Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 5 - The One with Frank Jr. - full transcript

Phoebe has trouble bonding with her half-brother Frank when he comes to visit. Joey attempts to build an entertainment center. Ross is challenged to name the five celebrities he'd like to sleep with most.

Extract Subtitles From Media

Drop file here

Supports Video and Audio formats

Up to 60 mins and 2 GB

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
So, what happened?
Did a forest tick you off?

No. You know how we're always
saying we need a place for the mail.

Yeah?

l started building one. But then
l decided to take it to the next step.

You're building a post office?

No, an entertainment unit
with a built-in mail cubby.

-lt's a one-day job, max.
-Okay.

My word, those are snug!

Yeah. These are
my old work pants.

Sergio Valente.

Power saw kind of got away
from me there.



The One With Frank Jr.

Hey, Pheebs.
Any sign of your brother?

No, but he's always late.

-l thought you only met him once.
-l did.

l think it sounds big sister-y,
''Frank's always late.''

Well, relax. He'll be here.

l know.
l'm just nervous.

lt's just, Mom's dead,
don't talk to my sister...

...Grandma's been sleeping
a lot lately.

lt's just the last-desperate-
chance-to-have-a-family kind of thing.

You're sweet to wait with me.

Actually, Gunther sent me. You're not
allowed to have cups out here.

Does anyone else think
David Copperfield's cute?

No. But he told me he thinks
you're a fox.



All right. Janice likes him.

ln fact, she likes him so much,
she put him on her freebie list.

Her what?

We have a deal where we each get to pick
five celebrities we could sleep with...

...and the other one can't get mad.

The heart of every
healthy relationship:

Honesty, respect
and sex with celebrities.

So who's on your list?

Kim Basinger...

...Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry...

...Yasmine Bleeth...

...and Jessica Rabbit.

You do realize that she is a cartoon
and way out of your league?

l know. l always wondered if l could
get her eyes to pop out of her head.

This is such a great thing.

Annie Esposito would never have
dumped me had we had a list like this.

And also, of course,
if her sister was famous.

Who would yours be?

First, l need a boyfriend.
Then l can have a list.

lt's just a game, Mon.

Rach, how about you?

l don't know. l guess Chris
O'Donnell, John F. Kennedy Jr...

...Daniel Day-Lewis, Sting
and Parker Stevenson.

Spider-Man?

Hardy Boy.

-Peter Parker.
-Thank you.

What about you, honey?
Who'd be on your list?

That kind of thing
requires some serious thought.

First, l'd divide my prospective
candidates into categories.

What a geek!

Everybody, this is Frank!
My half brother, Frank!

This is everybody.

-This is Ross.
-How are you?

-Chandler.
-Hi.

-Joey.
-Hey.

This is Monica.

And this is Rachel.

l'm gonna get coffee for us.

Hey, how do you guys get
anything done?

We don't, really.

So now,
do you guys have big plans?

Yeah. We're gonna connect
and bond and everything.

l thought we could go down to Times
Square and pick up some ninja stars.

My friend Larry, he wants me
to take a picture of a hooker.

We really don't take advantage
of living in the city.

Sorry. Did l get you?

No, you didn't get me!

lt's an electric drill!
You get me, you kill me!

Calm down!
Do you want this unit or not?

l do not want this unit!

You should've told me before.
l'm not a mind reader.

And we're out of beer.
l'm going to Monica's.

Fine!

Where you heading in those pants?
1 982?

Monica, listen...

...l saw down at the hardware store,
they got those designer tiles on sale...

...if you wanna redo
your bathroom floor.

What's wrong with my bathroom floor?

Nothing. lt's just old and dingy,
that's all.

-l highly doubt that.
-Oh, yeah?

lf you move your hamper...

...you can see the color
the tile used to be.

l can't live like this!
What are we gonna do?

Relax. Here, hold this.

This old stuff comes right up.
l'll show you.

A little more than l wanted to see.

Look at that!
Every inch of this is glued down.

lt'd take forever to pry this up.

You should just leave it.

l can't leave it! You gouged
a hole in my dingy floor!

There. There you go.

Yeah, that's nice.

We can put it back there after the
surgeons remove it from your colon.

Give me a new floor!

l can't. Chandler will kill me
if l don't finish the unit.

-l'll pay you double what he's paying you.
-He's not paying me anything.

Triple.

What?

l know what l wanted to ask you.
Can you roll your tongue?

Because l can and my mom couldn't.

And l figured that was
something l got from our dad.

Well, wait, you mean like this?

Yeah, you can do it too. Yeah.

You're not doing it.

Oh, right. Okay.
Yeah, my mom could and l can't.

We don't have that.

-When's your birthday?
-February 1 6.

l know a guy who's the 1 8th.

That's close.

-When's yours?
-October 25.

That's the same month as Halloween.

So, what kind of things
do you like to do at home?

Melt stuff.

-Okay, l've got three of my five.
-Three of your five what?

Celebrities l'm allowed to sleep with.

God, you're giving this
a lot of thought.

Hey, it's hard, okay?
l only have two spots left.

All right. Who you got it
narrowed down to?

-Elizabeth Hurley.
-Very attractive.

Forgiving.

Susan Sarandon.

You know what?
She's too political.

She probably wouldn't let you do it unless
you donated four cans of food first.

-And lsabella Rossellini.
-Very hot. Very sexy.

But she's too international.

She's never gonna be around.

-So?
-So you gotta play the odds.

Pick somebody who's gonna be
in the country all the time.

Yeah. Because that's why you won't
get lsabella Rossellini. Geography.

Okay. So by ''melting''
you meant melting.

-So is it, like, art?
-Yeah, you can melt art.

Hey, can l use your phone?

-Sure. You want to call your mom?
-No, l want to melt it.

Just the numbers.
lt will still work.

Well, not right now.

l'm gonna go to bed. The fumes
are giving me a headache. So....

Good night, bro.

Good night.

Here.

Just in case.

Oh, excellent!

-What kind of karate is that?
-No kind.

He just makes it up.

-How's it going with you guys?
-So far it kind of blows.

l don't know, l just thought
he'd feel more like a brother.

Like you and Ross.
Close and connected and....

Honey, we're close now.
You wouldn't believe the years...

...of noogies and wedgies and flying
wedgies and atomic wedgies and....

That's when the waistband
goes over your head.

We drove each other crazy
playing the shadow game.

-How do you play the shadow game?
-How do you play the shadow game?

-l just asked you.
-l just asked you.

l don't have time for this.

That is what the game is.

You just gave up really quickly.

-You seen Joey?
-What's the matter?

Just this!

lt's my fault, really, because the
couch is where we keep the varnish.

Somebody wanna hand me
one of those tiles?

-What's going on?
-He's retiling my floor.

Spackle boy!

Get up!

-You started this, you will finish it!
-He started mine first!

Build the unit, Cinderellie
Lay the tile, Cinderellie

-He was helping me first.
-No, l need a bathroom. l'm a girl!

You guys figure it out.
l'm taking a break.

-That's good.
-Take a break?

Yeah. l think even God
rested on the seventh day.

Joey, if this takes seven days...

...you'll be able to meet God
and ask him about it yourself.

Big octopus.

Oh, my God! l totally forgot.

Well, can't someone else do it?

But l have company.

Look, that's all right.
l'll come in. Okay.

l'm sorry,
but l have to go into work.

lt's one of my regulars.
He's insisting that l do him, so....

Hey, what kind of work do you do?

l'm a masseuse.
l give people massages and stuff.

You work at one of
those massage parlors?

Well, you know, we don't call it that.
But, yeah.

That's wild.

-No, l had no idea.
-Alrighty.

l'll be back in a little bit.
Unless you want to come with me.

You mean, like, watch?

No. No, you can get one yourself.
lt'll be on the house.

What are big sisters for?

Well, l don't think this. You know?

No. No, no.
l wouldn't do you myself.

l mean, that would be weird.

l'll get one of the
other girls to do it.

This is so much fun!

-Are you excited?
-Yeah.

Hey, do Monica and Rachel
work there?

lt's beautiful!

lt's like the first bathroom
floor there ever was.

What are you going in there for?

You want, like, a number?

-Hey.
-Hi. Bye.

Okay. l'm done with my choices.

These are final.

-Well, it's about time.
-Yeah. Very official.

Yeah. Well, you know, Chandler
printed it up on his computer.

And who laminated it?

That was me.

All right, let me see.

''Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder,
Elizabeth Hurley...

...Michelle Pfeiffer...

...Dorothy Hamill''?

Hey, it's my list!

You do realize she only spins
like that on ice?

-What's going on?
-She broke my arm!

-He touched my fanny.
-She touched mine first!

That's my job!

So, what's the deal? l can have sex
with you, but l can't touch you?

-You can't have sex with her!
-Did you think l was a hooker?

No, okay. l know. You're a masseuse.
lt's cool. l'm not a cop!

Ask Mr. Wiffler if he
can wait for five minutes.

Fine.

l don't like you.

So that's what you thought l did?
God!

That's not what l do!

Wait, that's not what you do?

No!

Why would you think that?

l don't know. This is the city,
you know? l just....

l mean...

...l don't know.

Whatever. lt's the perfect end
to the perfect weekend anyway.

Wait.

No, you're right.
No, it was perfect.

l can't believe
l screwed it up so bad.

-You thought it was perfect?
-Well, no, maybe it wasn't perfect...

...but you know, it was pretty cool,
you know?

Because we had all those
great talks, you know?

Which ones in particular
were great for you?

Well, you know, about
the tongue thing, you know?

And how l told you about
my likes and my dislikes.

How l like to melt stuff, and how
l dislike stuff that doesn't melt.

Right. Okay.

l feel like l can really talk to you
because you're my sister, you know?

Yeah. l guess l do.

And then l go feel your friend up
and make you mad at me.

Well, l wasn't hopping mad,
you know?

You hopped a little bit.

Yeah, l'm really sorry.
You know, l'm really....

Okay.

Well, this is my favorite part
of the weekend. Right now. This.

This?

Oh, come on.
We went to Times Square.

We found ninja stars. l almost
get my arm broken by a hooker--

She's not a hooker.

When l tell my friends about her,
she will be.

Phoebe, what's that?

Frank Jr. gave me this before he left.
A present.

lt used to belong to our dad.
His garage-door opener.

Until Frank melted it.

Cool!

Sound the bell, gather up
all the men you can find.

We got ourselves
an entertainment unit raising.

No, seriously,
can you help us?

Okay, on three!

-One, two--
-Why don't we just go on two?

-Why two?
-Because it's faster.

l could've counted to three four times
without all the two talk.

-All right, but in the future--
-Heavy thing! Not getting lighter!

-One, two--
-So we are going with two?

A good job, Joe.

Wow. lt's big.

So big it actually makes
our doors look smaller.

-Maybe my ruler's wrong.
-Maybe all the rulers are wrong.

lt's not that bad. So it blocks a
little of your door, a little of mine.

l got a better idea.

How about it blocks none of my door
and a lot of your door?

Listen, before l forget,
that side is still wet.

Arm hair stuck!
Arm hair stuck!

Let me just see
if l've got this right.

So this is a half-caf, double-tall,
easy hazelnut...

...nonfat, no foam, with whip,
extra-hot latte, right?

Okay. Great.

You freak.

Thank you.

A coffee to go, please.

-lsabella Rossellini!
-Are you serious? Oh, my God!

Damn! l cannot believe
l took her off my list.

Why? Because otherwise
you'd go for it?

Yeah, maybe.

You lie.

You don't think l'd go up to her?

lt took you 1 0 years to finally admit
you liked me.

Yeah? Well, missy, you better be glad
that list is laminated.

You know what, honey? You go ahead.
We'll call her an alternate.

-Okay. Hold my cruller.
-Okay.

Are you really gonna
let him do this?

He's about to go hit
on lsabella Rossellini.

l'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.

l'm Ross.

You don't know me,
but l'm a big, big fan of yours.

l mean...

...Blue Velvet.

l was wondering if l could maybe
buy you a cup of coffee.

Or reimburse you for that one.

Aren't you with that girl over there?

Well, yeah, kind of.

But that's okay.
We have an understanding.

We each have this list of five famous
people, and you were one of mine.

So l'm allowed to sleep with you.

No, no, no.
lt's flattering.

-l don't know--
-Wait. Wait, lsabella.

Don't dismiss this so fast. This is
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Yeah, for you.

-ls that the list?
-Yes.

-Can l see it?
-No.

-Come on.
-But-- Okay.

l'm not on the list!

But that's not the final draft.

lt's laminated.

Okay, see, you were on my list.

But then my friend Chandler...

...brought up the very good point
that you are international.

So l bumped you for Winona Ryder.
Local.

You know, it's ironic
because l have a list...

...of five goofy coffeehouse guys.

And yesterday, l just bumped you
for that guy over there.

We're just gonna be friends.

You know what?

Bet you l could fit in there.

l got 5 bucks says you can't.

Get out your checkbook, mister.

l think l have the cash.

You are dog, man!

l totally fit!

Yeah. You got me.

l'm out 5 big ones.

There you go.

Thank you.

Well, hello, Mr. Lincoln!

Better luck next time, buddy!

And the drinks are on me!

[ENGLlSH]