Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 11 - The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister - full transcript

Okay, pick a card, any card.

All right, now memorize it.

Show it to everybody.

- Got it?
- Mm-hm.

All right. Give it back to me.

Five of hearts.

- Real magic does exist.
- Oh, wow.

Wow. Joey, how do you do it?

I can't tell you that. No.

Uh, somebody's at the door
on the ceiling.

Heh. No, that's our unbelievably loud
upstairs neighbor.



He took up the carpets,
and now you can hear everything.

Well, why don't you go up there
and ask him to just step lightly, please?

I have, like five times,
but the guy is so charming...

...that I go up there to yell,
and I end up apologizing to him.

Oh, that is silly.

I'll go up there.
I'll tell him to keep it down.

- All right, be my guest.
- Good luck.

All right, all right, all right.

If you really wanna know how I did it,
I'll show you.

When you handed me back the card,
what you didn't see was...

...I looked at it so fast,
it was invisible to the naked eye.

I just did it.

Just did it again.

Here, I'll slow it down
so you guys can see it. Ready?



- Oh.
- I got it now. Okay.

I was at my friend's downstairs...

...and we hear every single thing
that you do.

Oh. Ha, ha. Thank you.

Hey.

Anybody got a length of rope
about 6 feet long with a noose at the end?

- Honey, what's the matter?
- I just saw Janice.

Aw.

She was at Rockefeller Center,
skating with her husband.

She looked so happy.

I almost feel bad
for whipping that kid's pretzel at them.

I remember the first time
I saw that girl Katherine after we broke up.

She was walking with her friend Donna,
just laughing and talking.

God, it killed me.

Yes, but you ended up having sex
with both of them that afternoon.

Sorry, I just...
Any excuse to tell that story.

Hey, Chandler, there's a party tomorrow.
You'll feel better then.

Oh. You know what? I'm gonna be okay.
You don't have to throw a party for me.

It's Joey's birthday.

Oh, well, then if anybody
should have a party, it should be him.

Shh. I cannot believe she's still up there.

Okay, well,
he totally screwed up the punch line.

You know, it's supposed to be:

- How's that coffee coming, dear?
- Yeah. Right away, Mr. Kaplan.

I'm not supposed to drink coffee.
It makes me gassy.

I know.

I'll bet you're thinking,
"What's an intelligent girl...

...who wants to be in fashion
doing making coffee?"

- Ah? Ah? Ha, ha.
- Oh, ha, ha. You got me. Heh.

Don't think I haven't noticed
your potential.

Well, I've got a project for you
that's a lot more related to fashion.

- How does that sound?
- Oh. That sounds great.

- Come on over here, sweetheart.
- Thank you so much, Mr. Kaplan.

I need these hangers separated ASAP.

You're welcome.

Oh, God, I hate my job.
I hate it. I hate my job.

I know, honey. I'm sorry.

Oh. I wanna quit,
but then I think I should stick it out.

Then I think...

...why would such a person stay
in such a demeaning job...

...just because it's remotely related
to the field they're interested in?

Gee, I don't know, Rach.

Order up. I got a Yentl soup, James Beans,
and a Howdy, hold the Doody.

Oh. Honey, come on, I'm sorry. I didn't...

I don't mind paying my dues.

It's just, how much am I gonna learn
about fashion...

...by walking Myra,
the arthritic seamstress...

...to the bathroom?

Hi. Is my misery amusing to you?

I'm sorry, I was just, uh... Ha, ha.

It's not funny. This is actually my job.

Oh, believe me, I've been there.

I had to sort mannequin heads
at Mannequins Plus.

Oh. Well, then, so I'm just gonna go back
to talking to my friend here.

You can go back
to enjoying your little hamburger.

- Uh, just one other thing.
- Ahem. Yes?

I work at Bloomingdale's...

...and I might know of a job possibility,
if you're interested.

Do you want my pickle?

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Gunther.
- Hi.

You're going out on a date
with the noisy guy upstairs?

- Well, he's very charming.
- I know, he's too charming.

But if you go out, it's gonna make it
so much harder for me to hate him.

Well, you're just going to have to try.

All right. Joey?
Where are the Jell-O shots?

I don't know.
Chandler's supposed to be passing them...

- Chandler.
- Hello-dee-lo.

Well, somebody's feeling better.

- Stick out your tongue.
- Take off your shirt.

- Oh, my.
- Oh, my God.

How many of these did you have?
These are pure vodka.

Yeah, Jell-O just like Mom used to make.

The most unbelievable thing
happened to me today.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm having lunch at Monica's
and this guy starts talking to me...

...and he works for a buyer
at Bloomingdale's...

...and there's an opening in his department.
So I gave him my phone number...

...and he's gonna call me this weekend
to see if he can get me an interview.

- Wow. Ha, ha.
- I know.

What, so this guy's helping you
for no apparent reason?

Uh-huh.

And he's a total stranger?

Yeah. His name is, um, Mark something.

Ah. Sounds like Mark Something
wants to have some sex.

What?

I'm just saying, why else would he just
swoop in out of nowhere for no reason?

To be nice?

Hey, Joey, are men ever nice
to strange women for no reason?

- No, only for sex.
- Thank you.

So did you tell Mark Something
about me?

I didn't have to, because I was wearing
my "I Heart Ross" sandwich board...

...and ringing my bell.

Ah. Uh-huh.

Joey! Happy birthday!

Hey!

Okay, how many of that girl
are you seeing?

How hammered are you? Huh?
These are Joey's sisters.

Hi, Joey's sisters.

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey.

What are we drinking over here?

Oh, well, I have a vodka
and cranberry juice.

No kidding?

That's the exact same drink I made myself
right after I shot my husband.

Wow.

Okay, I don't know how to talk to you.

What are you doing?

I'm taking my ex-girlfriend
off my speed dialer.

Aw.

No, no, no, it's a good thing.

Why must we dial so speedily anyway?
Why must we rush through life?

Why can't we savor the precious moments?
Those are some huge breasts you have.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah, heh. So, um, I heard about
this Mark guy that Rachel met today.

- Oh, yeah, isn't that great?
- Oh, yeah.

So, uh, yeah, pretty good.
He sounds like a nice, good guy.

Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy.

I mean, you know what?
When he left, I actually used the phrase...

..."homina, homina, homina. "

That's excellent.

So he's just a nice guy.

You really think this Mark doesn't want
anything in exchange for helping you?

Well, I assume I'll have to take showers
with him.

But, you know, that's true of any job.

Uh-oh.

How you feeling?

Well, my apartment isn't there anymore...

...because I drank it.

Where'd you get to? We lost you
after you opened up all the presents.

Yeah, I ended up in the storage room,
and not alone.

Woo-hoo.

- Really?
- Aah.

No "woo-hooing. "
No "woo-hooing. "

Why, what happened?

I fooled around with Joey's sister.

- Well, that's not the worst part.
- What is the worst part?

I can't remember which sister.

You see what men do?
Don't tell me men are nice.

This is men.

Are you insane?

Joey's gonna kill you.
He's actually going to kill you dead.

Okay. You don't think I thought of that?

- How can you not know which one?
- I mean, that's unbelievable.

- I mean, was it Gina?
- Which one is Gina?

The dark, big hair,
with the airplane earrings.

No, no, no, that's not Gina, that's Dina.

See? You can't tell
which is which either. Blah.

We didn't fool around with any of them.
Blah. Blah.

Veronica. Look, it's gotta be Veronica.
The girl in the red skirt.

I definitely stuck my tongue
down her throat.

That was me.

Oh. When I've been drinking,
sometimes I tend to get overly friendly.

- And I'm sorry.
- That's okay.

- That's all right.
- That's okay.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- Hey, Joey.
- Hey.

Come on.

Why can't we talk in here,
with witnesses?

- I just got off the phone with my sister.
- Uh, which one?

- Mary Angela.
- Mary Angela.

- Yeah.
- Now, which one is she again?

Ask Chandler.
He's the one who fooled around with her.

She told me you said
you could really fall for her.

Now, is that true, or are you just
getting over Janice by groping my sister?

It's gotta be the first one.

Really?

That's great.

You and my sister, sitting in a tree.

Yep, I'm in a tree.

Did he call? Did Mark call?

No, honey, I'm sorry.
But the weekend's not over yet.

Oh, my God. Is that Phoebe?

- Guess they're back from their date.
- Ah.

Music. Very nice.

Uh-huh. Oh.

Oh, my God.

So how are you?

- I am good. I finished my book.
- Oh, yeah? What's it about?

I don't remember.
Do you wanna take a walk?

Yeah, I do.

"Dear Mary Angela:

Hi, how's it going?

This is the hardest letter
I've ever had to write. "

What the hell's the matter with you?
How do you think Joey's gonna react...

...when he finds out
you blew off his sister with a letter?

That's the part where you tell him
that I moved to France...

...when actually I'll be in Cuba.

All right, look, look,
you've got to do this yourself, okay?

In person. At least you know her name.

You just go to the house
and you ask for Mary Angela, okay?

When whichever one she is
comes to the door...

...take her for a walk,
you let her down easy.

Okay.

What if Mary Angela comes to the door
and I ask for Mary Angela?

Where in Cuba?

Joey, what...?
What are you doing here?

Waiting for my grandma
to finish my laundry.

What about you?

Uh, I'm here to see Mary Angela.

You are so the man. Come on.

Now, look, listen. Listen.

You gotta be cool, because my grandma
doesn't know about you two.

You do not wanna tick her off.

She was, like, the sixth person
to spit on Mussolini's hanging body.

Yeah.

Where's Mary Angela?

- She's right in there.
- Okay.

Hey, Chandler.

I can't believe Mark didn't call.
It's Sunday night and he didn't call.

Bummer.

Yeah, right. Look at you.
You're practically giddy.

No, I'm genuinely sorry
the Mark thing didn't work out.

Look, Rach,
I want only good things for you.

Wait a minute.
Why don't you just call Mark?

Who says you have to sit here
and wait for him?

You've got to make stuff happen.

Yeah, but you don't
wanna seem too pushy.

Honey, it's not pushy.
He gave her his home number.

Wha...? He gave you his home number,
as in, like, to his home?

Yeah. And you don't mind if I call,
because you only want good things for me.

That's right, good things.
That is what I said.

Ahem. Hello, Mark? Hi, it's Rachel Green.

Ha, ha. Oh, no. Don't you apologize.

Yeah, I'll hold.

He left my number at work.

He was gonna get it, but he was helping
his niece with her report on the pioneers.

- Aw.
- That is so made up.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Tomorrow?
That's... No, it's perfect.

Oh, God. Thank you so much.
Great. Bye.

Oh! I got the interview.

- Oh, yay!
- There you go.

He even offered to meet me for lunch
and prep me for it.

- Oh, that is amazing.
- Yeah.

Well, if I know Mark, and I think I do...

...I'd expect nothing less.
- I gotta figure out what I'm gonna wear.

High collar and baggy pants say,
"I'm a pro. "

Yeah, right. Okay, I'll see you guys later.

- Woo-hoo!
- Okay.

You go get them.

What did I do to you?
Did I hurt you in some way?

- What?
- "Why don't you call him?"

Well, thank you very much.
Now he's gonna prep her.

You know, prep her, as in what you do
before you surgically remove the boyfriend.

Are you crazy?

Oh, am I? Am I? Am I out of my mind?
Am I losing my senses?

This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend
out for a meal.

Ross, you know,
this isn't even about you.

This is about Rachel
and something happening for her.

- Uh-huh.
- Even if you're right.

What if he wants to sleep with her?
Does that mean he gets to?

- No, but...
- I mean, don't you trust her?

Well, yeah...

Then get over yourself. Grow up.

You grow up.

This tiramisu is excellent.

- Did you make it, Mary Angela?
- No, I did.

Well, it's yummy.

So, uh, Mary Angela, do you like it?

Of course. It's her favorite.

So, um, hmm...

Mary Angela,
what's your second favorite?

More of Grandma's tiramisu.

Oh, would you just please...

...give me your recipe,
because this is great.

It's top-notch.

- That dies with me.
- So will I.

Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.

Oh, no, I was just squinting.
That doesn't mean anything.

Just do it.

Will you excuse me? I have to, um...

Hey...

Finally. I thought we'd never be alone.

Can I just tell you something?

I have not stopped thinking about you
since the party.

Mm. Mm.

Look, I may have jumped the gun here.
Whoa.

Uh... Ahem.

I just got out of a relationship.

And I'm not really in a...
In a commitment kind of place.

So? Me neither.

God, Mary Angela was right.
You do have the softest lips.

Aah.

- You're not Mary Angela?
- No. I'm Mary Therese.

This is so bad.

If you're not Mary Angela, then who is?

I am.

Oh, it's so bad.

- Joey!
- No Joey. No Joey. No Joey.

- Joey.
- What's going on?

You're it. Now run and hide.

It's no big deal.

Chandler was just kissing me
because he thought I was Mary Angela.

What? How could you do that?
How could you think she was Mary Angela?

I wasn't sure
which one Mary Angela was.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

I was really drunk,
and you guys all look really similar.

I say punch him, Joey.

- Yeah, punch him.
- Yeah, kick him.

We should all calm down...

...because, you know,
your brother's not gonna punch me.

Are you?

Well, that is usually what I would do.

But I never thought
you'd be on the receiving end.

How could you do this?

Joey, if you wanna punch me, go ahead.
I deserve it.

But I just want you to know that I would
never soberly hurt you or your family.

You're my best friend.

And I would never do anything
like this ever again.

So what?

- I say punch him. Punch him.
- Yeah, punch him.

- Come on, punch him.
- No. No. I'm not gonna punch Chandler.

- I'll do it.
- No, you won't.

Look, he knows he did a terrible thing,
and I believe him.

He's sorry.
But you got one more apology to make.

All right?
You gotta apologize to Mary Angela.

- Okay. Absolutely. You got it.
- All right.

- Cookie, now you can punch him.
- What?

- Hey.
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

You know,
this building's on my paper route, so...

- Oh. Hi.
- Hi.

How did it go?

Oh, well, the woman I interviewed with
was pretty tough...

...but, you know,
thank God Mark coached me.

Once I started talking about the fall line,
she got all happy.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Me too.

Listen, I'm, uh...

I'm sorry I've been so crazy
and jealous and...

It's just, I like you a lot, so...

I know.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Rachel.
- Yeah?

- Hi. Hi.
- Hi, Mark.

I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you.
You got it. You got the job.

- What?
- Oh! I did?

Yes.

- Aah!
- Oh, my God!

- Congratulations...
- Oh! Wow.

- So, Phoebe.
- Hmm?

How was your date?

Oh, well, you know. Ha, ha.

Yeah, I do know.

Ick. You were eavesdropping?

Eavesdropping?
Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But I really like this guy,
and I think he really happens to like me.

- Aw.
- Yay.

Maybe he's just jumping on a pogo stick
and he really likes it.

Maybe the pogo stick likes it too.

All right, that's it.
He cannot do this to Phoebe.

This guy's gonna get the butt-kicking
of a lifetime.

But is he a big guy?

We'll all go. Come on.

- Thanks, you guys. Thank you.
- Don't worry.

God. I hope they kick his ass.

Honey, I'm sorry.

You know, if it's any consolation...

...he really did sound
like he was having more fun with you.

[English - US - SDH]