realized
I was cooler than my big brother.

I'm going to go get ready...

for my date tonight...

so I'll just "head."

I should go too.
I'm playing in one hour.

You guys should come hear me.

Hear me.

My sticky shoes

I lost my sexy phlegm!

Hi, Ben.

- You look great!
- Thanks.

Hey, Tommy!

I am so glad that you
could come over tonight.

Oh, no. It's my pleasure.

My cell phone number
is here on the counter.

Please, help yourself to
anything in the fridge.

I appreciate this so much. I have
been trying to go out with...

this guy for a month.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd
wait and drink your wine...

after the kids are asleep.

I blocked the adult channels for the other
babysitters, but the code is four, three

I'm fine.

Thanks for this. I hope I can do
the same for you sometime.

Who wants to make
some long-distance calls?

Kathy! Kathy! Hi!

Kathy! Kathy!

Kathy!

Fetch! Fetch it!

Kathy! Kathy!

Kathy!

Kathy!

Kathy!

Chandler, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to say, "Hey!"

Hey.

Okay.

You're making it sound
worse than it was.

Her date tipped me $10!

What are you doing?

I want to be sexy again,
so I'm trying to catch a cold.

Should be easy.
They're pretty common.

You'll catch pneumonia!

Okay, you were right.
I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend.

- What?
- Are you serious?

How is that possible?
You barely know her.

I don't know. I just

I can't get her out of my head.

I'm a very bad person.
I'm a very, very bad person.

I'm a horrible person.

"No, you're not.
We still love you, Chandler!"

Phoebe, I think I caught your cold.

You mean you stole it!

Don't cover your mouth
when you do that!

We were just talking about you.

Really?

The time you got drunk
and fell asleep...

with your head in the toilet.

Right in there!

- What movie did you get?
- I got what I always get.

Die Hard.

That's what I like about Joey.
Any other guy would have been:

"Yeah, The English Patient
is my favorite movie too."

But Joey goes, "No way.
Let's get Die Hard.

I'm not watching that English crap."

Yeah, he's dreamy.

I gotta go.
I gotta go meet some friends.

He has other friends?

Ninety-nine...

a hundred.
Ready or not, here I come!

Let's go over the concept
one more time.

You want to get some dinner
with me and Kathy tonight?

You know what? I already ate.

It's 4:30.

I had a big meal on Monday.

So that'll get me
straight through the week.

I see what's going on here.

- You do?
- Yeah.

You don't like Kathy.

You got me.

You've been avoiding her
ever since we started going out.

I made an effort to like Janice.

Now I think it's your turn to make an effort
to like Kathy by going out with us. Right?

- Yeah, right.
- Good. And hey, my treat.

- Only because you're not eating, right?
- Right.

Sorry, Grandma.

Ross isn't here.

Stop it!

I'll see you at the party?

Beer's fear, man!
Twenty-four, seven!

I am so gonna marry that guy.

What?

- I think he's stealing from me.
- Why?

Because he's stealing from me!

Hi, it's me...

and soup.

I just saw Josh. He looked so
yummy in your leather jacket.

I don't eat chicken,
so it's just noodle soup.

There's no chicken in the broth,
so it's really just noodle water.

- Thank you so much.
- Sure.

What are you doing?

I need your germs.
I want my cold back.

I miss my sexy voice.

Sorry, Phoebe.

It's okay.

How's the soup?

Check it out!
You can see that girl's underwear.

Is she great, or what?

What do you think?

She's not really my type.

Not your type? She's gorgeous.

You know what it is?
The fishnet stockings.

Whenever I see a girl in fishnet
stockings, it reminds me of...

my father in fishnet stockings.

Understanding a little more of
why you're single.

I have a friend you'd like. She's really
pretty. And then we could double date.

No, thanks.

I've got some ugly friends, and
they're all available too.

I'm gonna grab a beer.

I'll be right back.

- What was that?
- What?

Kathy's being really nice
and you just walked away.

What do you want from me?

I want you to like her.

If that's too damn difficult for you,
then the least you could do is pretend.

- I am pretending.
- Then do it better.

What do you say I go over there and
tell her how much I like her?

I can tell her how much
I've been thinking of her.

I haven't stopped thinking
about her since we met.

I'm so over the top,
want-to-slit-my-own-throat...

in love with her
that for every minute...

I can't believe my own damn bad
luck that you met her first!

That's pretty good.

But you might want
to tone it down a little.

I still have a fever? Are you
sure that thing's working right?

Well, we could take
it the other way.

So Amanda just dropped me off.

That's one of the things
I love about her.

She's old enough to drive.

You're not going
to Mom and Dad's tonight?

No, sorry.

Where's Amanda?

Could you get me
some cough drops?

I'm thinking you could bring her...

and you guys could go up to your
old room and not make out.

Cough drop, please?

At least she's not
going out with me...

to get into R-rated movies.

Why don't you just marry her?

Wait, you can't! I forgot.
She's not a lesbian.

- Amanda and I have a
- You have nothing!

You're not even going out!
You're her babysitter.

You have a 12-year-old girl's job!

That is so sad.

And what are you laughing at,
Miss My-keg-sucking-boyfriend...

-is-stealing-from-me?

So he stole a couple bucks
from me. Big deal!

At least he got me
something with it.

That's mine!

Would you both please
start acting like adults?

And give me my cough drops!

- Fine.
- Sorry.

Here.

Thank you.

At least I made $10 in
my relationship.

You know...?

Parading goats are parading

Parading down the street

Parading goats are parading

Leaving little treats

Does it even work
without my sexy voice?

I like it.

- Gunther, kiss me.
- What?

Do it, deputy! Do something!

We aren't exactly sleeping in here,
but do you mind?

Can I sleep on your couch?

And I'm still waiting

For my papier-mache man

Thank you, my babies.

Rachel?

Did you hear what happened
between me and Phoebe?

We kissed. I didn't initiate it,
but I also didn't stop it.

I've been feeling guilty.

Okay.

So...

are we cool?

Okay.

I knew you would understand.