Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 4 - The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel - full transcript
Chandler tries to get over his fear of commitment. Phoebe poses as Joey's agent after she forgets to tell him about an audition. Ross panics after seeing Ben play with a Barbie doll and tries to convince him to play with more manly toys.
Welcome, everybody!
Welcome to Amazing Discoveries!
lt's on again!
Guys, could we please
not watch this?
This ever happen to you?
You go to get a glass of milk...
...but these cartons are so
flinging, flanging hard to open!
Boy, you said it, Mike.
-There's gotta be a better way.
-There is, Kevin!
-Can we please turn this off?
-No way, Kevin!
What if I told you there's
a new product that guarantees...
...you'll never have to open up
milk cartons again?
Meet the Milkmaster 2000!
-lntrigued?
-You're flinging, flanging right l am!
This is the first time he's used this.
You'll see how easy this is to do.
-This works in any milk carton.
-Wow, it is easy!
Now I can have milk every day.
l can't watch this anymore.
You've suffered enough.
We'll change it.
-How many times has this happened?
-There's gotta be a better way!
The One With the Metaphorical Tunnel
lt's official.
There are no good movies.
So let's go to a bad one,
and make out.
Perhaps you'd like me to turn so you
can bunny-bump against my back?
-Hey, man. What's up?
-Maybe you can tell me.
My agent wants to know why l didn't
show up at my audition today...
...my first good one in weeks. How
could you not give me the message?
l'll tell you, l do enjoy guilt...
...but it wasn't me.
Yes, it was.
lt was him!
Okay, it was me!
-How was it you?
-Well, it was all so crazy, you know?
Chandler was in the closet,
counting to 1 0...
...and l hadn't found a place
to hide yet.
l meant to tell you, and l wrote it all
down on my hand. See? All of it.
Yep, that's my audition.
See? Now, this is why l keep
notepads everywhere.
Yep. And that's why we don't
invite you to play.
What is the great tragedy here?
Get yourself another appointment.
Estelle tried. The casting director
told her l missed my chance.
Well, that is unfair!
l'll call her.
l'll tell her it was my fault.
You can't. The casting director
doesn't talk to friends.
-She only talks to agents.
-What a sad little life she must lead.
-What are you doing?
-No, l know, l know.
Hi, this is Caitlin
from Phoebe Buffay's office.
ls Anne there for Phoebe?
She'll know what it's about.
Hang up. Hang up right--
Annie? Hi. Listen, we've got
a problem with Joey Tribbiani.
Apparently, he missed his audition.
Who did you speak to in my office?
Estelle? l don't know
what to do with her.
So your husband leaves and burns down
the apartment. The world doesn't stop.
ls anybody else scared?
lf Joey loses this audition, then
that is it for Estelle. l don't care!
Annie, you are a doll. What time can
you see him? l need a pen. Pen!
Get the woman a pad!
Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
Oh, now you want a pad.
That's funny. Ugly Naked Guy's naked,
but his dog's wearing a sweater.
Hey!
Where's my boy?
Here's my boy!
And here's his Barbie!
What's my boy doing with a Barbie?
He picked it out at the store.
He loves it.
He carries it everywhere,
like a security blanket.
But with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Yeah, it's cute.
Why does he have it again?
So he's got a doll. So what?
Unless you're afraid
he's gonna grow up to be...
...in show business.
This wouldn't have
to do with the fact...
...that he's being raised
by two women?
You know what? lt's fine. lf you're
okay with the Barbie thing, so am l.
Give Daddy the Barbie.
Give me the Barbie.
Don't you wanna play
with a monster truck?
No? Okay.
How about a Dino-Soldier?
You are so pathetic.
Why can't your son
just play with his doll?
l gotta go to work.
Has anybody seen my left boob?
l loved that movie.
Here it is.
What are you doing?
l'm sorry. lt just felt nice.
Answer the phone.
l only got one arm. You should
do stuff for me. Get me a sweater.
Just do it! lt's Janice.
And if l get it, l'll have
to see her tonight.
That's great.
l'll have to see her tonight.
Why don't you want to see Janice?
Last night at dinner,
when the meals came...
...she put half her chicken piccata
on my plate and took all my tomatoes.
And that's bad...
...because you hate chicken piccata?
You didn't want to share your tomatoes.
Tomatoes are very important to you.
Suddenly, we were this ''couple.''
And this alarm started going off
in my head.
''Run for your life!
Get out of the building!''
Men are unbelievable. Janice thought
she was giving you chicken.
She didn't think she was giving you
scary chicken.
What is it with you people?
The minute you feel something,
you have to run away?
l know. That--
That's why l don't want to go tonight.
l'm afraid l'll say something stupid.
You mean that ''guy thing'' where
you act mean and distant...
...until we break up with you?
You know about that?
What do l do?
l wanna get past this.
l don't want to be afraid
of commitment.
l want to go through the tunnel
to the other side!
Where there's no fear of commitment.
Do we have any--
Do we have any thoughts here?
l've never been through
the tunnel myself because...
...you're not allowed through
with more than one girl in the car.
But it seems to me it's pretty much
like anything else. Face your fear.
Fear of heights?
Go to the top of the building.
You're afraid of bugs.
Get a bug.
You have a fear of commitment.
So l say you go in there and you be
the most committed guy there ever was!
Amazingly, that makes sense.
-Do you think?
-Oh, yeah! Go for it, man!
Jump off the high dive!
Stare down the barrel of the gun!
Pee into the wind!
lf l'm staring down
the barrel of a gun...
...l'm gonna be pretty much peeing
every which way.
Listen to this and tell me
what you think.
That's interesting.
-Honey?
-Oh, because it's a beeper.
lt's your audition from this morning!
Can l use the phone?
Sure, that's what it's there for.
Emergencies and pretend agents.
Come on, baby! Come on!
Hi. l have Phoebe Buffay
returning a page.
Okay, she's in her car.
l'll have to patch you through.
Very nice touch.
Okay, go ahead.
Talk, talk, talk!
Hi, Annie?
Fantastic. You got it!
Will he work for scale, you ask me?
Well, l don't know about that.
Except that l do and he will.
Great. Oh, you are such a sweetheart.
l would love to have lunch with you!
How about we have lunch next--
Went through a tunnel.
Unbelievable.
Oh, thank you so much!
lt was really fun. l mean, l've never
talked on a car phone before.
You are so amazing!
Could you do me this huge favor?
There's another audition l want,
and Estelle couldn't get me in.
l don't know.
lt was fun one time, but--
Please? lt would just be
this one more.
-Well, actually it's two.
-Two?
Well, really it's three. Please?
You're so good at it. l love you.
-Okay. But just these three, right?
-No, it's four.
So how come you wanted
to eat in tonight?
Because l wanted...
...to give you this.
Are you a puppy!
Contact paper!
What do you say when someone
you're sleeping with...
...gives you contact paper?
Wait, there's more.
See, the contact paper is to go...
...in your brand new drawer!
See, the drawer actually
goes in my dresser.
-You didn't have to do this.
-Yes, l did.
Yes, l did.
Because you're my girlfriend...
...and that's what girlfriends
should get.
Well, l gotta buy a vowel...
...because, oh, my God!
Who would've thought that someday...
...Chandler Bing would buy me
a drawer?
Well, not me.
But that's what's happened.
And there's more.
We should take a trip.
We should?
We're a couple,
and that's what couples do.
And l wanna meet your parents.
We should take a trip
with your parents!
l don't think we need to because
you're tripping me out right now!
-Are you okay?
-No, l am.
l actually am! This is amazing.
My entire life, l have feared
this place.
And now that l'm here, it's like,
what was the big deal?
l could probably say, ''Let's move in
together,'' and l'd be okay.
You probably want us
to move in together?
-lt doesn't scare me!
-Yeah, well it scares me!
l'm not even divorced yet! You just
invited me over here for pasta...
...and now you're talking
about moving in together.
And l wasn't even that hungry.
You know what? lt's getting really
late, and l should just--
Don't go! l've scared you!
l've said too much!
l'm hopeless and awkward
and desperate for love!
Hey, Janice, it's me.
l wanted to apologize in advance for
having chased you down the street.
Here you go, honey. This will help.
So l catch up to her
and she says...
...this relationship's going too fast
and we have to slow down.
That is never good.
Then l got all...
...needy and clingy.
-You didn't beg, did you?
-l said please.
Was it please with one E
in the middle or lots of E's?
Oh, dear Lord, l begged.
Wait a minute. Maybe it's
not so bad. How did you leave it?
She said she'd call me.
Oh, God.
Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
This ice cream tastes like crap,
by the way.
Yeah, well, it's that
low-cal-nondairy-soymilk junk.
We save the real stuff
for the truly terminal cases.
When you're getting screwed over all
the time, you gotta switch to low fat.
Yeah, you do.
You don't think l'm terminal?
Not at all. You're not terminal.
We just need some damage control.
-Okay. Should l call her?
-No!
Very critical time. lf you feel
yourself reaching for that phone...
...go shopping, get your butt
in a bubble bath.
lf you want her back,
you have got to start acting aloof.
Aloof?
She needs to know you're not needy.
So what you have to do is accidentally
run into her on purpose...
...and then act aloof.
-And then l'll be okay?
-Yeah. l think so.
So l'm not gonna lose her?
Oh, honey, you're not a total loser.
l said, ''So l'm not gonna lose her?''
Guess who's here!
lt's the toughest guy in Toyland, Ben!
Real American hero
I'm G.I. Joe!
Drop the Barbie. Drop the Barbie.
G.l. Joe?
You really think he'll fall for that?
G.l. Joe?
Cool! Can l play?
Look, Ben! lt's a toy that protects
U.S. oil interests overseas!
Go, Joe!
Hello?
-There you are!
-No, it's not. Sorry.
But, Phoebe, wait, wait.
Phoebe!
Oh, Joey! Oh, okay!
See, l didn't recognize you...
...in those pants.
That TV movie l went in for, did you
hear anything? l think l got a shot.
Yes, they called!
You didn't get it!
Okay? l mean, you didn't get it.
l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
That's okay. These things happen.
But they shouldn't happen.
You know what?
You're in a terrible,
terrible business.
l don't want to be the person
who makes you look like that.
l'm okay. See?
Now you're sad and creepy.
l'm sorry. l quit.
No, no, you can't quit!
You're the best agent l ever had.
Rejection is part of being an actor.
You can't take it personal.
They said they'd never met an ltalian
actor with a worse ltalian accent.
They actually said that?
Oh, God, there's that face again.
See? l can't do this job!
This is why you have to do
this job! Agents always lie.
Estelle just says stuff like,
''They went another way.''
But this? l can use this.
l can work on a new accent.
Yeah, okay. lf it
helps you, okay. Yeah.
You'll never get me, Joe!
No, thank you.
-Chandler!
-Hello, Janice.
What are you doing here?
Just a bit of shopping.
How have you been?
Are you being British?
Not anymore.
Why are you shopping here?
You don't live in this neighborhood.
Were you here waiting for me?
l'm just...
...picking up some things for a party.
Barley?
What kind of party serves barley?
l'm sorry if my friends aren't
as sophisticated as yours.
-Where is this party?
-Here in Chelsea.
Whose party is it?
A woman's.
What woman?
Chelsea.
Either you're seeing somebody
behind my back...
...which would make you
the world's biggest jerk...
...or you're pretending
to see somebody...
...which makes you so pathetic
l could cry right here!
So which of these two guys
do you want to be?
Can l be that guy?
Okay, we got some more good
rejections. Lots of stuff to work on.
Okay. Shoot.
-Okay. Oh, the zoo commercial.
-l didn't get it?
No. They said that you
''weren't believable as a human being.''
So you can work on that.
Great.
What else?
The off-Broadway-play people said
that you were ''pretty but dumb.''
Oh, no wait. l'm sorry.
That's ''pretty dumb.''
Look, it's okay, no, no, no.
Really.
Look...
...l really appreciate this...
...but l'm gonna have to
go back to Estelle.
Don't get me wrong.
You're a better agent than she is...
...but at least with her, l don't want
to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Yeah, no, l understand.
You do? Thanks. Okay.
Sorry.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Did you make all that stuff up
to get out of being my agent?
Oh, he caught me.
l am so busted!
That's what l suspected!
And then l just, you know...
...threw the bag of barley at her
and ran out of the store.
My God, Chandler, we said be ''aloof,''
not ''a doof.''
l've actually ruined this, haven't l?
ls it time for the good ice cream now?
-lt's time.
-Yeah, it is.
Everything's gonna be okay.
You know why?
Because you got 65 grams of fat
coming your way.
Hello? Hi, Janice.
Can you hold on for a second?
Okay.
Okay. What do l do?
l don't know.
This is unprecedented.
lf we did what you did,
a man would never call.
l got it! Pretend you just woke up.
That'll throw her off!
-Be sleepy!
-Yes! And grumpy!
What are you--?
Stop naming dwarfs!
Hello, Janice? Hi.
l'm so glad that you called.
l know l've been acting
really weird lately...
...and it's just because
l'm crazy about you...
...and l just got stupid and scared...
...and stupid a couple more times.
And l'm sorry.
Really?
Really?
He's so lucky.
lf Janice were a guy...
...she'd be sleeping
with somebody else by now.
l love you too.
lt's so unfair!
G.l. Joe? G.l. Joe?!
l don't know what to tell you guys.
That's the doll he chose.
What'd you do, dip it in sugar?
Look, G.l. Joe's in, Barbie's out.
And if you guys can't deal with it,
that's just your too bad.
What are you being such a weenie for?
So he has a Barbie. Big deal.
You used to dress up like a woman.
What?
The way you used to dress up
in Mom's clothes?
What are you talking about?
The big hat, the pearls,
the little pink handbag?
Okay. You are totally
making this up.
How can you not remember?
You made us call you ''Bea''?
Oh, God.
l've literally never been this happy.
Wasn't there a little song?
Oh, please, God,
let there be a song.
There was no song.
There was no song.
-I am Bea
-Okay.
-I drink tea--
-That's enough.
Won't you...?
Won't you...?
Won't you...?
Won't you dance around with me?
I am Bea
I drink tea
Won't you dance around with--?
Ross!
[ENGLlSH]
Welcome to Amazing Discoveries!
lt's on again!
Guys, could we please
not watch this?
This ever happen to you?
You go to get a glass of milk...
...but these cartons are so
flinging, flanging hard to open!
Boy, you said it, Mike.
-There's gotta be a better way.
-There is, Kevin!
-Can we please turn this off?
-No way, Kevin!
What if I told you there's
a new product that guarantees...
...you'll never have to open up
milk cartons again?
Meet the Milkmaster 2000!
-lntrigued?
-You're flinging, flanging right l am!
This is the first time he's used this.
You'll see how easy this is to do.
-This works in any milk carton.
-Wow, it is easy!
Now I can have milk every day.
l can't watch this anymore.
You've suffered enough.
We'll change it.
-How many times has this happened?
-There's gotta be a better way!
The One With the Metaphorical Tunnel
lt's official.
There are no good movies.
So let's go to a bad one,
and make out.
Perhaps you'd like me to turn so you
can bunny-bump against my back?
-Hey, man. What's up?
-Maybe you can tell me.
My agent wants to know why l didn't
show up at my audition today...
...my first good one in weeks. How
could you not give me the message?
l'll tell you, l do enjoy guilt...
...but it wasn't me.
Yes, it was.
lt was him!
Okay, it was me!
-How was it you?
-Well, it was all so crazy, you know?
Chandler was in the closet,
counting to 1 0...
...and l hadn't found a place
to hide yet.
l meant to tell you, and l wrote it all
down on my hand. See? All of it.
Yep, that's my audition.
See? Now, this is why l keep
notepads everywhere.
Yep. And that's why we don't
invite you to play.
What is the great tragedy here?
Get yourself another appointment.
Estelle tried. The casting director
told her l missed my chance.
Well, that is unfair!
l'll call her.
l'll tell her it was my fault.
You can't. The casting director
doesn't talk to friends.
-She only talks to agents.
-What a sad little life she must lead.
-What are you doing?
-No, l know, l know.
Hi, this is Caitlin
from Phoebe Buffay's office.
ls Anne there for Phoebe?
She'll know what it's about.
Hang up. Hang up right--
Annie? Hi. Listen, we've got
a problem with Joey Tribbiani.
Apparently, he missed his audition.
Who did you speak to in my office?
Estelle? l don't know
what to do with her.
So your husband leaves and burns down
the apartment. The world doesn't stop.
ls anybody else scared?
lf Joey loses this audition, then
that is it for Estelle. l don't care!
Annie, you are a doll. What time can
you see him? l need a pen. Pen!
Get the woman a pad!
Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
Oh, now you want a pad.
That's funny. Ugly Naked Guy's naked,
but his dog's wearing a sweater.
Hey!
Where's my boy?
Here's my boy!
And here's his Barbie!
What's my boy doing with a Barbie?
He picked it out at the store.
He loves it.
He carries it everywhere,
like a security blanket.
But with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Yeah, it's cute.
Why does he have it again?
So he's got a doll. So what?
Unless you're afraid
he's gonna grow up to be...
...in show business.
This wouldn't have
to do with the fact...
...that he's being raised
by two women?
You know what? lt's fine. lf you're
okay with the Barbie thing, so am l.
Give Daddy the Barbie.
Give me the Barbie.
Don't you wanna play
with a monster truck?
No? Okay.
How about a Dino-Soldier?
You are so pathetic.
Why can't your son
just play with his doll?
l gotta go to work.
Has anybody seen my left boob?
l loved that movie.
Here it is.
What are you doing?
l'm sorry. lt just felt nice.
Answer the phone.
l only got one arm. You should
do stuff for me. Get me a sweater.
Just do it! lt's Janice.
And if l get it, l'll have
to see her tonight.
That's great.
l'll have to see her tonight.
Why don't you want to see Janice?
Last night at dinner,
when the meals came...
...she put half her chicken piccata
on my plate and took all my tomatoes.
And that's bad...
...because you hate chicken piccata?
You didn't want to share your tomatoes.
Tomatoes are very important to you.
Suddenly, we were this ''couple.''
And this alarm started going off
in my head.
''Run for your life!
Get out of the building!''
Men are unbelievable. Janice thought
she was giving you chicken.
She didn't think she was giving you
scary chicken.
What is it with you people?
The minute you feel something,
you have to run away?
l know. That--
That's why l don't want to go tonight.
l'm afraid l'll say something stupid.
You mean that ''guy thing'' where
you act mean and distant...
...until we break up with you?
You know about that?
What do l do?
l wanna get past this.
l don't want to be afraid
of commitment.
l want to go through the tunnel
to the other side!
Where there's no fear of commitment.
Do we have any--
Do we have any thoughts here?
l've never been through
the tunnel myself because...
...you're not allowed through
with more than one girl in the car.
But it seems to me it's pretty much
like anything else. Face your fear.
Fear of heights?
Go to the top of the building.
You're afraid of bugs.
Get a bug.
You have a fear of commitment.
So l say you go in there and you be
the most committed guy there ever was!
Amazingly, that makes sense.
-Do you think?
-Oh, yeah! Go for it, man!
Jump off the high dive!
Stare down the barrel of the gun!
Pee into the wind!
lf l'm staring down
the barrel of a gun...
...l'm gonna be pretty much peeing
every which way.
Listen to this and tell me
what you think.
That's interesting.
-Honey?
-Oh, because it's a beeper.
lt's your audition from this morning!
Can l use the phone?
Sure, that's what it's there for.
Emergencies and pretend agents.
Come on, baby! Come on!
Hi. l have Phoebe Buffay
returning a page.
Okay, she's in her car.
l'll have to patch you through.
Very nice touch.
Okay, go ahead.
Talk, talk, talk!
Hi, Annie?
Fantastic. You got it!
Will he work for scale, you ask me?
Well, l don't know about that.
Except that l do and he will.
Great. Oh, you are such a sweetheart.
l would love to have lunch with you!
How about we have lunch next--
Went through a tunnel.
Unbelievable.
Oh, thank you so much!
lt was really fun. l mean, l've never
talked on a car phone before.
You are so amazing!
Could you do me this huge favor?
There's another audition l want,
and Estelle couldn't get me in.
l don't know.
lt was fun one time, but--
Please? lt would just be
this one more.
-Well, actually it's two.
-Two?
Well, really it's three. Please?
You're so good at it. l love you.
-Okay. But just these three, right?
-No, it's four.
So how come you wanted
to eat in tonight?
Because l wanted...
...to give you this.
Are you a puppy!
Contact paper!
What do you say when someone
you're sleeping with...
...gives you contact paper?
Wait, there's more.
See, the contact paper is to go...
...in your brand new drawer!
See, the drawer actually
goes in my dresser.
-You didn't have to do this.
-Yes, l did.
Yes, l did.
Because you're my girlfriend...
...and that's what girlfriends
should get.
Well, l gotta buy a vowel...
...because, oh, my God!
Who would've thought that someday...
...Chandler Bing would buy me
a drawer?
Well, not me.
But that's what's happened.
And there's more.
We should take a trip.
We should?
We're a couple,
and that's what couples do.
And l wanna meet your parents.
We should take a trip
with your parents!
l don't think we need to because
you're tripping me out right now!
-Are you okay?
-No, l am.
l actually am! This is amazing.
My entire life, l have feared
this place.
And now that l'm here, it's like,
what was the big deal?
l could probably say, ''Let's move in
together,'' and l'd be okay.
You probably want us
to move in together?
-lt doesn't scare me!
-Yeah, well it scares me!
l'm not even divorced yet! You just
invited me over here for pasta...
...and now you're talking
about moving in together.
And l wasn't even that hungry.
You know what? lt's getting really
late, and l should just--
Don't go! l've scared you!
l've said too much!
l'm hopeless and awkward
and desperate for love!
Hey, Janice, it's me.
l wanted to apologize in advance for
having chased you down the street.
Here you go, honey. This will help.
So l catch up to her
and she says...
...this relationship's going too fast
and we have to slow down.
That is never good.
Then l got all...
...needy and clingy.
-You didn't beg, did you?
-l said please.
Was it please with one E
in the middle or lots of E's?
Oh, dear Lord, l begged.
Wait a minute. Maybe it's
not so bad. How did you leave it?
She said she'd call me.
Oh, God.
Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
This ice cream tastes like crap,
by the way.
Yeah, well, it's that
low-cal-nondairy-soymilk junk.
We save the real stuff
for the truly terminal cases.
When you're getting screwed over all
the time, you gotta switch to low fat.
Yeah, you do.
You don't think l'm terminal?
Not at all. You're not terminal.
We just need some damage control.
-Okay. Should l call her?
-No!
Very critical time. lf you feel
yourself reaching for that phone...
...go shopping, get your butt
in a bubble bath.
lf you want her back,
you have got to start acting aloof.
Aloof?
She needs to know you're not needy.
So what you have to do is accidentally
run into her on purpose...
...and then act aloof.
-And then l'll be okay?
-Yeah. l think so.
So l'm not gonna lose her?
Oh, honey, you're not a total loser.
l said, ''So l'm not gonna lose her?''
Guess who's here!
lt's the toughest guy in Toyland, Ben!
Real American hero
I'm G.I. Joe!
Drop the Barbie. Drop the Barbie.
G.l. Joe?
You really think he'll fall for that?
G.l. Joe?
Cool! Can l play?
Look, Ben! lt's a toy that protects
U.S. oil interests overseas!
Go, Joe!
Hello?
-There you are!
-No, it's not. Sorry.
But, Phoebe, wait, wait.
Phoebe!
Oh, Joey! Oh, okay!
See, l didn't recognize you...
...in those pants.
That TV movie l went in for, did you
hear anything? l think l got a shot.
Yes, they called!
You didn't get it!
Okay? l mean, you didn't get it.
l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
That's okay. These things happen.
But they shouldn't happen.
You know what?
You're in a terrible,
terrible business.
l don't want to be the person
who makes you look like that.
l'm okay. See?
Now you're sad and creepy.
l'm sorry. l quit.
No, no, you can't quit!
You're the best agent l ever had.
Rejection is part of being an actor.
You can't take it personal.
They said they'd never met an ltalian
actor with a worse ltalian accent.
They actually said that?
Oh, God, there's that face again.
See? l can't do this job!
This is why you have to do
this job! Agents always lie.
Estelle just says stuff like,
''They went another way.''
But this? l can use this.
l can work on a new accent.
Yeah, okay. lf it
helps you, okay. Yeah.
You'll never get me, Joe!
No, thank you.
-Chandler!
-Hello, Janice.
What are you doing here?
Just a bit of shopping.
How have you been?
Are you being British?
Not anymore.
Why are you shopping here?
You don't live in this neighborhood.
Were you here waiting for me?
l'm just...
...picking up some things for a party.
Barley?
What kind of party serves barley?
l'm sorry if my friends aren't
as sophisticated as yours.
-Where is this party?
-Here in Chelsea.
Whose party is it?
A woman's.
What woman?
Chelsea.
Either you're seeing somebody
behind my back...
...which would make you
the world's biggest jerk...
...or you're pretending
to see somebody...
...which makes you so pathetic
l could cry right here!
So which of these two guys
do you want to be?
Can l be that guy?
Okay, we got some more good
rejections. Lots of stuff to work on.
Okay. Shoot.
-Okay. Oh, the zoo commercial.
-l didn't get it?
No. They said that you
''weren't believable as a human being.''
So you can work on that.
Great.
What else?
The off-Broadway-play people said
that you were ''pretty but dumb.''
Oh, no wait. l'm sorry.
That's ''pretty dumb.''
Look, it's okay, no, no, no.
Really.
Look...
...l really appreciate this...
...but l'm gonna have to
go back to Estelle.
Don't get me wrong.
You're a better agent than she is...
...but at least with her, l don't want
to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Yeah, no, l understand.
You do? Thanks. Okay.
Sorry.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Did you make all that stuff up
to get out of being my agent?
Oh, he caught me.
l am so busted!
That's what l suspected!
And then l just, you know...
...threw the bag of barley at her
and ran out of the store.
My God, Chandler, we said be ''aloof,''
not ''a doof.''
l've actually ruined this, haven't l?
ls it time for the good ice cream now?
-lt's time.
-Yeah, it is.
Everything's gonna be okay.
You know why?
Because you got 65 grams of fat
coming your way.
Hello? Hi, Janice.
Can you hold on for a second?
Okay.
Okay. What do l do?
l don't know.
This is unprecedented.
lf we did what you did,
a man would never call.
l got it! Pretend you just woke up.
That'll throw her off!
-Be sleepy!
-Yes! And grumpy!
What are you--?
Stop naming dwarfs!
Hello, Janice? Hi.
l'm so glad that you called.
l know l've been acting
really weird lately...
...and it's just because
l'm crazy about you...
...and l just got stupid and scared...
...and stupid a couple more times.
And l'm sorry.
Really?
Really?
He's so lucky.
lf Janice were a guy...
...she'd be sleeping
with somebody else by now.
l love you too.
lt's so unfair!
G.l. Joe? G.l. Joe?!
l don't know what to tell you guys.
That's the doll he chose.
What'd you do, dip it in sugar?
Look, G.l. Joe's in, Barbie's out.
And if you guys can't deal with it,
that's just your too bad.
What are you being such a weenie for?
So he has a Barbie. Big deal.
You used to dress up like a woman.
What?
The way you used to dress up
in Mom's clothes?
What are you talking about?
The big hat, the pearls,
the little pink handbag?
Okay. You are totally
making this up.
How can you not remember?
You made us call you ''Bea''?
Oh, God.
l've literally never been this happy.
Wasn't there a little song?
Oh, please, God,
let there be a song.
There was no song.
There was no song.
-I am Bea
-Okay.
-I drink tea--
-That's enough.
Won't you...?
Won't you...?
Won't you...?
Won't you dance around with me?
I am Bea
I drink tea
Won't you dance around with--?
Ross!
[ENGLlSH]