Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 12 - The One with the Embryos - full transcript
Phoebe's uterus is examined for implantation of the embryos. Meanwhile, a seemingly harmless game between Chandler and Joey against Monica and Rachel escalates into a full blown contest where the stakes are raised higher and higher.
What the hell is that?!
What the hell is that?
ls that you?
-You're really not a morning person.
-Just back off!
Get up! Get up! Get up!
What is that noise?
You!
lt's the chick.
She's going through some changes.
What kind of changes?
The vet seems to think...
...she's becoming a rooster.
We're getting a second opinion.
The One With the Embryos
Why are you shopping
at 8 in the morning?
l've been up since 6...
...thanks to somebody's
dumb-ass rooster.
You should get rid of those animals.
They shouldn't be in an apartment.
Especially not with these
knives and cookbooks around.
l'm going to the doctor
and see if l'm ready...
...to have Frank and Alice's embryo
transferred into my uterus.
How will they know?
They'll just see if my
endometrial layer is thick.
l can check that for you.
Okay, think ''thick.''
Good luck!
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
-l'm still right.
-That is so not true.
What?
l know it's her laundry day...
...and that means she's wearing
her old-lady underpants.
l can check that for you.
You two think you know
me and Rachel...
...better than we know you.
Well, we do.
You can only eat Tic Tacs
in even numbers.
What's that about?
And you!
Ross, if you check Rachel's bag...
...you'll find a half-eaten box
of cookies in there.
You're good.
These are not.
l'm so not impressed.
Everybody snacks when they shop.
Ross, how many items
left in that bag?
Five.
Okay, 1 0 bucks says we can
name every item in that bag.
-How many guesses?
-Six.
Challenge extended.
-Deal!
-Challenge accepted.
All right, we'll start with...
...apples.
We'll be starting with apples.
Stop that now.
Yes.
Okay. Tortilla chips.
-Yogurt.
-Diet soda.
-Orange juice.
-There's no orange juice! We win!
They have another guess.
Well, we won that one.
Okay. The last thing is--
Not for another two weeks.
l got it.
Scotch...
...tape.
How did you know
she would buy Scotch tape?
We used up theirs last night
making scary faces.
Oh, man!
All right! Ten bucks.
Fork it over.
Cough it up. Pay the piper.
Give me it!
You don't know us better.
l want a rematch.
And no stupid grocery questions.
Real, personal questions.
And the winner gets $ 1 00.
-Serious?
-Are you scared?
No.
Who makes up the questions?
Ross will do it.
Sure, Ross will do it.
lt's not like he has a job
or a child or a life of his own.
-Fine. We'll ask Phoebe.
-No, l want to play.
Looks like your uterus
is ready for implantation.
l knew it!
l felt really thick this morning.
Okay, so what's now?
Go get the eggs. Put them in there.
lt'll take a little while
to prepare the embryos.
-Embryos? As in more than one?
-Five, actually.
Where am l giving birth...
...in a hospital or
a big box under the stairs?
Doing five gives you a 25% chance
that at least one will attach.
That's it? 25%?
That means that it's, like,
75% chance of no baby at all?
l was thinking,
what are the odds...
...if you stuff 200 of them in there?
Sweetie, now...
...she's a woman,
not a gumball machine.
Don't worry. l'll do this as many
times as it takes to get it right.
The thing is, we kind of
only have one shot.
lt costs $ 1 6,000 each time you do this.
Sixteen thousand dollars?!
Well, it's 20 in California.
We're kind of using all the money
we have to do it this one time.
Okay, that's a lot of
pressure on me and my uterus.
Maybe there's something l can do
to make sure l get pregnant.
No, l'm sorry.
Wow, you guys really
don't know anything.
Why don't you get drunk? lt worked
for a bunch of girls in my high school.
-So how's the test coming?
-Hey, you're touching the game board.
Sorry.
You freak.
Do you realize that
any minute now...
...Phoebe could be pregnant?
l know, l know.
lt's such a huge,
life-altering thing.
The test is ready.
Okay. Each team will
answer 1 0 questions.
The first team to answer
the most questions wins.
The categories are
''Fears and Pet Peeves'' ...
...''Ancient History'' ...
...''Literature'' ...
...and ''lt's all Relative.''
Now...
...the coin toss,
to see who goes first.
Okay.
Somebody call it this time.
Tails!
lt's heads.
Gentlemen, pick your category.
''Fears and Pet Peeves.''
''What is Monica's biggest pet peeve?''
-Animals dressed as humans.
-Correct.
-Ladies?
-Same category.
''According to Chandler, what phenomenon
scares the bejesus out of him?''
Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
That is correct.
The lrish jig guy?
His legs flail about
as if independent from his body!
Gentlemen, your pick.
''lt's all Relative.''
''Monica and l had
a grandmother who died.
You both went to her funeral.
Name that grandmother.''
-Nana?
-She has a real name.
Althea!
-What?
-l took a shot!
With Althea?
-Althea is correct.
-Nice shooting!
''Literature.''
''Every week the TV Guide comes
to Chandler and Joey's apartment.
What name appears
on the address label?''
Chandler gets it!
lt's Chandler Bing!
l'm afraid the TV Guide
comes to ''Chanandler Bong.''
l knew that!
Rachel, use your head!
Actually, it's Ms. Chanandler Bong.
Hello, teeny embryos.
l'm Phoebe Buffay. Hi!
l'm hoping to be your uterus
for the next nine months.
We're doing this
for Frank and Alice...
...who you know.
You've been there.
They want you so much.
So when you guys get in there,
really grab on.
And l promise that l'll keep you
safe and warm...
...until you're ready
to have them take you home.
Next time you see me,
if l'm screaming, don't worry.
That's what's supposed to happen.
Ready?
Good luck!
The score is nine to eight
in favor of the guys.
Ladies, if you miss this,
the game is theirs. Pick a category.
''lt's all Relative'' !
-You don't have to shout everything.
-l'm sorry!
''What is the name
of Chandler's father's...
...Las Vegas all-male burlesque?''
Viva Las Gaygas!
Unfortunately, that is correct.
All right. We have a tie.
Luckily, l've prepared
for such an event.
The lightning round!
Thirty seconds.
All the questions you can answer.
You guys are dead!
l am so good at lightning rounds!
l majored in lightning rounds,
all right?
We'll destroy you.
Want to bet?
l'm so confused as to what
we've been doing so far.
How about we play for more money?
Say 1 50?
One hundred and fifty dollars.
Say 200?
Two hundred dollars!
You're doing it again.
Excuse me.
-l don't want to lose $200.
-We won't.
Three hundred?
l'm spicing it up!
So play for some pepper!
Stop spending my money.
l got it!
lf we win, they have to
get rid of the rooster.
That's interesting!
-No way! That rooster's family.
-The duck too!
The duck doesn't make noise!
He gets the other one all riled up!
-We are not--
-All right, hold on!
lf you win...
...we give up the bird.
But if we win...
...we get your apartment.
-Deal!
-What?
That's crazy. There's no way
we are betting the apartment.
All right, l'm in. Because either
he goes, or l'm buying a coyote.
Betting the apartment?
l don't know about this.
l have not missed one question
the whole game. l own this game!
-Look at my hand.
-You have the answers written there?
No. Steady as a rock.
Now, are you with me?
All right, let's do it!
All right.
Gentlemen, you're up first.
You have 30 seconds.
The lightning round begins--
Stop it!
''Monica's nickname
when she was a hockey goalie?''
-Big Fat Goalie.
-Correct!
''Rachel claims
it's her favorite movie.''
Dangerous Liaisons.
-''Her actual favorite is...?''
-Weekend at Bernie's.
''ln what part of her body did Monica
get a pencil stuck at age 1 4?''
No!
Her ear!
''Monica categorizes her towels.
How many categories are there?''
-Everyday use.
-Fancy.
-Guest.
-Fancy guest.
-Two seconds.
-Eleven?
Unbelievable!
Eleven is correct!
All right.
That's four for the guys.
Ladies, you're up!
Thirty seconds on the clock.
Five correct questions
wins the game.
The lightning round begins now.
''Joey's favorite food?''
-Sandwiches!
-Correct.
''Chandler was how old when he
first touched a girl's breast?''
-1 4?
-No, 1 9.
Thanks, man.
''Joey had an imaginary
childhood friend.
-His name was...?''
-Maurice!
-''His profession was...?''
-Space cowboy!
''What is Chandler Bing's job?''
lt has something to do with numbers!
-And processing!
-He carries a briefcase.
Ten seconds.
You need this or you lose.
Something to do
with transponding.
He's a transponster!
That's not even a word!
l can get this! l can get this!
-l call Monica's room.
-You can't just call Monica's room.
Sure l can.
Standard shotgun rules.
l'm in sight of the room
and l called it.
Damn!
l feel like l'm coming down
with something.
Guess the color of my tonsils.
l bet the apartment!
l would never bet this place.
lt's too nice.
Are they in there?
Yeah, l'm implanted.
-How do you feel?
-Well, freaked.
lt turns out the odds
are really sucky.
And this is
Frank and Alice's only shot.
They are literally putting
all their eggs in my basket.
But l bet it works.
Really? How much?
l'm going to take
a pregnancy test now.
Wow! You can tell this soon?
The doctor says it takes a few days.
But my body's always been a little
faster than Western medicine.
l can't believe you guys think
you're moving in here.
Well, believe it, baby!
-Well, l'm not moving.
-What?
No. lt was a stupid bet.
We were just playing a game.
You can't ignore the bet.
lt's a bet!
Bet on a bet
and if you lose, you lose the bet.
We have to move.
We would have made them
get rid of the birds.
l hate this as much as you,
but if it makes you feel better...
...this is all your fault.
What?
Chanandler Bong!
We steal that TV Guide every week!
l knew it!
l don't care.
l'm not going anywhere.
Cool! Girl roommate.
Well?
Nope, not knocked up yet.
lt's only been a couple hours.
Meanwhile, l'll do
whatever l can to help this.
l'm just going to, you know,
lie in your chair, okay?
Good. l'm going
to let gravity do its job.
l won't get in the way.
lt'll be just like that time l tried to
count all the bumps on your ceiling.
You know, Pheebs, if you sit there long
enough, you'll be sitting in our apartment.
l can't believe this.
Oh, Rach, FYl: Your new apartment
hasn't had hot water since Christmas.
Can you give me a hand?
Put that box down!
We are not going anywhere!
This is my apartment and l like it!
This is a girl's apartment!
That is a boy's apartment!
lt's dirty and it smells!
This is pretty!
lt's so pretty!
And look, it's purple!
l tell you, you with your
steady hand, l am not moving.
And now l have got the steady hand.
Okay, okay.
-l'll take care of it.
-That's right.
You do what the hand says!
-How'd it go?
-l lost our mattresses.
Are you in there, little fetus?
In nine months will you come greet us?
I will buy you some Adidas
We were just at the drugstore
so we got you a little present.
That's where all my blood was.
lt's a lollipop
and a home pregnancy test.
Don't mix those up.
You could really ruin that lollipop.
You feel like taking a test?
There's only one question.
All right. l will.
Remember that
it's still really early.
lf it says l'm not pregnant, that
doesn't mean l won't get pregnant.
Just so l don't go completely nuts...
...try not to put
all your hopes on this.
Great.
You are mean boys
who are just being mean!
Don't get mad! No one
forced you to raise the stakes.
That is not true!
She forced me!
You got the question wrong.
lt was a stupid, unfair question!
Don't blame the questions!
Stop yelling in our apartment!
You are ruining moving day for us.
-Stop calling it your apartment!
-lt is!
You're going to have a baby.
They're going to have a baby!
My sister's going to have my baby!
Okay, but this can't
be good for the baby.
l can't find garbage bags.
l think l saw some in here.
What is it?
l don't know. But maybe if we keep
that drawer shut, it'll die.
l can't believe we're living here!
What is it?
Did you see the size of the closets?
l can't believe we live here!
[ENGLlSH]
What the hell is that?
ls that you?
-You're really not a morning person.
-Just back off!
Get up! Get up! Get up!
What is that noise?
You!
lt's the chick.
She's going through some changes.
What kind of changes?
The vet seems to think...
...she's becoming a rooster.
We're getting a second opinion.
The One With the Embryos
Why are you shopping
at 8 in the morning?
l've been up since 6...
...thanks to somebody's
dumb-ass rooster.
You should get rid of those animals.
They shouldn't be in an apartment.
Especially not with these
knives and cookbooks around.
l'm going to the doctor
and see if l'm ready...
...to have Frank and Alice's embryo
transferred into my uterus.
How will they know?
They'll just see if my
endometrial layer is thick.
l can check that for you.
Okay, think ''thick.''
Good luck!
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
-l'm still right.
-That is so not true.
What?
l know it's her laundry day...
...and that means she's wearing
her old-lady underpants.
l can check that for you.
You two think you know
me and Rachel...
...better than we know you.
Well, we do.
You can only eat Tic Tacs
in even numbers.
What's that about?
And you!
Ross, if you check Rachel's bag...
...you'll find a half-eaten box
of cookies in there.
You're good.
These are not.
l'm so not impressed.
Everybody snacks when they shop.
Ross, how many items
left in that bag?
Five.
Okay, 1 0 bucks says we can
name every item in that bag.
-How many guesses?
-Six.
Challenge extended.
-Deal!
-Challenge accepted.
All right, we'll start with...
...apples.
We'll be starting with apples.
Stop that now.
Yes.
Okay. Tortilla chips.
-Yogurt.
-Diet soda.
-Orange juice.
-There's no orange juice! We win!
They have another guess.
Well, we won that one.
Okay. The last thing is--
Not for another two weeks.
l got it.
Scotch...
...tape.
How did you know
she would buy Scotch tape?
We used up theirs last night
making scary faces.
Oh, man!
All right! Ten bucks.
Fork it over.
Cough it up. Pay the piper.
Give me it!
You don't know us better.
l want a rematch.
And no stupid grocery questions.
Real, personal questions.
And the winner gets $ 1 00.
-Serious?
-Are you scared?
No.
Who makes up the questions?
Ross will do it.
Sure, Ross will do it.
lt's not like he has a job
or a child or a life of his own.
-Fine. We'll ask Phoebe.
-No, l want to play.
Looks like your uterus
is ready for implantation.
l knew it!
l felt really thick this morning.
Okay, so what's now?
Go get the eggs. Put them in there.
lt'll take a little while
to prepare the embryos.
-Embryos? As in more than one?
-Five, actually.
Where am l giving birth...
...in a hospital or
a big box under the stairs?
Doing five gives you a 25% chance
that at least one will attach.
That's it? 25%?
That means that it's, like,
75% chance of no baby at all?
l was thinking,
what are the odds...
...if you stuff 200 of them in there?
Sweetie, now...
...she's a woman,
not a gumball machine.
Don't worry. l'll do this as many
times as it takes to get it right.
The thing is, we kind of
only have one shot.
lt costs $ 1 6,000 each time you do this.
Sixteen thousand dollars?!
Well, it's 20 in California.
We're kind of using all the money
we have to do it this one time.
Okay, that's a lot of
pressure on me and my uterus.
Maybe there's something l can do
to make sure l get pregnant.
No, l'm sorry.
Wow, you guys really
don't know anything.
Why don't you get drunk? lt worked
for a bunch of girls in my high school.
-So how's the test coming?
-Hey, you're touching the game board.
Sorry.
You freak.
Do you realize that
any minute now...
...Phoebe could be pregnant?
l know, l know.
lt's such a huge,
life-altering thing.
The test is ready.
Okay. Each team will
answer 1 0 questions.
The first team to answer
the most questions wins.
The categories are
''Fears and Pet Peeves'' ...
...''Ancient History'' ...
...''Literature'' ...
...and ''lt's all Relative.''
Now...
...the coin toss,
to see who goes first.
Okay.
Somebody call it this time.
Tails!
lt's heads.
Gentlemen, pick your category.
''Fears and Pet Peeves.''
''What is Monica's biggest pet peeve?''
-Animals dressed as humans.
-Correct.
-Ladies?
-Same category.
''According to Chandler, what phenomenon
scares the bejesus out of him?''
Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
That is correct.
The lrish jig guy?
His legs flail about
as if independent from his body!
Gentlemen, your pick.
''lt's all Relative.''
''Monica and l had
a grandmother who died.
You both went to her funeral.
Name that grandmother.''
-Nana?
-She has a real name.
Althea!
-What?
-l took a shot!
With Althea?
-Althea is correct.
-Nice shooting!
''Literature.''
''Every week the TV Guide comes
to Chandler and Joey's apartment.
What name appears
on the address label?''
Chandler gets it!
lt's Chandler Bing!
l'm afraid the TV Guide
comes to ''Chanandler Bong.''
l knew that!
Rachel, use your head!
Actually, it's Ms. Chanandler Bong.
Hello, teeny embryos.
l'm Phoebe Buffay. Hi!
l'm hoping to be your uterus
for the next nine months.
We're doing this
for Frank and Alice...
...who you know.
You've been there.
They want you so much.
So when you guys get in there,
really grab on.
And l promise that l'll keep you
safe and warm...
...until you're ready
to have them take you home.
Next time you see me,
if l'm screaming, don't worry.
That's what's supposed to happen.
Ready?
Good luck!
The score is nine to eight
in favor of the guys.
Ladies, if you miss this,
the game is theirs. Pick a category.
''lt's all Relative'' !
-You don't have to shout everything.
-l'm sorry!
''What is the name
of Chandler's father's...
...Las Vegas all-male burlesque?''
Viva Las Gaygas!
Unfortunately, that is correct.
All right. We have a tie.
Luckily, l've prepared
for such an event.
The lightning round!
Thirty seconds.
All the questions you can answer.
You guys are dead!
l am so good at lightning rounds!
l majored in lightning rounds,
all right?
We'll destroy you.
Want to bet?
l'm so confused as to what
we've been doing so far.
How about we play for more money?
Say 1 50?
One hundred and fifty dollars.
Say 200?
Two hundred dollars!
You're doing it again.
Excuse me.
-l don't want to lose $200.
-We won't.
Three hundred?
l'm spicing it up!
So play for some pepper!
Stop spending my money.
l got it!
lf we win, they have to
get rid of the rooster.
That's interesting!
-No way! That rooster's family.
-The duck too!
The duck doesn't make noise!
He gets the other one all riled up!
-We are not--
-All right, hold on!
lf you win...
...we give up the bird.
But if we win...
...we get your apartment.
-Deal!
-What?
That's crazy. There's no way
we are betting the apartment.
All right, l'm in. Because either
he goes, or l'm buying a coyote.
Betting the apartment?
l don't know about this.
l have not missed one question
the whole game. l own this game!
-Look at my hand.
-You have the answers written there?
No. Steady as a rock.
Now, are you with me?
All right, let's do it!
All right.
Gentlemen, you're up first.
You have 30 seconds.
The lightning round begins--
Stop it!
''Monica's nickname
when she was a hockey goalie?''
-Big Fat Goalie.
-Correct!
''Rachel claims
it's her favorite movie.''
Dangerous Liaisons.
-''Her actual favorite is...?''
-Weekend at Bernie's.
''ln what part of her body did Monica
get a pencil stuck at age 1 4?''
No!
Her ear!
''Monica categorizes her towels.
How many categories are there?''
-Everyday use.
-Fancy.
-Guest.
-Fancy guest.
-Two seconds.
-Eleven?
Unbelievable!
Eleven is correct!
All right.
That's four for the guys.
Ladies, you're up!
Thirty seconds on the clock.
Five correct questions
wins the game.
The lightning round begins now.
''Joey's favorite food?''
-Sandwiches!
-Correct.
''Chandler was how old when he
first touched a girl's breast?''
-1 4?
-No, 1 9.
Thanks, man.
''Joey had an imaginary
childhood friend.
-His name was...?''
-Maurice!
-''His profession was...?''
-Space cowboy!
''What is Chandler Bing's job?''
lt has something to do with numbers!
-And processing!
-He carries a briefcase.
Ten seconds.
You need this or you lose.
Something to do
with transponding.
He's a transponster!
That's not even a word!
l can get this! l can get this!
-l call Monica's room.
-You can't just call Monica's room.
Sure l can.
Standard shotgun rules.
l'm in sight of the room
and l called it.
Damn!
l feel like l'm coming down
with something.
Guess the color of my tonsils.
l bet the apartment!
l would never bet this place.
lt's too nice.
Are they in there?
Yeah, l'm implanted.
-How do you feel?
-Well, freaked.
lt turns out the odds
are really sucky.
And this is
Frank and Alice's only shot.
They are literally putting
all their eggs in my basket.
But l bet it works.
Really? How much?
l'm going to take
a pregnancy test now.
Wow! You can tell this soon?
The doctor says it takes a few days.
But my body's always been a little
faster than Western medicine.
l can't believe you guys think
you're moving in here.
Well, believe it, baby!
-Well, l'm not moving.
-What?
No. lt was a stupid bet.
We were just playing a game.
You can't ignore the bet.
lt's a bet!
Bet on a bet
and if you lose, you lose the bet.
We have to move.
We would have made them
get rid of the birds.
l hate this as much as you,
but if it makes you feel better...
...this is all your fault.
What?
Chanandler Bong!
We steal that TV Guide every week!
l knew it!
l don't care.
l'm not going anywhere.
Cool! Girl roommate.
Well?
Nope, not knocked up yet.
lt's only been a couple hours.
Meanwhile, l'll do
whatever l can to help this.
l'm just going to, you know,
lie in your chair, okay?
Good. l'm going
to let gravity do its job.
l won't get in the way.
lt'll be just like that time l tried to
count all the bumps on your ceiling.
You know, Pheebs, if you sit there long
enough, you'll be sitting in our apartment.
l can't believe this.
Oh, Rach, FYl: Your new apartment
hasn't had hot water since Christmas.
Can you give me a hand?
Put that box down!
We are not going anywhere!
This is my apartment and l like it!
This is a girl's apartment!
That is a boy's apartment!
lt's dirty and it smells!
This is pretty!
lt's so pretty!
And look, it's purple!
l tell you, you with your
steady hand, l am not moving.
And now l have got the steady hand.
Okay, okay.
-l'll take care of it.
-That's right.
You do what the hand says!
-How'd it go?
-l lost our mattresses.
Are you in there, little fetus?
In nine months will you come greet us?
I will buy you some Adidas
We were just at the drugstore
so we got you a little present.
That's where all my blood was.
lt's a lollipop
and a home pregnancy test.
Don't mix those up.
You could really ruin that lollipop.
You feel like taking a test?
There's only one question.
All right. l will.
Remember that
it's still really early.
lf it says l'm not pregnant, that
doesn't mean l won't get pregnant.
Just so l don't go completely nuts...
...try not to put
all your hopes on this.
Great.
You are mean boys
who are just being mean!
Don't get mad! No one
forced you to raise the stakes.
That is not true!
She forced me!
You got the question wrong.
lt was a stupid, unfair question!
Don't blame the questions!
Stop yelling in our apartment!
You are ruining moving day for us.
-Stop calling it your apartment!
-lt is!
You're going to have a baby.
They're going to have a baby!
My sister's going to have my baby!
Okay, but this can't
be good for the baby.
l can't find garbage bags.
l think l saw some in here.
What is it?
l don't know. But maybe if we keep
that drawer shut, it'll die.
l can't believe we're living here!
What is it?
Did you see the size of the closets?
l can't believe we live here!
[ENGLlSH]