Friends (1994–2004): Season 2, Episode 9 - The One with Phoebe's Dad - full transcript

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Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree.

Oh, my God, you should see the size
of his Christmas balls!

- Hey.
- Hey.

How much did you tip the super?

Yeah, we were gonna give 50,
but we don't wanna look bad.

Oh, this year
we just made him cookies.

And 25 it is.

Heh. You gave him cookies?

- Money is so impersonal.
- Yeah.

Cookies says someone really cares.



All right, we're broke,
but cookies do say that.

I can see that.

A plate of brownies told me a limerick.

Pheebs, let me ask you something.
Were these, uh, "funny" brownies?

Not especially.

But, you know,
I think they had pot in them.

So, you guys, who else did you tip
with cookies?

Uh, the mailman, the super...

Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.

Oh, my God.

What?

Uh, I don't think you're gonna like this.

Oh, wow.

Oh, gosh.



Oh, these are cookies
smashed in the Sports section.

And he did my crossword puzzle.

Yeah, but not very well,
unless 14 across, "Gershwin musical"...

...actually is "Bite me, bite me, bite me. "

I can't believe it's Christmas already.
You know?

One day you're eating turkey,
the next thing you know...

...your lords are a-leaping
and your geese are a-laying. Heh.

Which is why geese are
so relaxed this time of year.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Hey, Rach.

I, uh, got you a little present.

I'll open it.

It's a Slinky!

Ha, ha. Remember, huh?

Walks downstairs
Alone or in pairs

Everyone knows it's...

Just a big spring.

You're still mad because of the whole...

Horrible list of reasons not to be with me?

How about we just call it
"the unfortunate incident"?

Hey, Gunther.
You got stairs in your place?

- Yeah.
- Go nuts.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

What's in the bag?

Mm, just some presents.

Come on, show us what you bought.

You know you want to.

Okay.

This is a picture frame
from Ben to my parents.

Oh, that's cute.

Some "Hers" and "Hers" towels
for Susan and Carol.

And, uh, I got this blouse for Mom.

- Ross, that is gorgeous!
- Yeah?

Look at these authentic fake medals!

Mom's gonna be voted "best dressed"...

...at the make-believe military academy!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Happy Christmas Eve Eve.
- You too.

Oh, my God! Where did you get this?

Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.

This is my father!

This is a picture of my dad!

Uh, Pheebs, that's the guy
that comes in the frame.

No, it's my dad. I'll show you.

I thought your dad was in prison.

No, that's my stepdad.

My real dad's the one that
ran out on us before I was born.

How have you never been on Oprah?

Look, see? This is him.

My mother gave me this picture
before she died. Same guy!

Honey, uh, this is a picture
of the frame guy...

...posing in front of a blue screen
with a collie.

It's not a blue screen. It's just...

Maybe it was just really clear that day.

Okay, I have to talk to my grandmother.

- Wait a minute, honey!
- Pheebs.

- Whoa.
- Wow.

I'm trying to get my boss's
ex-wife to sleep with me.

Joey.

Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem,
everyone's all ears!

Esther Livingston.

Gone!

Um... Hi, Pooh.

Hi, Gram. Ahem, what you doing?

Oh, just updating the phone book.

Um, Gram? Um...

Can I see the pictures of my dad again?

Oh.

Oh, sure, sure.

Uh... Huh, how come?

Just, you know, to see him.

Oh, sure. Here.

All right, uh...

This is the one
of your father in a meadow.

And, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite.

And here he is at a graduation.

Another graduation.

Is this really my father?

Is it really your...?

Well, of course it is.

I smell smoke. Maybe because
someone's pants are on fire!

Well, I...

In all the years we've been
grandmother and granddaughter...

...you've never lied.

All right, that's not your father.
It's a picture of a guy in a frame.

Oh, God.

It was your mother's idea.

She didn't want you
to know your real father...

...because it hurt her so much when he left.

I didn't wanna go along with it.

But then she died
and it was harder to argue with her.

Not impossible, but harder.

All right.
So he's not a famous tree surgeon?

And I guess he doesn't live in a hut
in Burma where there's no phones?

Last I heard, he was
a pharmacist somewhere upstate.

That makes no sense.

Why would the villagers
worship a pharmacist?

Honey.

- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Anyway, that's all I know.

That...

...and this.

This...

...is the real him.

Oh.

I remember my father
all dressed up in the red suit...

...the big black boots
and the patent leather belt...

...sneaking around downstairs.
He didn't want us to see him...

...but he'd be drunk, so he'd crash
into something and wake everybody up.

That doesn't sound like
a very merry Christmas.

Who said anything about Christmas?

- Hi.
- Anyone hear from Phoebe yet?

No, nothing.

I hope she's okay.

I know exactly what she's going through.

How do you know
what she's going through?

She told us.

What do you got there, Monica?

Stuff for the party.

Aren't you guys supposed to be shopping?

You didn't buy presents yet?

Tomorrow's Christmas Eve!
What are you gonna do?

Don't you have to be Claymation
to say stuff like that?

Oh, by the way, Mon, I don't think
the mailman liked your cookies.

Here are the ornaments your mom sent.

Well...

Maybe the mailman liked the cookies.
We just didn't give him enough.

Monica, pigeons learn faster than you.

Hey, Rach. Ahem.

I think I know what will
make you feel better.

How about you make a list about me?

Forget it. I'm not gonna stand here...

...and make a list.

Okay, you're whiny...

...you are obsessive, you are insecure...

...you're gutless.
- Heh.

You don't ever just seize the day.

You liked me for a year
and you didn't do anything about it.

And, uh... Oh, you wear
too much of that gel in your hair.

See, there. You, uh...

All right, you did what I said.

- And you know what?
- Hmm?

You're right. I do feel better.

Thank you, Ross.

Yeah, in Albany. Could I have
the number of Frank Buffay?

Okay. Um, in Ithaca?

All right, um, Saratoga?

Oneonta?

You know what?
You shouldn't call yourself Information!

Hey.

Hello, Grandma.
If that is, in fact, your real name.

Come on now, Pooh.
Don't still be mad at me.

- How's it going?
- Oh, not so good.

Upstate's pretty big.
He's pretty small. You do the math.

Well, I think you're better off without him.

Oh, honey, I know he's your daddy.

But to me,
he's still the irresponsible creep...

...who locked up your mom
and stole her Gremlin.

I know. I just wanted to know
who he was, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Okay.

I wasn't completely honest with you
when I told you that, uh, I didn't know...

...exactly where he lived.

What do you mean?

He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown.

If you hit the Dairy Queen,
you've gone too far.

You can take my cab.

Wow.

Thank you.

- Nobody else drives that cab.
- Uh-huh. Got it.

Oh.

- I'm gonna see my dad!
- Ha-ha-ha.

- Thank you.
- Oh. Ha, ha.

Mm, okay. Oh.

Wish me luck, Grandpa.

Hey.

Phoebe here with the cab yet?

Yeah, she brought the invisible cab.

Hop in!

She'd better get here.
The stores close at 7.

It'll be two hours to
Phoebe's dad's house...

...they'll meet, chat, swap life stories.

We'll still have plenty of time.

- Hey, here she comes!
- Hey.

Hey, hey.

Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Can you believe this?

In like two hours I'm gonna have a dad.

Yeah, big stuff.

- Okay, let's go.
- Okay.

- Here, you have to hold this.
- Okay.

"Brake, left. Gas, right"?

Uh-huh, that's my cheat sheet.

- Where's my seat belt?
- That side doesn't have one.

The paramedics had to cut through it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Come on, just tell me. Please, please.

For the 16th time,
no, I do not think you're obsessive.

- Oh, it's hot in here!
- Rach, get the heat.

- Ross, turn the heat down, please?
- Sure.

There's a difference between obsessive...

Ross, the heat!

Okay. Heat, heat, heat.
And I'm the obsessive one?

Okay.

This way is on.

So this is...

...off.

Did you just break the radiator?

No, I was turning the knob and...

...here it is.

Well, put it back!

It, uh...

- It won't go back.
- Ugh. I'll call the super.

Here, let me try.

Oh, oh, that's right.
I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.

Hey, it's Funny's cousin...

...Not Funny!

Hi, Mr. Treeger?

It's Rachel Green from upstairs.

Yes, somebody, uh,
broke our knob on the radiator...

...and it's really hot in here.

Yes, it's hot enough to bake cookies.

Well, do you think
we could have a new one by 6?

What? No, no. Tuesday?
We can't wait until Tuesday.

We're having a party tonight.

Okay, tip the man.

If he doesn't like our cookies, too bad.

I won't be blackmailed.

Look, if it gets a little warm...

...it can be a theme party.

Here's a theme:
"Come on in, live like bacon!"

Ooh, this is it.

Seventy-four.

Oh, so that's what this is for!

Wow.

This is it. I'm gonna meet my dad.

This is, like, the biggest thing ever, huh?

- Yeah.
- Sure is.

Here I go. I'm going in.

All right!

Good luck, Pheebs.

Okay.

Here I go.

I'm going.

Hi.

Welcome to our tropical
Christmas party, heh.

Put your coats, sweaters,
pants and shirts in the bedroom.

It's hard to tell because I'm sweating...

...but I use exactly what
the gel bottle says.

An amount about the size of a pea.
How can that be too much?

Ice?

Ice? Ice squares anyone?
Take a napkin.

All right.

Monica. Monica!

Monica, your guests are turning into jerky.

Really? I'm perfectly comfortable.

Ha, ha. Hey! Get in line, buddy.
I was next.

Mr. Treeger.

You said there was a party.

Oh, yeah.

Well, hey, welcome to our sauna.

Uh, is it hot? My body always stays cool.

Probably because I have so much skin.

Hey, cheese!

Here's the chance.
Monica, give him cash.

Rachel, give him your earrings.
Something. Anything!

No, I will not cave.

I'm with Mon.

All right. You know how you say
I never seize the day?

Even though he's your super, I'm seizing.

Mr. Treeger?

Here is 50 bucks. Merry Christmas.

Oh, wow.

I didn't get you anything.

Here's five back.

No, that's your Christmas tip.

Oh, do you think there's a chance
you can fix that radiator now?

No can do. Like I told the girl...

...I can't get a knob until Tuesday.

- Ross?
- Yeah?

He's playing baseball.

You mean hardball?

Whatever.

What you gonna do?

Excuse me. I'm seizing.

Mr. Treeger?

Here's another 50.

Happy Hanukkah.

Will, uh, this help with the knob-getting?

No.

The place is not open till Tuesday.

Am I not saying it right?

So you really did like my cookies?

Oh, yeah, they were so personal.
It really showed you cared.

Nice seizing...

...gel boy.

So, uh...

Is this, uh, mistletoe?

No, uh, that...

That is basil.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

If it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss you.

No, it's still basil.

Okay.

- How far did you get?
- Mailbox.

- All right, we're getting closer.
- Uh-huh.

What's going on?

It's just, like, a whole mess of stuff.

Like yesterday, my dad was
this famous Burma tree-surgeon guy.

And, you know, now he's, uh,
a pharmacist guy and...

Well, maybe he's this
really cool pharmacist guy.

Yeah, maybe. And I'll knock on the door...

...and he'll hug me, and I'll have a dad.

I'll go to his pharmacy
and everyone will be nice to me...

...because, you know,
I'm Frank's daughter.

So why not go knock?

Because, I mean,
what if he's not this great dad guy?

What if he's still the dirtbag
who ran out on my mom and us?

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

You know what?

I've already lost a fake dad this week.

I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.

Pheebs, that's okay.
You took a big step today.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Someday, when you're ready,
you'll make it past the hedges.

And when you do,
he'll be lucky to have you.

You guys.

Sorry about your shopping.

Oh, that's okay. We'll figure something out.

I know you're not going in there...

...but do you think it'd be all right
if I went in and used his bathroom?

That's fine, never mind.

Cool, snow!

Kind of like a blank canvas.

Ho-ho-ho-holy crap, is it hot in here!

You mind if I turn the heat down?

We could have used
that kind of thinking earlier!

So, Pheebs, how did it go?

Oh, ahem, I couldn't go in.

- Honey, I'm sorry.
- Are you okay?

Yeah, it's okay,
because I know he's there.

So that's enough for now.

Hey, it's after midnight!
Merry Christmas, everyone!

Oh, right! Merry Christmas!

The knob was broken...

...so I turned it off from underneath.
I hope that's all right.

Rach, these are for you.

Wiper blades.

I don't even have a car.

Ha, ha. No, but with this new-car smell,
you'll think you do.

Okay, Pheebs, your turn.

Toilet-seat covers.

Is that what you were doing
while I was getting gas?

- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hm.

You guys!

And for Ross...

...Mr. Sweet Tooth.

You got me a cola drink?

And a lemon-lime!

Well, this is too much. I feel like
I should get you another sweater.

And last but not least...

They're ribbed for your pleasure.

[English - US - SDH]