Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 11 - The One with Phoebe's Uterus - full transcript

Newlyweds Frank and Alice ask Phoebe to be their surrogate. Joey gets a job as a tour guide at Ross's museum. Chandler asks Monica and Rachel for advice on how to sexually satisfy Kathy.

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I can't believe
my little brother's married!

Why didn't you tell me
you were eloping?

Well, we were at court,
eating lunch--

Why were you at court?

Lunch.

We were like...

... we're here, we're having lunch.
Let's get married! Right?

A year ago, I didn't know I had
a brother. Now I have a sister!

Oh, it's so great.

Stop it! Don't!

I'll get you a gift now.



Is there anything you need?

We've been trying to get pregnant.
Thought we'd get a jump on things.

No one's getting any younger.

Because the thing is, we're not
able to, you know, conceive.

We've seen a bunch of doctors.

They say that our only chance
to have a baby...

... is that if they take my sperm,
her egg, put it together in a dish...

... and put it into another girl.

We were wondering
if you could be that girl.

That's a really nice gift.

I was thinking of a gravy boat.

The One with Phoebe's Uterus

Subtitles and Rip by
.:staz:. (staz@post. cz)

Check it out!
Guess what job I just got.



I don't know, but Donald Trump
wants his blue blazer black.

Blue blazer back.
He wants it back.

You said "black. " Why would he
want his blue blazer black?

Well, you know what I meant.

You messed it up.

You're stupid.

So what job'd you get?

Tour guide at the museum.
Ross got it for me.

Don't you have to be
a dinosaur expert?

They give you
all the information.

It's like memorizing a script.

On your left, tyrannosaurus rex,
from the Jurassic Period.

very nice.

Yeah, actually, Joey,
it's the Cretaceous Period.

But I can pronounce Jurassic.

Frank Jr. and Alice got married!

Oh, my God!

They're having a baby!

They want me to grow it
for them in my uterus!

-My God!
-Are you serious?

You're thinking of
having sex with your brother?

Ew! And, oh no!

They want me to be the surrogate.

It's her egg and his sperm.
I'm the oven. It's their bun.

What did you say?

I had to think about it,
but what is there to think of?

I'll be giving someone
the greatest gift.

You'll carry their child,
and get them a Sony PlayStation?

This is an incredible thing to do.

But there are things to think about.

Yeah, you'd be pregnant.
I mean pregnant.

I know.

You'll put your body
through an awful lot.

I mean, morning sickness, labor.

It's all for somebody else.

Yeah. What's your point?

Well, the stuff I just mentioned.

I couldn't do that.

I figure, the first time I had a baby,
it'd be with someone I love.

And that baby was, you know...

... a keeper.

You were more supportive when
I wanted to make denim furniture.

If you decide to do this,
we'll be supportive like crazy.

Just think it through.

Talk to somebody who's had a baby.
Like your mom.

My mom never gave birth.
Oh! But my birth mom did!

I love this tushy!
Can I take it to work with me?

Yeah, sure. It's not mine anyway.
It came with the pants.

I am so jealous.

You guys are just right there.

Right where?

The beginning, where
it's all sex and talking...

... and sex and talking.

You got to love the talking.

And the sex?

We haven't had sex.

What's the big deal?
This is special.

I want our love to grow
before moving to the next level.

Oh, Chandler, that is so nice.

That is really nice...

... Iying!

-No way is that the reason.
-Why?

You're not mature enough
to understand that!

He's right. I'm totally lying.

Then what is it?

Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.

And you're afraid you won't
be able to fill his shoes?

I'm afraid I won't
make love as well as him.

I was going for the metaphor.

I was saying the actual words.

He's had girlfriends.
It doesn't mean he's great in bed.

We share a wall.

Either he's great, or she liked
to agree with him a lot.

It'll be different. The sex will be
great because you are in love.

Just go for it.

Yeah, you should.

All right. I'll sleep
with my girlfriend.

But I'm just doing it for you guys.

Now, the mastodon is from
the semi-late Jurassic Period.

Isn't the mastodon
from the Pliocene Epoch?

This is a museum. No talking.

Right down here we have...

... a large foot.

And over here we have Ross Geller.

Everyone wave "hi" to Ross.

Ross is one of our scientists.
Look at him hard at work.

Okay, moving right along.

Come on.

It's open. Come in.

-I'm sorry I'm late.
-That's okay.

I had time to finish
glazing my nipples.

You go all out
when you're expecting company.

I was working on my pottery.

Oh! I didn't know
that you did pot.

Mostly nudes. It combines
my two passions: pottery and erotica.

Erottery!

Thanks for coming out to see me.

I thought it'd be a good idea to
talk about this baby stuff in person.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Why not?

You'd be giving up a baby.

And I really don't--

I don't know if anything I say...

... would make you understand the pain
of giving up a baby.

No, no, I understand the pain.
Don't hurt the puppy!

No, no. The puppy is yours.

I get a puppy?

But for only three days.

Why?

I realize I don't have any right
to start getting parenty on you now.

Look at me and not the puppy.
It's very important.

I know what I'm talking about.

I gave up two babies.

I only wish I had someone
who'd given up babies that told me...

... how terrible it is.

It'd be something you'd regret
every day for the rest of your life.

So however hard it is for you
to give up this puppy...

... it'd be a million times harder
to give up a child.

I shouldn't have given you
the puppy first.

Could you sit there? I'm saving
this seat for my friend Ross.

You mean Dr. Geller?

Doctor? I didn't know
he had a nickname.

Oh, he won't sit here.

Only people in white coats
sit there.

Only people in blue blazers
sit here.

How come?

That's how it is.

That's crazy.

It's crazy in a perfect world:
a world without lab coats and blazers.

But you not in a perfect world.
You in a museum now.

See that scientist?

He and I used to play together
in grade school, but now....

Peter! Hey, Peter!

It's me, Rhonda from P. S. 129?

I shared my pudding with you, man!

I gave you my snack pack!

See? He pretend
he don't even hear me!

Everyone's pretending
they don't hear you.

I don't know about your jackets
and separate tables...

... but Ross is my friend.

And if I save him a seat,
he will sit in it.

Here! I saved you a seat!

I'm cool here.
I'll catch up with you later.

This is saved.

Gift shop.

I'm sorry about
what happened today.

You do what you got to do.

The scientists and the tour guides
never sit together.

It's like that everywhere.
Mon, back me up.

Where you work, the waiters
eat with the waiters.

And the chefs eat
with the other chefs?

I eat by myself in the alley,
because everybody hates me.

Look, Ross.

It's no big deal.

You wear a white coat.
I wear a blue blazer.

If that means we can't be
friends at work, so be it.

I understand, you know?

When I'm in a play and you're in
the audience, I don't talk to you.

So it's, you know, it's cool.

I'll see you tomorrow.

When we're in the audience,
he does wave.

Why's Phoebe singing
to Karl Malden?

I think it's time for puppy
to go out again.

Come on, let's go to the balcony.

The street.
Come on, let's go to the street.

Don't go on the balcony
until after I get back.

So, did you do it?

Yes, yes, we had the sex.

It was bad?

It was fine, but she didn't agree
with me as strongly as with Joey.

She was like, "I see your point.
I'm all right with it. "

There's not always a lot of agreement
the first time.

Yeah. Not for girls, anyway.
Guys agree like that.

Look, you have to help me.

I mean--

I know what to do with a woman.
It's always nice.

I need to know...

... what makes it go from nice to...

... "My God! Somebody's killing her
in there! "

I'll show you something
a lot of guys don't know.

All right.

Now.

You don't have to draw an actual--
Whoa, she's hot!

Everyone knows the erogenous zones.

You got one, two, three...

... four...

... five, six and seven.

There are seven?

Let me see that.

That's one?

Kind of an important one.

I was looking at it upside down.

Well, you know sometimes that helps.

Most guys will hit one, two, three
and then go to seven and set up camp.

That's bad?

At Disneyland, you don't spend
the whole day on the Matterhorn.

You might if it were like seven.

The important thing is
to take your time.

You want to hit them all...

... mix them up.
Keep them on their toes.

Oh, toes!

For some people.

All right.

You could start out
with a little one.

A two.

A one, two, three.

A three.

A five.

A four.

A three, two.

Two. A two, four, six.

Two, four, six.

Four. Two.

Two. Four, seven!

Five, seven! Six, seven!

Seven! Seven!

Dr. Geller?
There's a seat here.

Thank you, Dr. Phillips.

But I'm having my lunch...

... at this table.
Here in the middle.

I'm eating...

... right here
with my good friend, Joey.

If he'll sit with me.

I will sit with you, Dr. Geller.

You know...

... we work in a museum
of natural history.

And yet, there is something...

... unnatural...

... about the way we eat lunch.

I look around, and you know what I see?
I see division.

Division between people in white coats
and people in blue blazers.

I ask myself, "My God, why?"

Now, I say we shed these coats...

... that separate us.

And we get to know
the people underneath.

I'm Ross!

I'm divorced and I have a kid!

I'm Joey! I'm an actor!

I don't know squat about dinosaurs!

I'm Ted, and I just moved here,
and New York really scares me.

-There you go!
-Hang in there, Teddy!

I'm Andrew.

And I didn't pay for this pear.

Okay. Good for you.

I'm Rhonda!
And these aren't real!

Wow, Rhonda.

-I'm Scott.
-Yeah, okay, Scott!

I flip the light switch on and off
17 times when I leave a room...

... or my family will die.

My mom will be here soon.

I can't. I can't give him up.

Yes, no. I can.

I don't want to.

But I can.

I can't watch this.
It's like Sophie's Choice.

You know, I never saw that.

Oh, it was only okay.

I can't do this.

My mom was right.
If I can't give him up...

... there's no way
I can give up a baby.

Frank and Alice
are going to be so crushed.

What else can I give them?
A kidney!

We were in the neighborhood.

We want to let you know that
there's still no pressure.

If there was something you wanted
to say, we'll be right there.

Who's this little guy?

He's so cute! He reminds me
of my old dog, Tumor.

You are so precious,
I'd take you home.

Why don't you?

Are you serious?

Thanks.

-What are you doing?
-I'm okay with this.

You know why?
Because look at them.

Look how happy they are.

And I made that, so you know...

... it'll be a million times harder
to give up a baby. But God!

It'll feel a million times
better, right?

I'll do this.
I want to carry your baby.

Thank you so much!

You don't know what this means to us.

I think I'm going to cry!

It's going to be so great.

-What's going on?
-I gave them the puppy.

It made them so happy,
I decided to carry their baby.

-Phoebe--
-No, I know.

We're different, though.

This is a different situation.

I am not going to regret this.

I understand all that.

It's just, that was my puppy.

Would you ever be a surrogate?

Depends who asked.

What if I asked?

Oh, Mon, sure!

-Really?
-Yes.

You're not asking me, are you?

Yes. Totally.

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Yes, thank you!