Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 2 - The One with the Cat - full transcript
Phoebe becomes convinced that the spirit of her dead mother is inside a cat. Chandler and Joey are robbed. Monica goes on a date with a guy from her high school.
Wow. That ripped.
That ripped real nice!
How many times do I have to tell you?
You turn and slide.
Turn and slide.
You don't turn and slide.
You throw it out!
I get tetanus shots
every time I get dressed!
We're not throwing it out.
I built it with my own hands!
How about we sell it?
All right.
But you'll have to tell them.
Can we stick you in another cabinet?
They seem all right with it!
The One with the Cat
Hey, why did the chicken
fall out of the tree?
Why?
Because you have
doody on your head.
Yeah, it was funnier
when Ben told it.
Hey, Monica. It's Chip.
Who's Chip?
It was good running
into you today.
My number is 555-9323.
Give me a call.
"Chip" is Chip Matthews.
The guy who took Rachel to the prom?
Why's he calling you?
Because I ran into him at the bank.
He is still so cute.
You're so lucky! He's like
the most popular guy in school!
I know!
Chip? Hi, it's Monica.
Oh, my God!
We just had the best conversation!
I was just leaving.
Good.
I've got a report to read.
It's eight pages.
I hope I don't fall asleep.
Why? Did you write it?
Look at that!
Chip Matthews called.
I wonder what he wants.
Well, actually....
I bet he sensed that I was ready
to have sex with another guy.
Why don't you give him a call?
- Are you sure you want to hear this?
- I'm sure.
Chip! Hi, it's Rachel.
Rachel Greene.
You left me a message?
Yes, you did.
My roommate wrote it down.
Monica Geller?
Oh, that's right!
He called to ask out Monica.
That's got to be embarrassing.
Dumb drunken bitch
Thank you!
Here's a question.
Where'd you get the "finest oak
east of the Mississippi"?
First tell us where you got
the prettiest lace in the land.
It's your ad.
Looks good?
"Stunning entertainment center, fine
Fine ltalian craftsmanship."
You're selling
the entertainment center?
Why? I love it.
- You want it?
- No.
Gepetto?
Five thousand dollars?
Are you insane?
The ad alone cost $300.
I'm changing it
to $50 or your best offer.
What kind of profit is that?
And you call yourself an accountant?
What do you do?
I can't believe you don't know.
I actually don't know.
Oh, my God, no! Shoo, kitty!
There's a kitty
in my guitar case.
Everyone's gonna want one.
Come on, you!
Crazy!
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Nothing.
What's wrong?
I just have this really strong feeling
that this cat is my mother.
The mom you met in Montauk?
She was a cat?
That makes the fact that she owns beach-front
property all the more impressive.
No. She was a human lady.
This is the spirit of my mom, Lilly.
The one that killed herself.
Have you been taking your grandmother's
glaucoma medicine again?
No, Dr. Skeptismo.
I'm sure.
First of all, there's the feeling.
And for another,
she went into my guitar case...
which is lined with orange felt.
My mother's favorite fish
was orange roughy.
Cats like fish.
You had me with orange felt.
Hi, Mommy!
I haven't seen
this smile in 17 years.
- Phoebe's mom's got a huge pair of
- Let it go!
When were you going to tell me
that you're dating Chip?
Now?
Can I go out with him?
No. I can't believe you'd want to
after what he did to me.
That thing at the prom?
I couldn't find him for hours!
He was having sex with Amy Welsh!
That was in high school.
How can it still bother you?
Oh, yeah, you're right, Moni-cow.
Okay, I hear you.
Why do you have
to go out with Chip?
We went to different schools.
We went to the same school.
You went to one where you were popular.
You rode on Chip's motorcycle
and wore his letterman jacket.
I went to one where I wore a band
uniform that was specially made.
They had that specially made?
It was a Home Ec project.
Oh, my God! They said
it was for the mascot.
Back then I thought that I'd never
get to go out with a Chip Matthews.
Now he's called me up
and asked me out.
The fat girl inside me really
wants to go. I owe her this.
I never let her eat.
- You go out with him.
- Really?
If possible, could you leave him
and have sex with another guy?
I'll try.
Any luck getting rid of
the entertainment center?
There were a couple calls,
but they won't work out.
Joey has a very careful
screening process.
Not everyone is qualified
to own wood and nails.
Stop it!
She keeps trying to get away.
Just like when she was alive.
How long is your mom
going to be with us?
I'm not sure.
I guess until she gets used to
the fact that there's...
a new mom.
Now she's worried
that she'll be replaced.
That's not going to happen, is it?
I have to go make a call.
Why not use this phone?
I'm returning a call from
a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H.
I just spelled the wrong word.
Anyway, I don't want to do it
in front of someone with a tail.
Hey, you swore you
would never tell.
So am I crazy, or does Phoebe's mom
remind anyone else of a cat?
Ross, don't start.
You actually believe
there's a woman inside that cat?
I believe it.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you
You know what?
You won't suck me into this.
Sure I will.
Because you always have to be right.
I do not always have Okay, okay.
Jurassic Park could happen.
And you know what? Actually,
I do think Kirk was smarter than Spock.
You were kidding about the
Kirk-Spock-thing, though, right?
That's pretty nice.
"Pretty nice"?
Pardon my roommate.
He wanted to marry this.
We don't have $50.
But would you trade for it?
We got a canoe.
I don't think we need a canoe.
You got to take it.
Just take the entertainment center.
Then when you get home,
throw the canoe away.
We're not throwing it away.
I built it.
Good for you!
You won't believe
what I found on a telephone pole.
Look familiar?
Apparently Phoebe's mother
also goes by the name "Julio."
Wait a minute. This is not the
same cat. This cat's only this big.
A little girl's looking for this cat.
Know what that means?
Yeah! $200 reward split five ways!
Do we have to tell her?
- Yes, we do.
- But it's made her so happy.
Little girl misses her cat.
Crazy lady thinks
her mother is in a cat.
I have to go have
dinner with my son.
Can I trust that when you see Phoebe,
you will tell her?
Thank you.
I hate when Ross is right.
He is right, isn't he?
This might be one time
when he's wrong.
- You think?
- Oh, no. He's right.
About your mom.
How's that going?
So great.
We took a nap together today.
Mom fell asleep
on my tummy and purred.
That's so sweet.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
What'd you say, Joe?
I'll be right there.
I just feel so....
- All right!
- I'm coming already!
Not yet, not yet, not yet!
- Hello, Chip.
- How you doing?
I'm great!
Got a great job.
I have wonderful friends.
Though I'm not seeing anyone now,
I've never felt better about myself.
So, Monica ready yet?
She'll be out in a second.
So, Chip, how's Amy Welsh?
Amy Welsh?
I haven't seen her since
So, Monica about ready?
- Wow, you look great.
- Thanks.
- Well, you guys have fun.
- Catch you later.
Bye, Chip.
- Are you sure you're okay about this?
- Actually
Okay, great.
This is the unit for you.
Sturdy construction,
tons of storage.
Some big enough to fit a grown man.
- What?
- Yeah, I got in there myself once.
My roommate bet me $5 I couldn't.
Then he stuck a board
through the handles and locked me in.
It was funny till I felt
like it was a coffin.
No, you can't fit in there.
It's not deep enough.
Oh, yeah?
If I can't...
I'll knock $5 off the price.
All right, you have
yourself a deal.
See? I told you.
Sometimes I come in here
just to get away from it.
Hey, a nickel!
Here we are.
You still have the Chipper!
The what?
That's what we called
your motorcycle in high school.
A motorcycle's a chopper.
And you're Chip.
Never mind.
I think it's cute.
A lipper from Chipper.
Are you still in touch with anyone?
There's Rachel...
and that's it. How about you?
I still hang with Simens and Zana.
I see Spindler, Levine, Kelly.
I run into Goldie...
Stick, Brown, Sulkov, McGuire...
J.T., Beardsley.
Is that all?
After high school,
you kind of lose touch.
I ran into Richard Dorfman.
- How is he?
- Me and Simens gave him a wedgie.
Isn't he an architect?
They still wear underwear.
Oh, my God!
What?
Are you all right?
What happened?
Oh, man, he promised
he wouldn't take the chairs!
How were you locked in?
Where the hell is all of our stuff?
This guy came by
to look at the unit...
and he said
it won't fit a grown man.
So you got in voluntarily?
I was trying to make a sale!
If I ever run into him,
you know what I'll do?
Bend over?
And then Zana just let one rip!
Not that I don't enjoy
talking about high school...
because I do.
Maybe we can talk
about something else.
I don't know where you work.
- You know where I work.
- I do?
The movie theater.
You used to come in all the time.
Still at the Multiplex?
Like I'd give up that job!
Free popcorn and candy
anytime I want?
I can get you posters.
Thanks, I'm set.
Oh, you know who came
in the other night? Peters.
Told me he just went out with
Leslie Maskin. Got to third base.
Do you still live
with your parents?
Yeah, but I can stay out
as late as I want.
You know, with all of our stuff gone,
the unit doesn't seem that big.
Why couldn't he have been a kidnapper.
They really got you guys.
Your TV, the chairs.
Your microwave, the stereo.
Man, he took the five of spades!
No, here it is.
Oh, my God! What happened?
Joey was born, and then
28 years later, I was robbed!
So how was your date?
Well, I always wanted to go out
with Chip in high school.
Tonight, I actually went out
with Chip in high school.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Not only did I get
to go out with Chip...
I got to dump Chip.
- That's so great!
- I know.
What did the insurance company say?
They said, "You don't have insurance.
Stop calling us."
You didn't tell her?
Okay, fine.
Listen...
this cat belongs to a little girl.
There are flyers all over the place.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
We can take her
back with you if you want.
But, you know, she chose to find me.
I have to respect her decision, right?
- That's a good call.
- That's right.
Enough is enough.
I'm sorry you feel guilty about
spending time with your new mom.
But this isn't your old mom.
This is a cat.
Julio the cat.
Not Mom! Cat.
Ross, how many parents have you lost?
None.
Then you don't know how it feels
when one of them comes back.
I believe this is my mother.
Even if I'm wrong, who cares?
Just be a friend, okay?
Be supportive.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I don't know what to say.
You could say...
you're sorry to her mom.
I think she would like that.
Come here. Here, come here.
Mrs. Buffay?
Sorry about what I said.
It was insensitive of me to say...
that you were just a cat...
when, clearly, you are also...
the reincarnated spirit...
of my friend's mother.
Thank you.
We both forgive you.
What will you do about
the little girl?
Listen.
Mom, I hope you know
you still mean a lot to me.
You're welcome
to come back anytime.
If she'd come back as a couch,
we'd really appreciate it.
Come on. I'll take you home.
- I'll go with you.
- Me too.
I got an extra futon.
Dude, you don't have to brag.
We got nothing here.
You know....
It's peaceful out here.
That ripped real nice!
How many times do I have to tell you?
You turn and slide.
Turn and slide.
You don't turn and slide.
You throw it out!
I get tetanus shots
every time I get dressed!
We're not throwing it out.
I built it with my own hands!
How about we sell it?
All right.
But you'll have to tell them.
Can we stick you in another cabinet?
They seem all right with it!
The One with the Cat
Hey, why did the chicken
fall out of the tree?
Why?
Because you have
doody on your head.
Yeah, it was funnier
when Ben told it.
Hey, Monica. It's Chip.
Who's Chip?
It was good running
into you today.
My number is 555-9323.
Give me a call.
"Chip" is Chip Matthews.
The guy who took Rachel to the prom?
Why's he calling you?
Because I ran into him at the bank.
He is still so cute.
You're so lucky! He's like
the most popular guy in school!
I know!
Chip? Hi, it's Monica.
Oh, my God!
We just had the best conversation!
I was just leaving.
Good.
I've got a report to read.
It's eight pages.
I hope I don't fall asleep.
Why? Did you write it?
Look at that!
Chip Matthews called.
I wonder what he wants.
Well, actually....
I bet he sensed that I was ready
to have sex with another guy.
Why don't you give him a call?
- Are you sure you want to hear this?
- I'm sure.
Chip! Hi, it's Rachel.
Rachel Greene.
You left me a message?
Yes, you did.
My roommate wrote it down.
Monica Geller?
Oh, that's right!
He called to ask out Monica.
That's got to be embarrassing.
Dumb drunken bitch
Thank you!
Here's a question.
Where'd you get the "finest oak
east of the Mississippi"?
First tell us where you got
the prettiest lace in the land.
It's your ad.
Looks good?
"Stunning entertainment center, fine
Fine ltalian craftsmanship."
You're selling
the entertainment center?
Why? I love it.
- You want it?
- No.
Gepetto?
Five thousand dollars?
Are you insane?
The ad alone cost $300.
I'm changing it
to $50 or your best offer.
What kind of profit is that?
And you call yourself an accountant?
What do you do?
I can't believe you don't know.
I actually don't know.
Oh, my God, no! Shoo, kitty!
There's a kitty
in my guitar case.
Everyone's gonna want one.
Come on, you!
Crazy!
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Nothing.
What's wrong?
I just have this really strong feeling
that this cat is my mother.
The mom you met in Montauk?
She was a cat?
That makes the fact that she owns beach-front
property all the more impressive.
No. She was a human lady.
This is the spirit of my mom, Lilly.
The one that killed herself.
Have you been taking your grandmother's
glaucoma medicine again?
No, Dr. Skeptismo.
I'm sure.
First of all, there's the feeling.
And for another,
she went into my guitar case...
which is lined with orange felt.
My mother's favorite fish
was orange roughy.
Cats like fish.
You had me with orange felt.
Hi, Mommy!
I haven't seen
this smile in 17 years.
- Phoebe's mom's got a huge pair of
- Let it go!
When were you going to tell me
that you're dating Chip?
Now?
Can I go out with him?
No. I can't believe you'd want to
after what he did to me.
That thing at the prom?
I couldn't find him for hours!
He was having sex with Amy Welsh!
That was in high school.
How can it still bother you?
Oh, yeah, you're right, Moni-cow.
Okay, I hear you.
Why do you have
to go out with Chip?
We went to different schools.
We went to the same school.
You went to one where you were popular.
You rode on Chip's motorcycle
and wore his letterman jacket.
I went to one where I wore a band
uniform that was specially made.
They had that specially made?
It was a Home Ec project.
Oh, my God! They said
it was for the mascot.
Back then I thought that I'd never
get to go out with a Chip Matthews.
Now he's called me up
and asked me out.
The fat girl inside me really
wants to go. I owe her this.
I never let her eat.
- You go out with him.
- Really?
If possible, could you leave him
and have sex with another guy?
I'll try.
Any luck getting rid of
the entertainment center?
There were a couple calls,
but they won't work out.
Joey has a very careful
screening process.
Not everyone is qualified
to own wood and nails.
Stop it!
She keeps trying to get away.
Just like when she was alive.
How long is your mom
going to be with us?
I'm not sure.
I guess until she gets used to
the fact that there's...
a new mom.
Now she's worried
that she'll be replaced.
That's not going to happen, is it?
I have to go make a call.
Why not use this phone?
I'm returning a call from
a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H.
I just spelled the wrong word.
Anyway, I don't want to do it
in front of someone with a tail.
Hey, you swore you
would never tell.
So am I crazy, or does Phoebe's mom
remind anyone else of a cat?
Ross, don't start.
You actually believe
there's a woman inside that cat?
I believe it.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you
You know what?
You won't suck me into this.
Sure I will.
Because you always have to be right.
I do not always have Okay, okay.
Jurassic Park could happen.
And you know what? Actually,
I do think Kirk was smarter than Spock.
You were kidding about the
Kirk-Spock-thing, though, right?
That's pretty nice.
"Pretty nice"?
Pardon my roommate.
He wanted to marry this.
We don't have $50.
But would you trade for it?
We got a canoe.
I don't think we need a canoe.
You got to take it.
Just take the entertainment center.
Then when you get home,
throw the canoe away.
We're not throwing it away.
I built it.
Good for you!
You won't believe
what I found on a telephone pole.
Look familiar?
Apparently Phoebe's mother
also goes by the name "Julio."
Wait a minute. This is not the
same cat. This cat's only this big.
A little girl's looking for this cat.
Know what that means?
Yeah! $200 reward split five ways!
Do we have to tell her?
- Yes, we do.
- But it's made her so happy.
Little girl misses her cat.
Crazy lady thinks
her mother is in a cat.
I have to go have
dinner with my son.
Can I trust that when you see Phoebe,
you will tell her?
Thank you.
I hate when Ross is right.
He is right, isn't he?
This might be one time
when he's wrong.
- You think?
- Oh, no. He's right.
About your mom.
How's that going?
So great.
We took a nap together today.
Mom fell asleep
on my tummy and purred.
That's so sweet.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
What'd you say, Joe?
I'll be right there.
I just feel so....
- All right!
- I'm coming already!
Not yet, not yet, not yet!
- Hello, Chip.
- How you doing?
I'm great!
Got a great job.
I have wonderful friends.
Though I'm not seeing anyone now,
I've never felt better about myself.
So, Monica ready yet?
She'll be out in a second.
So, Chip, how's Amy Welsh?
Amy Welsh?
I haven't seen her since
So, Monica about ready?
- Wow, you look great.
- Thanks.
- Well, you guys have fun.
- Catch you later.
Bye, Chip.
- Are you sure you're okay about this?
- Actually
Okay, great.
This is the unit for you.
Sturdy construction,
tons of storage.
Some big enough to fit a grown man.
- What?
- Yeah, I got in there myself once.
My roommate bet me $5 I couldn't.
Then he stuck a board
through the handles and locked me in.
It was funny till I felt
like it was a coffin.
No, you can't fit in there.
It's not deep enough.
Oh, yeah?
If I can't...
I'll knock $5 off the price.
All right, you have
yourself a deal.
See? I told you.
Sometimes I come in here
just to get away from it.
Hey, a nickel!
Here we are.
You still have the Chipper!
The what?
That's what we called
your motorcycle in high school.
A motorcycle's a chopper.
And you're Chip.
Never mind.
I think it's cute.
A lipper from Chipper.
Are you still in touch with anyone?
There's Rachel...
and that's it. How about you?
I still hang with Simens and Zana.
I see Spindler, Levine, Kelly.
I run into Goldie...
Stick, Brown, Sulkov, McGuire...
J.T., Beardsley.
Is that all?
After high school,
you kind of lose touch.
I ran into Richard Dorfman.
- How is he?
- Me and Simens gave him a wedgie.
Isn't he an architect?
They still wear underwear.
Oh, my God!
What?
Are you all right?
What happened?
Oh, man, he promised
he wouldn't take the chairs!
How were you locked in?
Where the hell is all of our stuff?
This guy came by
to look at the unit...
and he said
it won't fit a grown man.
So you got in voluntarily?
I was trying to make a sale!
If I ever run into him,
you know what I'll do?
Bend over?
And then Zana just let one rip!
Not that I don't enjoy
talking about high school...
because I do.
Maybe we can talk
about something else.
I don't know where you work.
- You know where I work.
- I do?
The movie theater.
You used to come in all the time.
Still at the Multiplex?
Like I'd give up that job!
Free popcorn and candy
anytime I want?
I can get you posters.
Thanks, I'm set.
Oh, you know who came
in the other night? Peters.
Told me he just went out with
Leslie Maskin. Got to third base.
Do you still live
with your parents?
Yeah, but I can stay out
as late as I want.
You know, with all of our stuff gone,
the unit doesn't seem that big.
Why couldn't he have been a kidnapper.
They really got you guys.
Your TV, the chairs.
Your microwave, the stereo.
Man, he took the five of spades!
No, here it is.
Oh, my God! What happened?
Joey was born, and then
28 years later, I was robbed!
So how was your date?
Well, I always wanted to go out
with Chip in high school.
Tonight, I actually went out
with Chip in high school.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Not only did I get
to go out with Chip...
I got to dump Chip.
- That's so great!
- I know.
What did the insurance company say?
They said, "You don't have insurance.
Stop calling us."
You didn't tell her?
Okay, fine.
Listen...
this cat belongs to a little girl.
There are flyers all over the place.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
We can take her
back with you if you want.
But, you know, she chose to find me.
I have to respect her decision, right?
- That's a good call.
- That's right.
Enough is enough.
I'm sorry you feel guilty about
spending time with your new mom.
But this isn't your old mom.
This is a cat.
Julio the cat.
Not Mom! Cat.
Ross, how many parents have you lost?
None.
Then you don't know how it feels
when one of them comes back.
I believe this is my mother.
Even if I'm wrong, who cares?
Just be a friend, okay?
Be supportive.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I don't know what to say.
You could say...
you're sorry to her mom.
I think she would like that.
Come here. Here, come here.
Mrs. Buffay?
Sorry about what I said.
It was insensitive of me to say...
that you were just a cat...
when, clearly, you are also...
the reincarnated spirit...
of my friend's mother.
Thank you.
We both forgive you.
What will you do about
the little girl?
Listen.
Mom, I hope you know
you still mean a lot to me.
You're welcome
to come back anytime.
If she'd come back as a couch,
we'd really appreciate it.
Come on. I'll take you home.
- I'll go with you.
- Me too.
I got an extra futon.
Dude, you don't have to brag.
We got nothing here.
You know....
It's peaceful out here.