Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 10 - The One Where Rachel Quits - full transcript

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- Hmm. Oh, I don't know.
- What?

Well, as old as he is in dog years...

...do you think Snoopy
should still be allowed to fly this thing?

- Rachel?
- Yeah?

Remember when you came, you spent two
weeks getting trained by another waitress?

Oh, sure.
Do you need me to train somebody new?

Ha-ha-ha. Good one.

Actually, uh,
Terry wants you to take the training again.

Whenever.

[RACHEL SCOFFS]

Do you believe that?



[SCOFFING]

Yeah.

SARAH: So that's two boxes
of the Holiday Macaroons.

On behalf of the Brown Birds of America,
I salute you.

[TWEETS]

Just admit it. You have no backhand.

Excuse me, little one.
I have a very solid backhand.

Shielding your face
and shrieking like a girl...

...is not a backhand.

I was shrieking...

...like a Marine.

All right, here, watch me execute
the three P's of championship play.

Power, huah...

...precision, shew...



...and panache.

[SARAH SCREAMS]

You broke a little girl's leg?

I know. I feel horrible, okay?

It says here that a Muppet got whacked
on Sesame Street last night.

Where exactly were you around 10-ish?

Well, I'm gonna go see her.
I wanna bring her something.

- What do you think she'd like?
- Maybe a Hello Kitty doll?

The ability to walk?

[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]

I'm gonna get back to retraining. Ahem.

All right. See you guys.

Look out, kids. He's coming.

And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.

Have fun. Oh, wait. No, don't.

I forgot. I am totally against that now.

What? Me having a job?

No, no. I am against innocent trees
being cut down in their prime...

...and their corpses
grotesquely dressed...

...in, like, tinsel and twinkly lights.

Hey, how do you sleep at night?

Well, I'm pretty tired
from lugging the trees around.

Hey, Phoebe, listen.

You got this all wrong.

Those trees were born
to be Christmas trees.

They're fulfilling their life purpose
by making people happy.

Really?

Yes.

Yes, and, uh, the trees are happy too...

...because for most of them,
it's their only chance to see New York.

After you've delivered the drinks,
you take the tray...

Gunther, Gunther, please.
I have worked here for two and a half years.

I know the empty trays go over there.

What if you put them here?

Huh.

You know, that's actually a good idea.
They'll be closer to the mugs.

You know what? You should have
the other waitresses do that too.

- They already do.
- Huh?

That's why they call it "the tray spot."

I always heard them talk about that.
I just thought it was a club they went to.

Oh, God.

- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.

Sweetheart.

So this must be kind of neat
for you, huh?

Your dad tells me
you get a couple of days off school...

...and you don't have to sell
those cookies anymore.

Well, I kind of wanted to sell the cookies.

The girl who sells the most
wins a trip to Space Camp...

...and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.

Wow, you really like
all this space stuff, huh?

Yeah. My dad says if I'd spend as
much time helping him clean apartments...

...as I do daydreaming
about outer space...

...he'd be able to afford a trip
to the Taj Mahal.

I think you'd have to clean a whole lot
of apartments to go all the way to India.

No, the one in Atlantic City.
Dad loves the slots.

He says he's gonna double
the college money my grandma left me.

Huh.

Well, good luck to Dad.

[SARAH SIGHS]

Say, how many more boxes
would you have to sell in order to win?

- The girl who won last year sold 475.
- Yeah?

So far, I've sold 75.

Four hundred, huh?

Well, that sounds doable.
How much are the boxes?

Five dollars a box.

And what is second prize?

A 10-speed bike.

But I'd rather have something
my dad couldn't sell.

Well, that makes sense.

Could you do me one favor?
If it's not too much trouble.

- Yeah, Sarah, anything.
- Could you pull the curtains open for me?

The astronauts from the space shuttle
are gonna be on the news.

Since we don't have a TV,
the lady across the alley...

...said she'd push hers up to her window
so I can watch it.

WOMAN:
Yes?

Yeah, hi. I'm selling Brown Bird cookies.

You're no Brown Bird.
I can see you through my peephole.

Um, no, hi. I'm an honorary Brown Bird.

[TWEETS]

What does that mean?

Uh, well, it means that I can sell cookies,
but I'm not invited to sleepovers.

[CHUCKLES]

I can dial 911 at the press of a button,
you know.

Now, go away.

Please, please. It's for a poor little girl...

...who wants to go to Space Camp
more than anything in the world.

- I'm pressing.
- No...

A policeman is on his way.

Okay, okay. I'm going, I'm going.

[SIGHS]

- I can still see you.
- All right.

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Well, I thought a lot
about what you said...

...and I realized, all right,
maybe I was a little judgmental.

Yeah. Oh, but, oh. Ugh.

Now, now, Phoebe, remember, hey...

...they're just fulfilling their Christmas...

- Destiny. Yes.
- Sure.

- Right.
- Okay.

Yikes. That one doesn't look
very fulfilled.

Oh, that's one of the old ones.
He's just taking it to the back.

PHOEBE:
You keep the old ones in the back?

That is so ageist.

- We have to make room for the fresh ones.
- So, what happens to the old guys?

Well, they go into the chipper.

Why do I have a feeling
that's not as happy as it sounds?

[DRONING]

No. No!

[GASPING]

[YELLS]

Hey, hey, hey.

And these come in the shapes
of Christmas characters.

Santa, Rudolph and Baby Jesus.

Oh.

All right.
I'll take a box of the cream-filled Jesuses.

Wait a minute, one box? I'm trying to send
a poor little girl to Space Camp.

I'm putting you down for five boxes.
Chandler, what about you?

All right, do you have any, uh,
coconut-flavored deities?

No, but there's coconut
in the Hanukkah Menorah-eos.

I'll put you down for eight boxes,
one for each night.

[MOUTHS]
Okay.

ROSS: Mon?
- I'll take one box of the Mint Treasures.

One, and that's it.

I started gaining weight
after I joined the Brown Birds.

Remember Dad bought every one
of my boxes and I ate them all?

No, Mon, Dad had to buy every one
of your boxes...

...because you ate them all.

But, you know,
I'm sure that's not gonna happen this time.

Why don't I just put you down
for three Mint Treasures...

...and just a couple of the Rudolphs?

No.

Oh, come on, now.
You know you want them.

[STAMMERS]
Don't do this.

I'll tell you what, Mon.
I'll give you the first box for free.

Oh, God, I gotta go.

Come on.
All the cool kids are eating them.

And later I wanna show you
why we don't just trap spiders...

...under coffee mugs
and leave them there.

I'm training to be better at a job that I hate.
My life officially sucks.

But wasn't this supposed to be temporary?
I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff.

Well, yeah, I'm still pursuing that.

How, exactly, are you pursuing that?

You know, other than sending out résumés,
like, what, two years ago?

Well, I'm also sending out...

...good thoughts.

If you ask me,
as long as you got this job...

...you got nothing pushing you
to get another one.

You need The Fear.

- The Fear?
CHANDLER: He's right.

If you quit this job,
you then have motivation...

...to go after a job you really want.

How come you're still at a job you hate?
Why don't you quit and get The Fear?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Because I'm too afraid.

God. I don't know.

I mean, I would give anything to work
for a designer, you know, or a buyer.

Ugh. I just don't wanna be 30
and still work here.

Yeah, that'd be much worse than being 28
and still working here.

- Rachel?
- Yeah?

Remind me to review with you
which pot is decaf and which is regular.

Can't I just look at the handles on them?

You would think.

Okay, fine. Gunther, you know what?
I am a terrible waitress.

Do you know why I'm a terrible waitress?
Because I don't care.

I don't care. I don't care which pot
is regular and which pot is decaf.

I don't care where the tray spot is.

I just don't care.
This is not what I wanna do.

So I don't think I should do it anymore.

- I'm gonna give you my week's notice.
- What?

Gunther, I quit.

Does this mean we're gonna have to start
paying for coffee?

Okay, 12.

Twenty-two.

Eighteen.

[CHANDLER LAUGHS]

- What?
- I spelled out "boobies." Ha, ha.

Ross, put me down for another box
of the Mint Treasures, okay?

Where are the Mint Treasures?

Uh, we're out. I sold them all.

What?

Monica, I'm cutting you off.

No. No.

Just a couple more boxes.

It's no big deal, all right? I'm cool.

You gotta help me out
with a couple more boxes.

Mon, look at yourself.
You have cookie on your neck.

Oh, God.

- Whoa. So how many you sold so far?
- Ah? Check this out.

- Five hundred and seventeen boxes.
- Oh, my God. How did you do that?

Ahem. Okay, the other night,
I was leaving the museum...

...just as Laser Floyd was letting out
of the planetarium.

Without even trying, I sold 50 boxes.

That's when it occurred to me.
The key to my success: The munchies.

So I started hitting the NYU dorms
around midnight.

I am selling cookies by the case.

They call me...

[IN DUMB VOICE]
..."Cookie Dude."

Okay, stop what you're doing.
I need envelope stuffers, stamp lickers...

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, hey. Who did these résumés for you?

Me, on my computer.

Well, you sure used a large font.

Uh, yeah.
Well, "Waitress at a Coffeehouse"...

...and "Cheer Squad Co-captain"
only took up so much room.

Heh, heh. Hey, that's funny.

You're funny, Chandler.
You're a funny guy.

You know what else is really funny?

Something else I might have said?

I don't know, I don't know.

Weren't you the guy
that told me to quit my job...

...when I had absolutely
nothing else to do?

Ha-ha-ha. Huh? Huh?

Sweetie, calm down. It's gonna be okay.

RACHEL:
No, it's not gonna be okay, Ross.

Tomorrow is my last day,
and I don't have a lead.

Okay, you know what?
I'm just gonna call Gunther...

...and I'm gonna tell him I'm not quitting.

You don't wanna give in to The Fear.

You and your stupid Fear.
I hate your Fear.

I would like to take you and your Fear...

Hey. I got great news.

Run, Joey. Run for your life.

What? Rach, listen, have you ever heard
of Fortunata Fashions?

- No.
- My old man's doing a plumbing job there...

...and he heard they have an opening.

Want me to see
if he can get you an interview?

Oh, my God, yes. I would love that.
Oh, that's so sweet, Joey.

Not a problem.
And now for the great news.

- What, that wasn't the great news?
- Only if you think it's better than this.

Snow-in-a-Can.

I got it at work.
You want me to decorate the window?

- Give it kind of a Christmas looky?
- Christmas cookie?

Okay, and this one here's a Douglas fir.

Now, it's a little more money,
but you get a nicer smell.

Looks good. I'll take it.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.
You don't want that one. Uh-uh.

No. You can have
this cool brown one. Ooh.

It's almost dead.

But that's why you have to buy it,
so that it can fulfill its Christmas destiny.

Otherwise, they're gonna throw it
into the chipper. Tell him, Joey.

Uh...

Yeah, the trees that don't fulfill
their Christmas destiny, heh...

...are thrown in the chipper.

I think I'm gonna look around
a little bit more.

Pheebs. Heh. You gotta stop doing this.
I'm working on commission here.

MONICA: Hey, guys.
I'm here to pick out my Christmas tree.

Well, look no further. This one's yours.

Ah.

Is this the one that I threw out last year?

All right, you know what? Never mind.
Everybody wants to have a green one.

[SOBS]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get so emotional.

I guess it's just...
The holidays are just hard.

Oh, honey, is that because
your mom died around Christmas?

Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.

Oh.

Hi there. How many did you sell?

I'm not gonna tell you.
You're the bad man who broke Sarah's leg.

Hey, now. That was an accident, okay?

You're a big scrud.

What's a scrud?

Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud?

I don't have to. I can just look at you.

All right, girls...

...and man.

Let's see your final tallies.

Oh... Debbie.

Three hundred and twenty-one boxes
of cookies. Very nice.

Not nice enough.

LEADER:
Charla.

Two hundred and seventy-eight.

Sorry, dear, but still good.

Good for a scrud.

LEADER:
Let's see.

Ooh. Yes, Elizabeth.

[GASPS]

Eight hundred and seventy-one.

That's crap.

Sister Brown Bird.

Good going.

Who's next?

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Hi there.
- Hi.

And batting for Sarah...

...Ross Geller.

Eight hundred and seventy-two.

Although it looks like you bought
an awful lot of cookies yourself.

Ahem. That is because my doctor
says that I have a very serious...

...nougat...

...deficiency.

Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.

Well, I lost.

Some little girl loaned her uniform
to her 19-year-old sister...

...who went down to the USS Nimitz
and sold over 2000 boxes.

CHANDLER: Hey. How'd the interview go?
- Oh, I blew it.

- I wouldn't have even hired me.
ROSS: Oh.

- Ugh.
- Come here, sweetie.

Listen, you're gonna go on like
a thousand interviews before you get a job.

That's not how that was supposed
to come out.

This is just the worst Christmas ever.

Rach, maybe you should just, you know,
stay here at the coffeehouse.

I can't. It's too late.
Terry already hired that girl over there.

Look at her.
She's even got waitress experience. Ugh.

Last night she was...

...teaching everybody
how to make napkins into...

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE]
...swans.

That word was "swans."

[MOUTHS]
"Swans."

Well, seeing that drunk Santa wet himself
really perked up my Christmas.

Ah! Oh, my God.

[IN UNISON]
Merry Christmas!

[SHRIEKING]

PHOEBE:
You saved them. You guys.

Oh, God, you're the best.

Looks like Night of the Living Dead
Christmas Trees.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Yeah, this is she.

Oh! You're kidding. You're kidding.

Oh, thank you. I love you.

Sure, everybody loves a kidder.

I got the job.

- Oh, hey. All right!
- That's great.

Oh! God bless us, every one.

Here we go.
I'm serving my last cup of coffee.

[ALL HUMMING ELGAR'S
"POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE MARCH NO. 1"]

There you go. Enjoy.

Yay!

- Should I tell her I ordered tea?
- No.

- No.
- No.

Um, excuse me, everyone?

Uh, this is my last night working here...

...and I just wanted to say
that I made some really good friends here.

And it's just time to move on.

[WHIMPERS]

And no offense to everybody
who still works here...

...but you have no idea
how good it feels to say...

...that as of this moment...

...I will never have to make coffee again.

Now, Mr. Kaplan Sr.
Likes his coffee strong.

So you're gonna use two bags
instead of one, see?

Now, pay attention
because this part's tricky.

See, some people use filters just once.

I'm sorry you didn't get to go
to Space Camp...

...and I'm hoping that maybe somehow,
this may help make up for it. Okay?

Presenting...

...Sarah Tuddle's Private,
Very Special Space Camp!

Really, Mr. Geller,
you don't have to do this.

Oh, come on. Here we go.

[MIMICS ENGINES ROARING]

Stand by for mission countdown.

[IN ECHOEY VOICE]
Ten, ten, ten.

Nine, nine, nine.

Eight, eight, eight. Ow.

Okay, blast off.

[MEN MIMICKING ENGINES ROARING]

[ROSS BEEPING]

[IN FALSETTO VOICE]
I'm an alien. I'm an alien.

ROSS:
Oh, no, an asteroid!

[English - US - SDH]