Friends (1994–2004): Season 2, Episode 15 - The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know - full transcript

All right, no peeking.

No peeking.

No peeking. No peeking!

All right, but you better be
wearing clothes when I open my eyes.

All right. Open your eyes!

Sweet mother of all
that is good and pure!

Days of our Lives
picked up my option!

-Congratulations!
-I know!

Now we can watch Green Acres
the way it was meant to be seen.

So which one is mine?

Whichever one you want, man.
Whichever one you want!



Not that one.

Oh, yes!

Oh, yeah! That's the stuff.

Do we dare?

We dare.

The One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know

I can't believe two cows
made the ultimate sacrifice...

...so you could watch TV
with your feet up.

No, they were chair-shaped cows.

They never would have survived
in the wild.

This screen is amazing.
Dick Van Dyke is practically life-size.

Rose Marie belongs on
a smaller screen, doesn't she?

Hi, you guys.

Hey, you.



How was your day?

You know, pretty much the usual.

Sun shining, birds chirping.

Really? Mine too.

Hey, cool! Mine too!

I gotta get to the museum.

So I'll see you tonight?

Bye, guys!

Tonight?

-What's tonight?
-Our first official date.

Our first date.

Hello?

Hi.

You're supposed to waitress for me?
My catering thing?

-Any of that trigger anything?
-Oh, God, Monica. I forgot!

This is our first date.

-Yes, but my mom got me this job.
-I can be a waitress!

Thank you, thank you.
See? Phoebe! Phoebe!

Really, Pheebs?
You'd have to be an actual waitress.

This can't be like your
"I can be a bear cub" thing.

I can be a waitress.
Okay, watch this.

Give me two number ones,
86 the bacon...

...one Adam and Eve on a raft
and wreck them!

It's James Bond!

-Sorry we're late.
-That's okay. Come on in.

Is Monica Geller coming?
I was told she was.

Dr. Burke, it's me.

Monica?

My God! You used to be so....

I mean, you've
You must have lost like....

You look great.

Thank you.

This is Phoebe.
She'll be helping me.

Nice to meet you.

-So how you been?
-Great. How have you been?

Obviously you know
Barbara and I split up...

...or you wouldn't do the head tilt.

The head tilt?

Since the divorce,
everybody asks how I am...

...with a sympathetic head tilt.
"How you doing? You okay?"

I'm sorry.

It's fine.
Believe me, I do it too.

I always answer with the
"I'm okay" head bob. "I'm okay."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

I gotta set up the music.
I got a new CD changer.

Of course, the divorce only left
me with four CDs to change.

That's too bad.

I'll survive.

Two larges, extra cheese on both.

But listen...

...don't ring the buzzer for 19.

Ring 20. Geller/Greene.

They'll let you in, okay?

If you buzz our door,
there's no tip for you.

Okay, thanks.

Pizza's on the way.
I told you we wouldn't have to get up.

What if we have to pee?

I'll cancel the sodas.

Get back out there.
It's your party!

But they're so dull!
They're all ophthalmologists.

You're an ophthalmologist.

Because my parents wanted me to be.
I wanted to be a sheriff.

That's funny.
Cadillac, cataract. I get it.

But you stay out there!

-You see?
-I tell you what.

I'll come get you in five minutes
with some sort of kebob emergency.

Better.

Oh, God, here we go.

Hey, want to see them go nuts?

Watch this.

Who needs glasses?

You are so smitten.

I am not!

Oh, you are so much
the smitten kitten.

-You should ask him out.
-Dr. Burke?

I don't think so.
I mean, like, he's a grownup.

So? You two are
totally into each other.

He's a friend of my parents.
He's like 20 years older than me.

So you're never gonna see him again?

Not never.

I'm gonna see him tomorrow
at my eye appointment.

-Didn't you just get your eyes checked?
-Yeah, but you know...

... 27 is...

...a dangerous eye age.

They are peeking teams to play my discreption, help me.

I'm not saying it was a bad movie.
I'm just saying it was a little...

... hard to follow.

I told you there'd be subtitles.

I know.

I just didn't want to wear
my glasses on our first date.

Monica?

It would help when I'm kissing
if you didn't shout my sister's name.

Honey, I'm just checking.

-Monica?
-Mon?

What?

I'm sorry.

It's just, when you moved
your hands down to my butt...

...it was, like, "Whoa!
Ross' hands are on my butt!"

And that's funny. Why?

Well, it's not.

I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just nervous.

I mean, it's you.

You know, it's us.

We're crossing that line.
It's sort of a big thing.

Well, I know it's big.
I just didn't know it was ha-ha big.

Okay, my hands were
nowhere near your butt.

I know, I know, I know!

I was thinking about when
they were there the last time.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, look! I promise.

I won't laugh anymore.
Put your hands back there.

No, see, now I can't.

-I feel self-conscious.
-Come on, touch my butt.

Just one cheek

The moment's gone.

-I'll back up into your hands.
-That's romantic.

- Touch it.
-No.

-Oh, come on, squeeze it.
-No!

Rub it?

Oh, come on!
Would you just grab my ass?

Wow! Look at that!
The car is on fire...

...yet somehow
its expensive paint job...

...is protected by the Miracle Wax.

You've got a Cheeto
on your face, man.

Aren't you supposed
to be out with Rachel?

That was 14 hours ago.

We gonna set a clock on this scene.

So how'd it go?

Have you ever been, you know,
fooling around with a girl...

...and she started laughing?

But it was 1982...

...and my Flock of Seagulls haircut
was tickling her chin.

She laughed at you?

It could be worse, could be naked.

I've been wanting this
since ninth grade typing.

And I just want it to be perfect...

...and right and....

Why isn't that laser beam
cutting through the paint?

-It's the Miracle Wax!
-lt certainly is a miracle.

Hi, you guys.

Listen, I was thinking about....

Can you guys speak up?

It's harder for us to hear you
when you lower your voice.

I'm sorry about last night.
I really want to make it up to you.

There's no need to make it up

How?

Well, I was thinking
maybe a romantic dinner...

...with candles and wine.

And then maybe going
back to my place...

...for dessert.

That sounds...

... perfect?

What's this?

Would you get us a couple of beers?

I'm going to look into your eyes now.

Really?

That's my job.

All right.

Look up.

Look down.

Now, open your eyes and look down.

That's right.

Look into the light.

Now look at me.

Your eyes look good.
Those are good eyes.

Good. They feel good.

In my head.

-lt was great to see you.
-You too.

You too.

Goodbye.

Drops!

Here, they're free.

Thanks.

I better be going.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Thanks again.

We have to get you lazy boys
out of these chairs.

You should go outside and be with
the three-dimensional people.

No. Inside good.

Outside bad.

You guys are so pathetic.

Oh, Xanadu!

She's one of us now.

We just wanted to stop by
and say good night.

Good night.

They won't even turn their heads.

All right, you guys.
I'm taking off my shirt.

She's lying.

Stop sending food to our apartment!

Why are you dressed up?

You're not the only one
with a date.

-What? You have a date? Who with?
-No one.

Come on, what's his name?

Nothing.

Come on, tell me.

All right, but I'm very excited
about this, okay?

So promise you won't get
big-brothery and judgmental.

I promise. What?

-It's Richard Burke.
-Who's Richard Burke?

Dr. Burke?

You have a date with Dr. Burke?
Why? Why? Why...

...should that bother me?

I love that man.
He's like a...

...a brother to Dad.

-Here we go.
-I know, I think it's great that he looks like 50.

It's insperation to a man almost retired all over the world.

He is the brightest, most sophisticated,
sexiest man I've ever been with.

Dr. Burke is sexy?

Oh, God! Absolutely!

Damn!

It's the museum again.
Can l?

-Dr. Burke kissed me once.
-When?

When I was 7, I crashed my bike
right out in front of his house...

...and to stop me from crying,
he kissed me right here.

-Oh, you are so lucky!
-I know.

Australopithecus isn't supposed
to be in that display.

No, Homo habilis was erect.
Australopithecus was never fully erect.

Well, maybe he was nervous.

Oh, look!
I can't believe this!

Homo habilis can't use tools yet,
and they've got him with clay pots?

Why don't they just
give him a microwave?

Clearly, they don't have a place to plug in.

I'm sorry this is taking so long.

It's longer than I expected.
We will have dinner.

That's okay.

Karl!

Oh, God.

-Wow! Is that Michelle?
-Yep.

I've not seen her since
high-school graduation.

Oh, my God, that night
she got so dru

Emotional.

You know, she's having another baby.

-I thought she just had one.
-No, no. Henry's almost 2.

And he's talking
and everything. Here.

The other day he told me he liked me
better than his other grandpa.

In all fairness, his other
grandpa's a drunk, but still....

You're a grandpa.

Are we nuts here?

I don't know. Maybe.

I mean, I'm dating a man
whose pool I once peed in.

I didn't need to know that.

I guess 21 years is a lot.

I mean, hell, I'm a whole person
who can drink older than you.

So maybe we should just....

Maybe....

Wow.

This really sucks.

Yeah, it sure does.

We don't really have to decide
anything right now, do we?

No, there's no rush or anything.

-Pizza delivery!
-Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys!

I'm done.

Yeah, well, you know what?
So is Sorentino's.

I'm sorry.
Why don't we find someplace else?

It's late. Everything will be closed.
We'll do it another night.

No, no, we won't.

We won't?

Come on.

Okay, that's dead, right?

What are we doing?

-Do you want Cranapple or Cran-Grape?
-Grape.

Okay, now...

...sit.

Oh, my God!

Billions of years ago,
Earth was only

Sorry.

So what are we looking at?

Well, you see that little cluster
of stars next to the big one?

That is Ursa Major.

-Really?
-No idea. It could be.

Listen, I'm sorry
I had to work tonight.

Oh, that's okay.

You were worth the wait.

And I don't just mean tonight.

You're not laughing.

This time it's not so funny.

Oh, God!

Honey?

That's okay.

What?

Oh, no. You just rolled
over the juice box.

Thank God!

Hey, you.

I can't believe I'm waking up
next to you.

I know. It is pretty unbel

We're not alone.

Is that the fire alarm?

It's not warm yet.
We still have time.

-Cool.
-Yeah, yeah. Cool!