Friends (1994–2004): Season 2, Episode 24 - The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding - full transcript
Joey has a problem: he has to kiss a guy for an audition and Warren Beatty told him he was a bad kisser. Joey wants to practice kissing a guy with Chandler. Rachel is maid of honor for Barry and Mindy's wedding. She has to wear a horrible pink dress. Monica thinks about getting married to Richard. Richard tells her he sees a future with Monica but not with kids. Chandler has a relationship over the Internet. Turns out the girl is married. Ross, Rachel, Richard and Monica go to the wedding. Rachel feels uncomfortable because Barry's parents told everyone she ran away from Barry because she was crazy after having had syphilis. Ross saves Rachel by making a speech about her courage to show up at the wedding. Richard tells Monica he'll have a child with her if he has to in order not to lose her. Monica doesn't want a child with someone who doesn't really want to have one. Chandler's meets his cyber space friend and they kiss.
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RACHEL: How did the audition go?
- Incredible.
I met the director.
You'll never believe who it was.
Who?
I'll give you one hint.
Warren Beatty.
Wow.
There's just one thing
that might be a problem.
See, I had to kiss this guy.
Because he was just so darn cute?
No, part of the audition.
I'm up for the part of this guy...
...who the main guy kisses.
Well, you're an actor. I say
you just suck it up and you do it.
Or you just do it.
I did do it.
I'm a professional.
- What's the problem?
JOEY: After the scene...
...Mr. Beatty comes up to me and
he says, "Good actor. Bad kisser."
Can you believe that?
Me, not a good kisser.
That's like...
...Mother Teresa, not a good mother. Pfft.
Who cares what that guy thinks?
What does Warren Beatty
know about kissing? Heh.
Oh. Heh, heh.
The One With Barry and Mindy's Wedding
CHANDLER:
What did your agent say?
Yep. This kiss thing is
definitely a problem.
Mr. Beatty wants to see it again
on Monday.
Man, I gotta figure out
what I'm doing wrong.
Oh, okay. One of you girls
come over here and kiss me.
- Forget it.
- Yeah, right.
Hey, come on.
I need your help here.
I'll do it. I've kissed him before.
I can do it again.
See this, huh? This is a friend.
Uh-huh. Let's go.
Oh, wait. I have gum.
Okay.
Good. Very good. Firm, but tender.
I'd recommend you to a friend.
Then I don't know
what the problem is.
Maybe you're not used
to kissing men.
Maybe you tensed up a little.
Maybe you need to work on it.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Over my dead body.
And I'll be using
his dead body as a shield.
Come out, honey.
I'm telling you, you look good.
Tell her she looks good.
Tell her she looks good.
Oh, my God! Ha, ha, ha.
You look so good!
I cannot believe I have to walk down
the aisle in front of 200 people...
...looking like something
you drink when you're nauseous.
So don't.
I don't see why we have to go to this thing.
It's your ex-fiancé's wedding.
Because I promised Mindy I would.
Yeah, well, you promised Barry
you'd marry him.
RACHEL: You guys, I have to go.
I'm the maid of honor.
Besides, I need to be in a room
again with these people...
...and feel good about myself.
[CHANDLER LAUGHING]
Someone's wearing the same clothes
they had on last night. Get a little action?
I may have.
Whoo-hoo! Stud!
- What's she look like?
CHANDLER: We haven't met.
We stayed up all night talking
on the Internet.
Whoo-hoo! Geek!
I like this girl.
I seriously like this girl.
You know how I tend to get
a little defended and quippy?
- Get out.
- No. Please.
Well, she called me on it, okay?
She said, "Cut it out, get real."
And I did.
Wow.
What's that like?
It's like this. Me.
No jokes.
Stop it.
You're freaking me out.
Yeah. I don't like you this way.
RICHARD:
I'll see you guys later.
RACHEL: Bye, Richard.
- Bye-bye.
Bye, sweetie. I love you.
I love you too.
I think my boyfriend's
ever so dreamy.
I wonder what
our wedding will be like.
What are you talking about?
What wedding?
Come on. You never talk about that?
No, never.
We're just living in the moment.
It is so nice for once not to get
hung up on, "Where is this going?"
- Afraid to ask him?
- Could not be more terrified.
I think you should
seriously consider marriage.
Give Rachel another chance to dress
like Princess Bubble Yum.
MONICA:
Where's Benny?
There he is!
Where's Benny?
There he is!
That's probably why babies learn to talk,
so they can tell grownups to cut it out.
Hey, I got a question for you.
Just a little thing, no pressure.
Okay.
Do you ever, uh, think about the future?
Sure, I do.
Yeah? Am I in it?
Honey...
...you are it.
Oh, God.
You're about to get so lucky.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Keep talking.
- Well...
...sometimes I think about
selling my practice.
We could move to France.
- Make French toast.
- Ooh.
Okay, so...
...we're in France...
...and we're making the toast.
Do you see a little bassinet
in the corner?
Like a hound?
Not a basset.
A bassinet.
You really need the bassinet?
Well, I just think the baby
would keep falling off the dog.
- Do you not see kids in our future?
- Oh. Heh.
I love children.
I have children.
I don't wanna be 70
when our kids go off to college...
...and our life can finally start.
- Hm.
- Look.
I want you...
...now.
Well, that's great.
We don't need to talk about this now.
Really, I mean this is so, like,
way, way, way in the future.
I'm talking hovercrafts
and apes taking over the planet. Heh, heh.
Come on, Chandler.
I want this part so much.
Just one kiss.
I won't tell anyone.
Joey, no means no.
Hey.
I'm sorry,
we don't have your sheep.
Aw, Rach, I think you look cute.
And you. You...
- You, I could eat you with a spoon.
- Get away from me. I said no.
Richard buzzed. He's downstairs.
Richard's here?
I should run down, say goodbye to him.
RACHEL: Bye.
PHOEBE: Good luck.
How's your date
with your cyber-chick going?
Hey, what is all that?
It's a web site.
It's the Guggenheim Museum.
She likes art...
...and I like funny words.
What does she mean by "H.H."?
It means we're holding hands.
Are you the cutest?
I'm afraid I might just be.
I think it's so great
that you're totally into this person...
...yet for all you know, she could be
90 years old or have two heads.
It could be a guy.
It's not a guy, all right?
I know her.
It could be like a big, giant guy.
Man, I got this close to him,
and Monica kneed me in the back.
What's going on?
We're wondering if
Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.
Ask her how long she's gonna live.
Women live longer than men.
How do you not fall down more?
Okay, ask her what is her method
of birth control.
All right.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
"My husband is sleeping
with his secretary."
She's married?
At least we know she's a woman.
I can't believe she's married.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
This must be really tough for you.
I read this article that says
you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings...
...because when pigeons eat rice,
it kills them.
That's why you never see
pigeons in sushi bars.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- See, we're having fun.
- Oh, absolutely.
I'm not even thinking about that thing
that we're not gonna think about.
Neither am I.
Hey, there.
Are you all right?
Yeah. But in the bathroom, I saw
the window I crawled out of at my wedding.
And, God, I just started thinking
I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't.
People are gonna be looking at me and
judging me and thinking about the last time.
Sweetie, it's gonna be okay.
It's a wedding.
Generally, people focus on the bride.
I know, you're right.
Alrighty.
Everybody look at me. Good.
It's time. Bridesmaids and ushers...
...let's see two lines.
Thank you.
I'll see you after the thing.
- Okay. Good luck.
- Thank you. Okay.
Okay.
Ah.
Why didn't you tell me?
What could I do?
Stand up and shout,
"Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!"
Oh, my God. This is so humiliating.
The only thing that tops that
was when I was in eighth grade...
...and I had to sing the "Copacabana"
in front of the entire school.
Two lines into it, I ran and freaked out.
Oh, my God. My entire life's flashing
before my eyes.
Rach, look, I remember that.
It wasn't so bad.
Ross, would you stop!
You got me. I'm dating you.
MR. WEINBERG:
Rachel.
Hi, Mr. Weinberg. Hi, Mrs. Weinberg.
It's wonderful
to see you again, my dear.
In fact, I hardly expected
to see so much.
- You told me you didn't see anything.
- I tell you a lot of things.
Well, it's wonderful to have you
up and about again, dear.
MR. WEINBERG:
Stay well.
That's the third time someone has
said something like that to me today.
- Rach!
RACHEL: Hi.
- Oh, my God, I'm married!
- I know!
I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter,
hyphen, Farber.
I am so proud of you, Min.
Min.
Oh, Rach. Still here.
At our wedding, they were packing up
the chopped liver about now.
Yeah, I love that story.
Ahem. I have a question for you guys.
Why do people keep saying
it's good to see me up and about?
After you ran out on your wedding...
...Barry's parents told people
you were sort of...
...insane.
- Insane?
- From the syphilis.
What?
What were they gonna say?
You didn't love me anymore? Come on.
Angela?
Joey Tribbiani.
Listen, what are you doing tonight?
I know you're seeing that guy.
I was thinking maybe you could bring him...
Hello? Hello?
[COMPUTER BLEEPING]
You gonna answer her? That's the 10th
bing-bong message she's sent.
- She wants to know what's wrong.
- What's wrong? You're married!
That's what's wrong!
[COMPUTER BLEEPING]
Oh, my.
- What?
- She wants to meet you in person.
Look, Phoebe,
I wanted to meet her in person too.
But she's married.
She has a husband.
What if the husband is the wrong guy
and you are the right guy?
You don't get chances like this
all the time.
If you don't meet her, you'll
kick yourself when you're 80...
...which is hard to do
and that's how you break a hip.
Okay. I'll do it.
Okay, great! Put on your shoes
and then march out there and meet her.
No, wait! You have
to take a shower because ew!
And I'll get the...
[COMPUTER BLEEPING]
No, you have to answer her.
Answer her first.
No, make some coffee
because it's too much.
MAN [SINGING]:
Tall and tan, and young and lovely
Okay, one more, please.
I'm gonna get it in this time.
Okay, last chance.
Again, I'm sorry.
You know what, maybe I don't
need to have children.
Maybe I just think I do
because that's what society...
...and by that I mean my mom...
...has always convinced me that l...
But I want her so badly
I do.
I have to have children.
I'm sorry, I just do.
[TAPPING ON GLASS]
BEST MAN:
Yo, could I have your attention?
Best man making a toast here.
Thank you. Ahem.
I remember when Barry got home
from his first date with Rachel.
WOMAN:
Huh?
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
What? You hired the same band.
I can't use the same speech?
[DRUMS BEATING]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Anyway, I wish you both...
...a wonderful life together.
MINDY: Aw.
And, Rachel.
- What?
- No, no, in all seriousness.
Not a lot of women would
have the guts to come back here.
And even fewer who'd do it
with their asses hanging out.
[DRUMS BEATING]
That's it.
[ROSS TAPS GLASS]
I'd like to add something to that.
- What are you adding? What are you adding?
- It's okay. It's okay.
Most of you don't know me.
I'm Rachel's boyfriend...
Oh, dear God.
...Ross.
And I'd just like to say that...
...it did take a lot of courage
for Rachel to come here tonight.
And just for the record...
...she did not run out on Barry
because she had syphilis.
[DRUMS BEATING]
What are you doing? I'm serious.
The reason...
...she walked out on Barry
is simply that...
...she didn't love him.
Which, incidentally,
worked out pretty well for me. Heh, heh.
Cheers.
- See you in the parking lot.
- No, Rach.
BARRY: And once again,
she is out of here!
Okay, who had 9:45? Hm?
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
RACHEL:
Heh.
You know what, Bar?
I'm not gonna leave.
I probably should, but I'm not.
I promised myself I'd make it
through at least one of your weddings.
Tonight, all I wanted was
to make it through this evening...
...with a little bit of grace
and dignity.
Well, I guess we can all agree
that's not gonna happen.
I guess there's nothing
really left to say...
...except...
SINGING:
Her name was Lola
She was a showgirl
With yellow feath...
Feathers in her hair
And a dress cut down to there
She would...
Merengue
- Merengue
Thank you, honey.
And do the cha-cha
And while she'd like to be a star
Tony always tended bar
Wait, wait!
Everybody!
ALL [SINGING]:
Copa
Copacabana
The hottest spot north of Havana
At the Copa
Copacabana
Music and passion were always
In fashion at the Copa
[BAND PLAYING
"SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME"]
There's a somebody I'm longing...
Okay.
I'll do it.
You'll do what?
If kids is what it takes to be with you,
then kids it is.
Oh, my God.
If I have to,
I'll do it all again.
I'll do the 4:00 feeding thing.
I'll go to the PTA meetings.
I'll coach the soccer team.
- Really?
- Yeah, if I have to.
Monica...
...I don't wanna lose you.
So if I have to do it all again...
...then I will.
You are the most wonderful man.
And if you hadn't have said...
..."If I have to," like, 17 times...
...then I'd be saying, "Okay, let's do it."
But you're not.
Oh, my God. I can't believe
what I'm getting ready to say.
I wanna have a baby.
But I don't want to have one with
someone who doesn't really want to have one.
God.
[SIGHS]
I love you.
I know you do.
Me too.
So what now?
I guess we just...
...keep dancing.
Someone to watch
Over me
CHANDLER:
Where is she? Where is she?
Oh, hey, I have a question.
Where is she?
Chandler. Relax, Chandler.
She'll be here.
CHANDLER:
Oh, oh, oh. That's her.
Yeah, because life's just that kind.
PHOEBE:
You gotta stop staring at the door...
...like a watched pot.
If you keep looking at it,
the door's never gonna boil.
I think what you have to do
is try not to...
Oh, my God.
Oh...
...my...
...God.
GROUP:
Oh...
...my...
...God.
All right.
I've been feeling incredibly guilty
because I wanna be a good friend.
And damn it, I am a good friend.
So shut up and close your eyes.
Wow.
You are a good friend.
The audition was this morning,
and I didn't get it.
But that was a hell of a kiss.
Rachel is a very lucky girl.
[English - US - SDH]