Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 23 - The One with Ross's Thing - full transcript
Ross seeks medical help when he finds a mysterious skin condition on his backside. Phoebe struggles to choose between two guys; Monica can't decide what to do about Pete when she thinks he is going to propose.
Wouldn't it be cool if our duck
and our chick had a baby?
We could call it Chuck.
Or Dick.
Listen, I need a favor.
I was in the shower,
and as I was...
...cleansing myself, I felt something.
Was it like a sneeze, only better?
No. I mean, like,
a thing on my body.
Well, what was it?
Well, I don't know.
It's kind of in a place that's not...
It's not visually accessible to me.
And I was hoping maybe you guys...
...could help me out.
Come on, you guys!
It's no big deal!
Well, what is it?
Is it a mole?
No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.
Is it...?
What, a pimple?
No, it's...
...fancier than a pimple.
- Ross, just go see a doc...
- Guys, what's...?
Well, it's definite.
Two more weeks of winter.
Yeah, right.
The One With Ross' Thing
English Subtitles by
GELULA & CO., INC.
And this is the coffeehouse.
This is where I play my music.
- Good deal.
- These are my friends.
People? This is Vince.
Vince, the people.
Vince is a fireman.
Have you ever rescued anyone
from a burning building?
Ninety-eight hot saves.
Highest on the force.
If Joey and I play with matches,
we could get you up to an even 100.
Fire safety is not a joke, son.
You're right. I know.
Look, I gotta go.
I'm on call tonight.
See you Saturday.
He's cute, Pheebs.
But you just started dating
that teacher.
Oh, Jason?
We're seeing each other tonight.
Well, Pheebs?
Two dates in one day?
That's so unlike you.
I know, I know.
I'm, like, playing the field.
I'm juggling two guys.
I'm sowing my wild oats.
You know, this kind of, like,
oat-sowing, field-playing juggler.
So do they know about each other?
Does a dog's lips move
when he reads?
Okay, no, they don't know.
Hey, guys.
- Well?
- How'd it go at the doctor's?
He said there's definitely
nothing to worry about. It's benign.
- What is it?
- He couldn't even tell me.
He said it was just
some sort of "skin abnormality."
The worse thing is, he said,
being unable to identify it...
...he was reluctant to remove it.
You should go to my guy.
Because when I went in there
with my third nipple...
...he just lopped it right off.
So I guess I'm lucky.
I mean, not as lucky as people
who are born with two nipples.
At least they knew what yours was.
You know? Yours had a name.
Maybe they'll name yours after you.
You know?
They'd call it "The Ross."
And then people would be, like,
"Oh, he's got a Ross."
Yeah, that'd be cool.
Pete's breaking up with me.
What?
I just checked my messages.
He said that when he gets back,
"We need to talk."
- And?
- Well, that's it.
People never say, "We need to talk,"
unless it's something bad.
That doesn't necessarily mean
he's breaking up with you.
Really?
Maybe he just cheated on you.
I won't get rich doing it,
but I gotta say, it's cool...
...knowing you're making
a difference in a kid's life.
That is so great.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
We'd better call
the fire department.
Well, we don't need a fireman.
We need, like, a good mechanic.
Here they come!
We gotta get out of here!
Wait. Why?
If I wanted to see a fireman,
I'd date one.
That's all it is.
A third nipple.
You know? Just your
run-of-the-mill third nipple.
You can take it off.
Just slice that baby right off.
Take your shirt off.
Let's see what we're dealing with.
What are you doing?
Just showing you my run-of-the-mill,
slice-it-right-off third nipple.
Well, that's not a third nipple.
First of all, it's on your ass.
Well, then what is it?
Wait a minute. Hold it.
- Jansen, come in here.
- I'm with Hamilton!
He's good with weird things.
Bring him in too.
I gotta go water Pete's plants.
You know what? If he's gonna break up
with me, maybe I won't water them.
If he's gonna break up with you,
maybe Joey and I should do it...
...if you know what I mean.
Or...
...we could go and pee on them.
I can't take it, you know.
I'm afraid one of them
will catch me with the other.
It's making me crazy!
Why don't you break up
with one of them?
What happened to playing the field?
It doesn't feel like playing anymore.
It's feels like work.
It's like I'm working in the field.
So pick one of them.
Which one do you like more?
Vince is great, you know?
Because he's, like, a "guy" guy.
He's just so burly,
so very burly.
Okay, good. So there you go.
Go with Vince.
But Jason's really sensitive.
Sensitive is important.
Pick him.
Oh, sure.
Go with the sissy.
Jason is not a sissy.
I meant Chandler.
You know, I have dinner plans.
Thank you so much for coming
on such a short notice.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been
practicing medicine for 23 years...
...and I'm stumped.
Okay, this is the den.
All right, check this out.
Lights!
All right, less lights!
Bad lights!
Lights, go away!
See? You just need the right command.
And the dimmer switch.
For a rich guy, that's a small TV.
That's the video phone.
But you shouldn't be here.
So don't touch anything.
IKEA, this is comfortable!
This place is amazing!
- Oh, God! That's the nicest kitchen.
- I know.
It's the nicest kitchen.
The refrigerator
told me to have a great day.
Look, a millionaire's checkbook.
Joey, put that down.
Oh, my God, that's Pete.
Get out!
How the hell do you answer
a video phone?
I guess that's how.
Monica, how's it going?
Oh, it's good. It's good.
Just here, watering the plants.
Don't forget that ficus
there by Rachel.
Chandler's on the couch!
I see him. You guys
are the worst hiders, ever.
- Hi.
- How you doing?
The other day when you said
you needed to talk...
...just so I know,
is it good news or bad news?
It's good news.
It's definitely good news.
Hold on a second,
I have another call.
How's it going?
It's still me.
I've got picture-in-picture here.
I'm gonna have to call you back later.
Monica? You.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
So I'll see you soon.
- Okay. I love you.
- I love you.
We love you too!
Well, it's good news.
It's good news.
- What do you think the good news is?
- Look at this!
He wrote a check for $50,000
to "Hugo Lindgren's Ring Design."
Sorry. What do you think
the good news is?
Oh, my!
Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!
You gotta get Mom on the phone!
Call Mom! Call Mom!
And that's Pete's mom.
You have to make it a theme wedding.
And the theme could be:
"Look How Much Money We've Got!"
I mean, you could put money
in the invitations.
You could have, like,
little-money place settings.
And you could start
with a money salad.
I mean, it'll be dry,
but people will like it.
Would you stop?
We've only gone out a couple of weeks.
We don't know if he'll propose.
But this is Pete.
He's not like other people.
On your first date, you went to Rome.
For most guys, that's like
a third or fourth date kind of thing.
Well, if that's what it is,
then it's crazy.
Monica's right.
We're talking about marriage here.
She can't just rush into this.
What do you know?
You married a lesbian!
I gotta go.
I have to break up with Vince.
So you're going with the teacher?
I like Vince a lot, you know?
But Jason is so sensitive.
In the long run, I think
sensitive is better than having...
...a really, really, really nice body.
Jason. Definitely Jason.
- Wish me luck!
- Good luck!
Oh, my God!
Sorry.
I was imagining what it'd be like
to catch the money bouquet.
Excuse me. Is Vince here?
Oh, sure.
I didn't know you guys
actually used those.
So what's up?
This isn't gonna be easy.
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
Good deal.
I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
It's just that I thought
we had something pretty special here.
I felt like you were someone
I could finally open up to.
There's so much in me
I haven't shared with you yet.
My God!
I didn't know you were so...
I'm sorry. I can't talk.
I'm gonna go write in my journal.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
If you wanna take care of that thing,
go see my herbal guy.
Thanks. But I wanna remove it,
not make it savory.
When girls sleep with guys
with weird things on their body...
...they tell their friends about it.
Give me that.
Okay, don't be mad at me,
but I couldn't resist.
Bride's Magazines?
I know you said you'd say no
if he asked you...
...but how great would you look
walking down the aisle...
...in this Donna Karan?
You so would!
You should get that anyway.
Well, for clubbing.
It is so weird.
I know what I said.
But this morning...
...I was lying in bed, imagining
what it'd be like to say yes.
I know it's a little sudden,
and it's rushed...
...and it's not like me to do
something like this.
But it doesn't mean I can't.
Right?
I mean, I'm crazy about Pete.
And I know that
we want the same things.
And when I thought
about saying yes...
...it made me really happy.
Oh, my God!
I know.
I need more pie.
Mon, if you do get married,
can I bring two guests?
You didn't break up with that fireman?
That was my way of telling you.
Well, it turns out
he's incredibly sensitive.
He keeps a journal and he paints.
He even showed me charcoal drawings
that he drew of me.
He'd prefer watercolors, but he has
easy access to a lot of charcoal.
So will you dump Jason?
Yeah, because I have to break up
with someone.
So Jason is sensitive.
But now, so is Vince.
Plus, Vince has the body.
You know?
So...
It's really just about the math.
Come on in.
You sounded serious on the phone.
Is anything wrong?
You must be Ross.
I am Guru Saj.
Listen, I gotta tell you, I've never
been to a guru before, so...
Well, relax.
If it makes you feel any better,
I've attended...
...fine medical schools
in Central America.
Well, let's take a look
at this skin abnormality of yours.
Come on, have a seat.
As I suspected, it's a kundus.
What's a "kundus"?
I don't know.
What's a kundus with you?
Please lie down.
I've got a salve that
ought to shrink that right up.
I guess it's worth a try.
Sure. We should see results...
Clearly not the way to go!
What? What?
We appear to have angered it.
We? We angered it?
I think I see the problem.
And I'm afraid we're gonna
have to use a much stronger tool.
Love.
Oh, God!
There is absolutely no way
this is gonna come off...
...unless you start to...
What was that?
Well, it's gone.
How's that?
Got caught in my watch.
Lights.
Romantic lights.
Nice.
So there was this thing
I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh, right. I'd completely
forgot about that.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
And I look at my life...
...and I feel like I've conquered
the business world.
And I feel like I've conquered
the intellectual world.
And now I have the most
beautiful woman in the world.
But there's one thing missing.
What's that?
It's time for me to conquer
the physical world.
I wanna become...
...the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
You wanna what?
I wanna be
the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
It's the most intense
physical competition in the world.
It's banned in 49 states.
What are you talking about?
My trainer, Hoshi, is teaching me...
...Jeet Kune Do
and Brazilian streetfighting.
I even had my own
octagon training ring designed.
And I suppose you used
a ring designer for that.
I want you there,
in the front row, when I win.
I want you close enough
to smell the blood.
What do you think?
My parents will be so happy.
Crazy underwear
Creeping up my butt
Crazy underwear
Always in a rut
Crazy underwear
What is he doing here?
All right, just keep playing.
You'll get through this.
You'll be fine.
Okay, thank you.
And as always, no one talk to me
after the show.
I was passing by
and saw you were playing.
This is cool, seeing you up there.
What's going on here?
Who's this guy?
I don't know! He just started
kissing me. Get him, Vince!
What?
I've been dating both of you.
And it's been really horrible,
because it's been...
...a lot of fun for me.
But I like you both...
...and I didn't know how to choose.
So I'm sorry. I'm terrible.
I'm a terrible person.
Relax. It's okay.
I mean...
We never said this was exclusive.
Neither did we.
So give yourself a break.
Really?
We haven't been going out that long.
Come on, we haven't even
slept together yet.
You haven't?
You have?
Well, this is none of my business.
I can't believe this!
You slept with him?
Well, I made you
a candlelight dinner in the park.
I'm gonna make this real easy for you.
That could've been really awkward.
You made him a candlelight dinner
in the park?
Yeah, but I can do that for you.
I'm gonna do that for you.
I can't believe
I went out with somebody...
...who'd have an open flame
in the middle of a wooded area!
Everything's gonna be all right.
Okay, Dick?
Hello. I am Guru Saj.
He's a duck, right?
Because otherwise...
...this is way out of my league.
He's got a really bad cough,
and our vet can't stop it.
Is there something you can do?
Let me see.
Let me see.
Do you think you could get him
to eat a bat?
and our chick had a baby?
We could call it Chuck.
Or Dick.
Listen, I need a favor.
I was in the shower,
and as I was...
...cleansing myself, I felt something.
Was it like a sneeze, only better?
No. I mean, like,
a thing on my body.
Well, what was it?
Well, I don't know.
It's kind of in a place that's not...
It's not visually accessible to me.
And I was hoping maybe you guys...
...could help me out.
Come on, you guys!
It's no big deal!
Well, what is it?
Is it a mole?
No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.
Is it...?
What, a pimple?
No, it's...
...fancier than a pimple.
- Ross, just go see a doc...
- Guys, what's...?
Well, it's definite.
Two more weeks of winter.
Yeah, right.
The One With Ross' Thing
English Subtitles by
GELULA & CO., INC.
And this is the coffeehouse.
This is where I play my music.
- Good deal.
- These are my friends.
People? This is Vince.
Vince, the people.
Vince is a fireman.
Have you ever rescued anyone
from a burning building?
Ninety-eight hot saves.
Highest on the force.
If Joey and I play with matches,
we could get you up to an even 100.
Fire safety is not a joke, son.
You're right. I know.
Look, I gotta go.
I'm on call tonight.
See you Saturday.
He's cute, Pheebs.
But you just started dating
that teacher.
Oh, Jason?
We're seeing each other tonight.
Well, Pheebs?
Two dates in one day?
That's so unlike you.
I know, I know.
I'm, like, playing the field.
I'm juggling two guys.
I'm sowing my wild oats.
You know, this kind of, like,
oat-sowing, field-playing juggler.
So do they know about each other?
Does a dog's lips move
when he reads?
Okay, no, they don't know.
Hey, guys.
- Well?
- How'd it go at the doctor's?
He said there's definitely
nothing to worry about. It's benign.
- What is it?
- He couldn't even tell me.
He said it was just
some sort of "skin abnormality."
The worse thing is, he said,
being unable to identify it...
...he was reluctant to remove it.
You should go to my guy.
Because when I went in there
with my third nipple...
...he just lopped it right off.
So I guess I'm lucky.
I mean, not as lucky as people
who are born with two nipples.
At least they knew what yours was.
You know? Yours had a name.
Maybe they'll name yours after you.
You know?
They'd call it "The Ross."
And then people would be, like,
"Oh, he's got a Ross."
Yeah, that'd be cool.
Pete's breaking up with me.
What?
I just checked my messages.
He said that when he gets back,
"We need to talk."
- And?
- Well, that's it.
People never say, "We need to talk,"
unless it's something bad.
That doesn't necessarily mean
he's breaking up with you.
Really?
Maybe he just cheated on you.
I won't get rich doing it,
but I gotta say, it's cool...
...knowing you're making
a difference in a kid's life.
That is so great.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
We'd better call
the fire department.
Well, we don't need a fireman.
We need, like, a good mechanic.
Here they come!
We gotta get out of here!
Wait. Why?
If I wanted to see a fireman,
I'd date one.
That's all it is.
A third nipple.
You know? Just your
run-of-the-mill third nipple.
You can take it off.
Just slice that baby right off.
Take your shirt off.
Let's see what we're dealing with.
What are you doing?
Just showing you my run-of-the-mill,
slice-it-right-off third nipple.
Well, that's not a third nipple.
First of all, it's on your ass.
Well, then what is it?
Wait a minute. Hold it.
- Jansen, come in here.
- I'm with Hamilton!
He's good with weird things.
Bring him in too.
I gotta go water Pete's plants.
You know what? If he's gonna break up
with me, maybe I won't water them.
If he's gonna break up with you,
maybe Joey and I should do it...
...if you know what I mean.
Or...
...we could go and pee on them.
I can't take it, you know.
I'm afraid one of them
will catch me with the other.
It's making me crazy!
Why don't you break up
with one of them?
What happened to playing the field?
It doesn't feel like playing anymore.
It's feels like work.
It's like I'm working in the field.
So pick one of them.
Which one do you like more?
Vince is great, you know?
Because he's, like, a "guy" guy.
He's just so burly,
so very burly.
Okay, good. So there you go.
Go with Vince.
But Jason's really sensitive.
Sensitive is important.
Pick him.
Oh, sure.
Go with the sissy.
Jason is not a sissy.
I meant Chandler.
You know, I have dinner plans.
Thank you so much for coming
on such a short notice.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been
practicing medicine for 23 years...
...and I'm stumped.
Okay, this is the den.
All right, check this out.
Lights!
All right, less lights!
Bad lights!
Lights, go away!
See? You just need the right command.
And the dimmer switch.
For a rich guy, that's a small TV.
That's the video phone.
But you shouldn't be here.
So don't touch anything.
IKEA, this is comfortable!
This place is amazing!
- Oh, God! That's the nicest kitchen.
- I know.
It's the nicest kitchen.
The refrigerator
told me to have a great day.
Look, a millionaire's checkbook.
Joey, put that down.
Oh, my God, that's Pete.
Get out!
How the hell do you answer
a video phone?
I guess that's how.
Monica, how's it going?
Oh, it's good. It's good.
Just here, watering the plants.
Don't forget that ficus
there by Rachel.
Chandler's on the couch!
I see him. You guys
are the worst hiders, ever.
- Hi.
- How you doing?
The other day when you said
you needed to talk...
...just so I know,
is it good news or bad news?
It's good news.
It's definitely good news.
Hold on a second,
I have another call.
How's it going?
It's still me.
I've got picture-in-picture here.
I'm gonna have to call you back later.
Monica? You.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
So I'll see you soon.
- Okay. I love you.
- I love you.
We love you too!
Well, it's good news.
It's good news.
- What do you think the good news is?
- Look at this!
He wrote a check for $50,000
to "Hugo Lindgren's Ring Design."
Sorry. What do you think
the good news is?
Oh, my!
Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!
You gotta get Mom on the phone!
Call Mom! Call Mom!
And that's Pete's mom.
You have to make it a theme wedding.
And the theme could be:
"Look How Much Money We've Got!"
I mean, you could put money
in the invitations.
You could have, like,
little-money place settings.
And you could start
with a money salad.
I mean, it'll be dry,
but people will like it.
Would you stop?
We've only gone out a couple of weeks.
We don't know if he'll propose.
But this is Pete.
He's not like other people.
On your first date, you went to Rome.
For most guys, that's like
a third or fourth date kind of thing.
Well, if that's what it is,
then it's crazy.
Monica's right.
We're talking about marriage here.
She can't just rush into this.
What do you know?
You married a lesbian!
I gotta go.
I have to break up with Vince.
So you're going with the teacher?
I like Vince a lot, you know?
But Jason is so sensitive.
In the long run, I think
sensitive is better than having...
...a really, really, really nice body.
Jason. Definitely Jason.
- Wish me luck!
- Good luck!
Oh, my God!
Sorry.
I was imagining what it'd be like
to catch the money bouquet.
Excuse me. Is Vince here?
Oh, sure.
I didn't know you guys
actually used those.
So what's up?
This isn't gonna be easy.
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
Good deal.
I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
It's just that I thought
we had something pretty special here.
I felt like you were someone
I could finally open up to.
There's so much in me
I haven't shared with you yet.
My God!
I didn't know you were so...
I'm sorry. I can't talk.
I'm gonna go write in my journal.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
If you wanna take care of that thing,
go see my herbal guy.
Thanks. But I wanna remove it,
not make it savory.
When girls sleep with guys
with weird things on their body...
...they tell their friends about it.
Give me that.
Okay, don't be mad at me,
but I couldn't resist.
Bride's Magazines?
I know you said you'd say no
if he asked you...
...but how great would you look
walking down the aisle...
...in this Donna Karan?
You so would!
You should get that anyway.
Well, for clubbing.
It is so weird.
I know what I said.
But this morning...
...I was lying in bed, imagining
what it'd be like to say yes.
I know it's a little sudden,
and it's rushed...
...and it's not like me to do
something like this.
But it doesn't mean I can't.
Right?
I mean, I'm crazy about Pete.
And I know that
we want the same things.
And when I thought
about saying yes...
...it made me really happy.
Oh, my God!
I know.
I need more pie.
Mon, if you do get married,
can I bring two guests?
You didn't break up with that fireman?
That was my way of telling you.
Well, it turns out
he's incredibly sensitive.
He keeps a journal and he paints.
He even showed me charcoal drawings
that he drew of me.
He'd prefer watercolors, but he has
easy access to a lot of charcoal.
So will you dump Jason?
Yeah, because I have to break up
with someone.
So Jason is sensitive.
But now, so is Vince.
Plus, Vince has the body.
You know?
So...
It's really just about the math.
Come on in.
You sounded serious on the phone.
Is anything wrong?
You must be Ross.
I am Guru Saj.
Listen, I gotta tell you, I've never
been to a guru before, so...
Well, relax.
If it makes you feel any better,
I've attended...
...fine medical schools
in Central America.
Well, let's take a look
at this skin abnormality of yours.
Come on, have a seat.
As I suspected, it's a kundus.
What's a "kundus"?
I don't know.
What's a kundus with you?
Please lie down.
I've got a salve that
ought to shrink that right up.
I guess it's worth a try.
Sure. We should see results...
Clearly not the way to go!
What? What?
We appear to have angered it.
We? We angered it?
I think I see the problem.
And I'm afraid we're gonna
have to use a much stronger tool.
Love.
Oh, God!
There is absolutely no way
this is gonna come off...
...unless you start to...
What was that?
Well, it's gone.
How's that?
Got caught in my watch.
Lights.
Romantic lights.
Nice.
So there was this thing
I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh, right. I'd completely
forgot about that.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
And I look at my life...
...and I feel like I've conquered
the business world.
And I feel like I've conquered
the intellectual world.
And now I have the most
beautiful woman in the world.
But there's one thing missing.
What's that?
It's time for me to conquer
the physical world.
I wanna become...
...the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
You wanna what?
I wanna be
the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
It's the most intense
physical competition in the world.
It's banned in 49 states.
What are you talking about?
My trainer, Hoshi, is teaching me...
...Jeet Kune Do
and Brazilian streetfighting.
I even had my own
octagon training ring designed.
And I suppose you used
a ring designer for that.
I want you there,
in the front row, when I win.
I want you close enough
to smell the blood.
What do you think?
My parents will be so happy.
Crazy underwear
Creeping up my butt
Crazy underwear
Always in a rut
Crazy underwear
What is he doing here?
All right, just keep playing.
You'll get through this.
You'll be fine.
Okay, thank you.
And as always, no one talk to me
after the show.
I was passing by
and saw you were playing.
This is cool, seeing you up there.
What's going on here?
Who's this guy?
I don't know! He just started
kissing me. Get him, Vince!
What?
I've been dating both of you.
And it's been really horrible,
because it's been...
...a lot of fun for me.
But I like you both...
...and I didn't know how to choose.
So I'm sorry. I'm terrible.
I'm a terrible person.
Relax. It's okay.
I mean...
We never said this was exclusive.
Neither did we.
So give yourself a break.
Really?
We haven't been going out that long.
Come on, we haven't even
slept together yet.
You haven't?
You have?
Well, this is none of my business.
I can't believe this!
You slept with him?
Well, I made you
a candlelight dinner in the park.
I'm gonna make this real easy for you.
That could've been really awkward.
You made him a candlelight dinner
in the park?
Yeah, but I can do that for you.
I'm gonna do that for you.
I can't believe
I went out with somebody...
...who'd have an open flame
in the middle of a wooded area!
Everything's gonna be all right.
Okay, Dick?
Hello. I am Guru Saj.
He's a duck, right?
Because otherwise...
...this is way out of my league.
He's got a really bad cough,
and our vet can't stop it.
Is there something you can do?
Let me see.
Let me see.
Do you think you could get him
to eat a bat?