Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 14 - The One with Joey's Dirty Day - full transcript

So, now, what is this, now?
- Googlie Worm. - Ha-ha-ha.
And this?
Glow Pop Jiggly Jam.
[LAUGHS]
Bait is so funny.
Hey, um, what's this?
Oh, a hunk of sandwich from last year.
Oh, Geller's got one hooked. Oh! Looks like a big one. Oh! Oh!
It's the classic struggle between man...
Someone knocked over a lamp.
Hey, you know what's gonna be great about the fishing trip?
When my dad gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff...
...I can say, "Well, I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston, Dad.
- What are you doing with your life?" - Aw.
You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here.
Kathy didn't cheat on all of you.
Well, except you.
I don't think you should leave Chandler alone.
It's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy.
You can go fishing next week.
There's nothing I can do right now. He's still in his sweatpants.
That's only phase one.
You know? I'll be back for phase two. I would never miss phase two.
What's phase two?
Getting drunk and going to a strip club.
How does going to a strip club make him better?
There are naked ladies there.
It helps him get to phase three, picturing yourself with other women.
- There are naked ladies there too. - Yeah.
Would you give me one minute, please?
So these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?
RACHEL: Mm-hm.
There we go.
There it is.
- Oh, you know what I need? - Yeah?
- Gloves. Brown leather dress gloves. - Oh, okay.
Uh, well, let's see. You're about a... Well, this one is large. Ha, ha.
And, uh, this one...
- Also a large? - Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah. - Two larges coming right up. Ha, ha.
[SIGHS]
- Rachel, could I have a moment? RACHEL: Yes.
I was wondering, my niece, you see, is in town from London.
- Uh-huh. - Shropshire, really, but you know.
She's about your age, I'd say.
Anyway, I have tickets for the opera. Die Fledermaus.
I was wondering if you would keep her company this evening.
- Sure. You got it. WALTHAM: Oh, good.
Count me in. Me, Fledermaus. Great. I really...
Oh, yes, of course. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so very much.
So?
So...
- Gloves? - Oh, right. Sorry, I'll be right back.
JOSHUA: Actually, you know what? I gotta take off.
But I was curious, do you have any plans for tonight?
No, nothing.
I invested in this nightclub. Would you like to come?
Yeah, that would be great.
You're into hard-core S and M, right?
- [STAMMERS] Well, I guess. - I'm kidding.
Oh. Ha-ha-ha. Whew.
I'm gonna put you on the VIP list, okay? Look for me.
- Yeah. Great. You betcha. - I'll see you tonight.
RACHEL: Okay. - Okay.
- I almost forgot the tickets, didn't I? - What?
For you and Emily. Tonight. Die Fledermaus.
Oh. Oh, right.
I think you'll like it. It has two of the Three Tenors.
Okay.
I can't believe Kathy did this to me. I really thought that she was the one.
Well, I'll tell you what.
From now on, I am not getting out of this chair, ever.
Okay? From now on, this chair is the one.
You know what else is the one? My sweatpants.
Come on, man, just take the sweats off, okay?
Just take them off and we'll have some fun.
- Hey. ROSS & MONICA: Hi.
- Did you catch any big fish? - Oh, my God, you guys have no idea.
PHOEBE: Oh, wow. - Oh, my God, you stink.
Oh, are you kidding?
Three days on the lake without a shower.
Plus, I fell into that big tub of worms at the bait stand.
Hey, how's he doing?
He hasn't gotten out of that chair in two days.
Ahem. Hey, buddy, how's it going?
[CHUCKLES]
You see that? He just needed his pal to come home.
I gotta go memorize my lines.
Me and Charlton Heston, bright and early tomorrow, baby.
- Yeah. ROSS: Yeah.
- Hey. ROSS: Hey.
PHOEBE: Hey. - Hey, Monica.
- Uh-oh. What's the matter? - Oh...
Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight.
[SIGHS]
But I already told Mr. Waltham...
...that I would take his niece to the dumb old opera.
So, what are you gonna do?
- I don't know, sweetie. - No. Help me.
- I can't. I have to work. - Phoebe?
I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.
[SIGHS]
Ooh, no, unless she wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.
Ugh. Gosh, you guys, come on. This is... I have to meet Joshua.
This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel.
You know, the "Wouldn't it be great if she were my wife?" Rachel.
[MUTTERS]
Are Joey and Chandler back?
Oh, Chandler's still in phase one, and Joey's that thing you smell.
Oh.
Hi.
So?
No.
Oh, come on.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- I think she's here. - No, wait, wait, wait. Ross, please?
You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera...
...so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy?
Hmm. Yeah, that is a toughie.
Oh, she's looking down the hall.
[GASPS]
She looked right at me.
Oh, wait, you can't see people through that little hole, can you?
Hello.
WOMAN: Hello? - Aah!
Oh, I'll be right there. Okay, Ross, please. Come on.
I thought we had moved on.
I thought we'd gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other.
I mean, was that just me?
- All right, I'll do it. - Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Emily? - Yes.
- I'm Rachel Green. - Thank goodness.
There has been a teeny change of plans. It turns out I'm not free tonight, so...
Really? Heh.
That's lovely. I must have missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day.
- Well, no, I... - No, no, no, that's not rude.
It's in keeping with a trip...
...where I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts...
...and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport.
Apparently, I look like someone...
...who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
I think you look great.
Good night. It was very nice to meet you all.
I'll get her.
- Please hurry. - Okay.
Don't you just love the way they talk?
"Ooh. Oh."
Oh!
- What? - It kicked. I think the baby kicked.
- Oh, my God. - Ha, ha.
Oh, no, wait. Oh. That was the elastic in my underwear busted.
Oh, my God. I overslept.
I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago. I gotta get out of here.
What? Joey, you can't go like that. You stink.
I fell asleep before I could shower. Now I don't have time.
They're 10 blocks away. If I run, I can make it.
Yeah, run 10 blocks. That'll help the smell.
Hey. Whoa! Slow down. No, keep moving. Whoa.
- So how did it go with Joshua last night? - Oh. Well, I didn't see Joshua.
But I did punch a girl in the face.
- What? - Why?
The whole night was horrible. It was pouring rain.
And there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.
Oh. So did you get to meet her?
No, there is no Rachel Greep. But then this other girl overheard us.
And she was all, "I'm Rachel Greep, I'm Rachel Greep," and he let her in.
- So you hit her in the face? - No, she was already in.
But then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella...
...so I clocked her.
Ugh. I can't believe this.
All I wanted was just a few hours outside of work to see Joshua...
...so that he could go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Aw. Pheebs.
Honey, that's your name.
That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's what we called each other.
MONICA: Hey, you're wearing pants. - That's right.
Where are the guys? I'm ready to get drunk and see strippers.
- It's 9:30 in the morning. - They got a breakfast buffet.
[PHONE RINGS]
- Hello? Oh, hey, Ross. - Ooh. Let me talk to him.
Oh, my God.
- Can't I just...? - Shh. Wait, what?
- It's my phone and she's shush... - Shh. Please.
What's he saying?
He's with Emily at a bed and breakfast in Vermont.
What? Oh, my God.
Who the hell is Emily? No.
They're in Vermont? How did this happen?
Ow.
How did he end up in Vermont with that awful witch?
Maybe she doesn't hit him all the time.
ROSS [OVER PHONE]: When we met her...
...she was soaking, her feet were wet.
Who wouldn't be miserable?
Once I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.
Ross, come quickly. There's a deer outside eating fruit from the orchard.
I gotta go! There's a deer outside eating fruit from the orchard!
He had to go. There was a deer outside eating fruit from the orchard.
I don't get this. She was horrible.
Okay, I'm gonna go stand over there.
- Why do you care so much, anyway? - I don't care.
You know what? I'm just upset that I'm getting nowhere with Joshua.
Know what? Still, you do not just meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont.
Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.
Ugh. You know, could you just for once not remember every little thing?
So, you know, when's he getting back?
- A couple of days. - Know what?
I knew something like this was gonna happen.
What are you doing?
Chandler. You can't just go back a phase.
Yes, you can. You're thinking about time. You can't go back in time.
Why don't you just...? Why don't you do your phase-two strip-club thing with us?
- Yeah, come on, we can be guys. - Heh. No, you can't.
Come on, let us be guys. Maybe we wanna be guys.
You don't wanna be guys.
You'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.
You know, you...
Would you just stop being such a wuss and get those off?
And you come with us and watch naked girls dance around.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Joey Tribbiani. I'm here, I'm here.
Calm down, we got time. We're running a little late.
Oh.
All set.
Look at that. Charlton Heston eating a licorice whip.
Yeah, he loves them. I've never seen him with...
[SNIFFING]
Whoa. Yeah. What the hell is that? What smells so bad?
- You. - Oh.
I could see why you would think that. But actually, you know who I think it is?
- You? - No, no. It's Heston.
- What? - The man reeks.
Smells like he went on a three-day fishing trip and then ate licorice. Ick.
There's no way he smells.
He's the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.
Really? A shower, huh? And, uh, which room might that be?
The one with "Heston" on it.
Interesting.
[DEPECHE MODE'S "IT'S NO GOOD" PLAYING]
Gonna take my time
Hey. I got some ones. You wanna put them in her panties?
No, thanks, Mom.
Oh. No. Um, hi. That, that.
You have to put that out because I'm pregnant, so...
Well, maybe you and your baby ought to go to another strip club.
Heh, heh. It's not my baby. Heh, heh.
Very good. Yes. That was so good.
Really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.
Well, I just checked our messages, and Joshua didn't call.
I mean, you would think he'd be worried about me not showing up.
Ugh. And you know what makes it worse? Ross is all happy in Vermont.
Come on, look where you are.
- Another round of daiquiris. - Remember, virgin for me, please.
Oh, and don't let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy.
Oh, come on.
You know what? I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy.
- Well, if you think it'll help. - No. That was a test.
In a couple hours, I'm gonna get drunk and wanna call Kathy...
...and you have to stop me.
Then I'm gonna be so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice.
- You should. How is she? - Oh!
I think somebody needs another lap dance.
[MIMICS GUNSHOT THEN BLOOD SPLASHING]
[WATER RUNNING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hello? Who's in there?
How you doing?
Who in the hell are you?
Uh, guess you wouldn't believe me if I said I was Kirk Douglas, huh?
Put some pants on, kid, so I can kick your butt.
No, no, no, wait. You don't understand.
See, I'm an actor.
Joey Tribbiani. I'm doing a scene with you today.
And, well, I stink.
- You're in this picture? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm one of the cops who won't work with you because you're a loose cannon.
Anyway, look, I'm really sorry, but I just... I stink.
- Joey, right? - Yeah.
Every actor, one time or another... Ah.
Every actor thinks he stinks.
Even Laurence Olivier sometimes thought he stank.
- Bob Redford won't even watch himself. - No, no, no, you don't understand.
- Listen to me. - No... Yeah.
I don't know one actor worth his salt...
...who one time in his career didn't say, "God, I stink."
Hell, I just did a scene out there. First take, I stunk the place up.
But the important thing that you must remember...
...no matter how badly you think you stink...
...you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower.
Do you understand me?
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'm very sorry. - Wait a minute.
- Take your pants. - Yeah. Oh, yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
- So we did okay at the strip club, right? - Oh, yeah. That was great.
Thanks to you, the hottest waitress there is quitting...
...to teach the third grade.
I can't believe it. He still hasn't called.
- Who, Josh? - It's "Joshua."
- What, he doesn't like "Josh"? - No, I don't.
All right. Well, I'm gonna put my sweats back on.
No, wait. You know what? You were right.
We really weren't great at being guys. But do you know why?
Because we're girls.
- Yeah. - Do you know what girls are good at?
Stripping.
No, listening. Sit.
You know, maybe it would really, really help if you would just talk.
Yeah, come on. What's going on in there?
MONICA: Yeah.
And you know, if you wanna cry, that's okay too.
Okay, look, I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.
Come on, Chandler.
Look, forget it. We tried, but phase three is a lost cause.
Those strippers were insanely hot...
...and I couldn't picture myself with any of them.
- They really were pretty, weren't they? RACHEL & PHOEBE: Oh.
- I really liked that fighter pilot one. MONICA: Oh, Candy?
- Oh, she was so spunky. - Yeah.
You know, I think if I were gonna be with a woman...
...it'd be with someone like Michelle.
She was... Oh, she was just so petite.
See, I don't know. For me, it would have to be Chantal.
- Oh, Chantal, yeah. - Chantal.
RACHEL: You know? Oh, my God. The... Oh.
She had the smoothest skin.
I mean, when I stuck that dollar bill in her G-string and grazed her thigh...
Phase three!
I just achieved phase three!
Really?
I am totally picturing you with all those women.
- That's not phase three. - Well, I'm there too.
- Well, are we all together in a group? - Stop it, you're killing me.
I think I just moved on to phase four.
- Oh, what is that? - Where I don't want a relationship ever.
I just wanna have sex with strippers and my friends.
Come on. Let me see that smile.
I don't wanna.
Please?
I wanted to go to the strip club.
You're gonna have plenty of chances, okay?
There are thousands of women out there who are just waiting to screw me over.
Yeah, all right.
MONICA: Hey. - Hey.
Hey. Ooh, how was Vermont?
Emily is incredible.
I mean, there are no words to describe her.
The whole weekend was like a dream.
- Oh. And you. Rach. Hey. - Oh, hey.
- You were so right. - What?
What you said about us finally being in a place...
...where we could really be happy for each other.
- Hmm. - I mean, I...
- I admit, I wasn't quite there. - Mm-hm.
You know, I mean, the thought of you and that Josh guy...
- "Joshua." - Joshua guy at that club...
...dancing, having a good time.
And the thought of it kind of...
- You know? - Yeah.
But now, but now, I'm totally there.
I'm finally where you are.
Oh, thank goodness.
Yeah, and thank you for Emily.
Oh, no problem. I'm so glad I could help, you know?
I'm happy for you.
Happy for you.
Oh, no, happy for you.
All right, ladies, here's what we're gonna do.
You are gonna take off my clothes.
You two go get the oils.
And you constantly scream at the top of your voice:
"Chandler's the king! Chandler's the king!"
No, I wanna be with her. I like her.
Oh, that's fine. Go with your instincts. Go with your instincts.
Wait, what am I doing again?
Would you please pay attention? I could wake up at any moment.
Hi, I'm Joshua. I'm here to pick up Rachel.
No, no, no, that's not Joshua.
What do you want from me? I never met the guy.
So anyway, Rachel, I'm sorry you can't stay. The rest of us have a lot of work to do.
What are you doing?
All right, listen, I gotta wake up.
[English - US - SDH]