Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 12 - The One with All the Jealousy - full transcript

Okay. Hey.
- Does everybody hate these shoes? CHANDLER: Oh, yeah.
But I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as you wear that towel dress.
Tell him.
It's her first day at this new job. You're not supposed to start with her.
All right. I suppose I can wait a day.
- Hey, what are you doing Friday? - Why?
I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert.
You know, he's the botanist?
Oh, God. Yeah, botanists are such geeks.
Yeah.
Is that a dinosaur tie?
Hmm? Oh, yeah.
[ROARS THEN GROWLS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Morning. CHANDLER: Hey.
Hey. Rach, I'm here with the purses.
It must take you forever to find your keys.
Thank you, thank you, Pheebs.
Oh, you're welcome. Oh, please want the one with the turtles.
No, no, no, turtles scare me. I don't need that today.
Honey, just relax. It's gonna be fine.
Hey, why don't I come down there and take you to lunch?
Aw, honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out.
Mark? Is that the same Mark that helped you get the job?
Yeah. It's kind of like a "good luck on your first day" sort of thing.
Is this actually a lunch box?
Um, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it.
Oh.
- Hey, so can you make it on Friday? ROSS: What?
Oh, yeah, I think so. Why am I invited to this again?
- Apparently, Albert has no friends. ROSS: Oh.
He's excited about the bachelor party, though.
I think the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper.
[ROSS CHUCKLES]
A stripper at a bachelor party. That is so clich?.
Why don't you guys get a magician?
If a magician can open my beer with his butt cheeks, then all right.
She's having lunch with him? Lunch with him?
You should've seen the hug he gave her when she got the job.
And he's really good-looking.
- What am I gonna do? - You don't do anything.
Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings.
Don't cry out loud.
Yes! Unh!
Guess who has an audition for a Broadway musical.
I wanna say you, but it seems like such an easy answer.
It is me.
It's a musical version of A Tale of Two Cities.
So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York"...
...and, uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."
Uh, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
- What? - Mr. Dickens gets to pick them.
Who?
I'll get you the CliffsNotes.
The what?
The abridgment.
Oh, okay. Ha, ha.
The what?
Then the style number...
...the invoice number, and the shipping date.
Good. Any questions so far?
Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?
- Ha, ha. Twenty percent. - Oh. I love this job. Ha, ha.
[PHONE RINGS]
- Ah! My first call. - Here, let me.
Okay.
- Rachel Green's line. How may I help you? - Hi, is Rachel there?
- And who may I say is calling? - [OVER PHONE] This is Ross.
Ross of?
Of "Ross and Rachel."
Oh. Hi, it's Mark.
- Oh, hey, Mark. Heh. Hey. MARK [OVER PHONE]: Hey.
- Hey, hold on a second. - Uh, okay.
MARK: It's Ross. RACHEL: Okay.
- Hi, honey. - Hi.
What's Mark doing answering your phone?
[OVER PHONE] Oh, he's just goofing around.
Oh, that's funny.
Why isn't he goofing around in his own office?
Ha, ha. Honey, this is his office too. I told you, we're Joanna's two assistants.
Why does Joanna need two assistants?
How lazy is she?
- Oh. Oh, my God. What did I just do? - What?
I think I just shipped 3000 bras to Personnel.
Honey, I gotta go. Mark, I need you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Ow! Ross!
Huh? Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I was just trying to...
Uh, I was dialing another number.
All right, I just got changed in 30 seconds so you could be alone with him.
- You better go for it. - Please. I'm not going for anything.
- Well, if you don't, I will. - Would you please go?
Night, Mon.
- Night, Julio. - Adi?s.
Look, Julio, someone left their book here.
Actually, that is mine.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes.
What are you reading?
Flowers of Evil by Baudelaire. Have you read it?
Ha, ha. Have I read it?
No. Are you enjoying it?
I thought that I would, but the translation's no good.
[LAUGHS]
You're a poet and you don't know it.
Actually, I, uh... I am a poet.
Oh. Ha, ha.
So you do know it. Ha, ha.
[MONICA CLEARS THROAT]
Ahem. So, uh, what kind of things do you write about?
Things that move me.
The shadow of a tree...
...a child laughing...
...or this lip.
Mine?
Right here?
I could write an epic poem about this lip.
How would that go?
Well, it didn't rhyme, ha, ha...
...but I liked it.
[SINGING] You've got to pick a pocket or two, boys
You've got to pick a pocket or two
Lovely. Just lovely.
Really? Thanks.
Listen, Joey, we definitely wanna see you for the callback on Saturday.
Excellent.
- I'll be there. - Ha, ha. Okay.
And listen, don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
Uh, my agent said that it wasn't a dancing part.
Joey, all the roles gotta dance a little. Ha, ha.
But believe me, with your dance background, it'll be a piece of cake.
Three years of modern dance with Twyla Tharp?
Five years with the American Ballet Theatre?
Hey, everybody lies on their r?sum?, okay?
I wasn't one of the Zoom kids either.
Well, can you, like, dance at all?
Yeah, I can dance. You know:
Oh, no, no, no.
What is that?
Sure, it looks stupid now. There's no music playing.
[PHONE RINGING]
All right, I have to get that. But no, no.
Hello?
Hi. Ha, ha.
Yeah, listen, I'm in need of a stripper, and I was told that you do that.
[CHUCKLING]
Let me ask you this. What do you do for the extra hundred?
So would I have to provide the grapes?
- Hi. - Ooh.
How was last night with Julio, senorita? Ha, ha.
It was so amazing.
He's so sexy and smart, which makes him even sexier.
Oh, my gosh. Last night we were fooling around...
...and all of a sudden he stops to write a poem.
Get out. I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.
Okay, we have our stripper, a Miss Crystal Chandelier.
Well, sure. You name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?
Ahem. Anyway, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him.
Now, I am totally dense about poetry, but I think this is pretty good, all right?
Check it out. Read it.
"The Empty Vase."
Translucent beauty...
To yourself.
- Hey, you know, that's pretty good. - Yeah, I think so too. Phoebe?
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, great. I'm so glad you guys like it.
- Yay. All right, I gotta go to work. - No, no. I'm not done.
Give it back when you're through.
- Okay, see you guys. - Bye-bye.
PHOEBE: Bye.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Poor Monica.
- What? What? What? PHOEBE: What?
He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look.
My vessel so lovely With nothing inside
Now that I've touched you You seem emptier still
He thinks Monica's empty. She's the empty vase.
- You really think that's what he meant? - Totally.
Oh, God. Oh, and she seems so happy too.
Done.
Do you have the Ralph Lauren file?
Oh, yeah, sure. It's, uh right...
[FRANCIS LAI'S "LOVE STORY" PLAYING ON SPEAKER]
What's that?
Uh, it's from Ross. It's a love bug.
[CHUCKLES]
Wow. Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.
Oh, no. No, no, no. That's not what he's doing.
- He's just really romantic. - Okay.
Excuse me. Are you Rachel Green?
Yes, I am.
[PLAYS TONE]
One, two, three.
QUARTET [SINGING]: Congratulations on your first week
At your brand-new job
It won't be long Before you're the boss
[SCATTING]
And you know who will be there To support you
Your one and only boyfriend
It's nice to have a boyfriend.
Your loyal, loving boyfriend, Ross Ross!
I'm hurt. I'm actually hurt...
...that you'd think I'd send you those things out of anything other than love.
Hurt.
- Hurt. - All right, Ross, I get it. You're hurt.
Can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymore?
Oh, please. Ross, it was so obvious.
It was like you were marking your territory.
I mean, you might as well have just come in and peed all around my desk.
I would never do that.
Look, I know what's going on here, okay?
Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.
Yeah, well, if Mark said that, then Mark's an idiot.
Mark's a genius.
- Why? How? How is he a genius? - Look, don't you see what's happening?
Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant.
Now he's gonna be the guy that she goes to to complain about you.
What am I gonna do?
Well, why don't you send her a musical bug?
Oh, no, you already did that.
All right, look, you're gonna have to go there yourself now, okay?
- Make a few surprise visits. - I don't know, you guys.
Fine, don't do anything. Just sit here and talk to us.
Meanwhile, she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe-Sensitive.
She starts thinking, "Maybe this is the guy for me because he understands me."
And before you know it, she's with him.
And you'll be all, "Oh, man."
And he'll be all, "Yes!"
And us, we'll be like, "Oh, dude."
And pretty soon you'll be like:
[IN SAD VOICE] "Hi."
And, "Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] And we'll be like, "Man, get over it. It's been four years."
He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?
Here's the Shelli Segal stuff for December.
- Oh, wait, I've got something for you. - What? Oh... Mark.
It's okay. Rachel knows.
Yeah, but even so... Ha, ha.
I can't help it. I'm just crazy about you.
Oh, that is so sweet.
MARK: Okay, okay.
I know I'm Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough.
I see you walking around, and I just wanna touch and hold you.
- Aw. - Come on, no one's around. Just kiss me.
- All right, that's it. Get off. Get off of her. - What is going on?
What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
Ross.
I have been down in your store for 20 minutes, trying to get a tie.
What do I have to do to get some service?
Hi, Rach.
Uh, Joey? Joey Tribbiani?
Listen, Joey, I got a problem. I just got a call from my dance captain.
He's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.
So does that mean the audition's off?
Listen, Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience...
...I want you to take these dancers and teach them the combination.
What?
Oh, Joey, come on, it's easy.
You know, it's hand, hand, head, head...
...up, pas de bourr?e, pas de bourr?e...
...big turn here, rond de jambe, sissonne, sissonne...
...slide, step, step...
...and jazz hands.
So that's steppity-step and jazz hands.
Have fun.
Bye.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What are you wrapping? - Oh.
Look what I got Julio.
- Yeah, it's a vase. - Yeah.
Just like the one in the poem.
Yeah, well, not exactly like the one in the poem.
What do you mean?
Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry?
Yeah.
Oh.
- So I'm just an empty vase, huh? - What?
So I don't read as many important books as you do.
I don't write poems that seem to be about one thing but are about something else.
And you know what? I get excited about stupid stuff...
...like when my People magazine comes on Saturday...
...and the new Hold Everything catalog.
But that does not mean I'm empty.
I care about things. I care about my friends and family.
You have no right to make that judgment about me.
- You don't even know me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
The poem is not about you.
- What? - "The Empty Vase" is not about you.
My baby preciosa.
You make me so sad that you would think this.
- I'm sorry. It's... My friend Phoebe said... JULIO: No, it's...
It's about all women.
Well, heh, all American women.
You feel better now?
Oh, yeah.
All right, let's do it.
[UPBEAT SHOW TUNE PLAYING ON PIANO]
No, no, no.
What was that?
I know, it's the best I could get out of them.
- Well, people. - People, people, people.
Let's try it again. And this time, let's everybody watch Joey.
Show them how it's done.
Count it off, Mack.
[UPBEAT SHOW TUNE PLAYING ON PIANO]
So did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Look what I got.
- See, she's fully dressed, right? - Right.
And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked.
And then you click it again and she's dressed.
She's a business woman, walking down the street.
She's window shopping, and, oh, oh, oh, she's naked.
Hi.
Hello.
You know what? I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.
I'm sorry. I was an idiot.
- A big idiot. - A big idiot. Heh.
It's just, you have to realize, this whole Mark thing is really hard for me.
Honey, why is it hard? We've been together for almost a year now.
Well, I was with Carol for like eight years, and I lost her.
And now, if it's possible, I think I love you even more.
So it's hard for me to believe I'm not gonna...
Well, that someone else isn't gonna take you away.
Let it be me. Let it be me.
Honey, that's very sweet.
It just seems to me, though, that if two people love each other...
...and trust each other, like we do...
...there's no reason to be jealous.
I gotta get going. Bye, Chandler.
Oh, okay, Ross.
Listen, this pen's getting kind of boring, so can you pick me up some porn?
- Where you going? - I've gotta go pick up Ben.
We've got a playdate this afternoon.
Oh. With who?
Just this woman I met last night at the party.
There was a woman at?
The stripper?
Yeah.
You have a playdate with a stripper?
Man, I gotta get a kid.
[LAUGHING]
Uh, yeah, yeah.
We started talking after she, you know, did her thing...
...and it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age.
So we're gonna take the kids to a Gymboree class.
- Meh. RACHEL: Oh.
- Is that okay? - Sure. Is she married?
- No. - Huh.
Are you jealous?
No. You know, I just don't see why she has to play with you, that's all.
I mean, doesn't she, you know...
...have any other stripper-mom friends of her own?
- You are totally jealous. - Ugh. I'm not jealous, all right?
This is about...
...um, people feeling certain things...
...you know, about...
...strippers. - Oh.
- And, you know... And, um... I... Ugh. - Honey, I love you too.
- Bye. - Wait, wait, wait.
What?
[GRUNTS]
Well, there's a kiss he won't forget for a few hours, you know?
- Yeah. - Ha, ha.
Either that or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.
Is there a Julio here?
I am Julio.
[SCATTING]
[SINGING] Mr. Pretentious
You think there's no one finer
Well, your poems are unpublished And you work in a diner
QUARTET: You're no God's gift to women That's all in your head
You are just a butt-munch
No one likes a butt-munch.
And you're also bad in bed
[English - US - SDH]