Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 13 - The One with Rachel's Crush - full transcript

Okay, she is the star of the play,
and she is my girlfriend.

I get to have sex
with the star of the play.

- People can hear you.
- I know.

- Wow, she looks great, doesn't she?
- Mm.

- Hi.
- Hi.

That is one good-looking man.

Is it just me, or can you actually
see his abs through his overcoat?

So, you been doing this long?

No. You're my first.
Put the money on the table.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, that's nice.



Dude.

- Is that an expensive blouse?
- If you want it to be.

Here's your girlfriend's button.

Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have, like, your
old blouses and dresses from high school?

Yeah, I think I have some
around here somewhere. Why?

Well, it's just maternity clothes
are so expensive.

Hey, Rach, I made a pile
of your stuff on this side of your room.

- If you could just...
- Ugh!

Throw your purses at it.

Bloomingdale's eliminated
my department.

- Oh, my God. Are you out of a job?
- No, they stuck me in Personal Shopping...

...which is just a huge step down.

Personal Shopping, what is that?

Like where you walk around
with snooty rich people...



...and tell them what to buy?

- Uh-huh.
- That sounds great.

Hey.

Um, excuse me, we switched apartments.

You can't eat our food anymore.
That gravy train has ended.

There's gravy?

If you have the big apartment, then deal
with people coming over all the time.

That fridge has got to be stocked, okay?
That's your apartment now.

- What are you doing?
- I think I left a doughnut up here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, how was Kathy's play?

Well, Kathy gets half-naked
and simulates sex...

...with a real good-looking guy.

Yeah, it was like somebody
wrote down my worst nightmare...

...and then charged me $32 to see it.

That's a good idea for a business.

I'm totally screwed, okay? They're gonna be
hot and heavy on-stage every night...

...and then they're gonna go to their
cast parties, and he's gonna undermine me.

You know, he'll be like, "So where's your
boyfriend? What's his name, Chester?"

And she'll go, "No, no, no. It's Chandler. "
He'll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha. "

That is a good trick.

All right, look, look.
What am I gonna do?

Chandler, look, they're actors.
They're there to do a job.

Just because they work together
doesn't mean they'll get together.

Just because it happened
with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins...

...doesn't mean it's gonna happen
with them.

Oh, oh. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

- Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
- Yeah.

Okay, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.

They're not a couple.

Oh, okay, I get the game now.

Okay, look, look.
Let me ask you a question.

When they were doing it on-stage,
was it like really hot?

Huh. Oh, yeah.

Well, okay, so then you're fine.

Look, the rule is when two actors
are actually doing it off-stage...

...then all the sexual tension
between them is gone.

Okay? So as long as it's hot on-stage,
you got nothing to worry about.

It's when the heat goes away,
that's when you're in trouble.

Really?

You guys have been to every play
I've been in.

Have I ever had chemistry on-stage?

- No.
- No.

So, uh, man, are you gonna go see the play
with me tonight?

You know what? I don't know
how comfortable I am...

...going to see how hot the sex is
between some guy and your girlfriend.

- Yeah, I know...
- No, no, no, oh, I'm there.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mon.

- Want some pancakes?
- You made pancakes?

Yep. Grab a plate.

No, no. Stay right there.

Getting closer.

Don't worry...

...we also have cereals,
muffins, waffles...

...and jams, jellies and marmalades,
which I'm fairly certain are the same thing.

Also we're watching the game here
Saturday, if people want to come over.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.

I was having people over for the game.

Oh, yeah? Who's playing?

The players.

Somebody seems to be missing
being the hostess.

Ha, ha. Please, it's a relief,
is what it is, is what it is.

All right. Pheebs, stick out your plate.

Oh.

Monica, I'm quitting.

I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on
a thong, and she didn't even buy it.

I'm telling you, I'm quitting, that's it.
I'm talking to my boss right now.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Okay, bye.
Call me when you get this message.

Oh! Mr. Waltham?
I, uh, really need to talk to you.

In a moment, please.
I'm in the middle of a task.

And you have a customer.

- Hi.
- Hi. I'm Joshua.

Hi, I'm Rachel Green.
What can I do for you, Joshua?

Well, I need a new wardrobe. My wife...
Well, my ex-wife...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Anyway, she burned all of my clothes.

So I got away with two things: This suit
and what turned out to be a, uh, skirt. Heh.

Well, at least that's a great suit.

Yeah, it wasn't much fun dropping it off
at the dry cleaners in the skirt.

So I need everything down to underwear.

So if you're willing, I'm, uh...
I'm all yours.

Okay.

Rachel, you needed to speak to me?

No, no, that wasn't me.

Well, we should get started.
Let me show you my underwear.

The selection of underwear
that we carry.

- Oh, I'm sorry. It's this way.
- It's this way? Sorry.

Oh.

I'm right, right? There was, like,
no chemistry between them.

Before, they had heat.
And now there's no heat.

Now, you know what this means.
Joey told us what this means.

Let's not jump to any conclusions,
all right?

There was some sexual chemistry
between them.

Oh, come on.
It was like cousins having sex up there.

Here she comes. Don't say a word, okay?
Just be cool. Don't be, you know, you.

- Hey, you guys.
- Hey.

Oh, thank you so much
for coming again.

- Did you like it tonight?
- Absolutely.

Mm.

Wasn't Nick funny when
he couldn't get his match lit?

Mm!

- It's a good play, isn't it?
- Mm.

I loved the play.
Uh, yeah, you were great.

And, uh, Nick, ditto.

Clearly, you're having sex with him.

Okay.

Clearly, I'm having sex with him?

Oh, come on. It was so obvious.
There was no chemistry between you two.

Okay, let me just get this straight.

You're accusing me of cheating on you,
and you're insulting my performance?

You know,
I can see how this could happen.

You know, you're up there every night,
naked, touching, kissing.

Acting. Chandler, this is my job.

I'm playing a part in a play.
How can you not trust me?

Well, you can understand,
given how we started.

Oh, wow.

I can't believe you're throwing that
in my face.

Well, that is what happened,
and I don't even see you denying this.

I'll tell you what, Chandler.
Why don't you call me when you grow up?

Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen
any time soon.

Oh, I have the best job
in the entire world.

The most adorable guy
came over today...

...and I got to dress him up all day.

Rachel has a new doll.

Oh, I wish he was a doll. Then I could get
a Rachel doll and bump them together...

...and make kissing noises.

Oh, and he's got the most beautiful name.
I never realized. Joshua.

Oh, Joshua.

Joshua, Josh.

Uh, hello?

Hi.

Ooh, what do I smell?

I don't know, but it smells good.

- Fresh cookies. Hot from the oven.
- Ooh!

- Please have some.
- Oh, yo.

I've just been fiddling around in here,
making delicious treats for everyone.

Wow. The new Playboy.

Yeah, just something I picked up.

Cookies and porn?
You're the best mom ever.

What? What?

Nothing, it's just something Joshua said
about V-necks, but you had to be there.

How does, uh, Jason look in a V-neck?

- It's Joshua.
- Oh, whatever.

Wait. Wait. This isn't takeout.

- Well, hate to eat and run.
- No, wait, please don't go.

I've got porn for you too.

Yeah, I don't need it.

People are supposed
to want to hang out here.

Why? Honey, what is the big deal?

I'm the hostess.

Not those guys. I'm always the hostess.

I mean, even when I was little, the girls
brought their dollies to my tea party.

I served the best air.

Why did you make a whole big thing...

...out of everyone has to hang out
in the big apartment?

Because they took our apartment.
I wanted to punish them.

But I'm done now.
They've suffered enough.

If you wanted to punish them, you
should have just made them hang out here.

That's true.

All right, this place will be 10 times
better than that place.

Oh, are we gonna trash their place?

Steps.

Slut.

You'll all be very happy to hear
that Kathy is sleeping with that guy.

- What?
- So you were right?

I confronted her, and she didn't deny it.

I don't live here.

- Chandler.
- Chandler, what did she say?

Wait, are you sure?

Well, I may be drunk,
but I know what she said.

So then I went over
to Beefsteak Chewley's...

- Beefsteak Charlie's?
- Yes.

See, you and I have always been like:

Oops.

- Hey, do you need help with that?
- No, I got it.

Oh, I just feel bad. I never vacuum.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So I was with Joshua for an hour today,
and he has not asked me out.

- It's so frustrating.
- Why don't you ask him out?

Oh, yeah. Totally. That's such a turn-on.

Really? It doesn't seem desperate?

Ooh, that's the turn-on.

He just got a divorce, right? So he's
probably really nervous around women.

You know? Maybe you just need
to make the first move.

- I've never asked a guy out before.
- You've never asked a guy out?

No, have you?

Thousands of times. Ha, ha.

That doesn't make me
sound too good, does it?

I don't even know
how I would go about it.

Oh, what I do is, uh, I look a woman
up and down and I say:

"Hey.

How you doing?"

Oh, please.

Hey.

How you doing?

You know what? I'm gonna do that.

I'm gonna call him up
and I'm gonna ask him out.

- Yeah.
- I can do that. Ask him out.

"How you doing?"

Hi, Joshua?

It's Rachel Green, from Bloomingdale's.

Yeah, um, I was just wondering
if you, um...

If you, um...

Left your wallet at the store today?

Oh, well, we found a wallet, and we...

The license? Oh, that is a good idea.

Uh, well, let's see.
This license belongs to a, uh...

Uh, belongs to a Mr. Pheebs.

And, um, yeah.

So okay. So sorry to bother you at home.
I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.

- You've done that a thousand times?
- I've never done that.

Oh, God, I just got so nervous
that he was gonna say no.

Well, you gotta give him something he
can't say no to, like, uh, Knicks tickets.

Invite the guy to a Knicks game.
You're guaranteed he'll say yes.

- Really? You think that will work?
- Absolutely, and if doesn't, can I go?

- What the heck is that?
- What is that?

Did she call?

No. Sorry.

- Well, maybe I should call her.
- No.

Forget her, man. You don't need her.
Don't need that.

He's right.
What she did was unforgivable.

Well, yeah, but you know,
what if I was wrong?

How might you be wrong?

Well, you know, what if she didn't
actually sleep with the guy?

Dude, tell me she actually told you this.

She did not have to tell me.
I saw the play and there was no heat.

- Back me up here, Ross.
- That's all your basing this on?

That's not backing me up.

You said, you know,
with the off-stage and the heat...

...and the on-stage and the heat...
- Whoa, whoa.

That was just a theory. There's
a lot of theories that didn't pan out.

Lone gunman, communism, geometry.

Oh, my God.

"Would you like to go
to a basketball game with... "

"You know, it's funny, basketball,
because I happen to have tickets to... "

No. Okay. Um...

"Who likes the Knicks?"

- What do you think?
- Oh.

Well, as a single woman,
who is available...

...I think you look great.

- Huh. Yeah?
- Yup.

Oh, yeah, you look great.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, this looks great.

Um, so you like it?

I do, I do. I love it.
In fact, I think I'm gonna wear it home.

- Great.
- Well, thank you so much for all your help.

- Well, I guess, uh... I guess this is it.
- Yeah.

Thanks.

Maybe I'll see you in the spring
with the... For the bathing suits.

You don't want to do that now?

Oh, that's okay.

Anyway,
hopefully I'll see you around sometime.

Basketball.

Sorry?

I, uh...

I have two tickets to the Knicks game
tonight if you're interested...

...just as a thank-you for this week.

Wow. That would be great.

- Really?
- Yeah, That would be fantastic.

My nephew is crazy about the Knicks.

This is fantastic.
Thank you so much, Rachel.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just wanted to come over
to say that I'm sorry.

You know, I acted like the biggest idiot
in the world.

And I can completely understand
why you were so upset.

Oh, wow.

I really wish you'd called me.

Yeah, I know. I wish I had too.

But, you know,
I think this is a good thing. You know?

Because we've had our first fight,
and now we can move on.

You know, I mean, I know for me, but...

Nick's pants?

Yeah.

Yeah. Well.

I think our second fight
is going to be a big one.

- Okay, for next time, what do you say?
- "I have an extra ticket. "

"An extra ticket. " Not "two tickets. "
I have and extra ticket.

So the first time you asked a guy out
he turned you down?

He didn't turn me down.
He's at the game, isn't he?

I got the date. I'm just not on it.

Okay, it's ready.

- Come on.
- What's ready?

Just come.

Oh, my God.

- Wow.
- Monica, this is beautiful.

Oh, did you work for two days straight?

Pretty much.

So, what do you think of the floor?

I don't know. Looks the same.

You used to have carpet.

Oh, yeah.

So I made snacks.

Please, just hang out, okay?

I'm just gonna rest my eyes
for just a little bit.

Mon, do you want us to come back later?

Oh, no, no, no. Stay, stay, stay.
Just keep talking.

I'm always the hostess.

- Hey.
- How'd it go?

- So?
- Well, she wasn't sleeping with him.

- Oh, good.
- She is now.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying that she is a devil woman.

You think you know a person...

...then they turn around
and they sleep with Nick.

Nick and his rock-hard pecs
and his giant man-nipples.

I hate him. And I hate her.

Well, I don't hate her. I love her.
This is all my fault, really.

- Oh.
- How? How is it your fault?

Because, ugh, I should have called.

You know, if I'd just called her, she never
would have gone out with Nick...

...and they wouldn't have ended up
in bed together.

I threw her at his man-nipples.

Honey, this is not your fault.

Just because you guys had a fight
does not justify her sleeping with someone.

Well, if she thought
they were on a break...

Rachel, one of your customers seems
to have left his billfold. A Joshua Burgen.

- Really?
- Will you call him?

Yes, I will. Absolutely.

Oh.

Hello, Rachel.

Hi, Joshua.

I left my wallet here on purpose.

Really?

Yes, I just wanted to see you again.

Oh, I'm glad.

Rachel, I'd like to say something to you.

Yes?

How you doing?

[English - US - SDH]