Friends (1994–2004): Season 2, Episode 20 - The One Where Old Yeller Dies - full transcript

-What you guys doing?
-Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.

Why are you guys upset?
It's Old Yeller. It's a happy movie.

-What?
-What are you talking about?

Come on. Happy family gets a dog.

Frontier fun!

Pheebs, what about the end?

When Yeller saves the family
and everyone's happy?

That's not the end.

That's when my mother would
shut off the TV and say, "The end."

What about when he has rabies?

He doesn't have rabies.
He has babies.



That's what my mom said.

I don't think she'd want you
to see what's about to happen.

Why? What's about to happen?

I've never seen this part.

Hey, Travis, what you doing
with that gun?

Oh, no.

No, no, Travis, put down the gun.

No, no, he's your buddy.
He's your Yeller.

No! The end! The end!

Okay, what kind of a sick
doggy snuff film is this?

The One Where Old Yeller Dies

Have you guys eaten? Richard and l
just finished, and we've got leftovers.

Chicken and potatoes.

What am I wearing?



Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

One of these times, you'll really
be naked and we won't come over.

That teach me a lesson.

I got a leg, three breasts
and a wing.

How do you find clothes that fit?

Hey, Monica? We got a question.

All right, yes, I see other women
in the shower at the gym.

And no, I don't look.

No, not that one.

We're figuring out who to bring
to the Nicks game.

Ross can't go, so it's between my friend
Eric Prower, who has breath issues...

...and Dan, with the poking.
"Did you see that play?"

"You want more beer?
Is that Spike Lee?"

Why don't you ask Richard?

Richard, if you had an extra
ticket to the Nicks game...

...and you had to choose between
a friend who smelled...

...and one who bruises you,
who would you pick?

Being a huge Nicks fan myself...

... I think you should take someone
who's a huge Nicks fan.

That's Eric.

Glad to be of help.
Matches.

I meant, why don't you
take Richard to the game?

What?

-I don't know.
-Come on!

He keeps his fingers to himself,
and he's always minty fresh.

Richard's really nice.
We just don't know him really well.

Plus, he's old

er than some people.

But younger than some buildings.

So what, he's a little older.
Big deal.

He's important to me.

If you ask him,
he might take you in his Jag.

How do we say yes...

...and make it seem like it's not
just to ride in the cool car?

Okay, this could be tough.

We'll bring him,
but only if he takes the Jaguar.

You almost had it.

No, no, you're fine. You're fine.

Hi, honey.

You are not gonna believe
what happened!

We were playing on the floor,
and he grabs the table...

...and he pulls himself up!

He pulled himself up!

Standing man!

I'm sorry you missed it,
but I did tape it if you wanna see it.

We know. He already did it last week.

You can watch our tape if you want.

See, I don't believe this.
I missed the first time of everything.

The first time he rolled over,
the first time he crawled.

What else? Has he spoken?
Is he driving?

Does he have a favorite liqueur?

He is getting closer
on the talking thing.

He can't quite say "mama" yet,
but once he said "Yemen."

See, I don't know.
I'm so sick of missing stuff.

I want him for more than a day.
I want him for a whole weekend.

Listen. I feel

That would be great.

Really? I had a whole speech prepared.

Oh, shoot, that would've been fun.

Did you just see that?

Did you see? He just waved!
He just waved!

He's never waved before!

Yes, he has. Very good.

What you got there?

Love Story, Brian's Song and
Terms of Endearment.

All you need now is The Killing Fields
and guacamole, and you got a party!

I talked to my grandma
about the Old Yeller incident...

...and she said my mom used to not
show us the ends of sad movies...

...to shield us from
the pain and sadness.

You know, before she killed herself.

Where's Richard?
Did you ditch him?

After we stole his lunch money
and gave him a wedgie.

What's the matter?
He's parking the car.

-Did you guys have fun?
-Your boyfriend is so cool.

He let us drive his Jaguar.
Joey for 12 blocks. Me for 15.

He must like you best.

What about when he tipped the guy
who showed us to our seats?

You never even saw the money.

Hey, Chandler, thanks for
showing us to our seats.

You're welcome. Hey, Joey,
thanks for parking the car.

No problem.

-Hey, Chandler
-I think they get it.

There's the man!

Hey, you're getting better.

I'm gonna keep this.

He kept my dollar.

Your first weekend without Ben.
What are you doing?

We're going to
colonial Williamsburg.

A woman I went to college with is
the first female blacksmith there.

They're a little behind the times
in colonial Williamsburg.

Look, I better go
before Mommy starts weeping.

-We love you.
-Bye, Mommy.

Have a good time.

Look.

Joey, do you know
we can see you from here?

How come Richard looks cooler
with one of these?

You may wanna light it
and lose the spatula.

It's cute, you trying
to be more like Richard.

Not like him, per se.

Just not unlike him.

It's the artist formerly known
as Chandler.

I'm just trying something here,
you know?

Why didn't you grow a mustache?

We flipped for it.

I got the cigar,he got the mustache.

If we both grew them,
we'd look like dorks.

You really sidestepped
that land mine.

I promised Richard
we'd meet him downstairs.

You're meeting Richard?

-Ranger game.
-Didn't he tell you?

He said he was going out with the guys.
I didn't know that was you.

You hear that?

We're the guys!

With that mustache,
he reminds me of Aunt Sylvia.

Thank you!

Hi. We're visiting.

It's Ben and his dada.

Can you say "dada"?

I'm telling your mommies you said it,
so you might as well.

No luck, huh?

A while ago,
I got a "seh" out of him...

...which I thought might turn into
"seh-condary caregiver," but....

Would you hold him for a sec?
I gotta take this off.

Sure. Okay.

What are you doing?

I'm holding Ben.

He's a baby, not a bomb.

Hold him like you'd hold a football.

This is how I would hold a football.

Here. Here. There we go.

Sorry, I'm not very good with babies.
I haven't been around them.

I mean, you know, since I was one.

-It's all right. No big deal.
-Really?

I'm sure you'll feel different
when it's our baby.

-What?
-What?

You think about stuff like that?

Yeah. I mean....

Actually, I kind of think
that we'll have two babies.

Two babies?

You know, a boy and a girl.

Hopefully, the girl will come first,
so Ben won't feel competitive.

Then what's gonna happen?

We won't wanna raise kids in the city,
so we'll move to Scarsdale.

We'll be far enough from our parents
so we don't have to see them...

... but close enough
that they can baby-sit.

And yes, I know the taxes are
a little higher than Nassau County...

... but the school system's great.

Wow, that's great! Great!

Okay, wow! You know what?

I'm off my break now.

Here. You take this.

I'm gonna go pour these
very nice people some coffee.

Look at that. I don't have a pot.

I don't have a pot.
Maybe I've got one at home.

Or in Scarsdale.
Hey, is that a door?

Hey, Pheebs. What's happening?

Murder, cancer, soccer teams eating
each other in the Andes.

I was really just need a small talk.

Ok, I was just fanting.

So you watched the movies?

What is happening to the world?

I mean....
No, no, because E.T. Ieaves...

...and Rocky loses. Charlotte dies.

Charlotte who?

With the web. The spider.

She dies. She has babies and dies.

It's like, "Welcome home
from the hospital." Thud!

You wanna feel better?

Here. Watch this.

It's a Wonderful Life.
I've heard of this.

So you can't lose.
It's there in the title.

Wonderfulness is baked right in.

I fell for that with
Pride of the Yankees.

I thought I'd see a film
about Yankee pride.

And boom! The guy gets
Lou Gehrig's disease.

The guy was Lou Gehrig.
Didn't you kind of see it coming?

Watch that. It'll restore
all your faith in humanity.

Hey, big guy. Game time.

-Hey! Be right there!
-There's a game?

I just got my Pik-Up Stiks
back from the shop.

Bring your nerves of steel.

It's the basketball playoffs.

I appreciate this, but you don't
have to hang out with them for me.

They have each other.

Oh, no, honey. I mean, don't worry.

I like hanging out with them.
They're different than my other friends.

They don't start sentences with
"You know who just died shoveling snow?"

All right, that's great.
Then just go.

Go Nicks!

It's the college playoffs.

-Then, go Vassar!
-They're not in it.

Okay, then just go.

Why does this bother me so much?

I'm not one of those people who wants
to spend 24 hours a day together.

Sure.

He just doesn't have much free time.
What do I do?

Does it matter? You'll just die
or divorce or blow your pet's head off.

Me too!

Rachel, I got a question. Richard
made plans again with the guys

Ross made plans for the century.

I'm gonna go read Cosmo.
Maybe there's something helpful in it.

If not, I can learn how to do a bikini
wax with leftover Christmas candles.

What happened back there?

I don't know. You tell me.

One minute I'm holding Ben,
then I've got two kids...

... I'm living in Scarsdale
complaining about taxes!

Well, I'm sorry.
I think about stuff.

You're at work, you're assembling bones,
your mind wanders.

You've planned out the next 20 years.
We've dated for six weeks!

You never think about our future?

I think about whose apartment
we'll sleep at tomorrow...

...and where we'll have dinner
next Saturday!

I do not think about
our children's names!

You know what our
children's names will be?

No, I mean, you know. I read a book,
and there was a girl named Emily.

And I thought that might be good.

What book?

The Big Book of Children's Names.

Okay, listen.

What we have is amazing.

But I do not want
everything decided for me!

I spent my whole life like that.

It's what I had with Barry.
That's a reason I left.

I like not knowing right now.

Sorry if that scares you, but if you
wanna be with me, deal with that!

-Okay, fine!
-Thank you!

-We're not done!
-I didn't know that.

You're with a guy who won't stop
planning his future with you.

He knows we'll end up together.

If that scares you, tough!
You'll have to deal with that.

-I will!
-Good, because I love you!

Oh, yeah? I love you too!

-That's the first time we've said that!
-Yes, it is!

-I'm gonna kiss you!
-You better!

Thanks for the great movie tip.

-Did you like it?
-Oh, yeah.

I don't know if I was happier when
George Bailey destroyed the business...

...or Donna Reed cried or when
the pharmacist made his ear bleed.

I'll give you the ear thing,
but wasn't the ending wonderful?

I didn't watch it.
I was too depressed.

It kept getting worse!
It should've been called:

"It's a Sucky Life, And Just When You
Think It Can't Suck Anymore, It Does!"

IKick, save! And...

...denied!

He gets it back.
Pass to the middle, lines it up....

Yes!

Could that shot be any prettier?

Man, you are incredible.

We had a table in college.

Really? I didn't know they had
foosball in the 1800s.

Nice mustache. At puberty,
that thing will really kick in.

Not to sound too Florence Henderson,
but dinner's on the table.

One more point.

Score!

Now can we go?

That's why we don't let her play.

Is everything all right?

Don't be mad at him.
It's our fault.

I'm sorry we've been hogging his time.

He's just really great
to hang out with.

-Well....
-No, seriously.

We just talked about this.
He is so much cooler than our dads.

Our dads are okay and all,
but Richard is just

What are you kicking me for?

I'm trying to talk here.

You guys see me as a dad?

-Oh, yeah!
-No!

You're just clearly not familiar
with our young persons' vernacular.

When we say "dad," we mean "buddy."

We mean "pal."

No, seriously. Joey's my dad.

Monica's my dad.

I've even got some dads down at work.

That's fine.

Well, your other dad and I are gonna
go have a romantic evening.

I'll just see you kids around.

Nighty-night.

You're not a dad!

I can't believe you got us
into trouble.

So are you okay?

Just...

... I feel like I'm about a hundred.

I thought I was just one of the guys.

Come here.

I'll make you feel like
one of the guys.

For a really cool guy,
you suck at foosball.

I was killing them.

Yeah, well they suck too.

You take the poopy diaper
and put it in the poopy diaper pail.

Calling it a "poopy diaper"
doesn't make this process any cuter.

-It's us.
-Come on up.

I'll get his stuff together.

Okay, we can do this now,
can't we, Ben?

Yes, we can.

Yes, we can.

There! I did it!

I did it!

Look at that!

It stays on and everything.

I'm sorry. What did you just say?
Did you just say "hi"?

Oh, my God! Ross?
Ben just said hi!

-What?
-Ben just said hi!

What, the word "hi"?

No, my Uncle Hi.

Great! And I missed that too.
I miss everything!

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I just
bring it out in him.

-Where is he?
-We missed you.

We missed you so much!
Come here, Ben.

Guess what?
Ben just said his first word.

What did he say?

Something about hi.

That's so exciting!
Mommy's so proud of you!

You know, actually,
it's more like, hi!

This could go on for a while.

You're right.
We've got a cab waiting.

Well, this was fun.

We should do it again sometime, Ben.
What do you say?

-All right, so I've got him...?
-Tuesday.

Bye, you guys.

-Take care.
-Bye, Ben.

Did he just say "bye"?

He said bye!

You said bye!
He said bye to me!

Yes, he did!

Suddenly I'm seeing him
go off to college!

We've gotta go.
We've got that cab downstairs.

See you later.

Look at this nice deep hole I dug.
Hey, Bert...

...isn't this a nice hole here?

Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries
Bert in the sand and can't find him.

Now, I've looked ahead on the tape,
and he does find him again.

But before that happens,
there's some rough going for a while.

But I think we can handle it.

And there's just the alphabet,
but we know that ends well, so....

Here we go.

Bert? Bert?

What happened to my friend Bert?
He was here just a moment ago.

Oh, no! My old friend Bert is lost.

I'm so glad you're here.