Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 24 - The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion - full transcript

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Do you think there's a town
in Missouri or someplace...

...called Sample?

And as you're driving into the town,
there's a sign and it says:

"You're in Sample."

MONICA: Hey.
ALL: Hey.

RACHEL: How did it go with Pete?
ROSS: Tell us.

You're not gonna believe this.
So I go...

I'm sorry. Excuse us.

- It's a little crowded. Do you mind?
- Could you skooch?

TIM:
Move over just a little bit.

Keep on skooching.



Thank you.

So, guys, listen.
I go over there and, you know, I'm...

TOMAS:
Why? What is wrong with me?

- What's the matter?
- Tim...

...I have a feeling...

...my wife is sleeping
with her gynecologist.

How do you know?

- He's got access.
- I know.

It's a feeling you get.

Like when you're in
somebody else's bowling shoes?

That's the one.

- So you went to Pete's.
- What happened?

TOMAS:
Why is this happening to me?

Maybe it's my wound.



Forget it.

It's not healed yet?

It's oozing!

Would you pass the cream?
There's the cream.

Thank you very much.

Tomas, this is gonna be hard,
but I wanted it to come from me.

- What is it?
- I've been sleeping with your wife.

You're the gynecologist?

I'm trying to have
a private conversation.

Can I have a napkin?
Could you please hand me a napkin?

Just give me the thing, all right?

Enough!

And you are no longer my friend!

We are finished! Nada! No more!

You are a bastard for doing that!

Stay away from me!

TIM:
Come back!

So what were you gonna tell us?

I have no idea.

What was the big news
Pete wanted to tell you?

Or should I say, "Mrs. Monica Becker"?

Oh, keep your name.
Don't take his name.

He didn't ask me to marry him.

ALL: Aw.
- Then definitely don't take his name!

He wanted to tell me he's going
to compete in some Ultimate...

...Fighting Competition thingy.

JOEY: Pete?
RACHEL: Why? What is it?

I don't know exactly.
It's sort of like wrestling.

- Oh?
- But without the costumes.

Oh.

And it's not fake.
It's totally brutal.

It's two guys in the ring and
the rules are, "There are no rules"!

You can bite and pull
people's hair and stuff?

Anything goes except eye-gouging
and fish-hooking.

- What's fish-hooking?
- What's fish-hook...

Thanks. That would have been
hard to describe.

What is that taste?

My hands are totally clean.
I just gave the duck a bath.

DOUG:
Thanks for the warm welcome.

It's good to have you guys on my team.
I come to play. I hope you do too.

Let's go out there and get them!
And remember:

There is no I in "team."

Yes, but there's two in "martini."
So, everybody, back to my office.

You! Chuckles. What's your name?

It's Bing, sir.
I'm sorry. I was just...

No, no. I heard what you said.
Funny. I like funny.

This team's about hard work,
but it's also about having fun.

Good to have you aboard, Bing!

ROSS:
That's right. Ryder.

Winona Ryder for six.

Thank you.

- Yeah. We have the reservations.
RACHEL: Yes!

All right, buddy! Way to go!

Dude, what are you doing?

Thank you. My boss keeps slapping my
butt and acting like it's no big deal.

What'd you do about it?

I didn't do anything.
I didn't want to be the guy...

...who has a problem with his boss
slapping his bottom.

I gotta tell you, I think it's okay
to be that guy.

Maybe it's that jock thing.

You know, how football players
pat each other after touchdowns.

You know, I don't understand guys.

I mean, I would never congratulate
Monica on a great stew...

...by, you know, grabbing her boob.

I know. For a really great stew,
you'd just...

...stick your head in between them.

Can we please go eat?

- Yeah, what are we getting?
- Anything but stew.

So from now on, don't give
your boss a chance to get you.

Don't turn your back to him.

Or you could teach him
a lesson, you know?

What you do is rub something that
smells really bad on your butt, right?

Then when he goes to smack you,
his hand will smell.

Now, what could you rub on your butt
that would smell bad?

What if Joey was President?

Can I ask you something?

- Yeah.
- Okay, you can totally say no...

...but would it be okay with you
if I set Ross up on a date?

Oh. Uh, with who?

My friend Bonnie.
She always thought Ross was cute...

...and she asked if I could set it up.

- But if that's not cool...
- Which one is Bonnie?

You remember her from
my birthday party?

Average height...

...medium build, bald...

Oh!

That's fine.

Great! Okay! Good for you!
All right!

You are iron! You are steel!

Let me ask you, how come when I call
your computer support line...

...I have to wait an hour and a half?

We're adding operators all the time.
Could we concentrate on my training?

It's just hard when I know
I have e-mail I can't get.

- Hi.
- Monica!

Hi, honey.

On the table. On the table, please.

Hey, um, so listen, my friends were
telling me a little bit about...

...this Ultimate Fighting thing.

It sounds really dangerous.

I don't want you to get hurt,
because I kind of like you.

I don't want to get hurt either.
I'm being smart about this.

See these guys? They're
the best trainers in the world.

Hoshi was a paid assassin.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

A housepainter!
He used to be a housepainter!

- Promise me you'll be careful.
- I promise.

Are we still on for tonight?
Good. Because...

...maybe we could have
a little workout of our own.

No! No boom-boom before big fight!

How about just a boom?

That was depressing.
I just bought a pretzel...

...from one of the kids from Fame.

- Ready to go to the movies?
- Mm-hm. Oh, this is Bonnie!

Hi.

This is Bonnie?

This is Bonnie? You're Bonnie?

I can show you an I.D. If you want.

Oh, no. You look a lot different
than the last time I saw you.

Oh, yeah. Well, I just
started wearing bras again.

Oh, that must be it.

Have fun tonight.

Thanks. You too.

You said she was bald.

She was bald. She's not now.

How could you not tell me
she has hair?

I don't know.
I hardly ever say that about people.

Oh, well this is just perfect!

Well, I'm sorry.
I thought you said it was okay.

I said it was okay when I thought
she was some weird bald chick.

That girl has got hair
all over her head!

- Maybe Ross won't like her personality.
- Does she have a bad personality?

Oh, no, Bonnie's the best!

DOUG:
Bing!

Read your CompuTek proposal.
Real home run.

Ooh. Barely got you that time.
Get over here!

Come on.

Oh, yeah! Good one.

That was a good one.
Keep at it, team!

- What is with him?
- "With him"?

You're his favorite.
You're his guy!

We never get smacked.

That's not true.
He smacked you once.

Not on purpose.
He ricocheted off you and got me.

I'm telling you,
I need some smacks.

I got a kid starting Dartmouth.

Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth?
Dartmouth sucks!

- You go to Dartmouth?
- No, sir.

There you go! Ha-ha-ha.

[CROWD CHEERING]

ROSS:
Hey.

God, Ross! What is that?

The Ultimate Fighting Combo.

I saved 30 cents.
Plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!

ANNOUNCER:
From New York City, New York...

...appearing in his Ultimate
Fighting Championship debut...

...he's known for his
confrontational business style!

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing...

...Pete Becker!

[CROWD CHEERING]

I love you, Pete!

And his opponent
from Huntington Beach, California...

...he's a 300-pound
street fighter...

...Tank Abbott!

[MIXED CHEERING AND JEERING]

Boo! Boo!

Pete? Pete?

- That guy's pretty huge.
- Don't worry.

I'll use his strength
and weight against him.

Well, then that guy is in serious,
serious trouble.

You go get him. Let's go!

Here we go, gentlemen.

Are you ready?

Are you ready?
Then let's get it on!

[GRUNTING]

Uh-oh!

Hey.

It's me.

[SLOWLY]
Monica.

Can I just tell you how proud
I am of you?

It would be nice after hearing
20,000 people chant, "You suck!"

I thought you were nuts at first...

...but you did it.

Now you can just look back at this
with no regrets.

Look back?

You're not gonna keep going?

Let me ask you a question:
Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?

Well, no. But...

I'm not gonna stop until I'm
the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

That guy stood on your neck
until you passed out.

Let me tell you a story.

When I set out to create MOSS 865,
do you think it happened overnight?

No. There was MOSS 1
that burned down my dad's garage.

There was MOSS 2 that would only
schedule appointments in January.

And 862 others that I learned from.

Just like I learned from this fight
never to let a guy stand on my neck.

You didn't know that already?

Look, I'm gonna get better.

Okay? I promise you.

Okay.

Just get a lot better.

Fast.

One other thing.

Hoshi thinks you being ringside
may have affected my concentration.

Yeah.

That was the problem.

- How long until Pete's fight?
- About five minutes.

They're interviewing his opponent.

Apparently, he trains by going to Iran
and pulling the arms off thieves.

- Wow. Ha, ha. Hot dog?
- Four, please.

I'm really nervous.

Thank you.

So how did it go with Bonnie?

Oh, I gotta tell you,
I wasn't expecting to like her at all.

I actually wasn't expecting
to like anyone right now.

But she's really terrific.

It's too bad.

No, I'm saying I liked her.

There are other fish in the sea.

I think she's great, okay?
We're going out again.

I hear you. Are you capable
of talking about anything else?

Which one's my turkey burger?

The one next to my foot.
Sorry.

- Fight's starting!
- We'll be right in.

So did your boss try
to slap you again today?

Nine times.

I had to put on lotion.

But it'll be okay.
Tomorrow, I conduct an experiment.

And if all goes as planned,
my butt will be smack-free.

JOEY:
Fight's over!

Excuse me, Doug?

Hey there, sports fan!

Bing! You got those numbers for me?

No. I didn't do them.

Oh. You forgot?

No, I just didn't do them.

Instead, I hung out with some
friends and had a couple of beers.

So I certainly don't
deserve praise. Verbal...

...or otherwise.

I got tanked myself last night.
Pretty dicey drive home.

Tappan Zee Bridge never looked smaller.
Ha, ha.

That's okay. You're still
my number one guy! Bing!

- Doug!
- Hmm?

I'm a little bit uncomfortable with
the way that you express yourself.

Is it the swearing?
Is it the constant swearing?

Because I gotta tell you, if it is,
you can just kiss my ass!

No. It's not about the swearing.
It's more about...

...the way that you occasionally...

...concentrate your enthusiasm...

...on my buttocks.

Oh.

Don't get me wrong,
I appreciate the sentiment.

It's just that I have a rather
sensitive posterior.

And besides, it's making
all the other guys jealous.

Well, say no more. You know,
it takes guts to bring this up.

Bing, you're okay.

Okay.

- Ha! Ah!
- Ah!

[LAUGHING]

[MIMICS GUNSHOT]

Would you rather live in the
shirt pocket of a sweaty giant...

...or inside his shower drain?

Oh, my God.

Look. It's Ross and that girl.

Look at that! It's a line of ants!
They're working as a team!

Right. Oh, yeah. It looks
like Ross is breaking up with her.

I hope he lets her down easy.

Look at that! They are not
breaking up! Look at them!

You know what that is?
A second date, that's what that is.

Look, she just put her hand
on his thigh.

That's nothing.
She's very sexually aggressive.

Oh, God!

It's your fault. Now he loves her.
He'll marry her. It's all your fault.

You said it was okay.

You said she was bald!

Was! Was, was, was!

We can't let it happen. We have to do
something. We have to break them up.

Just go in there and shave her head!
You owe me one bald girl!

Okay, first of all, breathe.

Second of all, I don't get it.

Aren't you the one that decided
you didn't want to be with Ross?

Yes.

Well, isn't he your friend?
Don't you want him to be happy?

Yes.

So?

It's just, you know, I didn't
expect him to be this happy so soon.

[GROANING]

- Oh, no.
- What?

We killed them all!

[RACHEL SHOUTS]

[MONICA GASPS]

[GRUNTS]

It's not as bad as it looks.
It's a precaution.

I'm not supposed to move my spine.

Please tell me you're stopping now.

I'm fine. I'd fight tonight
if they'd let me.

Now, see this circle
I'm marking off here?

This is my Zone of Terror.

You are insane!
You've got to give this up!

I can't until I'm
the Ultimate Fighter.

I will do it.

The day will come when children will
argue over who will win a fight...

...me or Superman.

Not that I could beat Superman,
but kids are stupid.

Just sit down.

Please listen to me.

You are terrible at this, okay? You
are the worst Ultimate Fighter ever.

Ever!

I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline
fracture in my right forearm...

...and a severely bruised Adam's
apple, but that really hurt.

Well, then you know what?

I care about you too much to watch you
hurt yourself like this.

So if you have to do this,
you'll have to do it without me.

If you're asking me to quit...

...then you're asking me
to be someone I'm not.

I've got to do this.

Then I've gotta go.

Bye.

- Monica?
- Yes?

Could you leave a note?
I'm on painkillers...

...and I might not
remember this tomorrow.

So, in conclusion, the lines
all go up, so I'm happy.

Great job, team!
Tomorrow at 8:30.

Phil, nice job! Stevens, way to go!

Goldberg, you maniac!

I love you!

- Bing, couldn't have done it without you.
- Thank you, sir.

Oh, excuse me.

I forgot my briefcase, you know,
by accident.

Of course you did. Forgot
something else too, you bastard!

[LAUGHING]

Well, what about you?

You're not feeling left out, are you?

No. Heh.

No, not at all. That's ridiculous.

Everybody else got one,
and you want one too. Don't you?

- Yes, I do.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Now, get on out of here, you!

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
Pete Becker circles the ring.

Looks like he's just trying
to feel him out.

Bruiser is charging!

Run, you crazy, rich freak!

I can't watch this.

Check it out! Pete's winning!

- Really?
- No!

ANNOUNCER: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on
the canvas and is going for his favorite area!

ALL:
Oh! Oh!

Wait! If that's his favorite area,
why is he being so mean to it?

ROSS:
This is ironic.

Your last boyfriend, Richard,
didn't want to have kids.

And from the looks of it,
now Pete can't.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[English - US - SDH]