Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 5 - The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits - full transcript

You know, I'm thinking about letting
Emma have her first cookie.

Her first cookie?
She has cookies all the time.

I've never given her a cookie.

- Have you?
- No.

No. And for the record, I've also
never given her frosting from a can.

Hey, Rach, the adoption agency
needs letters of recommendation...

and we wondered
if you would write one for us?

- Of course. I would be honored.
- Thank you.

I think there's been an oversight.

We would have asked you.
We thought you wouldn't be interested.

It's just that we don't think of you
as really being so much with the words.



Clearly, we were wrong.

I got a lot of nice stuff
to say about you guys, okay?

I know how much you want
to have a baby...

and I would love to help you get one.

You know what?
Then we want you to do it.

Thank you. All right.
Let me see how I'm gonna start.

"Dear Baby Adoption Decider People...."

So excited about your letter.

- Hey.
- Hey, Phoebe.

- Wow, don't you look nice.
- Yes, I do.

Today's Mike and my
one-year anniversary.

What's it the anniversary of?

Your first date, your first kiss,
first time you had sex?

Yeah.



So you must be going
somewhere fancy to celebrate.

A Knicks game.

Aren't you a little overdressed?

I've never had a one-year
anniversary before...

so no matter where we go,
I'm wearing something fancy...

I'm gonna put on
my finest jewelry...

and we're gonna have sex
in a public restroom.

You guys do that?

Chandler won't even have sex
in our bathroom.

That's where people
make number two.

So, you know, I have
a little time if you want to....

I'd love to, but I really have
to grade these papers.

Fine. It's fine.

I'll just shower by myself.

B. B. B. B. B.

You gave a B
to a Pottery Barn catalog.

Well, it had some good ideas.
Take off your shirt.

- Damn it.
- Rachel, open up! It's your sister!

I have to talk to you.

Hi, Amy.

- You're not Rachel.
- Still sharp as a tack.

Charlie, this is Rachel's sister Amy.
Amy, this is Charlie.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Hi, hi.

And you are?

Ross? I grew up on your block?

We had Thanksgiving together
last year?

I had a baby with your sister?

No. I....

Did I buy a falafel
from you yesterday?

Yes. Yes, you did.

Hi, Rachel.
Here's your sister Amy.

She thinks I need pec implants.

Amy? Hi.

- You remember Joey.
- Yeah. Hey, sure.

- The Days of our Lives guy.
- That's right, yeah.

You are not good.

Always nice to meet a fan.

- So, now, what are you doing here?
- Well, I have huge news.

- Hold on. Let me check on the baby.
- This is important. Can't Ella wait?

Her name is Emma.

Why did you change it?
Ella was so much prettier.

What do I know? I just sell
Middle Eastern food from a cart.

Hey, your English is getting better.

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

She may be the hottest girl
I've ever hated.

- What you working on?
- Monica and Chandler's recommendation.

I want it to sound smart, but I don't
know any big words or anything.

- Why don't you use your thesaurus?
- What did I just say?

Watch.

Here, highlight the word you want
to change, go under "tools"...

and the thesaurus generates...
Gives.

Gives a whole list of choices.

You can pick the word
that sounds smartest.

My God, that's great. I'm smart.

No, no, I'm:

"Brainy, bright, clever."
I love this thing!

Look out, ladies! Joey Tribbiani's
got the whole package!

God...

so beautiful.

I know, isn't she?

No, I was talking about your bedding.

All right, what's your news, Amy?

Well...

I'm getting married.

Wow! Oh, my God!

- To who?
- This guy.

He has a killer apartment.

- And...?
- And it's on Fifth.

And the elevator opens up
right into the living room.

- No, what's he like?
- Oh, he's okay.

Do you remember
my old boyfriend Mark?

- Yeah.
- It's his dad.

- Wow, so he's gotta be...
- Old? Yeah.

But he travels a lot,
so he's hardly ever there.

Sweetie, I gotta tell you,
it sounds a little bit like...

you like the apartment
more than you like...

Myron.

Yeah, I told you he was old.

Sit down. Sit down.

Honey, you know...

l once also almost married
somebody that I didn't love.

- Do you remember Barry?
- Remember him?

God, we used to make out all the time
after you went to sleep.

Sometimes just nodding is okay.

But anyway, listen.

Not marrying Barry was the best
decision that I ever, ever made.

Honey, Amy, you deserve true love.
Your soul mate is out there somewhere.

Someone that is your age,
that is smart, that is fun...

and that you care about.

You're right.

- You're right. I'm gonna do it.
- Okay.

I'm gonna marry Myron
and keep looking for Mr. Right.

Okay, let's keep talking.

Excuse me. Anniversary.

Excuse me. Anniversary.

Sir, could you move your nachos?
They're in my seat.

It's my anniversary.

Here we are.

- I can't believe it's been a whole year.
- I know.

This has been the best year....

- This has been the best year of my life!
- Me too!

I never thought I could
love someone this much!

I feel the same way!

You're so generous and kind,
and you're amazing in bed!

It's our anniversary.

Knicks fans, please turn your attention
to the big screen on the scoreboard.

Someone has a special question to ask.

How lame.
It's so tacky and impersonal.

- Really?
- It's the worst way to propose.

Excuse me.

I finished my recommendation. Here.

And I think you'll be very, very happy.

It's the longest I ever spent
on a computer without looking at porn.

I don't understand.

Some of the words a little
too sophisticated for you?

It doesn't make any sense.

Well, of course it does.
It's smart. I used a thesaurus.

On every word?

Yep.

All right, what was
this sentence originally?

"They are warm, nice people
with big hearts."

And that became, "They are humid,
prepossessing Homo sapiens...

with full-sized aortic pumps."

Yeah. Yeah. And hey,
I really mean it, dude.

All right, Joey,
I don't think we can use this.

- Why not?
- Well, because you signed it:

"Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani."

Why don't you stop worrying about
sounding smart and just be yourself.

You don't need a thesaurus.
Just write from here.

Your full-sized aortic pump.

- Amy. Hi.
- I took your advice.

- I left Myron.
- Good for you!

I know. I'm Erin Brockovich.

Yes, you are.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.

So can I stay with you?

But Erin Brockovich had her own house.

Look who's back.

Why do you have bags?
Why does she have bags?

I'm staying with you guys.

- What?
- We're gonna be roomies!

Come on.

- You slept out here?
- Yeah.

Amy kept kicking me in her sleep,
yelling, "Myron, get off!"

But we're getting rid of her, right?
Please tell me we're getting rid of her?

- Joey, I can't do that.
- Oh, come on.

Last night I was finishing off
a pizza, and she said:

"A moment on the lips,
forever on the hips."

I don't need that kind of talk
in my house!

Joey, look, I know that she's difficult...

but I think it's really good
that she's here.

Because we'll appreciate it
more when she's gone?

No, it's just... Look, when I first moved
to this city, I was a lot like her.

I was spoiled, self-centered.
And you guys really took care of me.

Yeah. Monica made us.

Well, whatever.
I really appreciate it...

because I don't think I would be
the person I am today...

if it wasn't for you guys.

So I want to help Amy
the way you guys helped me.

And I know it's gonna
take patience, but that's okay.

- Good morning.
- Yeah.

That's what I'm wearing today.
That's why I hung it on the door.

Oh, sweetie, you can't pull this off.

You know what? I was thinking that
maybe now would be a good time...

for us to sit down and,
you know, talk about your future.

Oh, I can't, honey. I'm gonna go
get my eyebrows shaped.

I am not happy.

Sure you want to eat that?

I'm curvy and I like it!

- Hi.
- Hi.

I just had the worst anniversary ever.

I doubt that.
Tell her about us last year.

Well, I bought Chandler a $500 watch,
and he wrote me a rap song.

- Seriously?
- Word.

Mine was worse than that.

- Well, what happened?
- We were at the game.

This guy proposed to his girlfriend
on the big screen thing.

- That is so tacky.
- Well, that's what I said.

But it turns out Mike was planning to
propose to me that same way last night.

Oh, my God.
Mike was gonna propose?

- That's huge.
- Do you want to marry him?

Yeah, I really do. Yes.

But after I dumped on the way
he was gonna do it...

l don't think he'll ever ask again.
I said no in Barbados, and now this?

She's right. If I were a guy and....

Did I just say, "lf I were a guy"?

You don't need him to propose to you.
Maybe you could propose to him.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Isn't that a little desperate?

I proposed to Chandler.

All right, moving on.

I don't think it was desperate.
It was amazing.

Thank you.

- Well, do you think I should propose?
- I think it could be kind of great.

Absolutely. You'll love the feeling.
There's nothing like it.

Okay. Okay.
So how should I do it?

How about at a game
on the big screen?

How about at a Foot Locker?

What? What, he obviously thinks
that's a nice way to be proposed to.

- Plus, he'd never suspect it.
- Yeah, that does make sense.

- Okay, now, would you two like that?
- Sounds good to me.

But what would a guy think?

- Nana's on the phone.
- Wow.

That's interesting,
since she died seven years ago.

She did?

Who got her condo in Boca?

Hello?

It's our nanny.

Hi.

Oh, God, I hope you feel better.
Okay. Bye.

That's Molly. She's sick.

- Can you watch Emma today?
- I can't. I have back-to-back classes.

Did Molly say what she had?
Because my throat's been hurting.

Menstrual cramps.

I don't think that's what this is.

- Can any of you watch Emma?
- No, I'm sorry, sweetie.

No, I've got work,
and then I'm proposing.

Great. Shoot.
What am I gonna do?

Well, I could do it.

- Well, actually....
- Can I talk to you for a second?

I do not want her babysitting our child.

- Why not?
- For one thing, she keeps calling her Ella.

- Ella's a nice name.
- Fine, we'll call the next one Ella.

- The next one?
- Okay.

I don't want her watching our baby.

Ross, I am trying to help her
become a better person.

This is a huge breakthrough for her.

She just offered to do something
for another human being.

You know, I don't know.

Ross, I'm telling you...

she's giving up getting her eyebrows
shaped to do this, all right?

Do you understand how important
that is in our world?

Listen, I couldn't help but overhear,
because I was trying to.

Listen, let me do this.
I really want to help you guys out.

And plus, Rachel's been
so wonderful to me.

- Absolutely.
- Oh, great!

So how much does it pay?

How's the second draft
of the letter coming?

Great. I'm finished. In fact,
I just dropped it off at the agency.

- You dropped it off?
- Yeah.

Can we read it?
Can you print out another copy?

No can do, amigo.

No, I didn't use the computer.
It felt more personal to handwrite it.

- You handwrote it?
- Yeah, and don't worry.

I didn't try to sound smart at all.

See you later.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That letter is gonna go in our file.

We're never gonna get a kid.

We're gonna be
one of those old couples...

that collects orchids
or has a lot of birds.

It's okay. You know what?

I will just call the agency
and tell them to throw out the letter.

Okay, good.

Hello, this is Chandler Bing.

Someone just dropped off a handwritten
recommendation letter and....

Okay.

Thank you. Goodbye.

We're screwed, aren't we?

You know what? Just tell me
on the way to the bird store.

- They loved it.
- What?

They thought it was very smart of us
to have a child write the letter.

They thought Joey was a child?

She guessed 8, 9,
based on his drawings.

- Hi.
- Hey, what'd you guys do today?

Ella wanted to go out, so we went
shopping and got some sushi.

- That sounds like fun.
- Yeah, not really.

Babies are dull.

- Hey. Hi, how's my girl?
- I'm fine.

And I got you a present
for letting me stay with you.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

You pierced her ears?

Doesn't it make her nose look smaller?

You pierced her ears?

How could you do this
without telling me?

If I had told you, then it wouldn't
have been a surprise, now would it?

I think she looks cute.

But I am wrong.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Here comes Ross. He's gonna flip out.

Why, did something happen
to his falafel cart?

- Hey, guys.
- Ross!

Hi, Emma. Why is she wearing
her hat so low?

- She can barely see.
- I don't really want her to see.

Why not?

Because there are so many
terrible sights in this world.

Like war. Or that thing
in Joey's refrigerator. Remember?

It was in a milk carton,
but it looked like meat?

Come here. Come here.

There she is. Hi.

- What?
- Nothing.

Hi.

What...?

- Please tell me those are clip-ons!
- Oh, they're real.

Did she do this to her?

I told you we shouldn't have
left Emma with her!

I know, I know.
And you were right, Ross.

Okay? You are so irresponsible!
I am never letting you babysit again!

You know what?
This kid needs me, okay?

- She needs to have a cool, fun aunt.
- I'm a cool, fun aunt.

Okay.

Hey! Monica can be cool and fun
at organized indoor projects.

All I wanted to do was help you try
to figure out what to do with your life.

This is how you repay me?

I don't need you to help me. I already
know what I'm gonna do with my life.

- Oh, yeah? Since when?
- Since today.

I am going to be a baby stylist.

- What?
- That's not a thing!

Well, it should be.

I'm gonna help babies learn
how to accessorize...

what colors to wear,
what clothes are slimming.

- Babies don't care if they're slim!
- Enter Amy.

- Amy, l... I just... I just wanna...
- What? What are you gonna do?

No more falafel for you!

Great game, huh?

- Why do you keep looking at the screen?
- I'm not. I'm praying.

Please let the Knicks win.

Thank you, Thor.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to the bathroom.

- Well, I think you should wait.
- Why?

Well, if you don't hold it in,
you don't get all the nutrients.

Knicks fans, please turn your attention
to the big screen on the scoreboard.

Someone has a special question to ask.

Mike Hannigan, will you marry me?

Get a load of this.
She's proposing to him!

Guess we know who wears
the pants in that family.

Well, that's not very enlightened.

Boo us? Boo you!

Odin will smite you!

Hello? Yeah, this is Joey Tribbiani.

Oh, hi.

Well, I'm glad you liked my letter.

No, my mommy and daddy
aren't home right now.

Okay, bye-bye.

She was nice.

Joey, get Amy's bags.
She is moving out.

- You're kicking me out?
- You put holes in my baby's ears.

At least now people
will know she's a girl!

I can't believe I ever
even tried to help you.

- You are so beyond help!
- You know what?

Ever since I got here,
you have been nothing but negative.

- Excuse me?
- You didn't want me...

to marry the old guy
with the great apartment.

Then I tried to help your daughter
de-emphasize her flaws...

and suddenly I'm the bad guy?

- Joey, where are those bags?
- She has a lot of crap!

You know? When I moved in here,
I thought, "This will be so great.

Just us sisters back together again
like when we were kids."

Except without that stupid Jill.

Who has gotten fat, by the way.

Seriously?

Mom said she gained, like, 15 pounds.

- Hips or thighs?
- Ass and face.

Oh, my God!
I thought she was on Atkins.

She was. Carbs found her.

See? This is what I wanted.

Two sisters talking about real stuff.

Oh, I can give you that.

- You can?
- Yeah.

I kept trying to make you
a better person, but you're....

You're already a pretty perfect
version of what you are.

Thank you.

You gotta admit,
Emma does look cute.

- Did you just say, "Emma"?
- Oh, I'm sorry. Ella.

Sis, you wanna go bring Jill some pasta?

Come on, Amy. Now, that's just wrong.

Her true weakness was garlic bread.

That woman didn't know what
she was talking about, Mike.

Obviously, you have balls.

- Please, let's forget the whole thing.
- I would love it.

- Consider it forgotten.
- Thank you.

But just so you know....

However and whenever you decide
to propose, I promise I'll say yes.

Whether, you know,
it's at a basketball game...

or in skywriting...

or, you know, like some
lame guy in a cheesy movie...

who hides it in the cake.

It's in the cake, isn't it?

Where else would lame
Mr. No Balls hide it?

What's the matter with me?
Why do I keep ruining this?

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- No, it's my fault.

I keep trying to propose
in these stupid ways...

and I just wanna tell you I love you,
and I wanna spend my life with you....

- I'm gonna do this now.
- Oh, my God.

- Phoebe, l...
- Wait. Oh, wait.

Oh, no.

Okay.

Ready? Okay.

Phoebe, I love you.

There's no one else in the world
I would ask to marry me three times.

But I want to take care of you...

have babies with you...

and grow old with you.

Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?

Yes.

- I love you.
- I love you more.

Not possible.

She's gonna be Mrs. No Balls!

So how's the baby-styling
business going?

Not that great.

It's almost as if people don't want
to hear that their babies are ugly.

That's shocking.

There's Ross. Hey, Ross.

Hello, Ross?

He's rude.