Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 14 - The One with Princess Consuela - full transcript

Thank you guys for having us over.

- Yeah, this is fun, couples night.
- I don't know why we don't hang out...

- with married couples more often.
- Because every time we do...

you make jokes about swinging
and scare them away.

You mean that Portuguese couple?
Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it.

Hey, you guys, I have great news.

- Ross, we're kind of in the middle of dinner.
- Oh, well, I already ate, but sure.

- Guess what happened at work today.
- A dinosaur died a million years ago?

Uh, try 65 million years ago.
And then try: Shh!

My tenure review board met today,
and I hear it's looking really good.

- Wow.
- Yeah.



Do you have any idea what this
means in academic circles?

I am gonna get laid.

- Hi, you guys.
- Hey.

Oh, Italian.

No one...
No one wanted seconds, right?

No, I'm good.

Guys, you're never gonna believe it.
This headhunter called me.

I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci.
Gucci wants me.

- I'm up for tenure.
- Congratulations.

- You too. What are the odds?
- Oh...

Guess what.

I finally got that seed out of my teeth.

I don't know who I'm happiest for.

I do. He's been working on that all day.



Hey, Mon, was it weird
changing your name to Geller Bing?

No. No, it felt nice to acknowledge this.

- Where'd you go to do it?
- Um, the...

The Ministry of Names...

Bureau.

You never did it.

I'm sorry. It's just the idea of...

Of being an official Bing.

Hey, I will have you know that...

Ah, who am I kidding? Let's call the kid
Geller and let Bing die with me.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Honey, would you want me
to take your name?

Oh, it's up to you. It's your name.
You've gotta live with it.

- Let's see. Call me Mrs. Hannigan.
- Mrs. Hannigan?

What, can't you see I'm
in the middle of something?

I like it.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Joe.

We got things to check out
at the new house. You want to come?

- No, thank you.
- You're not happy about us moving...

but you're the only one
who hasn't seen the house.

You'll see how close it is to the city.

No, it's not close.
You said it was in escrow.

I couldn't even find that on the map.

Joey, please come.
It would mean so much to us.

You know what? You are my friends.
I want to be supportive.

- I will come with you. Shotgun.
- Damn it.

See you guys later.
We'll pick you up at 11.

- So glad you're coming.
- All right.

- Good for you. That was really mature.
- What? The only reason I'm going...

to their stupid new house is to
point out everything wrong with it...

so they don't move.
I'm gonna make them stay here.

You're a strange kind of grown-up.

Joey, you can't make someone do
something they don't want to do.

Believe me. There's something I've been
trying to get Mike to do in bed, and...

- Whoa. Can we not talk about that now?
- All right. Prude.

Look, Monica and Chandler
really love this house.

You are not gonna talk them
into staying here.

Hey, I can convince people
to do anything, you know?

I bet I could even get Mike
to do that thing. What is it'?

I am not gonna help you do that!

Oh, my God.

Hi. Um, I'm here to see Mr. Campbell,
with Gucci.

The reservation's probably under Gucci.

It's spelled like "gucky,"
which can be confusing.

Mr. Campbell's not here yet.
Let me show you to his table.

Oh, my God. That's my boss.
You have to seat us somewhere else.

I'm sorry, that's always
Mr. Campbell's table.

But my boss cannot see me.
I'm interviewing for another job.

- I know. With Gucky.
- Shh!

- Rachel?
- I'm on a date.

That's great.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough.
Single mom. Career.

You gotta get out there.

- Well, you've got a good energy.
- Oh.

- Rachel?
- Yes, hi.

- James Campbell.
- Hi.

- Excuse us.
- Please.

Okay.

Oh.

He's cute.

So...

your resume is quite impressive.

My, ha, ha... My résumé?

I wouldn't... I wouldn't call
my online dating profile a résumé.

Dating profile? No, I'm...
I'm talking about the work résumé.

Whatever happened to just singing
for no reason?

Maybe people found it weird.

- Maybe.
- So...

- Why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren?
- What?

- I don't.
- You don't?

No, I love... I love it there.

Well, if you don't want to leave,
why are we having this lunch?

That is my boss.

What?

That is my boss.

That's Hugo Boss?

God, this place is so depressing.
If I had to work here, I'd kill myself.

But you obviously haven't.

- How can I help you?
- I need to change my name, please.

See, I need to change it
because I'm hiding from the law.

You're fun.

- You need to fill out this form.
- Okay. Well, just so I know...

I don't know how it works.
My name is Buffay...

and my husband's name is Hannigan.

So is it supposed to be
"Buffay-Hannigan" or "Hannigan-Buffay"?

- It can be anything you want.
- Well, not anything.

Yeah. Anything.

Oh, this could take a while.

- Get out of my line.
- Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey, Pheebs.

Oh, not anymore. I changed it today.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hannigan.
- Wrong again.

Apparently,
you can change it to anything.

So I thought, "All right, here's an
opportunity to be creative."

So meet Princess Consuela
Bananahammock.

That's what we were
gonna name the baby.

- Phoebe.
- Ah, Princess Consuela.

- You changed your name to that?
- Uh-huh.

Okay, so from now on, we have to call
you Princess Consuela?

No, I'm gonna have my friends
call me Valerie.

- Hey, how did the interview go?
- Ugh. Not good.

I always feel that way after an interview
I'll bet it went better than you think.

Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci
and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.

That is a bad interview.

What are you talking about?
How did this happen?

My boss was at the same restaurant
where I was having my interview...

and he heard everything.

Later, he calls me into his office
and tells me he'll have to let me go...

because I'm not a team player.

And I said, "Wait a minute. Yes, I am."

And then I had to sit there
for 45 minutes...

while he proved that
that, in fact, was true.

- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- God.

Hey.

What...? What's this?

Why, it's a bottle of champagne.
Why is this here?

- Ross.
- I guess it's here...

because I got tenure!

- Congratulations.
- Wow.

This is the single greatest day
of my professional career.

- Gunther. Six glasses.
- Six?

- You want me to join you?
- I thought Joey was here. Five is good.

Wow, I'm gonna have a loogey
in my coffee tomorrow.

Ooh. Israeli champagne.

And it's vanilla.

I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery.

Hey, Rach, so, uh,
how did your thing go?

Oh, good. But I won't hear about that
for a couple days.

Oh, you know what,
you're gonna get it. I can feel it.

Can you?

All right, everybody, here's to Ross.

And to years of hard work
finally paying off.

And to knowing that your career
doesn't mean everything.

But also knowing it means a lot.

But more importantly, to full,
well-rounded lives.

That center around work.

- To Ross.
- To Ross.

You know what the best part
about this is? I can never be fired.

- Oh, God.
- No, seriously.

I have job security for life.

You know?
I mean, I never have to worry.

Oh, look at you.
Look how happy you are for me.

No, it's not that. I got fired today.

And I didn't get the other job.

- Oh, my... Rach, I'm so sorry.
- Oh...

- Great, I feel like an idiot.
- No, it's okay. You didn't know.

Little heads-up would've been nice.

Thank you for letting us
see the house again.

And thank you for explaining
to us what "escrow" means.

I've already forgotten what you said,
but thank you.

Take as long as you want.
Just let me know when you're through.

Okay, thanks.

- Aw, so glad you decided to come.
- Me, too. Yeah, this place is great.

So happy for you guys. Although,
you know, I hope you like fungus.

- What?
- Fungus.

Yeah. Place is full of it.

No, it's not. We had an inspection
and they didn't find anything.

Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes
and a scratchy throat for no reason.

Maybe it's because you hung your head
out the window like a dog...

the whole ride here.

Maybe.

So this is the living room, huh?
It's pretty dark.

- No, it's not.
- Are you kidding?

I think I just saw a bat in the corner.

When your head was hanging out the
window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?

Maybe.

Look, I just think you guys can
do better than this house, you know?

Or any other house for that matter.

Oh, Joey.

We know you're having a hard
time with this, but we...

- We love it here.
- Fine! If you love this house so much...

you should live here. I hope you
get used to that humming sound.

- Joey, we know that's you.
- No...

it's not.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Welcome back.
- I missed you.

- Oh, me too.
- So, what's new?

Well, I am no longer Phoebe Buffay.

- That's great. You changed your name?
- Yes, I did.

Meet Princess Consuela
Bananahammock.

- You're kidding, right?
- Nope.

- You really did that?
- Yep.

You can't do that.

Why?

Why? It's fun. It's different.
No one else has a name like it.

Then I'm gonna change my name.

Great. Okay, what are
you gonna change it to?

Crap Bag.

- Mike Crap Bag?
- No. No "Mike. " No, just "Crap Bag."

First name: Crap.
Last name: Bag.

- You're not serious, right?
- Yeah, I'm serious.

It's fun, it's different,
and no one else has a name like that.

Uh-huh. Well, then great.
If you love it, I love it.

I do love it. And I love your name.
I love Princess Consuela.

And I love Crap.

Oh.

- Who are you?
- Oh, hi. I'm Joey.

My stupid friends are buying this house.
Who are you?

I'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents
are selling this house.

I hate my parents.

I hate my friends.

Look, there's gotta be a way
that we can stop this from happening.

Like what?

Oh! Okay, you come with me and you
tell them that the house is haunted.

What are you, 8?

- Okay. Let's hear your great idea.
- I don't have any great ideas. I am 8.

Ah, there's gotta be a way.
I mean, you know...

if Monica and Chandler move out here,
and Phoebe's married to Mike...

that just leaves me and Ross and Rach.
You know what I mean?

I really don't.

What am I gonna do?
I feel like I'm losing my friends.

- My parents say I'll make new friends.
- Yeah, sure, easy for you.

You're young. Me? I'm set in my ways.

This is what my mom was talking about.
Whiners are wieners.

Look, you want your friends
to be happy, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Well, if moving here is gonna make them
happy, don't you want them to do it'?

Yeah. Maybe.

Then you've gotta let them go.

Oh, I hate to admit it, but you're...

You're probably right.

How'd you get to be so smart?

I read a lot.

Just when I thought we could be friends.

Oh, hey, Rach. I just heard. I'm so sorry.

Oh, thank you...

You still don't know my name, do you?

Well, now I don't have to.

Ross, what is taking you so long?

I'm sorry. It's almost as if this wasn't
built for a quick getaway.

Rachel?

Mark? Oh, my God.

- How have you been?
- Fantastic. You remember Ross.

- Sure. Sure.
- Oh.

What's with the chair?

Uh... You know, you can't always
get a seat on the subway, so...

Clever.

So how are you?

Oh. You're not catching me
on my best day.

Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff
doesn't say "big promotion."

No, but it's good. You know,
I'm gonna take some time off...

- and do charity work.
- Are you sure?

We may have something
at Louis Vuitton.

Screw charity work. What do you got?

Why don't we have dinner and talk?

- Great. I'll call you.
- Okay.

- Nice to see you again.
- Yeah. Yeah. I got tenure.

Oh, my God.

See? I told you something good
would come along.

And he seemed really nice.
I've met him before?

Ross, that's Mark.

From Bloomingdale's?
You were insanely jealous of him.

- That is Mark?
- Yes.

- I hate that guy.
- Oh...

No, no, no.
You cannot go to dinner with him.

- What? You don't want me to get a job?
- Yeah, I'm sure he'll give you a job.

Maybe make you his "sex-cretary."

I'm serious.
I just don't trust that guy, okay?

You know what...? Okay, let's talk
about it later. There comes security.

Oh, I love this street.

The trees and the big front yards
and the actual picket fences.

Man, those two dogs are going at it.

Hey.

- Hey. Where you been?
- Oh, just, uh, you know, looking around.

But you know what?

This house is great.

Really? What changed your mind?

The little girl who lives here made me
feel better about the whole thing.

Joey? There was a little girl who lived
here, but she died, like, 30 years ago.

What?

I'm just messing with you.

That's not funny.
You know I'm afraid of little-girl ghosts.

Joey, now that you're okay with the house,
do you want to go see your room?

What?

I get my own room?

You don't think we'd buy a house
and not have a Joey room, do you?

Oh, my God.

Hey, can I have an aquarium?
And a sex swing?

- No. -Why not?
I'll keep the tank clean.

After you, Ms. Bananahammock.

Thank you, Mr. Bag.

Oh, hey!

- Oh, hi, Rita.
- How are you?

Good. Oh, Rita's a massage client.

Yeah.

Why don't you introduce me?

- Rita, this is my husband.
- Oh.

Why don't you tell her my name?

Okay, I will. This is, uh...
This is my husband, Crap Bag.

Crap Bag?

If you need an easy way to remember it,
just think of a bag of crap.

- Okay. Excuse me.
- Yeah.

Ugh. Okay, fine, you made your point. Can
you please just be Mike Hannigan again?

Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.

How about, um...?
How about Buffay-Hannigan?

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm Phoebe
Buffay-Hannigan-Bananahammock.

Do you even know what
a banana hammock is?

It's a funny word.

It's a Speedo.

Oh, crap.

- Hey, is Rachel here?
- Nope.

She's still at dinner?

- I guess. Why, who's she with?
- That guy, Mark...

from Bloomingdale's.
She thinks he's just being nice to her.

But I know he really wants
to sleep with her.

It's seven years ago.

My time machine works.

We ran into him on the street today,
and he said he might have a job for her.

But I know he just wants
to get into her pants.

So, what if he wants to sleep with her?
I mean, she's single, and he's cute.

Excuse me?

Oh, please.

Yesterday, on the subway,
you couldn't stop staring...

at that woman with the big breasts.

For your information,
I was staring at her baby.

We're about to be parents.

Oh, sorry.

- Hi, you guys.
- Hi. So...

- how was dinner?
- Oh, it was great. Mark is so sweet.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I wonder why? What
could that smarmy letch possibly want?

Oh, Ross. Come on. He is happily married.
His wife just had twins.

Should we send something?

How did the job stuff go?

He offered me one.

- That's great.
- Congratulations.

I know, it's amazing.

It's amazing. It's so much better
than what I had at Ralph Lauren.

- The money is great.
- Can we...?

Can we just stop for a second? Who said
something better would come along? Huh?

You didn't believe me. I told you
everything was gonna work out.

You know what?
This calls for a bottle of Israel's finest.

The job is in Paris.

I mean, this soap opera is a great gig...

but am I missing opportunities?

You know, I've always thought of myself
as a serious actor.

Should I be trying to do more
independent movies?

I don't know.

But you know what?
I'm gonna put you on with my bear.

Hold on.

Hey, Bailey, I need some career advice.