Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 22 - The One with the Worst Best Man Ever - full transcript

at first Ross chooses Joey to be his best man but after a mishap at his bachelor party, he decides he wants both Joey and Chandler as his best men. Phoebe's mood swings makes Monica and Rachel nervous.

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Hurry up!
The flight leaves in four hours!

There could be traffic!
The plane could leave early!

In London, there could be
a line at customs! Come on!

Six-hour trip to London.
That's a lot of Monica.

What have you got there?

Condoms, dude.

Well, how come the writing is in spanish?

Don't read my condoms.

Passport, check. Camera, check.
Traveler's checks, check.

- Who are you saying "check" to?
- Myself.

For remembering to pack a thing.



You do a good thing,
you get a "check."

Mom does it.
I never realized it was weird.

My mom used to put her head
in the oven.

Actually, only the one time.
But it's pretty weird.

Are you ready yet?

- Got the tickets?
- Right here. Check!

It's all London, baby!

Here we go.

Got your passport?

Third drawer of my dresser.
You don't want to lose that!

There it is!

The One With Ross' Wedding

The vacuum's in my closet
on the left side.

Garbage bags are next
to the refrigerator.



Rachel's gonna be here.
Can't l just ask her?

Yeah, okay. Give that a try!

- Let's do it.
- Cheerio!

London, baby!

That's not gonna get annoying.

London, baby!

You know what? l was wrong.

We're all here. Let's get going!

I want to go over and hug you...

and wish you luck,
but l can't get up.

- I'll come hug you.
- Great, can you bring me the paper?

- Have a great wedding.
- Thanks.

Chandler, l want to hug you too!

You might as well bring my book
from your apartment.

- So we're off.
- Have fun!

- I can't believe you won't be there.
- I know.

Come. Why don't you come?

To London. Please?
It would mean so much to me.

I gotta work. l'm sorry.

Why can't you take
a couple of days off?

Because l can't. l told you.

This is my wedding.

Now we are late.
Let's go, let's go!

Fine, you'll watch it
on video when we get back.

Here you go, Phoebe!
Phoe-bo! Phoo-ba-la!

You!

Let's go!

Bye, Pheebs!

London, baby!

Oh, God!

Do you need a hug?

You don't have to bring me anything.

Chandler, do something!

- Do something!
- I am. l'm ignoring you.

I'll be the on-camera guy.

All right. First stop...

Westminster Abbey.

What is that?

That's London, baby!

All right, the hotel's here.

Wait.

We want to go...

I know.

I'm gonna have to go into the map.

If you see a little version
of me in there, kill it!

I got it.

Here we go!

We're not gonna have to walk this way
the entire time, are we?

Man, you made me lose it!

That was all before 10:00.

The caterer rang. lt'll be Chicken
Kiev, not Tarragon.

Then the florist said
there are no tulips.

And the cellist has
carpal tunnel syndrome...

Emily, honey. Okay?

Well, up yours too!

- What?
- Oh, that's not what it means.

- No! That's "time out."
- Sorry.

Sweetie, relax.
Everything will be great, okay?

Come on, come on.

Chicken Kiev?

Doesn't that sound delicious
at the last minute?

Salmon would be
more elegant than chicken.

And you wouldn't worry
about the salmonella.

But of course...

with salmon you would have
to worry about the chicknella.

I can't wait to see
where you're getting married.

It's beautiful.
Her parents got married here.

I can't believe
they're tearing it down.

It's really the most lovely building.
It's over...

Oh, my God!

It's nice.

Oh, my God!

What are we going to do?

Everything's gonna be all right.

How's it gonna be all right?

I see that.

I talked to a guy,
and l found out what happened.

They tore it down early.

All right!

Westminster Abbey.

Hands down, best abbey l ever seen.

What do you think of the Abbey?

It's great! They're thinking
of changing the name.

- To what?
- To "Put the Camera Away"!

Man, you are Westminster Crabby.

Don't worry, you'll find
some place to get married.

Sorry. Lucky this dress is red.

We can't find another place.

Then we can't have the wedding.

I've ordered chicken, and salad,
and cake for a 150.

What should be the most wonderfull day
of my life...

is rapidly turning into just Sunday
with a spectacular amount of food.

You're gonna find a place.

But even if, God forbid, you didn't,
so you postpone the wedding.

Is that really so bad?

Think about it. You could take all the time
your needed to get everything that you want.

You could have tulips.
You could have salmon.

Salmon.

I suppose it wouldn't be
the end of the world.

Oh, thank you.

Look, either way you're gonna get married.
You're gonna be happy.

My mom's gonna like you better than me.

Oh, God. She has told you
that already, didn't she?

- Don't get up. What do you need?
- Nothing.

Come on. l'm here
to take care of you.

Okay, l have a wedgie.

That is all you.

What do you want for lunch?

I don't know.

I guess we have to eat.

Yeah, l do.

What's the matter?

I'm bummed the way
l left things with Ross.

I wish l didn't lie about work.
He seemed so mad at me.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
If l was still in love with some...

Still in love with?

I'm not in love with Ross.

Good!

Yeah, me neither.

I'm not at the wedding,
because he's my ex-boyfriend...

and that would be uncomfortable.

Not because l'm in love with him.
I like Ross as much as anyone.

Clearly, l have feelings for him,
but they don't mean love.

I mean, do l still have
loving feelings for Ross? Yeah!

I have continuing feelings of love.

But that doesn't mean
l'm still in love with him.

I have sexual feelings for him,
but l do love him.

Oh, my God!

Why didn't you tell me?

- We thought you knew!
- We?

We all know.
We talk about it all the time.

You all know? Does Ross know?

No! Ross doesn't know anything.

And you didn't tell me!

We thought you knew.
It's so obvious!

It would be like telling Monica:

"Hey, you like things clean."

Or, you know, "Hey, Joey, you're gay."

What?

Oh, please, she's always got
a broom in her hand.

What are you in the market for?
Scarves, souvenir postcards....

Check this out!

That's the stuff!
What do you think?

I won't need that
"l'm with stupid" T-shirt anymore.

Well, l like it. Here you go.

You're not really buying that.
Haven't you embarrassed me enough?

Oh, l embarrass you?

How can l answer when
l'm pretending l don't know you?

He's just jealous.
All Londoners wear them.

Really? Then how come no one here
anywhere is wearing one?

They're all tourists.

If you insist on wearing that
in public...

you're gonna spend the afternoon
all by yourself.

If you make me choose between
you and the hat, l choose the hat.

- Good choice.
- Thanks.

That's it! l'm out of here.
I won't be embarrassed any more.

How are you doing? Joey Tribbiani, America.

I spoke to your dad,
and you know what?

He thinks we can find a new hall.

- We don't have to.
- You found a place?

No, but Monica and l were talking...

and l was so upset about the hall
being knocked down...

and she suggested we put
the wedding off for a bit.

She said what?

If l won't be happy with somewhere
we'd find in a day...

we should postpone it.

Postpone it.

Do you think Monica realizes
how much our parents spent on this?

Do you think my sister's teeny,
tiny, little brain comprehends...

that people took time
out of their lives...

to fly thousands of miles
to be here?

This isn't right.

I realize that people
are gonna be disappointed.

But l'm sure they'll come back.

I can't ask people to do that.
Would you?

Don't you point your pants at me!

We have no choice.

Anywhere half-decent
will have been booked.

Don't you understand?
This is our wedding!

Postponing it is not an option.
This is when we're getting married.

- You're saying it's now or never?
- I'm saying it's now.

- Or?
- There's no "or" in mine!

What is wrong with these pants?

It's not the pants.
It's you who's backwards.

If you don't understand
how important this is to me...

perhaps we shouldn't marry at all!

Emily, no! Wait, stop!
Emily, please...

Did shopping help you
feel any better?

Manhattan doesn't have enough stores.

I can help you get over him.

You can?

I need you to bring me
photos of Ross...

and a small piece of chocolate...

and a glass of tepid water.

Is this where you throw stuff...

in a bag with graveyard dirt
and hang it from a north-facing tree?

Only if you have the hiccups too.

The chocolate and water are for me.
I didn't feel like getting up.

I'll show you a picture of Ross.

And you remember all
the bad things about him.

- Focus on his flaws.
- I can do that.

I did that
while we were going out.

Before we start, l want to say,
for the record, l love Ross.

He's such a great guy.

Close your eyes.

Imagine that you're with Ross.

Imagine that you're kissing him.

You're running your hands
all over his body.

You run your hands
through his hair but...

Gross! lt's some kind of grease.

I don't know.

His hair never bothered me that much.

It was more crunchy
than it was greasy.

This will be harder than l thought.

Let's try some aversion therapy.

Look at the picture.

How do you feel now?

Well, l like you less.

Sorry.

I'm sorry. l shouldn't have said
you were embarrassing me.

That wasn't cool.

If it makes you feel any better,
l've had a really lousy day.

Me too.

- Yeah?
- No!

I had the best day ever!

Dude, check this out!

Tell my friend you like my hat.

- What's your friend's name?
- Chandler.


Hi, Chandler.

- That's...
- That's Fergie, baby!

Joey says you don't like his hat,
but I think it's kind of dashing.


So I hear you're single now.

- Yeah, I don't like the hat that much.
- Okay.


When did you...? How?

I was trying to get
to Buckingham Palace.

So l'm in my map and...

I understand you had
a talk with Emily.

Yes, l did.

And you are welcome.

Am l?

Was it your idea
to postpone the wedding?

- I'm going to the bathroom.
- Wait up!

Since you're the fix-it lady,
here's a pickle:

What do you do when the bride says
she doesn't want the wedding at all?

She said that? Why?

I don't know. l said it was stupid
to put off the wedding...

and she, like, flipped out.

Oh, my God!
You're even dumber than l am.

Excuse me?

How long have you been planning
this wedding?

I don't know. A month?

Emily's probably been planning it
since she was 5.

Ever since the first time she hung
a pillowcase from her head.

That's what we did.

We dreamed about the perfect wedding.

In the perfect place.

With the perfect
four-tiered wedding cake.

With the little people on top.

But the most important part...

is that we had the perfect guy...

who understood just how important
all that stuff was.

I had no idea.

That pillowcase thing, l thought
you were doing The Flying Nun.

Sometimes we were.

Come on.

Help me figure out what to do.

Pretty intense, huh?

I hope Ross didn't think we left
because we were uncomfortable here.

I hope he did.

I thought of a good flaw.
Ross pops his gum.

Oh, right.

- Wait a minute. l do that too.
- I know, it drives me crazy.

I'll get it.

Pheebs, it's Joey.

Hey, Joey!

I saw someone that looks just
like you on the subway.

I was going to say hi, then l figured
he doesn't care he looks like you.

That just cost me 4 bucks.

I called to see how the chick
and the duck are doing.

They're having fun with Aunt Phoebe.
Aunt Rachel hasn't been helpful.

So do you miss me?

Kind of, but l've been
having too much fun.

You're not homesick yet?

I don't think so.

Well, the seven of us miss you.

- Who's seven?
- Me, Rachel...

the birds, the babies.

The babies miss me?

Of course they do, or
l'm just really hungry.

Pizza guy's here!

You ordered pizza without me?

But we were thinking about you.
We ordered the Joey Special.

Two pizzas?

- Gotta go! Talk to you later.
- Wait!

Where did you get it from?

And they're always glad you came

You want to be where you can see

Your troubles are all the same

You want to be
Where everybody knows your name


Why have you brought me here?

You'll see.

This wedding won't happen.

Ross.

But imagine a lot more lights...

and fewer bricks...

and flowers and candles.

And the musicians can go over here.

The chairs can face this way and...

You go.

But if you don't love this,
we'll do it any other place or time.

Really, it's fine.

Whatever you want.

It's perfect.

And, l don't know, if it rains...

Then we'll get wet.

I don't even have a date.

Do you remember
where the duck food is?

In the guys' apartment,
under the sink. Why?

Because l'm going to London.

What? What do you mean?

I have to tell Ross l love him.

Take care and don't have
the babies till l get back.

But what about all the finding-his-flaws
stuff we've been doing?

Yeah, that didn't work.

You can't go. Ross loves Emily.

I know, but l have
to tell him how l feel.

He deserves all the information
to make an informed decision.

You're going
because you hope he'll say:

"l love you too.
Forget the British chippy."

You think he will?

No, because he's in love
with the British chippy!

You're just gonna mess with his head
and ruin his wedding.

It's too late!
You missed your chance.

I'm sorry. This must be hard.

But it's over.

No, it's not over
until someone says, "l do."

l do! l do!

Like l can really chase you.
I'm carrying a litter!

The Waltham residence.

Is this Emily's parents' house?

This is the housekeeper speaking.

And, by the way, that is not how one
addresses a person on the telephone.

First one identifies oneself...

and then asks for the person
with whom one wishes to speak.

What are you saying?

Now, let us try that again, shall we?

No!

Oh, my God!

- The Waltham residence.
- Hello.

This is Phoebe Buffay.
I was wondering, please...

if it's not
too much trouble, please...

might l speak with
Miss Emily Waltham, please?

Miss Waltham is
at the rehearsal dinner.

And it is not polite
to make fun of people. Goodbye.

I'll be nice, l swear. Could you just
give me the number for where they are?

I'm afraid l'm not at liberty
to divulge that information.

Somebody is on their way to ruin
the wedding, and l have to warn somebody.

So if you don't give me that number,
l'm gonna come over there...

and l'm gonna kick your snooty ass
all the way to New Gloukenshire!

Hello? Hello?

She knew l could kick her ass.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Mom, Dad.

Sorry we're late.

My fault.
I insisted on riding the tube.

Judy, the kids!

Jack, that's what they call the subway.

- I thought...
- Dad, we got it.

Here comes my dad and stepmom.

Mr. and Mrs. Geller.

- This is Steven...
- Hello, darling.

And Andrea Waltham.

Very nice to meet you.

Darling, the Gellers.

Darling, it's the Gellers.

She's very self-involved.
I should never have married her.

- It's the Gellers.
- Where?

That's one and that's another one.

Lovely to meet you.

Nice of you to offer to pay
for half the wedding.

The hell with tradition.
We're happy to do it.

We know how expensive
weddings can be.

Besides, this may be
the only wedding we get to throw.

A joke that's funny in all countries.

Sir?

- What's in it?
- Goat cheese, watercress and pancetta.

That's not food.

Everything's different here.
I want to go home.

I miss my family, the coffeehouse.

I can't even remember
what Phoebe looks like!

It's been three days.

Okay, you're just homesick.

Would you just try to relax
and just enjoy yourself?

You're different here too.

You're mean in England!

What the hell?

What's up, Dad?

This bill for my half of the wedding.
It's insane.

How can it be so much?
The reception's at their house.

Flowers, liquor.
Re-carpet first floor?

New guest bath, landscaping.

I'm paying to remodel this guy's house.

I'm gonna give that son of a bitch
a piece of my mind.

Please.

I don't want anything
to upset Emily tonight.

She's had a hard enough
couple of days as it is.

Here. Let me go talk to him.

You tell him no one takes advantage
of the Gellers.

Sometimes l forget
how powerful you can be.

And l'm gonna go get drunk.

- Hello.
- Hello.

When is your next
flight to London?

There's one leaving in 30 minutes.

And l do have one seat left.

Thank you, thank you.

The last-minute fare
on this ticket is $2700.

Huh. How about 600?

- Sorry.
- How about 600 and these earrings?

They prefer it if l don't barter.

I don't think l have enough left
on my credit card.

You can split it with another card.

How about five?

Thank you.

I'm just going to need
to see your passport.

I don't have it, but l can tell you
exactly where it is on my nightstand.

You know what?
I have my driver's license.

And l have a 20.

Face it. My father is not going to pay
for the built-in barbecue.

And believe me, you can
kiss your gazebo goodbye.

I might be able
to get you the new lawn.

Then you have to give us
the lawn ornaments.

I go back there with lawn ornaments,
he'll laugh in my face.

This is ridiculous.
I mean, we had an agreement.

Will you say something, Steven?

Don't take that tone with me.

All right, you can.

Thank God!

You changed your mind.

You probably want to be alone,
you don't want to talk about it.

You're doing the right thing.

Where are you going?

What are you doing? No, wait.

Why am l always pregnant
when she does that?

I'd like to make a toast
to Ross and Emily.

My big toast is tomorrow.

This is kind of my little toast,
or Melba toast, if you will.

Okay.

I've known Ross for a long time. l knew him
when he was with his first girlfriend.

I thought things were going to work out for
him, until the day he over-inflated her.

Oh, dear God!

Hello, Waltham lnteriors.

Mrs. Waltham.

I need to speak with one of the best men
or Ross' sister, Monica.

- Who is this?
- Phoebe, one of Ross' best friends.

How did you get this number?

I got it from your maid.
She's a bitch, but l wore her down.

If you're one of Ross' best friends,
why aren't you here?

I can't fly.
I'm having my brother's babies.

Am l on the radio?

Can l talk to one of them?
It's important.

I'm bored of you now.
I'm going to cut you off.

Oh, okay, l'm going
to have to kick her ass too.

We're excited that Ross and Emily are
getting married at Montgomery Hall.

To think, my friend getting
married in Monty Hall.

Come on, Monty Hall!

Let's Make a Deal.
Come on, you people!

All right, forget it.
Congratulations, Ross and Emily.

Best man number two, Joey Tribbiani.

I'm not good with the jokes
like Chandler here.

Congratulations to the happy couple.

I first met Ross
in this coffeehouse back home.

Home.

New York City.

Where everybody knows my name.

Anyway...

l love you guys.

But not as much as l love America.

Can we please go home now?

Are you going home?

I was hoping to get
to know you better.

I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart.

I was laughing.

Out loud?

I didn't want everyone
to think l was stupid.

So how are you?

My mother's driving me crazy.
But Ross is getting married. l'm happy.

I'm not going to let anything spoil that.

I just want to say that
Ross is a wonderful young man.

Thanks. We like him.

My God! You must have been
a teenager when you had him.

There's no way in hell
l'm paying for it.

Look, we're down to just one point.

Could we please just settle it
after the wedding?

Fine, but l'm not paying
for your wine cellar...

you thieving, would-be-speaking-
German-if-it-weren't-for-us, cheap little man!

The guy was hammered. There's
no way you look like Ross' mother.

- Then why would he say it?
- Because he's crazy!

He came up to me earlier and thanked me
for my very moving performance in Titanic.

My mother's right.
I'll never get married.

You know what, that is...

Who wouldn't want you?

Please! l'm a single mom
with a 30-year-old son.

- Hi, l'm back. Listen, l need to...
- Hello.

Hello. l need to get on that 11:00 flight.

I'm afraid that plane's already
pulled away from the gate.

You're going to have to call that plane and
tell them to swing around and pick me up.

- Can't do that.
- Sure, you know what?

We'll just tell them that there was, like,
a problem with, like, the engine.

I'm afraid l'm going to have
to ask you to step aside, miss.

Look, if l don't get to London
he is gonna marry that other girl.

Can't imagine why.

All right. You know what?

I am not leaving here until
you call that plane back.

I'm getting married today!

Morning.

- I'm getting married today!
- Yeah, you are.

Do you think he knew l was here?

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

If you're going to do that
throughout the flight, tell me now...

so that l can take a sedative.

Or perhaps slip you one.

I'm sorry. l'm very sorry. Sorry.

It's just, l'm kind of excited.

I'm going to London...

to tell this guy that l love him.

Well, l've never done that with you before.

So how are you?

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah. You?

Oh, yes. Yes.

You?

We did you.

Well....

- l better get going.
- Absolutely.

Could you not look?

I don't want to look.

Where the hell have you been?

I spent the night out.
I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so...

I don't want to hear it!

Pheebs, you know you're still
my number-one girl.

No. No. We have an emergency.
Rachel's coming to London.

Great!

No, it's not great. She's coming
to tell Ross that she loves him.

But he loves Emily.

I know that!

You have to stop her.
She's going to ruin the wedding.

Okay.

- All right, so...
- Hold on, hold on.

Rachel coming.

Do...

something.

I've done my part, okay?

It's your responsibility now.
The burden is off me.

- Right?
- Right.

So tell me about this girl.

And so then l realized,
all the stuff that l had been doing...

proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about
why l couldn't come to the wedding...

- was all just a way...
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

I'm sorry, can l interrupt?

I just want to say that you are
a horrible, horrible person.

Pardon me?

You say you love this man, and yet you're
about to ruin the happiest day of his life.

I'm afraid l have to agree
with your friend Pheebs.

This is a terrible, terrible plan.

- But he has to know how l feel.
- But why?

He loves this Emily person.
No good can come of this.

- Well, l think you're wrong.
- Oh, no.

Well, he doesn't really love her.
It's just a rebound thing from me.

- You'll see.
- Fortunately l won't.

And by the way, it seems to be
perfectly clear that you were on a break.

Do something.

Something.

- Have you seen Monica?
- I'm not seeing Monica!

- What?
- What?

We gotta find her. Rachel's coming
to tell Ross she loves him.

- Oh, my God!
- I know. Do you know where Monica is?

No. What's with the third degree?
Why not just shine a light in my eyes?

Oh, my God!

It's like a fairyland.

I know. lt's horrible, isn't it?

I love it. l only hope
my wedding looks this good.

- I just hope...
- You can let some of them go by.

Start looking out for Rachel.

I'll cover the front door.
You watch that big hole.

And l got Chandler covering Ross.

Why would l care where Chandler is?

You know...

sometimes l don't even
like Chandler.

Okay.

I do.

I do.

I do.

- You're right. lt's the second one.
- Right?

Hello, Joey.

Hey, Felicity.

I thought about you all day.

Talk New York to me again.

Forget about it.

How you doing?

There's nothing to discuss.
We're not paying for your wine cellar.

You have to meet me in the middle here.

My foot's gonna meet
the middle of your ass.

- What's going on?
- Everything's under control.

You want a piece of me, sir?
Is that what you're saying?

That's it! Parents! Parents!
Back away!

This is our wedding day!

From now on, everyone gets along.

And if l hear one more word...

no grandchildren! That's right!

- Okay, okay.
- Sorry, old boy.

I could kill you
with my thumb, you know.

What was all that about?

It was this disagreement over...

My God! You look beautiful.

You're not meant to see me
before the wedding. lt's bad luck.

I think we've had all the bad luck
we're going to have.

My God, Rachel!

You're here. l can't believe it.

What happened? Why are you here?

I just came to...

I just needed to tell you...

congratulations.

Hello, Waltham lnteriors.

Mrs. Waltham? lt's Phoebe.

Why?

Can l talk to one of the best men?
This is going to be the last time.

There's a girl on the phone for you.

Great!

It's Phoebe.

Did you stop Rachel?

No, but it's okay. She just came in
and gave him a hug. That's it.

- Nothing got ruined?
- No.

That's so great!

So, what's going on now?

I'm walking down the aisle.

Still walking.

I'm about to pass the bridesmaid
l hooked up with last night.

Hey.

I just told her "hey."

l'm at the front with Ross.

It's Phoebe!

He looks pretty mad.

I better go.

Wait! Hold it up so l can listen.

- What we did last night was...
- Stupid.

Totally crazy, stupid.

What were we thinking?

I'm coming over
tonight though, right?

Definitely.

Friends, family...

we are gathered to celebrate...

the joyous union
of Ross and Emily.

May the happiness of today...

be with them always.

Now, Emily, repeat after me.

- I, Emily...
- l, Emily...

- take thee, Ross...
- take thee, Ross....

as my lawfully wedded husband,
in sickness and in health...

till death parts us.

As my lawfully wedded husband,
in sickness and in health...

until death parts us.

Now, Ross.

Repeat after me.

I, Ross...

l, Ross...

take thee, Emily...

take thee, Rachel...

Emily.

Emily.

Shall l go on?

"Mother, Mother, Pizza,
Pizza," take one.

Oh, the band's ready?
We gotta do what the band says, right?

I don't care about the stupid band!

- Well, it's getting late.
- Here we go.

Actually, you guys mind staying here
with me for a while?

You know, we gotta get up early
and catch the plane to New York.

Yeah, it's a very large plane.

Why, what's the matter?