Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 9 - The One with the Birth Mother - full transcript

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

We're here to say goodbye.
We're off to Ohio.

Oh, right, your adoption interview.

Yep. We'll meet the lady
who could be carrying our baby.

I can't believe it. When you come back,
you'll have a baby. That is so weird.

And so incorrect.

She's only a couple months pregnant.

She liked our application,
who knows if she'll like us.

Oh, come on, she's gonna
love you guys.

Oh, thank you. But we're trying
not to get our hopes up.



A lot could still get in our way.

She could decide against adoption,
like another couple better.

What are you gonna name it?

I could develop a condition in which
I talk and talk, and no one hears a word.

But just think, okay?
What if everything goes right?

What if this woman does pick you guys?

Oh, my God. She's gonna pick us!

So we're standing firm on
"not getting our hopes up"?

No. I know things could still
go wrong, but if they don't...

if this works out,
we're gonna have a baby. A baby!

- Yes. But...
- Oh, my God. It's gonna work!

We're gonna make it work!

I'm gonna be a mommy
and you're gonna be a daddy!

All right, I'll see you suckers.
I'm gonna go get me a baby!



Oh, screw it. I'm gonna be a daddy!

Hey, who's Phoebe with?

I wanna say, "Someone
I'm gonna have sex with."

- Hey.
- Hey.

- So, uh, who's your friend?
- Oh, that's Sarah.

No. Don't you get any ideas.

I'm not setting you up
with any more of my friends.

- Why? Why?
- Because you'll date her once...

sleep with her, then forget she exists.

Oh! Name one friend of yours
I did that with.

- Mandy.
- Mandy, huh? Uh...

Really hot blond, big boobs?

- No.
- Might be why I don't remember her, huh?

Do you think I'm someone else?

Okay, look, I may not have treated
your friends well in the past.

But I have grown up a lot.
Really. Honest. Rach?

Yeah, believe it or not, it's true.

I mean, when Joey and I were together...

he was wonderful.
He was thoughtful and mature.

And for the one week
that we went out...

he didn't sleep with anybody else.

Growth.

- Fine, I'll give you her number.
- Okay. Thank you.

And I promise you
I will not forget this one.

- Mandy.
- Sarah!

Sarah.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey, guys, I need some fashion advice.

Oh. Huh.

How does this look?

Well, it's... It's a little low.
Pick it up a little.

A little bit more.

There you go.

Now throw it away.

Come on! This looks good.

Ross, please trust me.
I buy 30 fashion magazines a month.

Now, I don't know who's running
for president or who that NATO guy is...

but I do know that you
have to get far away from that hat.

Damn it. God...

I have this date tomorrow night,
and I have to look cool.

If you want fashion help, Rachel and I
are going shopping tomorrow.

- You're welcome to come with us.
- Really? That would be great.

Uh, I mean, I have to do something.

She kind of teased me
about how I dress.

I can see why. Nice shirt. Ha, ha.

You're wearing the same shirt.

Stupid Gap on every corner!

Make yourselves comfortable,
and I'll be back with Erica.

Okay, thank you.

Well, this is it.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, it's just weird, you know?

It's like, uh, "Hi, I'm Chandler. May I
have the human growing inside you?"

Ooh!

You're gonna be great.

Well, obviously.

Monica? Chandler?
I'd like you to meet Erica.

- Hi.
- Hi. It is so, so nice to meet you.

- Hi.
- Thank you for agreeing to see us.

- Hi.
- I'll let you get acquainted.

- Okay.
- So it's Monica and Chandler?

I only know you as
"File CRW33815-D."

That's what our friends call us.

Gosh, you know, you're just
such an amazing couple. It's...

kind of intimidating.

Oh, ha, ha. I don't know about that.

Are you kidding me?
I mean, it's enough that you're a doctor.

But on top of it,
you're married to a reverend?

- I don't think that's exactly...
- Let her finish, doctor.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, my friend Sarah
had a great time last night.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, so you gonna call this one back?

Ha, ha. No.

What are you talking about?
Sarah's great.

Oh, really? You wanna know
what your "great" friend did?

We were out to dinner, okay?

We were getting along,
having a really nice time.

I was thinking she was really cool.

And then, out of nowhere...

That's it?

That's why you won't
go out with her again?

So she took some fries. Big deal.

Hey, look, it's not about a few fries.

It's about what the fries represent.

- What?
- All food!

Well, I'm sorry.

I can't believe I set you up
with such a monster!

Hey, hey, hey, look, I take a girl out...

she can order whatever she wants.
The more the better, all right?

Just don't order a garden salad
and then eat my food!

That's a good way to lose some fingers.

Oh, thank God you're here.

- Listen to this.
- What?

Joey and my friend are out last night,
having dinner, and she reaches over...

and takes a few of his fries...
- Oh, no!

Mm-hm.
- What?

You know about the plate thing?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, Joey doesn't share food.

I mean, just last week
we were having breakfast...

and he had a couple grapes
on his plate.

- You wouldn't let her have a grape?
- Oh, no, not me.

Emma.

Joey doesn't share food!

Well, I still think that is a stupid reason
not to call someone again.

You are calling her, okay?

And if you need to, then just
get an extra plate of fries for the table.

I like that.

A sharing buffer. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll order some extra fries.
Maybe a plate of onion rings.

Yeah. Yeah.

And a shrimp cocktail.

Uh-huh. And some Buffalo wings.

Maybe...
Maybe an individual pizza, huh?

And some mozzarella sticks.

What were we talking about?

Wow, this place is awesome.

We should just go.
I'm not gonna find anything here.

This stuff is ridiculous.

Oh, this place is great!

Wow.

Rach, come on, I'm not gonna wear
any of this. Nothing silver.

- Wha...?
- Okay, nothing with hair.

- And nothing with padlocks on it!
- Aw.

Ross, look. Look, I know that
some of this stuff is out there.

But, I mean, come on, look at this.
Look at this sweater.

I mean, this is just beautiful.

Wow, this is really soft.

Three hundred and fifty dollars?

Down from 700.
You're saving like 200 bucks.

Both logic and math are taking
a serious hit today.

Hey, check this out. It's totally you.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Huh.

Wow. Actually, this looks pretty good.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

"Boys will be boys"?

- What? They will be!
- All right.

- That's it, I'm getting out of here.
- No, Ross, wait, come on.

There's other stuff here. There's some
nice shirts, these nice pants.

Huh. Actually, these might look
pretty good on me.

Yes, they will. You know what you
should do? Go take a walk.

I know your size, and I'm gonna pick out
some really good stuff for you.

- Really?
- Yes.

I know what looks sexy on guys.

Just wear what I suggest,
and she is gonna go nuts for you.

So you're saying, uh...

if I wear these pants,
I might be getting into hers?

Why do men keep talking to me like this?

So the fact that I'm a doctor
and my wife's a reverend...

that's important to you?

Yeah. I read some great applications...

but I thought, "Who better
than a minister to raise a child?"

Amen.

Plus, I thought the baby would be
in good hands with a doctor.

Oh, good hands.

Healing hands.

Reverend, can I ask? Does the Bible
say anything about adoption?

It says, "Do it."

"And behold, she did adopt
unto them a baby.

And it was good."

- Wow.
- Yeah, wow.

I was wondering...
You both have such serious jobs.

Would you have time to take care
of a baby and your flock?

Oh, no, my flock? My flock is good.

Yeah. My flock pretty much
takes care of themselves by this point.

It's a good flock. Flock, flock, flock.

But being a doctor,
that must take up a lot of time.

Not for me it doesn't.

So how's everything going in here?

We're great. I think
I may have asked all my questions.

Good. Do you have questions for Erica?

Yeah, actually.
So you read a file that you liked...

and then you gave the agency
the serial number and they contacted us?

Oh, yes. Our system ensures
total anonymity.

- We're very proud of it.
- You should be.

You're really on top of stuff.

Well, then if there's nothing else,
then the two of us should talk.

I actually...

- I don't think we have to.
- We don't?

Yeah, when I read about you two,
I was pretty sure I wanted you...

but I just thought we should meet
face to face.

I've made my decision.

I choose them. Heh.

Oh, my God, this is great.

This is so great. Did you hear that?

Yeah, I did.

Okay.

- Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh.
- Ha, ha.

Oh. You are so going to heaven!

- Oh, we got some really great stuff.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm not sure about some
of the bras I got.

Oh, really? Do you wanna try
some of them on for me?

Oh, okay.

Wait, are we in Joey's imagination?

Oh, no. I took one of Ross' bags
by mistake.

And one of mine is missing.

Ross probably has it.
You'll get it from him later.

So, what do you think?

I think we're not wearing
the same shirt anymore.

Yeah. Yeah, Rachel picked it out for me.

She told me to trust her,
and you know what? I'm glad I did.

I turned quite a few heads
on my way over here.

Dude, I really don't think
you should be wearing that.

Oh, I see.

Somebody's afraid of a little competition
with the ladies?

Looks like someone is the ladies!

You're just jealous
because you couldn't pull this off.

Yeah. Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a date.

See? All eyes on me!

- We are not signing those papers.
- Why not?

It's wrong. They made a mistake.
They think we're somebody else.

God works in mysterious ways.

You have gotta stop.

But she liked us.

She likes Doctor Chandler
and Reverend Monica.

If you think about it,
I'm kind of like a reverend.

I mean, as a chef, I serve God
by feeding the hungry and poor.

Your veal chop is 34.95.

Come on, I just...
I think we've been given an opportunity.

The mistake's already made.
They're writing up the papers now.

But we're not the ones she chose.

How can you feel okay about this?

Because.

We may not be who she thinks we are...

but no one will ever
love that baby more than us.

- I know.
- I mean, who knows...

how long it's gonna take
for someone else to give us a baby?

What if no one ever picks us?

Oh, honey...

Please?

Please. We are so close.

Monica, I want a baby too.

But this woman is giving away her child.

She deserves to know who it's going to.

Okay. You're right.

So we'll tell the truth.

And who knows, you know?
Maybe she'll like us for us.

Maybe she will.

Oh, why couldn't I
have been a reverend?

You're Jewish.

Technicality!

Garden salad for the lady.

- Oh, that looks great. Good ordering.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Seafood platter for the gentleman,
and extra fries.

- Enjoy.
- Ha, ha.

Mm. Those fries look delicious.

- Oh, I didn't know you liked french fries.
- Ha, ha.

Help yourself. What's mine is yours.

Oh. Wow, are those stuffed clams?

Uh...

Yes, they are my stuffed clams.

How about those fries, though, huh?

- They are delicious. Ha-ha-ha.
- Yeah.

You are beautiful, you know that?

That is so sweet.

Okay, then.

Mm.

Mm-hm.

Now look what you did!

What? What is the matter with you?

I don't like it when people
take food off of my plate, okay?

But you said, "What's mine is yours."

Well, I didn't mean it!

Fine. Sorry, I didn't think
it was that big a deal.

No, I'm sorry. I...

I'm overreacting, okay?
It's just, when it comes to food, I...

have certain rules...

okay? I mean...

there are things you do, and,
you know, things that you don't do.

Wow, this place looks great.

Oh, you are gonna love it.
And I'm so glad we're finally doing this.

- Me too.
- Here.

So this was fun.

I really am sorry about,
you know, before.

And I wanna make sure you know
I really do like you.

Sure, just not as much as clams.

Well, stuffed clams, ha, ha...

- Chocolate torte for the lady.
- Mm.

Cheesecake for the gentleman.

Uh, excuse me, sir. There seems to be
some sort of red crap on my cheesecake.

Oh. Yes, that's a raspberry coulis.

I'm so stupid ordering cheesecake,
trying to be healthy.

Oh, my God. Mm.

- I'll just have what she's having.
- I'm sorry, sir.

- That was our last piece.
- Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Oh, no.

This is work. I should call in.
Can you excuse me?

Oh, yeah, sure. No problem.

What are you doing?
I thought you don't share food?

Sure I do.

- Coulis?
- Ha, ha.

No. If I can't have your clams,
you can't have my dessert.

This is a two-way street.

Really?

Really.

Now this all better be here
when I come back.

Yeah, of course. I can control myself.
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Stop staring at me!

Just a tiny little... Ha, ha.

Uh-oh.

I'm not even sorry.

- Hi.
- Hey.

So these are the preliminary forms
for an open adoption. Uh...

There's a lot to go over,
but I'll explain as we go through.

- Is that a picture?
- Yeah.

It's a sonogram they took
of the baby last week.

I thought you might wanna see it.

Look, doctor.

Look, before we sign anything,
we really have to talk.

We're not who you think we are.

- I don't understand.
- The agency must have made a mistake.

My wife is not a reverend,
and I'm not a doctor.

- What?
- That's impossible.

I could perform an operation on you
and prove it if you'd like.

Um, I have to check your file. Excuse me.

So who are you?

Our names really are Monica and
Chandler. We're from New York.

Yeah, but the important thing
to know about us...

is how much we would care
for this little baby.

So you lied to me before?

Well, we "bore false witness."

See? I could be a reverend.

I can't believe this.

But we were hoping that
since we told you the truth...

that you still might consider...
- Giving you my baby?

You think I'd give you my child
after this?

You don't have to decide now.
If you look at our file...

I don't wanna look at your file.
This is over.

Erica, wait.

I have nothing to say to you.

Look, you have every reason to be upset.
We did lie.

But only because we've been waiting
and trying to have a baby for so long.

And we don't know how long it's gonna be
before we get another chance.

Why don't you ask the reverend
to pray on it?

Erica, please.

Just consider us.
Ask them to see our file.

Our last name's Bing.

My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising.

Oh, yeah.

I actually liked you guys.

But it doesn't matter.
What you did was wrong.

But you did like us.

And you should.

My wife's an incredible woman.

She is loving, and devoted and caring.

And don't tell her I said this,
but the woman's always right.

I love my wife more than anything
in this world.

And it...

It kills me that I can't give her a baby.

I really want a kid.

And when that day finally comes,
I'll learn how to be a good dad.

But my wife...

she's already there.

She's a mother...

without a baby.

Please?

You still want that baby?

God bless you, Chandler Bing!

Turns out this sweater
is made for a woman.

So why are you still wearing it?

Because it's soft.

- Hey, so how was your date?
- Ugh.

Not so good.

Well, looks like it's just
the two of us tonight, huh, buddy?

Yeah. And you know what?
We could do a lot worse.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

Joey doesn't share food!