Friends (1994–2004): Season 2, Episode 19 - The One Where Eddie Won't Go - full transcript

Even accommodating gentleman Chandler loses it when he finds out Eddie has been sneaking in his bedroom to watch him sleep. When the girls read a pseudo-poetical hardcore feminist bestseller, it quickly stirs trouble between Rachel and Ross and amongst the three girls. Now Joey has lost his job, his two-envelope Visa-bill leaves him no other choice then to audition for a measly part beneath a former soap star's dignity and standing by as unpaid stuff is carried off, except a porcelain dog which Ross ransoms after regretting having told Joey to do anything for material security, as he would. Since Eddie simply forgets his move marching orders, Chandler first spends a night at Monica's but then finds the perfect way to solve both his and Joey's problem.

Hey, Eddie.

-What are you doing here?
-Watching you sleep.

Why?

It makes me feel peaceful.

Please.

I can't sleep now!

You want me to sing?

That's it. I want you
out of the apartment now!

What are you talking about?

Hannibal Lecter?

Better roommate than you.



I don't think you're being fair! One
night you see me and you get scared.

What about the other nights
when you don't see me?

Last night you went
and got some water...

...and I was nice enough
to hide behind the door.

I didn't realize that.

Get out now!

You really want me out?

Yes, please.

Then I want to hear you say
you want me out.

I want you out.

I want to hear it from your lips.

Where'd you hear it before?

All right. You know what?
Consider me gone.

I will go to my brother's basement.
When he find out, I will find another man's house.



I'll be out by the time
you get home from work tomorrow.

-Thank you.
-I heard that.

The One Where Eddie Won't Go

Well, look at you!

Finally got that
time machine working, huh?

You like it?

This guy was selling them
on 8th Avenue and I thought...

... "You know what I don't have?"

A mirror?

Fine, make fun.
I think it's jaunty.

For a guy who's recently lost his job,
you're in a good mood.

I'll be all right.
I'm not starting from square one.

I was Dr. Drake Ramoray
on Days of our Lives.

That's got to have some kind of cachet.

Cachet? Jaunty?

Chandler gave me
word-of-the-day toilet paper.

I'm gonna get some coffee.

Go on, you know you want to.

So? Did you read the book?

Oh, my God.
It was incredible!

Didn't it, like,
totally speak to you?

What book is this?

You have to read this book.
It's called Be Your Own Wind Keeper.

It's about how women need
to become more empowered.

But there's wind.

And the wind can make us goddesses.

Do you know who takes our wind?
Men. They just take it.

Men just take our wind?

All the time. Because they
are the lightning-bearers.

That sounds kind of cool.
It's like The Hobbit.

It is nothing like The Hobbit.

It's like reading about
every relationship I've ever had.

Except for Richard.

Richard would never steal your wind.

Because he's yummy.

But all the others.

And the part about how
they're always drinking...

...from our pool of inner power.

But God forbid we should take a sip.

Anybody want a cruller?

This is a typical
lightning-bearer thing.

It's like...

... "Hello. Who wants one of
my phallic-shaped man-cakes?"

Don't worry about it, already!
Things happen.

You're not mad at me
for getting fired and everything?

Look at me.

Look at me!

Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Can we get back to me?

Look, honey. People get fired
left and right in this business.

I already got you an audition
for Another World.

All right!

"Cab Driver Number 2"?

You're welcome.

But I was Dr. Drake Ramoray!

How can I go from being
a neurosurgeon to driving a cab?

Things change. Roll with them.

But this is a two-line part!

It's like taking a step backwards.

I'm not gonna do this.

I'm gonna tell you the same thing
I told Al Minza...

...and his pyramid of dogs.

Take any job you can get,
and don't make on the floor.

I'm sorry.

I'll see you.

God!

Oh, God!
I mean, it's just so....

Isn't it?

This is like reading
about my own life!

This book could have been called
Be Your Own Wind Keeper, Rachel!

It wouldn't have sold
a million copies...

...but it would've made
a nice gift for you.

Sweetie, we've got to go.

No! Why do we always have to do
everything according to your timetable?

Actually, it's the movie theater
that has the timetable.

It's so you don't miss the beginning.

This isn't about the movie theater.
This is about you stealing my wind.

You go, girl!

I can't pull that off, can l?

Excuse me, your wind?

Yes, my wind.

How do you expect me to grow
if you won't let me blow?

You know I don't...

... have a problem with that.

I just really need to be
with myself right now.

I'm sorry.

You're right.
I don't have to apologize.

Sorry. Damn it!

-What is it?
-I don't know.

It's got all this stuff
about wind and trees...

...and some sacred pool.

I don't really get it.
But she's pretty upset about it.

This is why I don't date
women who read.

What's that?

It's my VlSA bill.

Envelope one of two.

-That can't be good.
-Open it, open it.

Oh, my God!

Look at this!
How did I spend so much money?

That's just the minimum amount.
That's your total.

Thirty-five hundred dollars
at "Porcelain Safari"?

My animals.

The guy said they suited me. He spoke
with an accent. I was confused.

I don't know what to do!

You can start by driving a cab
on Another World.

-What?
-That audition?

That's a two-line part!

Joey, you owe $1100
at "I Love Lucite."

-So what?
-So suck it up, man.

It's a job. It's money.

I don't need you getting judgmental
and condescending and pedantic.

Toilet paper?

I'm not being any of those things.
I'm being realistic.

You're supposed to be my friend!

I am your friend.

Then tell me things like,
"You'll be fine."

And "Something big's gonna
come along. I know it!"

But I don't know it.

What I do know is you owe $2300
at "lsn't It Chromantic?"

I'm aware of what I owe.

Then get some sense.
It took you 10 years to get that job.

-How long till you get another?
-I don't want to hear this!

I'm just saying....

Well, don't "just say"!

Maybe I should just go.

I'll see you later.

Just think about it.

I don't need to think about it!

I was Dr. Drake Ramoray!

That was huge!

Big things are gonna happen!
You'll see!

Ross!

You still there?

What are you still doing here?

Just some basic dehydrating
of fruits and vegetables.

Man alive, this thing's fantastic!

Aren't you forgetting anything?

Oh, yeah. I got us a new goldfish.

He's feistier than the last one.

Maybe because the last one
was made by Pepperidge Farm.

Eddie, isn't there something
you're supposed to be doing now?

Not unless it's got something
to do with dehydrating.

Because right now,
I'm a dehydrating maniac!

I thought we had a deal.
I thought by the time I got

You know what that is?

Your last roommate's kidney?

That's a tomato.

This one definitely goes
in the display.

Hey, Gunther.
Let me get a lemonade to go.

Lemonade?

You okay, man?

It's career stuff.

They killed off
my character on the show.

That's too bad.
How'd they do it?

I fell down an elevator shaft.

That sucks.

I was buried in an avalanche.

What?

I used to be Brice
on All My Children.

Why must everybody watch me sleep?

There'll be no more
watching me sleep! No more...

...watching!

I got some great stuff to dehydrate.
Grapes, apricots.

I thought it'd be cool to see
what happens with these water balloons.

Get out.
Get out, get out, get out!

-What?
-You! Move out!

Take your fruit!
Your stupid small fruit and get out!

You want me to move out?

I gotta tell you, that's kind of
out of the blue, don't you think?

This is not out of the blue!

This is smack-dab
in the middle of the blue!

Relax! Take it easy, buddy!

You don't have to tell me twice.

Someone will be by for my stuff.

If you think I'm leaving you
alone with my fish, you're insane!

You want some help?

No help required, chico!

All the way to the airport, huh?
You know, that's over 30 miles.

That's gonna cost you about so bucks.

Excuse me, that's fifty bucks.

Five-O dollars.

You know what it is?
It's smudgy because they're fax pages.

When I was on Days of our Lives
as Dr. Drake Ramoray...

...they'd send over
the whole script on real paper.

That's great.

If you wanted to expand this scene,
like have the cab crash...

... I could attend to the victims...

... because I have a background
in medical acting.

Okay, listen, thanks for coming in.

Don't thank me for coming in.
At least let me finish.

We could take the expressway...

... but this time of day
you're better off taking the budge.

You were going for bridge there,
weren't you?

I'll have a good day.

Honey, I know you didn't mean to.

Rach, hang up. You are suppose to be taking goddness quiz.

You should lose 100 point just because of
you call your boyfriend in the middle of it.

Question number 28.

"Have you ever allowed
a lightning-bearer to take your wind?"

I would have to say no.

And I would have to say....

What?

Do you not remember the puppet guy?

You totally let him wash his feet
in the pool of your inner power.

And his puppet too!

Well, at least
I didn't let some guy...

...into the forest of my righteous
truth on the first date!

-Who?
-Paul!

Moving on, moving on.
Next question.

Okay, number 29.

"Have you ever betrayed
another goddess...

...for a lightning-bearer?"
Okay, number 30.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Let's go back to 29.

Not to my recollection.

Danny Arshack, ninth grade.

You know the bottle
was pointing at me.

Only because you took up
half the circle!

Listen to you two.
It's so sad.

Looks like I'll be going to
the goddess meetings alone.

Not when they find out
you slept with Jason Hurley...

...an hour after
he broke up with Monica.

One hour?

You are such a leaf blower!

-That is not on the book.
-No, but that's what you are.

Be careful with that 3-D Last Supper.
Judas is a little loose.

Oh, my God! What's going on?

They're taking all my stuff back.
I guess you were right.

No, I wasn't right.
That's what I came here to tell you.

I was totally hung up
on my own stuff the other day.

No, listen. I need the whole
security thing, you know?

To know where my next paycheck is
coming from. But you don't need that.

And that's amazing to me.

I could never do what you do.

-Thanks.
-You hold out for something bigger.

I can't tell you
how much respect I have...

...for you not going
to that stupid audition.

-I went.
-Great! How did it go?

-I didn't get it.
-Good for you!

You're living the dream!

All right, then!

Not my parrot.

I can't watch this.

Hey, hold on, hold on.

How much for the....
How much to save the bird?

-Twelve hundred.
-Dollars?

You spent $1200 on a plastic bird?

It was an impulse buy.
Near the register.

Go ahead with the bird.

Do you have anything for around $200?

The dog.

I'll take it.

My gift to you, man.

Thanks, Ross!

I really liked that bird, though.

But the dog!

Here are your cakes.

We didn't order cake.

No, I know. They're from me.

You guys, this is not good.

We have enough trouble
with guys stealing our wind...

...without taking it from each other.

You're right.

I love you goddesses.

I don't ever want
to suck your wind again.

-Thank you. So are we good?
-We're good.

We're good?

Let me take these back.
They'll take it out of my paycheck.

Ding-dong, the psycho's gone!

Are you sure this time?

I actually saw him leave.

That guy is holding a human head.

He's holding a human head!

Check it out, man!

I tore it off a mannequin
in the alley behind Macy's.

There's no alley behind Macy's.

So I got it in the junior miss
department. Big diff.

It'll make a hell of a conversation
piece at our next cocktail party.

"Our next cocktail party"?

We'll put chips in it.
We'll make it a chip chick.

Do you remember yesterday?

Yes, I think I vaguely recall it.

Do you remember
talking to me yesterday?

So what happened?

We took a road trip to Las Vegas!

Oh, sweet Moses!

So on this road trip,
did you win any money?

I crapped out. But Mr. 21 here!
He cleans up!

$300! He buys me these new shoes.

Nice.

See you upstairs. See you, pals!

Is anyone else starting
to really like him?

May I help you?

Why doesn't my key work,
and what's my stuff doing downstairs?

I'm sorry.

Have we met?

It's Eddie, you freak!
Your roommate.

I'm sorry...

... I already have a roommate.

He's lived here for years.
I don't know what you're talking about.

No, he moved out and I moved in.

Well, I think we'd remember
something like that.

I know I would.

That's a good point.

Okay, wow.

I guess I got the wrong apartment.

-I'm terribly sorry.
-Hey, no problem.

See you.

Goodbye, you fruit-drying psychopath.

-You want me to help you unpack?
-Nah, I'm okay.

Just so you know, I'm not
moving back in because I have to.

I mean, I do have to, but....

It's just that that place,
it wasn't really....

I mean, this is....

Welcome home, man.

-A little foos?
-Absolutely!

What happened to the foosball?

It's a cantaloupe.

Are we gonna bring this out
every time Ross comes over?

He paid a lot of money for it.

I'm gonna hold him a different way.

If you hated it so much,
why'd you buy it in the first place?

Well, I had a whole ceramic
zoo thing going over there.

But without the other ones,
it looks tacky.

Is he housetrained or will he leave
little bathroom tiles all over?

Stay.

Stay!

Good fake dog.