Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 13 - The One Where Joey Speaks French - full transcript

Hi!

- Hey!
- Hey! Welcome back!

- How was the honeymoon?
- Oh, incredible!

Oh, champagne, candle-lit dinners,
moonlight walks on the beach.

- It was so romantic.
- Oh.

- So where's Mike?
- Oh, he's at the doctor.

He didn't poop while we were there.

- I'm glad you're back. I need your help.
- Oh, why, what's up?

I have an audition for this play,
and I have to speak French...

which, according to my résumé,
I'm fluent in.

- Joey, you shouldn't lie on your résumé.
- Yeah, you really shouldn't.



By the way, how was
that yearlong dig in Cairo?

It was okay.

I did not know you spoke French.

Oh, oh, you're so sexy.

- Well, so will you help me?
- Sure.

Ha, ha, seriously, stop it.
I'm gonna jump on you.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Why are you wearing my apron?

I'm making cookies for Erica.

We have to leave soon.
Her plane comes in in about an hour.

When she gets here, is it okay
if I introduce you two as my wife...

and the woman who's
carrying my child, ha, ha?

No?

Divorce?



- Hey.
- Hey.

- Uh, you know where Rachel is?
- Haven't seen her since morning.

It's unbelievable. She was supposed
to meet me a half-hour ago with Emma.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- These are for Erica!
- She's gonna eat all those cookies?

Well, I want the baby to come out
all cute and fat!

- So, uh, why is Erica coming to visit?
- We wanna get to know her better.

And, uh, she's never been to New York,
so she wants to see the tourist spots:

Statue of Liberty,
Empire State Building.

Oh, there's always so many people,
and they're being corralled like cattle.

And, you know, there's always
some idiot who goes, "Moo."

Well, if it annoys you so much,
then why do you do it?

Oh, hi! Hi!

- Thanks for showing up 30 minutes late.
- Ross.

No, I'm sure you have a great excuse.
What was it, a hair appointment?

Uh, a mani-pedi?
Was there a sale at Barneys?

My father had a heart attack.

While I was at Barneys.

- Oh, my God, Rach.
- Honey?

- I'm so sorry.
- Uh, is he okay?

Yeah, he's gonna be fine,
but he's heavily sedated.

Okay, I'm gonna go
to Long Island with you.

- I mean, you can't be alone right now.
- No, come on, I'm totally okay.

I don't need you to come.

- I can totally handle this on my own.
- Still, still, let me come for me.

Okay. If you really need to.

I bet someone could use one
of Monica's freshly baked cookies.

- Oh, I really could.
- Oh.

All right, it seems pretty simple.

Your first line is,
"My name is Claude."

- Okay.
- So just repeat after me.

- Well, let's try it again.
- Okay.

Huh. It's not...

quite what I'm saying.

Really?
Sounds exactly the same to me.

- It does, really?
- Yeah.

- Let's just try it again.
- Okay.

- Really listen.
- Got it.

Okay.

Hey, you guys!

- Hi.
- Hey!

I want you to meet
someone really special.

- Phoebe, this is Erica.
- Hi.

- And this is the baby!
- Oh, hi.

- Joey, EHca, baby.
- Hi.

Everyone, Erica! Baby!

- Monica. Calm. Self.
- Ha, ha.

- Hey, sit down.
- Thank you.

It's really nice to meet you guys.
I can't believe I'm here.

Well, welcome to New York City,
or should I say:

New York City.

Why would you say that?

Okay. What are you
gonna be doing today?

Well, I wanna see everything! Times
Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center.

You should walk to the top
of the Statue of Liberty.

- Oh, yeah, let's do that.
- Great.

This baby better be really good.

Hi, um, uh, excuse me, I'm here to see
my father. My name is Rachel Green.

- And I'm Dr. Ross Geller.
- Ross, please, this is a hospital.

That actually means something here.

- So can we please go in?
- Absolutely.

Rach, I think I'm gonna
wait out here...

because, uh, my throat is feeling a
little scratchy. I don't wanna infect him.

- Ross, please. Don't be so scared of him.
- I am not scared of him. I'm really sick.

- He's under sedation, so he's out.
- I'm feeling better.

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, wow.

That ear and nose hair trimmer I got him
was just money down the drain, huh?

Ms. Green? Your father's doctor's on
the phone if you'd like to speak to him.

Oh, great.
Um, are you gonna be okay?

- He's unconscious. We'll be just fine.
- Okay.

- Uh, did the TV wake you?
- No.

When you put your feet up on my bed,
you tugged on my catheter.

What are you doing here, Geller?

Well, I came with Rachel,
who should be back any second.

- So, what's new?
- Oh, I had a little heart attack.

Right. Is it painful?

What, the heart attack
or sitting here talking to you?

Let's see if we can get
that Rachel back in here.

So, what's new with you? Knocked up
any more of my daughters lately?

Nope. Just the one. Rachel!

No!

Okay, maybe if we just break it down.

Okay, let's try it one syllable at a time.
Okay, so repeat after me.

Great! Okay, faster.

- Okay, it's too hard. I can't teach you.
- What are you doing?

I have to go before I put your head
through a wall.

No, no. Don't go, I need you!
My audition is tomorrow!

- Hey.
- Hi.

I was gonna make us some dinner...

but all I found in your dad's fridge
was bacon and heavy cream.

I think we solved the mystery
of the heart attack.

- Did you call your parents?
- Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great.

Oh, good.

What?

I just can't believe
I'm in Rachel Green's room.

- You've been in my room before.
- Hah, yeah, sure, right. Ha, ha.

Like I'd ever be
in Rachel Green's room.

Okay, I gotta tell you, it's really weird
when you use my whole name.

- Oh, ha, ha.
- Sorry.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, you had a rough day, huh?
- Yeah.

It's just so weird seeing him like that,
you know? I mean, he's a doctor.

You don't expect doctors to get sick.

But we do.

Well, he's gonna be okay, Rach.

I don't want him to wake up alone.
I should go to the hospital.

- What? No, no. Hey, hey, look.
- What?

They gave him a lot of medication.

He wouldn't even know
if you were there.

We'll go see him first thing
in the morning.

- Really? I shouldn't feel guilty?
- No... God, hey.

Rach, you've been an
amazing daughter, okay?

- Right now you need to get some rest.
- Okay, maybe you're right.

Good night.

Wait, wait, wait.

Would you stay here with me
for a little while?

- Sure.
- Okay.

- Thank you for coming with me today.
- Oh, of course.

Rachel Green is very happy
you're in her room.

- Me too. Come here.
- No.

I just don't wanna be alone tonight.

Okay, well, um, I can maybe grab
a sleeping bag or...

No, Rach!

I'm sorry, I just don't
think this is a good idea.

Well, we won't know that
until we do it, will we?

No, um, uh, look, um.

You are upset about your father,
and you're feeling vulnerable...

and I just don't feel
it would be right.

I feel like I'd be, you know,
taking advantage of you.

What...? Taking advantage?
I am giving you the advantage. Enjoy!

Look, I'm sure it would be great...

but I think one of us
has to be thinking clearly.

So I'm gonna go.

Okay.

- I'll see you in the morning.
- Mm-hm.

I haven't had sex in four months.
I should get a medal for that!

Thanks so much for taking me
to all those places. I had a great time.

Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I wanna apologize
about Chandler, though.

- I just did not see this coming.
- New York is awesome!

- What is with you?
- I've been to these places before...

but I've never really seen them.

Yeah, you miss a lot
when you're mooing.

- Thanks so much for showing me around.
- Oh, it was our pleasure.

We're so much enjoying
getting to know you.

Well, if there's anything else
you wanna know...

Okay, um.

Can we ask you some
questions about the father?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Well, he was my high-school boyfriend,
captain of the football team, really cute.

- Got a scholarship and went to college.
- That's great.

Yeah, it's almost definitely him.

How's that, now?

Well, there's a chance
it's another guy.

I mean, I've only ever been
with two guys...

but they sort of overlapped.

So, what does the other guy do?

- Does he go to college too?
- No, he's in prison.

Well, um,
was he falsely accused of something?

No.

He killed his father with a shovel.

Other than that, he's a great guy.

I'll bet his dad doesn't think so.

- Are you awake?
- Of course I'm awake.

Assume from now on
that I'm always awake.

All right, we don't know that it's him.
I mean, it could be the football guy.

Honey, it's us.
Of course it's the shovel killer.

Well, all right, let's say that it is him.

Would we not want the baby? No.

- Would we treat him any differently?
- I'd keep an eye on him.

We have to find out
which the father is.

- How?
- I don't know.

- They have tests for these things, right?
- Yeah, but maybe we're overreacting.

Easy for you to say.
He's a father killer.

He probably loves his mommy.

He's probably got a tattoo that says
"Mom" on his shovel-wielding arm.

We'll now count from one to five.

- Good job.
- Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Listen, I feel really badly about
yesterday, and I thought about it a lot.

No, I was too impatient.
So let's try it again.

That's okay. I don't need your help.

I worked on it myself,
and I gotta say, I am pretty good.

- Really, can I hear some of it?
- Sure, sure.

Okay. Ahem.

See?

Right, but you're not...

You're not... You're...

Again, you're not speaking French!

Oh, well, I think I am! Yeah, and I think
I'm definitely gonna get the part!

How could you possibly think that?

The guy on the tape said
I was doing a good job!

Hey, Rach, can you grab me
a cup of coffee?

Sure.

You've been quiet all morning.
Is everything okay?

- You sure you're all right?
- Yep.

Okay. Um.

Well, I'm gonna go, uh,
grab us some breakfast.

- FYI.
- There it is.

In the future, when a girl asks for some
ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it.

Wait, wait, you're, uh, mad at me
about last night?

- I was just trying to do the right thing.
- Really?

If you had done the right thing...

I wouldn't have woken up
feeling stupid and embarrassed.

I would've woken up feeling
comforted and satisfied.

- Well...
- Oh, stop that!

I can't believe this!
I was just being a good guy.

I treated you with
respect and understanding.

Oh, that is so hot.

Hey, I was looking out for you.

Oh, really? Well, you know what?
I am a big girl.

I don't need someone telling me
what is best for me.

I gotta say, I've not had sex a lot
of times before. This is the worst ever!

Oh, oh, really? Really?
Well, it wasn't very good for me either.

Oh, okay, you know...?
Hey, hey, you know what?

To avoid this little thing
in the future...

let's just say, you and me?
Never having sex again.

- What?
- That's right! Sex is off the table!

I am never having sex with you again!

Dr. Green, are you feeling better?

- Hey! How was lunch?
- We had a good time.

By the way, I wanted
to ask you something.

It would really mean a lot to me
if the baby was a boy...

that you name him after my father...

Jiminy Billy Bob.

- Oh, really?
- No! Ha, ha.

- You were right. That was fun.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I'm gonna go finish packing.

- Okay.
- Ha, ha.

- So is she gonna take the test?
- No, she doesn't have to.

- I found out who the father is.
- Oh, God.

- It's Shovely Joe, isn't it'?
- No, it's not.

How do you know?

Erica didn't pay attention
in sex ed. class...

because the things she did
with that prison guy?

It'd be pretty hard to make
a baby that way.

Oh, God, what was it? The thing we
hardly ever do, or the thing we never do?

The thing we never do.

Shovely Joe.

- Whenever you're ready, Joey.
- Right. Ahem.

- I'm sorry, what's going on?
- Dude, come on, French it up.

Joey, do you speak French?

You know what?
I think this audition is over.

Uh, excuse me?

Uh, I am Régine Phalange.

Uh, I was passing by when
I heard this man speaking...

the regional dialect of my
French town of Estée Lauder.

You really think this man
is speaking French?

Good job, little buddy.

That was some really good French.

But I think we're gonna go
with someone else for the part.

- Oh, all right, but my French was good?
- It was great.

Oh, ha, ha, see?

- Emma's down for the night.
- Oh, good.

- So, uh, I guess I'm gonna take off.
- Okay.

Hey, listen, uh, just before you go...

I just wanna say thank you
for coming with me.

Oh, no problem.

And also, you know, I, uh...

I was thinking about what you said, uh,
you know, about the whole sex thing...

Probably not a great idea
to go down that road again.

Thank you. I'm glad you agree.

It's a shame, though.
When we did it, it was pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Hey, um, do you remember
that one really great time?

- Oh, yeah!
- You know?

- It was Valentine's Day.
- It was your birthday.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess that's all
in the past now.

- Not even one more time.
- Not even once.

- No matter how much we want it.
- Even if we want it...

- really bad.
- That's what we decided.

Yeah, ha, ha, that's right.

- It's kind of hard, though. You know?
- Yeah.

When two people have a connection,
you know, that's...

Just seems like...

such a...

waste.

I hate waste.

- Ross?
- Yes?

Just so you know...

with us...

it's never off the table.

Damn it, it's never off the table.

- Okay, can you really tap-dance?
- No.

It's off the résumé.

- Archery?
- No.

- Horseback riding?
- Would fall off a lot.

You can drink a gallon of milk
in 10 seconds?

That I can do.

Come on, you can drink
a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?

All right, watch me.

- Okay, you time me, ready?
- Ready, go!

You did it!