Friends (1994–2004): Season 2, Episode 4 - The One with Phoebe's Husband - full transcript

Mom, would you relax?

That was 10 blocks from here,
and any women won't walking alone at night.

I would never do that.

Mom, come on, stop worrying.

This is a safe street. This is
a safe building. There's nothing

Oh, my God! What are
you doing in here?!

Mom, I gotta go! IT gotta go!

Oh, my God!

That's fine, you just read the paper.

I'm gonna get a pot.

It's not for you.



Okay, that's fine.

Read the Family Circus...

...enjoy the gentle comedy....

Oh, my God, my God, my God, my God....

It's open, you guys.

Can I help you?

Does Phoebe still live here?

No, she doesn't. But I can get
a message to her.

Great. Just tell her
her husband stopped by.

Her what?

How did you do that?

The One With Phoebe's Husband

This is unbelievable, Pheebs.
How can you be married?

I'm not "married"
married, you know?



He's just a friend, and he's gay...

...and he was from Canada,
and he needed a Green Card.

I can't believe you married Duncan!

How could you not tell me?
We told each other everything.

I'm sorry, but I knew if I told you,
you'd get judgmental...

...and wouldn't approve.

Of course I wouldn't approve!

You were totally in love
with this guy who, hello, was gay.

What the hell were you thinking?

See? And you thought
she'd be judgmental.

I wasn't in love with him.
I was helping out a friend.

When he left town, you
stayed in your pajamas for a month.

And I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

Well, didn't you?

I might have.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Like you tell me everything?

What have I not told you?

I don't know.

The fact that the underwear out
on the telephone pole is yours...

...from when you had sex
with Bobby on the terrace!

What?

Wait a minute! Who told you?

You are dead meat.

I didn't know it was a big secret.

Oh, it's not big. Not at all.

IKind of the same as, say...

... I don't know, having
a third nipple!

You have a third nipple?

You bitch!

Whip it out! Whip it out!

There's nothing to see! It's a
tiny bump. It's totally useless.

As opposed to your other
multi-functional nipples?

I can't believe you!
You told me it was a nubbin.

Joey, what did you think
a nubbin was?

You see something, you hear a word,
I thought that's what it was.

-Let me see it again!
-Yes, show us your nubbin!

Joey was in a porno movie!

If I'm going down,
I'm taking everybody with me!

-Oh, my God!
-You were in a porno?!

I was young and I just wanted a job.

But I couldn't go through with it.

They let me be the guy who fixes
the copier but can't...

...because there's people
having sex on it.

That is wild!

-What's it shaped like?
-ls it hairy?

What happens if you flick it?

So does it do anything,
you know, special?

Pressing my third nipple
opens the delivery entrance...

...to the magical land of Narnia.

In some cultures, having a third nipple
is actually a sign of virility.

You get the best huts,
and women dance naked around you.

Are any of these cultures,
per chance, in the Tri-State area?

You know, you are so amazing.
Is there anything you don't know?

Julie's so smart!
Julie's so special!

I wanted you to hook up
with Ross as much as you did.

But he's with her now.
You'll have to get over it.

Oh, I'm going to have to get over it.

I didn't know that's what I had to do.
I just have to get over it.

-Sassy lady!
-Where are you going?

I'm meeting Duncan.
He's skating tonight at the Garden.

He's in the Capades.

-The lce Capades?
-No, the Gravel Capades.

The turns aren't as fast,
but when Snoopy falls? Funny.

I can't believe
you'd dress up for him.

You're setting yourself up
all over again.

Okay, no.

For your information, I'm seeing him
so I can put those feelings behind me.

The reason I'm dressed like this
is because I think it's nice...

...to look nice for your gay husband.

Darn it, we're all out of milk.

Chandler, will you fill me up here?

I see, I see. Because of
the third-nipple thing.

Okay, sweetie, I'll see you later.

-See you later, Rach.
-Bye-bye, Julie.

Come on, cut it out!

-Can I ask you something?
-Sure.

What?

Come on, talk to me.

What's the longest you've been
in a relationship before...

... having the sex?

Why? Who's not?
Are you and Julie not?

Are you and Julie not having sex?

Technically?

No.

Is it because she's so cold in bed?

Or because she's kind of bossy,
makes it feel like school?

No! She's great. And it's not
like we haven't done anything.

We do plenty of other stuff.
Lots of other stuff like

No! Don't need to know the details.

No, it's just....

It's me.

I've only been with
one woman my whole life...

...and she turned out to be a lesbian.

So now I've got myself
all psyched out.

It's become, like, this...

...this thing!

You must just think I'm weird.

No, I don't think it's weird.

I think, in fact....

-ln fact, you know what I think?
-What?

I think it's sexy.

Sexy?

Let me tell you something.
As a woman...

...there is nothing sexier...

...than a man who does not
want to have sex.

No kidding?

You know what I'd do?

I'd wait.

-You'd wait?
-Absolutely. I would wait...

...and wait....

Then I'd wait some more.

Really?

I don't care if she tells you
she wants it, she begs, she pleads...

...she tells you she's gonna
have sex with another man

That just means it's working.

Women really want this?

More than jewelry.

Look at you! You look great!

Do l? Thank you.

So do you. Sparkly!

This is pretty wonderful,
Mr. Major Capades Guy!

I remember when you were just
King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice Is Nice.

You always said I'd make it.

Well, you know,
I'm kind of spooky that way.

Gosh, I missed you!

-I'm gonna get changed.
-Okay.

Now.

Oh! Right. Okay.

Ole!

What?

The Matador....

Ole!

Sweetie, can you
hold this for a second?

Sorry, you had a
paleontologist on your face.

But it's gone now.
You're all right.

Hi, everyone.

I wanted to thank you
for our little talk before.

No problem! So you're gonna
go with the waiting thing?

I was going to, but after
I talked to you, I talked to Joey.

Good. What did he say?

He told me to get over myself
and just do it.

I thought about what you said
and about what he said.

And his way, I get
to have sex tonight, so....

What is this in my pocket?

Why, it's Joey's porno movie!

Pop it in!

I'm fine, if you're
okay watching a video...

...filled with two-nippled people.

People having sex.
That's just what I need to see.

What's wrong with people having sex?

Well, you know, these
movies are offensive...

...and degrading
to women and females....

And the lighting's
always unflattering.

-Monica, help me out here.
-Hell, I wanna see Joey!

So is there a story?
Or do they just start doing it right

Oh. Never mind.

Wait a minute. That is the craziest
typing test I've ever seen.

All I say is, she'd
better get the job.

Looks to me like he's
the one getting the job.

Here I come.

See, I'm coming to fix the copier.

I can't get to the copier.
I'm thinking, "What do I do?"

So I just watch them have sex.

Then I say Here's my line!

You know, that's bad
for the paper tray.

Nice work, my friend!

Wait, you see me again. Hang on,
the guy's butt's blocking me.

There I am. There I am.
There I am....

So what's up?
You came to see me yesterday.

I kind of need a divorce.

O...

... kay.

How come?

Actually, I'm getting married again.

What?

I don't know how to tell you this.

I'm straight.

I don't understand.
How can you be straight?

You're so smart and funny...

...and you throw
such great Academy Award parties!

That's what I kept telling myself.

But you reach a point
where you can't live a lie anymore.

How long have you known?

I guess on some level
I always knew I was straight.

I thought I was supposed
to be something else.

I'm an ice dancer, all my friends
are gay. I was just trying to fit in.

And there's actually a woman?

Her name's Debra.

Well, is she the first
that you've been with?

I've never told you this...

... but there were one
or two times back in college when...

... I'd get drunk,
go to a straight bar...

...and wake up with
a woman next to me.

I told myself it was the liquor,
and everyone experiments in college.

Sure.

Now I know I don't have a choice.
I was born this way!

I don't know what to say.

You're married to someone for
six years and you think you know him.

And then one day he says,
"Oh, I'm not gay!"

I'm still me.

Why couldn't you just have
figured this out six years ago?

You know, it still
smells like monkey in there.

That saves us the conversation.

This has been great,
but I'm officially wiped.

Me too. We should get going.

No! Come on, you guys!

Come on, it's only 1 1 :30.

Let's just talk. We never just
hang out and talk anymore.

Rachel, that's all we do.

Maybe that's all we do.
What about Julie?

What about Julie?

You have been in our lives
for nearly two months now...

...and we don't really know you.

I mean, who is Julie?

What do you like?
What don't you like?

We want to know everything.

Well, that could take awhile.

So?

Who here does not have
the time to get to know Julie?

I got the time to get to know Julie.

I know her pretty well.
Can I go?

That's fine.

Let's start with your childhood.
What was that like?

In a nutshell

So, have you told your parents?

No, but it'll be okay.
They're pretty cool.

My brother's straight, so....

Here you go.

You know what?
I just have one more question.

If you had figured this out sooner,
and I had been around...

...do you think l
would have been the one...?

No. Don't tell me.

I don't think either answer
would make me feel better. Here.

I love you, Phoebe.

So your brother's straight, huh?

Seriously.

and my second-grade teacher
was Miss Thomas...

...and my first-grade teacher
was Mrs. Cobb.

Mrs. Gobb?

No, Cobb. Like cobb salad.

What exactly is in a cobb salad?

I'm going home.

Boy, that Julie's a talker, huh?

Good night.

It's pretty late. You're
probably not still planning on....

No, I am.

Are you nervous?

I have done it before.

I mean, how are
you gonna handle it?

Are you gonna talk about it beforehand?
Are you just gonna pounce?

I don't know. I guess
I'm just gonna...

...see what happens.

Good luck!

What?

Nothing....

It is your first time with her,
and if the first time doesn't go well...

...well then, that's pretty darn
hard to recover from.

Okay, now I'm nervous.

Maybe you should put it off.

No, I don't want to put it off!

I spent last year being
so unbelievably miserable.

And now I'm actually happy.

You know, I mean really happy.

I just don't wanna....

I don't wanna mess it up, you know?

I know.

I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

Right.

Maybe it doesn't
have to be this tough.

Maybe you were on the right track
with that whole "spontaneous" thing.

-Women really like that.
-Really?

I mean if it were me,
I'd want you to....

I don't know, catch me off guard
with a really...

...good kiss.

Really sort of soft at first.

And then maybe brush
the hair away from my face.

And then look far into my eyes...

...in a way that lets me
know something...

...amazing is about to happen.

And then, I don't know, then...

...you'd pull me
really close to you so that...

...so that I'd be pressed up
right against you.

And it would get kind of...

...sweaty...

...and blurry.

And then it's just happening.

Thanks, Rach. Good night!

Oh, God!

Good morning!

Well, somebody got some last night!

Twice!