Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 25 - The One at the Beach - full transcript

So, uh, your first sexual experience
was with a woman?

All right, I was 15.
It was my best friend, Ruth...

...and we got drunk on that hard cider.

And then suddenly, I don't know,
we were making out.

Tell it again.

Seriously.

Is that woman capable of talking
about anything else but sex?

Yeah, sure. Well, you know, earlier,
she was talking about geography.

Joey, she was listing the countries
she's done it in.

Well, I think we all learned something.

Hey, you guys. Look what I found.
Look at this.



That's my mom's writing. Look.

"Me and Frank and Phoebe,
graduation, 1965."

- Do you know what that means?
- That you're actually 50?

No, no. That's not "me" Phoebe.
That's her pal, Phoebe.

According to her high school yearbook,
they were BFF.

- Best friends forever.
BOTH Oh.

- That's great.
- That is so cool.

I know. So this woman probably could...

Like, has all kinds of stories
about my parents.

And she might even know
where my dad is.

So I looked her up
and she lives by the beach.

So maybe this weekend
we can go to the beach.

Yeah, we can.
Yeah.

- Shoot, I can't go. I have to work.
- That's too bad.



Aw, big fat bummer.

So great. Okay, tomorrow
we're gonna drive out to Montauk.

Hey, Bonnie had sex there.

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Would you look at them?

I'm never gonna find a boyfriend again.

I'm gonna die an old maid.

You're not gonna die an old maid.

Maybe an old spinster cook.

- Thanks.
- Hey, besides, worse comes to worse...

...I'll be your boyfriend.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, right.

Why is that so funny?

You made a joke, right?

So I laughed.

A little too hard.

What, am I not, uh, boyfriend material?

No. You're Chandler.

You know. Chandler.

Okay, so we've established my name,
and hit me.

But theoretically, say we weren't friends.
Say it's a blind date.

I show up at your door and I'm,
like, uh:

"Hey, nice to meet you. Hey. Hey. "

I'd probably be scared of a guy
using a fake voice.

Hey.
- Oh, hey. Oh, good. You bought food.

No, just my luggage.

Hey.
Hey, guys.

All right. Yeah.

Oh, I am having
the best karma this week.

First, I find this woman
who knew my parents...

...and then my client with the fuzzy back
gives me his beach house.

What about that, uh,
bike messenger you hit?

Oh, I wasn't talking about his karma.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey, check out the hat.

Wait a minute, I know that hat.

I was taken aboard that hat.

They did experiments on me.

I can't have children.

Seriously, where did you get the hat?

Ross gave it to me.

- Aw, I think she looks good.
- Thank you.

Did he buy it for you...

...or win it for you?

Well, excuse me,
my fashion-impaired friends...

...I'm here to tell you that hats are back.

And this time, they've ganged up
and formed one giant super-hat.

Go, go, go.

Now everybody
wants to be under the hat.

Oy.

What's with all this sand?

Oh, yeah. Bob said
there might be flood damage.

Either that or he has a really big cat.

Well, yes, it's kind of an unusual house.

It has, um, three beautiful bedrooms
and, uh, no baths.

But, you know, the ocean is right there.

Knock, knock, knock.

Hang on a second. Come in, come in.

All right, so think about it
and call me back.

- Are you Phoebe Abbott?
- Uh, yes.

Surprise, Phoebe Abbott.
I'm your best friend's daughter.

You're Irwin's daughter?

I know. I mean, your old best friend.
Here.

- Lily? From high school? Remember?
- Oh, God. Lily. Yes.

Of course I remember Lily.

I... Then you must be...

Phoebe, Phoebe.

Phoebe, yeah.
She named me after you, I guess.

Uh-huh. Wow. Well. Look, there's Frank.

Yeah. Yes. Yes, yes.

- That's my dad. That's Frank. Ha, ha.
- Oh!

- I'm sorry I'm getting all flingy.
- Oh!

Take it easy. If you want,
there's cookies on the counter.

- Or sangria. I could make sangria.
- No, no.

- Sorry. Cookies are good, thanks.
- Oh.

So, um, anyway, um,
I've been looking for my father and, um...

- Have you heard from him or seen him?
- Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I guess I lost track of everybody
after high school.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, so tell me everything
about my parents. Everything.

Oh, well, you know,
we were always together.

The other kids had a nickname
for the three of us.

- Oh, what? What was it?
- The Three Losers.

Oh, poor Lily.

Oh.

You know, I heard about what happened.
That must have been just terrible for you...

...losing your mother that way.

Yeah, no, it was great.

You know what a really good
rainy-day game is?

- What?
- I mean, naked game.

Strip poker. We should play strip poker.

- No.
- Are you crazy?

Come on. When you go away,
you have to play. It's, like, a law.

- All done.
- Aw, thank you.

Okay. Who's next?

No.

No way.

Come on, please. I'm bored.
You let me do it once before.

Yeah, well, if, uh...
If that's the rule this weekend...

- Get away.
Take it like a man, Ross. Come on.

No, no.
Oh, come on.

Big bullies.

No, no, no.

Hey.
Hey.

Oh. So how are we doing?

Bored and bored.

Hey, you know what naked card game's
never boring?

No.

So, what's Phoebe like?

I'm kind, caring and sweet.
What's Monica like? Ha, ha.

Uh, no, the other Phoebe.
The one you went to see?

Oh, I think she knows
where my dad is.

- What?
- Cool.

Well, where is he?

She was pretending
like she hasn't heard from him in years...

...but I found this picture on her fridge.

Look, isn't this what he would
look like now?

- Totally familiar.
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Why would she lie to you?

I don't know,
but we're having dinner tomorrow.

I figured she's gonna tell me then.

You know, maybe she just wanted
to give him time...

...to buy me presents. I don't know.
Ha, ha.

- So you're all bored?
Yes.

All right, I'm gonna close my eyes
and point to someone.

And whoever I point to has to come up with
something fun to do. And we have to do it.

- Okay. All right. Fan out. Fan out.
- Okay.

Okay.

Ooh, you know, we could just do this.

Okay, um...

We all have to play strip poker?

Oh, yes!

Strip Happy Days game?

Yeah, well, I couldn't find any cards,
so it was either this...

...or Strip Bag-of-Old-Knitting-Stuff.

Done.

Okay.

"Fonzie gives you two thumbs up.
Collect two cool points. "

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Get five cool points, you get to make
someone take off one item of clothing.

It hasn't happened yet,
but we're all very excited.

Okay, come on.

Daddy needs a new pair
of electromagnetic microscopes...

...for the Prehistoric Forensics
department.

Okay. "Take Pinky Tuscadero
up to Inspiration Point.

Collect three cool points. " Yeah.

Which gives me five.

And let's see,
who is gonna lose their clothes?

Um, I think I pick our strip poker
sponsor, Mr. Joey Tribbiani.

All right, relax. It's just a shoe.

"Your band is playing at Arnold's.
Collect three cool points. "

Which means I have five,
and that means I get Joey's boxers.

Fine. Gang up on me.

I got you all right where I want you.

Come on. Take them off.

Actually, you know, it's kind of cold.

So how about I keep my boxers on
and give you all a peek at the good stuff?

All right,
I'm gonna make more margaritas.

Whoa, hey, what are you doing?
Trying to get me drunk?

I'm just making margaritas.

Think I'll help her out.

- What is going on here?
- What?

- You're painting his toenails.
- Oh, come on.

Chasing him around the room.
- Monica, please.

He's totally flirting with you too.

He is, isn't he?

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it's just
being here at the beach together...

...or but it's like something...

Hey.

Hi, Bonnie.
- Hi.

My boss let me off early,
so I took the train.

- Oh.
- What are you guys doing?

We're playing Strip Happy Days game.

Cool. I'll catch up.

So you still don't think...

...I'm boyfriend material?

Huh?

Saw you checking me out
during the game last night.

- You didn't even take off your pants.
- Yeah, well, lucky for you.

- What?
- I don't know.

Well, is everybody else having
just the best time?

Shh. Shh.

Joey's asleep.

After he passed out, we put sand
around him to keep him warm.

Well, I assume the, uh, happy couple
isn't up yet?

Did you guys hear them last night?

Oh, yeah. I don't know
what they were doing...

...but sea turtles actually came up
to the house.

- Good morning.
Hey.

- How'd everybody sleep?
- Great.

Like a log.

Us too.

I'm going for a walk.

Good morning. Nice breasts, by the way.

Hey, what happened to you?

Oh, uh, nothing. I just felt like
hanging out here and reading.

Oh, the water was so great.

We jumped off this pier
and my suit came off.

Oh. Sorry I missed that.

Joey and Chandler sure are funny.

Oh, ha, ha.

I think I brought back half the beach
in my hair.

It was so much easier
when I used to shave my head.

You know, I gotta tell you...

...I just loved your look
when you were bald.

- Really?
- Oh.

Because I think about shaving it
all off again sometimes.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, you definitely should do that.

- You know what? I should do it.
- Yeah.

You know what? Thank you, Rachel.
You are so cool.

Oh, stop. Go on.

- Now, go shave that head.
All right.

What's the matter, Pheebs?

She canceled.
My namesake canceled on me.

What?
- She claims she had to go out of town.

She's avoiding me.

She doesn't want to tell me
where my father is.

She knows and she won't tell.

Aw, Pheebs, that sucks.

Yeah, well, don't
"Aw, Pheebs, that sucks" me yet.

- Where are you going?
- Well, she's out of town.

So there's gotta be something in her house
that tells me where my father is.

Uh, Pheebs, some people call that
"breaking and entering. "

- Well, are any of those people here?
Oh, no.

Okay. Look, I'll do something nice,
okay?

I'll fill her ice trays. Good?

Hey, everybody.

Wow. Wow!

Ha, look what you did.

- You wanna touch it?
- No, but it's great.

Come on, touch it.

Okay.

You can feel all the bones
in your skull.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I was having a little chat with Bonnie,
and, uh, guess what.

She happened to bring up, you know...

...who was behind the whole, um,
head-shaving idea.

And now, who was it? Oh, that's right.
That's right, it was you.

That was her idea.

I just gave her a nudge.

She said you gave her the razor.

- Yo.
- Hey.

So anyone up for a midnight dip
in the ocean?

- Uh, no, I'm good.
No, thanks.

- Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
- Okay, have fun. Bye.

Come on, see?
She doesn't look that bad.

You can see the moonlight
bouncing off her head.

- What the hell were you thinking?
- I don't know.

You don't know?
Rach, you balded my girlfriend.

All right. Ross.

Do you think it's easy for me
to see you with somebody else?

You know what?
You're the one who ended it.

Yeah, because I was mad at you.
Not because I stopped loving you.

- You still love me?
- No.

You still love me.

Yeah, so? You love me.

No... Mm.

What does this mean? What do you...?

I mean, do you want
to get back together?

No. Maybe.

I don't know.

Ross...

I still can't forgive you for what you did.

I just... But sometimes when I'm with you,
I just feel so...

What?

I just... I feel...

- I just...
- What?

I feel...

No. I don't care.

I'm not playing one-on-one strip poker
with you for practice.

But I made cards.

Well.

Good night.

I'm going upstairs.

Good night.
Night.

Wanna play strip poker for practice?

Ow.

My ass.

Okay.

Okay, good.

Ooh. Shh.

Shh, shh.

Shh.

- Aah!
- No! Oh, it's me. It's me.

- I didn't wanna make any noise.
- Then don't break in.

- I'm sorry.
- What are you doing here?

I came to fill your ice-cube tray.

What?

Um, okay.

Okay, look. Huh. Ahem.

I took this picture from your fridge, okay?
Because I know that this is my father.

Yeah, this is Frank Buffay, and you
were standing right there next to him.

Now, look, I deserve to know
where I came from.

All right? So if you can help me
find my father, then you should.

Otherwise, you're just mean.

So just tell me the truth.

All right.

The man in that picture
is Chuck Mangione.

My father is Chuck Mangione?

No, no. That's just Chuck Mangione.

I sold him a house last year.

And I'm very sorry, but I really don't
know where your father is.

And that's the truth.

Oh.

But, um, you're right.

I think that a person should know
where they come from.

Which is why I, uh...

Uh...

Okay...

I'm your mother.

Huh?

You know, I wanted to tell you yesterday,
but I just...

I felt all floopy, and...

I'm telling you.
You guys are getting back together.

That's not true.
She doesn't even know what she wants.

Rachel's still mad about the whole thing.

Okay, well, then you gotta back away.
You don't need that kind of hurt.

Take it from a guy who's...

...never had a long-term relationship.

I know, but I really want to go
up there and finish that kiss.

Hey.
- Aah.

You guys, the water is great.
You should really go in.

Oh, uh, no, thanks. I just had an M&M.

Okay. Well, good night.

Good night.

- Don't be too long.
- Okey-dokey.

There is not one hair on that head.

Hey, it'll grow back, right?
And she's really fun, and she's cool.

And I'm finally moving on.

I mean, getting over Rachel
was so, ugh, you know?

You know, I'm finally feeling sane again.
And now if I go up there...

...and I kiss her and...

God, I want to kiss her.

And it doesn't work out, right?

Do I really wanna put myself
through that again?

So let me get this straight.

If you go with Bonnie tonight...

...you're doing the smart,
healthy thing and moving on.

- Yeah.
- Right?

And if you go with Rachel,
Bonnie's free tonight?

Hi.

Hi there.

That's that weird voice again.

Let me try it again.

You're gonna wanna date this next guy,
I swear. Okay, come on.

Hi, I'm Dorf.

Your date for the evening.

Oh, come on. Dorf on dating?
That's good stuff.

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