Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 3 - The One with the Jam - full transcript

See, Joe, that's why your parents
told you not to jump on the bed!

The One With the Jam

Hey, look at me!
I'm making jam!

- I've been at it since 4 a.m.
- Where'd you get fruit at 4 a.m.?

Went down to the docks. Betcha
didn't know you can get it wholesale.

I didn't know there were docks.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Is it broken?

No, but I gotta wear this
for a couple weeks.

Did you tell the doctor you did it
jumping up and down on your bed?

No. I had a whole story
worked out, but then...



...Chandler sold me out.

I'm sorry, Joe. I didn't think
the doctor was gonna buy...

...that it just fell out of the socket.

What is this? Fruit?

Monica's making jam.

Oh, jam? I love jam! Hey, how come
we never have jam at our place?

Because the kids need new shoes.

I'm going into business. I'm sick and
tired of being depressed about Richard.

I needed a plan.
A plan to get over my man.

What's the opposite of man? Jam!

Oh, Joey, don't! It's way too hot!

This'll just be my batch.

That's it. No.

Hey, you, J. Crew guy...



Why have you been following me?

All week long,
everywhere I look, there's you.

You wouldn't return my calls.

- You sent back my letters.
- What?

One more chance, Ursula. Please.

Oh, well, this is awkward.

Yeah, because you want Ursula,
and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters.

Seriously.

That's great.
I'm stalking the wrong woman.

I am such a dingus!

Oh, you're not a dingus.

I just want you to know
I didn't used to be like this.

Before I met your sister,
I was like this normal guy...

...who sold beepers
and cellular phones.

I mean, look,
it's not your fault, you know.

I mean, this is just what she
does to guys, okay? So just...

Well, thanks.

Wait. You know what?
I got a little story.

When I was in junior high, I went through
a period where I thought I was a witch.

And there was this guidance
counselor who...

...said something that
I think will help you a lot.

He said, "Okay, you're not a witch.
You're just an average student."

- See what I'm saying?
- Not really.

Well, get over it.

So... I mean, you just, you seem like
a really nice guy. You know, and just...

Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?

You're right. I know you're right.
And thanks for being so nice.

Here.

Thanks a lot.

Do you want to get a cup of coffee?

- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.

You don't have
to walk behind me anymore.

- Mon?
- Mon?

"Gone for more jars. Back later.
Monica Geller."

- Wait a minute. Look!
- What?

- Look. Look. Look.
- What? What? What?

It's an empty apartment.

We're all alone
in an empty apartment.

Oh, honey, come on. I have
to be at work in, like, ten minutes.

All right. Well, it's not like
I'm employee of the year or anything.

There it is!

Oh, that's what you're talking about.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Do I look fat?

- No.
- No.

Okay. I accept that.

When Janice asked me and I said no,
she took that to mean...

...that I was calling her a cow.

Okay. Walk us through it, honey.
Walk us through it.

Okay, well, Janice said, "Hi. Do I look
fat today?" And I looked at her...

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You looked at her?

You never look.

You just answer. It's like a reflex.
"Do I look fat?" "No."

"Is she prettier than I am?"
"No."

- Does size matter?
- No!

And it works both ways.

Okay, so you both
just know this stuff?

You know, after about 30 or 40 fights,
you kind of catch on.

Okay. For instance:

Let's say, Janice is coming back from
a trip and she gives you two options.

Option number one: She'll take
a cab home from the airport.

Or option two: You can meet her
at baggage claim. What do you do?

- That's easy. Baggage claim.
- Wrong! Now you're single.

It's actually secret
option number three.

You meet her at the gate.
That way she knows you love her.

Okay, this is good.

All right, listen. I have one.
Janice likes to cuddle...

...at night,
which I'm all for.

But when you want to go to sleep,
you want some space.

So how do I tell her that without...

...you know, accidentally
calling her fat or something?

Oh, honey. I'm sorry. We can't help you
there, because we're cuddly sleepers.

Okay. I'm late for work. All right.
Are you guys going to come down?

- Yeah. I'm right behind you.
- Okay. Good luck, Chandler.

- Thank you.
- Bye, sweetie.

Bye, honey.

Okay, the sleeping thing.

Very tricky business,
but there is something you can do.

- I thought you were "cuddly sleepers."
- No.

No. Not cuddly.
Not me. Just her.

I'm like you.
I need the room.

Okay, come here.

- Okay. You're in bed.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna use the cushion.
- Yeah.

Okay. You're in bed.
She's over on your side, cuddling.

Now, you wait for her to drift off...

...and then you hug her...

...and roll her over
to her side of the bed.

And then you...

...roll away.

Hug for her.

Roll for you.

Okay. The old "hug and roll."

- Okay. One question.
- Shoot.

You're pretending
the pillow's a girl, right?

Remember when you were a kid and your
mom would drop you off at the movies...

...with a jar of jam
and a little spoon?

You're so pretty.

- Hi!
- Hey, Phoebe!

Hey, you know that guy who's been
following me? I talked to him today.

You talked to him?

Are you crazy?

Okay. First, I'm not crazy.
And second, say it, don't spray it.

Anyway, his name is Malcolm,
and he wasn't following me.

I mean, he was, but just
because he thought I was Ursula.

That's why he couldn't just
come up and talk to me.

Because of the restraining order.

Not feeling better about Malcolm.

No, no, no. He's not a kook.

He's just this, like, very passionate,
incredibly romantic guy...

...that just got, like, a teensy bit
carried away, you know.

And we just get along really well,
and he is so cute.

Oh, my God! You've got a crush
on your sister's stalker.

I'm just going to help him.
You know. Get de-Ursula-ized.

Like, you know. Like I did for Joey
after he went out with her.

I didn't stalk her, I mean...

- I asked for the news, not the weather.
- Sorry.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Mon.

Joey, this is for you.
It's blackberry currant.

Joe, I got to ask.

The girl from the Xerox place,
buck naked...

...or a big tub of jam?

Put your hands together.

Joey, take your time with that.
That's my last batch.

No more jam?

Well, what happened
to your jam plan?

I figured out I'd need to charge
17 bucks a jar just to break even.

So I've got a new plan now.
Babies.

Well, you're gonna
need much bigger jars.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about me having a baby.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

The great thing about the jam plan
was I was taking control of my life.

So I asked myself, "What is the most
important thing to me in the world?"

And that's when I came up
with the baby plan.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What is that guy's name?
Dad!

It took me 28 years to find one man
that I wanted to spend my life with.

If I have to wait another 28 years,
then I'll be 56 before I can have a baby.

And that's just stupid.

That's what's stupid?

I don't need an actual man.
Just a couple of his best swimmers.

And there are places that
you can go to get that stuff.

Down to the docks again?

Night-night, Bing-a-ling.

Night-night...

...Janice.

Look at all that room on her side!

You could fit a giant
penguin over there.

That'd be weird, though.

Hug and roll time.

I'm hugging. I'm hugging.

You're rolling, and...

Yes! Freedom!

Except for this arm!

I'm stuck. Stuck arm.

Okay. Time for the old tablecloth
trick. One fluid motion.

Quick like a cat. Quick like a cat.

And one, two...

...three!

Here's my binoculars.

Great. You're doing great, you know.
Real strong. Going strong. Keep going.

These are my night-vision goggles.

This is the book I pretend to read
when I'm watching her in the park.

And these are Mad Libs.
They're just for fun.

What's this?

This is the log I kept,
recording her every movement.

You want to hear something from it?

Not even a little bit.

It's about you.

Oh. Okay, then.

"I met Phoebe today.

She was really nice to me
even though I'm such a loser.

And when I was walking home,
I thought about her a lot.

It was weird, but kind of cool."

Good.

So, what were you thinking?

I was thinking what
it'd be like to kiss you.

- Really?
- No.

See, that's just something I said now
so that maybe I could kiss you.

Oh, okay.

No, it's all right.
I just had a jar of mustard.

Okay. Sperm donor number 03815,
come on down!

Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds.

And he describes himself
as a male Geena Davis.

You mean there's
more than one of us?

You can't do this, Mon.
All right. If you do this, I'm gonna...

- You're gonna what?
- I'm gonna tell Mom.

Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right.
I love you, but you're crazy.

Why? Why is this crazy?

- So this isn't the ideal way...
- Oh, it's not the ideal...?

Lips moving. Still talking.

It may not be ideal, but...

...I'm so ready.

I see the way
Ben looks at you.

It makes me ache, you know?

Check it out! Jam crackers!

Okay. All right, how's this?

Twenty-seven, Italian-American guy.

He's an actor.

Born in Queens.

Wow! Big family.
Seven sisters...

...and he's the only boy.

Oh, my God! Under personal comments:
"New York Knicks rule."

Yeah, the Knicks rule!

Joey, this is you!

Let me see.

Oh, right.

When did you go to a sperm bank?

Oh, right after I did
that sex study down at NYU.

Hey, remember that sweater
I gave you for your birthday?

And that's how you bought it?

No. That's what I was wearing
when I donated.

I'm kind of surprised there's
any of my boys left.

Honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean,
I've got an actual rocket scientist here.

Maybe I should call this place
and get them...

...to put my Days of our Lives
gig on here.

Juice this puppy up a little.

- Hey.
- Hey!

How's the maniac?

He's yummy.
We did a little kissing.

- Phoebe, what are you doing?
- Oh, no.

No. No. You know what? He's not into
that stuff anymore. He quit for me.

This guy has been obsessed with your
sister for God knows how long, okay.

You don't just give up
something like that.

So look, he gave me his night-vision
goggles and everything. So...

You're taking the word of a guy
who has night-vision goggles?

What? He's not still following her.
You think he's still following her?

Pheebs. Wake up and smell
the restraining order.

What are you saying I should do?

I think that if you really like this
guy, you should just trust him.

Thank you, Monica.

Or you could follow him
and see where he goes.

Oh, that's what I would do.
Forget mine.

Oh, my God! What happened?

Oh, God. Crazy Chandler.
He spun me off the bed.

Wow! Spinning.
That sounds like fun.

I wish.

No. You know, he was just
trying Ross' "hug and roll" thing.

Ross' what?

You know. Like where he hugs you
and then kind of rolls you away, and...

Oh...

...my...

...God!

- Phoebe?
- Yes? Yes!

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just here
looking for my...

Part of an old sandwich.
Here it is!

Were you following me?

Perhaps.

Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I was just afraid that you
were still hung up on my sister.

So you spied on me.

I can't believe
you don't trust me.

Oh, well, what do you know?
There goes my identical twin sister!

Just walking along, looking like me.

Well, is this like a freakish coincidence,
or did you know that she takes this train?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I tried to stop, but I couldn't.

I'm so pathetic.

No. No, it's not your fault.
You know, it's partly my fault.

It's 'cause I made
you quit cold turkey.

Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you
anymore because you're, you know...

Wow!

But I will definitely, definitely
help you get over my sister. Okay?

Stalk me for a while, huh?

Yeah, and I'll be like an Ursula patch.

- I don't know.
- Yeah! Just...

Okay. Look, I'm going!

Come on.

I'm behind the pillar.
Which way am I gonna go?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Where you going?
- To the bank.

Sperm or regular?

Sperm.

- So you're really doing it, huh?
- Oh, yeah. I picked a guy. 37135.

Sounds nice.

I'd say so. He's got
brown hair and green eyes.

No kidding?

- What?
- I figured you would have picked a blond.

- Really? Why?
- I don't know.

I always pictured you ending up with a
tall, smart, blond guy with a name like...

...Hoyt.

Hoyt?

It's a name. Yeah.

I saw you in this, you know,
this great house with a big pool.

Yeah? Is he a swimmer?

He's got the body for it.

I like that.

What?

You have one of those signs that says:

"We don't swim in your toilet,
so don't pee in our pool." You know.

- We do not have one of those signs.
- Sure, you do. It was a gift from me.

Oh! And you have these three great kids.

- Two girls and a boy?
- Yeah!

And they wear those little water wings,
you know...

...and they're running around
on the deck.

And then Hoyt wraps this big towel
around all three of them.

Sure.

But, hey, you know,
this way sounds good too.

Yeah.

Oh, Monica.

Wow! This guy's an astronaut?

That would have been cool...

...for like a day.

She'll be back at 5.

Five!

I called the sperm bank today.

They haven't sold a single unit
of Tribbiani.

Nobody wants my product.

I mean, I don't get it, you know.

I mean...

Maybe if they met me in person.

Honey, you got a little thing on your...

Get it?

Yeah.

Hello.

Hello.

Okay.

Chan, can I talk to you
for a second?

Sure. What's up?

Just one additional
relationship thought.

Something you're probably
already familiar with.

Women talk.