Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 4 - The One with the Ballroom Dancing - full transcript

Hey, new wallet?

It was time.

The old condom ring in the leather
just doesn't say "cool" anymore.

Rachel, you just put an empty carton
back in the fridge.

I know,
but the garbage was full.

Have you ever taken out the trash?

Since you've lived here?

Well, I thought you liked doing it.

- Third door on the left.
- Right!

Hey, Mr. Treeger.

What are you doing?



I'm sorry.

It's a little old but....

You're clogging up the chute
I just unclogged.

I'm sorry.
I don't come in here a lot.

Of course not.
You're a little princess.

Daddy, buy me a pizza.

Daddy, buy me a candy factory.

Daddy, make the cast of Cats
sing "Happy Birthday" to me.

You think you can come here...

make a mess and a big man
in coveralls will clean it up?

Think of someone else for a change.

Okay, I'm sorry.

God, if you're going to cry about it!

The One With Ballroom Dancing



Treeger made you cry?

He said really mean things
that were only partly true.

I'll teach him a lesson.

Joey, don't.
Let's forget about it.

That's easy for you to say.
You weren't almost just killed!

All right, that's it.
School is in session!

Is this a gym card?

Oh, yeah, gym member.

I try to go four times a week,
but I've missed...

the last 1200 times.

So why don't you quit?

You don't think I've tried?

You think I like having $50 a month
taken from my account?

They make you go
all the way down there.

They use all these phrases
and peppiness to confuse you.

And then they bring out Maria.

- Who is Maria?
- Oh, Maria!

You can't say no to her.

She's like this lycra,
spandex-covered, gym treat.

Do you need me to go with you
and hold your hand?

You're strong enough to face her?

Oh, no. You'll have to come.

Tribbiani. Hold on.

I'll get the plunger.

You hold on.
You made my friend Rachel cry.

So you'll go and apologize to her...

unless you want me
to call the landlord.

And tell him what?

Maybe you haven't heard of
"not making girls cry."

Maybe you haven't heard of the
Rent Stabilization Act of 1968.

I have actually not heard of that.

Your friends are violating it.

I've been nice until now,
but I don't need this grief.

I'm telling the landlord...

Monica's illegally
subletting her grandmother's place.

Your friends are out of here, pal.

Why don't you tell me
something I don't know?

Somebody tell me
I don't have to work today.

What's the matter?

My first massage is
this incredibly gorgeous guy.

Every time I see him,
I want to...

do things to him
I can't charge for.

So do them for free.

No, it is forbidden.

Mrs. Potter fires people
for messing around with clients.

And it's against my oath
as a masseuse.

- They make you take an oath?
- No, I made myself take one.

No fooling around with clients...

and always be prepared.

That one's from the Boy Scouts,
but it just makes good sense.

Why not give him to someone else?

No, I can handle it.
I'm a professional.

Pheebs, is that
a new ankle bracelet?

You got a pedicure.

Your feet are all dressed up.

That's the only part he can see
when he's on the table!

You're going to do
some feet flirting!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

How do you explain the toe ring?

It's Arabian Princess Day at work.
Leave me alone!

My hero! What happened?

I told him no one treats
my friends like that.

And he better apologize.
See you!

Wait a minute.

What did he say?

He wouldn't apologize because
you're living here illegally.

Instead, he'll evict you.
See you later!

- You got us evicted?
- I told you not to go down there.

He made Rachel cry!

Rachel always cries!

That's not true!

You go down there,
and you suck up to him.

You suck like
you've never sucked before!

All right, I'll try.

If I can't, you stay with us
till you get settled.

- Go!
- All right, all right.

I'll have to check first,
but he'll be cool.

Remember what we talked about.
You got to be strong.

Now one more time.

Don't you want a washboard stomach
and rock-hard pecs?

No, I want a flabby gut
and saggy man-breasts.

That's good.

I want to quit the gym.

You want to quit?

I want to quit the gym.

You do realize you won't have
access to our new Swedish spa?

I want to quit the gym.

Dave in the membership office
handles quitters.

Excuse me. Are you a member?

Me?

Sorry. Members only.

I want to quit the gym!

It's okay, man. Be strong.

Are you a member of any gym?

No, and I'm not going to be.
So save your little speech.

Okay, no problem.

Could you come here?

Hi, I'm Maria.

You have really pretty feet.

These old things?

Would you spend time on my
sciatic area? It's killing me.

You mean....

By sciatic, you mean...

the towel-covered portion?

Sure, I can do that.

Because the muscles
in the sciatic area can get...

real nice and tight.

So tell me, Rick,
how did you injure the area?

A 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.

- Did you just bite me?
- No!

Please don't kick the girls out.
This was my fault.

You want me to kick
you guys out instead?

You can't. Where would
the chick and the duck live?

You have pets?

Those are nicknames.

I'm the "chick,"
and Chandler's the "duck."

I would've thought
it was the other way around.

Come on. Let the girls stay.

I'll do whatever you want.

Really? You'd do anything?

Yeah, absolutely.

I got something.

What is it?

Can you be my dancing partner?

That's not prison lingo, is it?

I want to quit the gym.

Can you honestly tell me that you're
100% satisfied with your body.

Yes, yes. Most of the time.

I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but
then I remember what a cute smile I have.

We were voted "Best-equipped Gym
in New York" two years running.

- Do you really want to give that up?
- Yes, I hate it here.

Everything that you have
in here is very heavy.

Really? Okay?

You want to make your
friend work out alone?

- What friend?
- Your friend Ross. Just joined.

His dancing partner?

There's this superintendents' dance,
"The Super Ball."

He wants to impress Marge,
this lady super he likes.

Why not practice with a girl?

He's too shy.

He's not good enough
to dance with girls yet.

Yeah, right.

He almost danced me right down
that garbage chute.

Would you let it go already?
You're fine.

So did you quit?

I almost did.

Couldn't leave Ross there
without a spotter.

Wait, now, so you joined the gym?

And that's funny, why?

I was just, you know,
picturing you working out, and....

Well, that's it.

We're doomed.

They'll take $50 a month from our
accounts for the rest of our lives.

What are we gonna do?

You could actually go to the gym.

Or we could go to the bank...

close our accounts
and cut them off at the source.

You're a genius.

Oh, man! But then,
we won't be bank buddies.

Now there's two reasons.

You guys, remember that cute client
I told you about?

I bit him.

- Where?
- On the tushy.

And that's not against your oath?

I know,
but the moment I touch him...

I want to throw out my old oath
and take a new, dirty one.

Next time, try to distract yourself.

Like when I'm doing
something exciting...

and I don't want to get too...

excited.

I try and think of other things.
Like sandwiches...

and baseball...

and Chandler.

- Thank you.
- Oh, no, thank you.

All right, I'm here.
Let's get this over with.

Okay, well...

just follow my lead.

Don't we need to do some kind
of preparation first?

Like get really drunk?

Come on. Hey, just put
your arms around me.

I'm sorry.

No. It's okay.
But if I'm Marge...

my breasts are coming out my back.

Forget it!
I'm not being any good at this.

My mom was right.

I'm just a big potato
with arms and legs and a head.

Come on, man.
You're not a potato.

I'm sure as hell not a dancer.
It's no use.

Marge will never go for me.

Come on, Treeger.
Don't say that.

You just need more practice.

Come on. Let's try it again.

Plus, it was probably
mostly my fault anyway.

I'm not that comfortable
dancing with a

So how goes the dancing?
Gay yet?

You guys owe me bigtime.

What was that?

You just did a little dancy thing.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- You did a little hop.
- You are so enjoying this.

No, I'm not.

And it wasn't a hop.
It was a pas de bourree.

You know the words!

You are so into this!

Maybe I'm enjoying it a little.
I'm getting pretty good at it.

This is so sweet.
Joey, our little twinkletoes.

This isn't some kind of girly dance.

It's like a sport, it's manly.

- Show me some "manly" moves.
- All right.

I don't know how to lead.

Hello.

We'd like to close our accounts.

Close your accounts?
Is there a problem?

No, we'd just like to close them.

Ms. Lambert handles all our closures.

Would you come over here, please?

Hi, I'm Karen.

I want to quit the bank!

Okay. Baseball.

Rick playing baseball.
He slides into second.

Maybe even his pants
come down a little.

Okay, sandwiches. Sandwiches.

Okay, on a plate.

Maybe Rick's pants come down a little.

Chandler.

Okay, Chandler. That's working!

Chandler's knees.

Chandler's ankles.

Chandler's ankle hair.

Oh, no!

Okay, you're all set.

Wow! That was amazing!

Was that really just an hour?

In really long-hour world.

What?

I have an enormous crush on you.

But since you're a client,
I can't ask you out...

even though you give me
the feelings.

I had no idea.

I can always find another masseuse.

Really?

Yeah, really.

What?

Suddenly I'm very aware I'm naked.

Quiet down.

Mr. Simon's been waiting
Oh, my God!

Why wasn't I offered that?

I'd definitely pay more for that.

We have rules here.
This is not that kind of place.

I know, but this isn't
how it looks at all...

because Rick is my husband.

Oh, really?

You'd better tell his other wife.

She called three times
asking where he is.

Yes, I will tell her.

So you didn't leave the bank?

And somehow we ended up
with a joint checking account.

What will you ever use that for?

To pay for the gym.

So I had a great day.

Rick and I hit it off.
We were making out.

Then my boss walked in
and fired me for being a whore.

- You got fired?
- Oh, my gosh!

It's so weird. I have never
been fired from anything.

Sweetie.

I started walking around,
not knowing what to do next.

I started asking people on the street
if they wanted massages.

Then these policemen thought
I was a whore too.

It's really been a bad day,
whore-wise.

Hey, Duck. Is Chick here?

Yeah, Bunny Rabbit.

Ready for our last practice?

We're not getting that spin right
because my place is too small.

- Want to use our place?
- No, I had another idea.

We did it!

That was incredible!

That was amazing!
We totally nailed it!

Hey, listen.
Thanks a lot, Tribbiani.

Oh, my God! Look at the time.

I got to catch the bus to the ball.

Good luck.

Unless you want to practice
the fox trot. Or the tango?

Thanks, but no.

You see, I think I'm ready
to dance with girls.

- Go get them, Treeger.
- Right.

You want to come?
Marge has a friend.

Really?

You'd dance good with her.
She's the same size as me.

No, I'm good.

It looks like you've got
great experience.

Let's see.
Reason for leaving last job?

They thought I was a whore.

Okay. We'll give you a call
if anything comes up.

Great. Thank you very much.