Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 12 - The One with Phoebe's Wedding - full transcript

- Oh, hey, Joey.
- Mmm.

- Hey.
- Listen, I need to ask you something.

You know how my stepdad's in prison?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

He was supposed to get a weekend
furlough so he could go to the wedding.

But he just called and...

Well, apparently stabbing Iceman in the
exercise yard couldn't wait till Monday.

- So he can't come?
- No.

And so there's no one to walk me
down the aisle. And...

Well, I would just really love it
if you would do it.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.



You've, you know,
sort of been like a dad to me.

You've always, you know, looked out
for me and shared your wisdom.

I am pretty "wisdomous."

So, what do you say?

Are you kidding?
Phoebe, I would be honored.

Oh, thank you.

I hope...

I hope you know how much
you mean to me.

Listen, I hope...

I hope that you know...

I don't want you to see your father cry.
Go to your room!

- Oh.
- Oh, no, no, no. Let your dad get this.

Oh. It's my wedding planner.
She's driving me crazy!

Hello? Okay, stop screaming!



Okay, so halibut.

All right, so salmon.
Either way. I don't...

- It doesn't matter to me.
- Well, it matters to me!

Well, I don't care. So you pick.

Did you just hang up on me?

All right, look, I need you at the
rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours.

Okay. What time is that?

You don't know military time?

I must have been in missile training
the day they taught that.

Just subtract 12.

Okay, so 1800 minus 12...

is 1788.

- Six o'clock!
- Okay.

Hold on. Yeah? Geller here.

No, I said it has to be there
by 4:00. Goodbye.

How hard is it to make an ice sculpture?

That sounds really fancy.

I told you, I just want a simple wedding.

Please, honey, leave the details to me.

Now, I wanna make this day
as special for you as I can.

I was thinking the harpist
should wear white.

Harpist? My friend Marjorie
is playing the steel drums.

- Oh, she backed out.
- She did? Why?

I made her.

Steel drums don't really say
"elegant wedding."

- Nor does Marjorie's overwhelming scent.
- Hey!

She will shower when Tibet is free.

- Hey. You look great.
- You too.

I'm glad we're having a rehearsal dinner.
I rarely practice my meals before I eat.

What did we say
was your one gift to us?

No stupid jokes, but I thought
that was for the actual wedding.

Rehearse it.

Hi.

- Thanks for coming, you guys.
- Oh, yeah...

I was...
I was going for a handshake.

That why your hand's
against my crotch?

- That is why.
- Yeah.

So, Rach, where's Emma?

Monica made me send her
to my mom's.

Apparently, babies and weddings
don't mix.

Are you still crying about
your damn baby?

Pheebs, you got to keep the line moving.
Remember, 20 seconds per person.

You see these clowns all the time.

- Hey, you're Mike's parents, right?
- Yes, we are.

Gosh, our little ones
are growing up fast, aren't they?

- How's that?
- You know...

on one hand, you're happy for them.
On the other, it's hard to let go.

Who in God's name are you?

I'm not that fond of you either, buddy.
I'm just trying to be nice for the kids.

You know what? We have no idea what
we're doing in the wedding tomorrow.

I thought we'd be groomsmen.
They would have asked us by now.

When did they ask you
to be a bridesmaid?

- November.
- I wanna say it's not looking good.

- Hey, Pheebs?
- Huh?

You haven't told these guys
what they're doing in the wedding yet.

Um, well, they're not in the wedding.

What?

Well...

this is really awkward.

Oh, and I can leave.

I'm sorry, you guys. But Mike's got
his brother and his friends from school.

So, you know, you were...

If it helps, you were next in line.
You just missed the cut.

Oh, man.

This is like figure skating team
all over again.

I mean, synchronized swimming.

I mean...
I mean, the balance beam.

- Help me.
- Football.

Thank you.

Oh, Pheebs, spit that out.
That has pork in it.

Oh! Oh!

I thought the pot stickers
were supposed to be vegetarian?

Yeah, I changed them.
I sent you a fax about it.

I don't have a fax machine.

Huh. Well, then there are gonna be
a few surprises.

I can't believe we're gonna be
the only people not in the wedding.

- I know. I hate being left out of things.
- And it's a wedding.

It'll be weird if I'm not in it.

- Hey, guys, how's it going?
- Fine.

We're sitting here, alone, doing nothing.
It's our rehearsal for tomorrow.

Look, about tomorrow,
I've got a question for you.

I found out one of my groomsmen
had an emergency and can't make it.

- What happened?
- Who cares? And?

And I was wondering
if one of you guys...

- I'll do it!
- Me!

You both wanna do it?
There's only room for one.

Pick me. I look great in a tux,
and I won't steal focus.

No, Mike. No, no, you wanna pick me.
I mean... Watch.

Huh?

You know, I really don't feel
very comfortable making this decision.

You know, Phoebe knows you better.
I'm gonna let her choose.

Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say
hello to Mike's next groomsman.

Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror...

as he is me.

- Please. You're going down.
- You are going "downer."

They say that on
the figure skating team?

I wouldn't know. I didn't make it.

You know I'm filling in
for Phoebe's stepdad tomorrow, right?

- Yeah. Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that.
- Oh, hey, my pleasure.

So, what are your intentions
with my Phoebe?

- I intend to marry her.
- Oh, a wiseacre.

I understand you plan to support
your wife by playing the piano?

Isn't that kind of unstable?

- No more so than acting.
- Strike two.

You're right.
She probably will support me.

Hey, unless we move in with you, Dad.

Strike three.

You only get one more, Mike.

So? What did you decide?

I decided to pee.

You have to choose one of us
to be in your wedding.

- One of the groomsmen fell out.
- Oh, no, no.

I can't choose between you two.
I love you both so much.

Just not enough to put us
in the original wedding party.

But I don't wanna choose.
It's...

- Okay, wait. Rach?
- Yeah?

Listen, I have a very special
bridesmaid task for you to do.

Goody! What is it?

Well, there's a spot open
for only one groomsman...

and you have to choose between Ross
and Chandler. So good luck with that.

What? What, what, what?
No, I don't wanna do that.

I guess I have to find a new bridesmaid.

I'll do it!

Okay, it's 2100 hours.

- Time for your toast.
- Do I have time to go to the bathroom?

You had a bathroom break at 2030.
Pee on your own time, Mike.

In regards to the toasts, okay,
you wanna keep them short.

Nothing kills a rehearsal dinner
like long speeches. Okay.

You just get in, do your thing,
and get out.

Is that what you say to Chandler?

It's 2101, and I am not amused.

Okay.

The bride and groom
have a few words they'd like to say.

Okay. Hello, everyone.

And thank you all for being here tonight.
So tomorrow's the big event.

Some of you might not know, but Mike
and I didn't get off to the best start.

Yeah. My friend Joey and I...

decided to fix each other up
with friends. So I...

Oh, okay. I...

I thought about it, and I fixed him up
with my friend Mary Ellen...

who couldn't be here tonight,
because... It's not...

It's not important.
Well, she's in rehab.

Anyway. So Joey said that he was
fixing me up with his friend Mike...

only he didn't have a friend Mike,
so he just brought my Mike. And... And...

But despite, you know...
It got good.

I wanna take a moment to mention
my mother, who couldn't be here.

Oh, God.

And... And moment's over.

So okay... Oh, no, forget that.

I can forget that. Oh, this is funny.

Oh, but you need to know that
to get that.

So... Oh, well, okay.

I... Okay.

Okay, Monica, I can't do it like this!

This is my wedding, okay?
I don't want this...

Or this... Or this...

Okay? I just wanted a simple wedding...

where my fiancé can go
to the bathroom any time he wants!

- You know what? You're done.
- What?

You're fired!

Cheers.

- Hey.
- Happy wedding day.

Happy my wedding day to you.

Joey, listen, this is gonna be
bridesmaid central, all right?

We're gonna have hair and makeup
in the bathroom.

I had to move a couple things in the
fridge to make room for the corsages.

Man! I wouldn't have had breakfast
if I knew there was gonna be corsages.

Hi.

About last night...

I know you're under
a lot of stress, and...

Well, even though the things you said
hurt me a little bit...

My point is...

Well, I'm willing to take my job back.

Oh, well, that's okay.

I think you and I will do much better
if you're just here as a bridesmaid.

Oh, is that so?

Okay.

If that's really what you want,
then here.

I give you the headset. I don't really
wanna give you the headset.

I guess if you're taking over, then you
should probably return these messages.

- This is a lot.
- Uh-huh.

But I'm sure you can handle this.
I have won awards...

for my organizational skills.
But I'm sure you'll do fine.

- You've won awards?
- I printed them out on my computer.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Where's Rach?
- She's in her room. Why?

I have to talk to her
about this groomsman situation.

I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there
while I'm in the seats like some chump.

My God, you're breathtaking.

What do you want?

You haven't by any chance
chosen a groomsman yet, have you?

Ross, please don't make this
harder than it already is.

I'm not. I'm making it easier. Pick me.

- Chandler said it's important to him too.
- Listen. Listen.

Whoever you pick is gonna
walk down the aisle with you.

Now, I promise I won't say a word.
But if you pick Chandler...

he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes
in your ear the whole time.

Oh, you are the lesser of two evils.

Yes!

Sven, I don't understand what you're
saying. What is wrong with the flowers?

"Lorkins"? What the hell are "lorkins"?

I know.

- Hey.
- Mike, if you were Swedish...

and you were saying the word
"lorkins," what flower would that be?

- Orchids?
- Right there!

That's why I'm marrying you.

Hello, Michael.

Joseph.

May I have a word with you, please?

This is...

great.

Have a seat.

Last night...

I tried to welcome you into my family.

And instead, you disrespect me.

I cannot allow this.

Are you rehearsing
for some really bad Mafia movie?

More back talk.

And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines
from my recent unsuccessful audition...

for Family Honor 2:
This A-Time It's A-Personal.

Joey, I kind of have a lot to do today.
What do you want?

I want you to take this seriously!

Phoebe is very,
very important to me, okay?

I wanna make sure
you are gonna take care of her.

Joe, I love Phoebe.

She's the most important thing
in my life.

I'd die before I let
anything happen to her.

That's what I wanted to hear.

Because she's family, okay?

And now you're gonna be family.

And there's nothing more important
in the whole world than family.

That must have been one lousy movie.

That was me!

- Hi.
- Let's talk about this groomsman thing.

If you pick Ross, he'll walk you
down the aisle just fine.

But if you choose me...

you'll be getting some comedy.

Even so...

I think I'm gonna pick Ross.

Let me tell you
why you need to pick me.

Okay.

See, when I was a kid, you know,
I was always left out of everything...

and it really made me feel insecure.

I was always picked last in gym...

even behind that fat exchange student
who didn't know the rules to baseball.

I mean, this guy would strike out
and then run to third.

Anyway, if I'm the only one
left out of this wedding...

I just know that all those feelings
are gonna come rushing back.

All right, fine, I pick you.

Yes!

Make "groom" for Chandler.

Oh, my.

No, we're gonna do it my way.
Because your way is stupid.

All right, I got to go.
I have another call, Reverend.

Hello?

- I'm glad we had this little talk.
- Yes.

And thanks for all
the wedding night advice.

That didn't make me
uncomfortable at all.

All right, so I'll see everybody tonight.

- Okay.
- Bye.

Did you guys know that there's
a giant ice sculpture in the hall?

Oh, my God, what's it doing here?

I guess it got sent to the billing address
as opposed to the shipping address.

- What a pickle.
- Oh, my God, everything's such a mess.

Why is this happening to me?

How bad do you wanna
stick your tongue on that?

- How's it going?
- Good.

I'm just getting some coffee
so I'm alert for the wedding.

That's what I was doing too.

Well, you have fun tonight.

- You too.
- Oh, I will.

Me too.

Wait a minute. I know why I'm being
such an ass. Why are you?

- I'm not supposed to tell you.
- I'm not supposed to tell you.

You told us both
we could be in the wedding?

In my defense, you weren't
supposed to tell each other!

Rachel, only one of us can do it.
You have to choose.

You and me together again.

Rach, Rach? Knock-knock.

- Who's there?
- I'll tell you at the wedding.

Hey, I forgot my scarf.

I can't do this. I don't know
which one of you guys to pick.

Oh, you haven't picked yet?
Oh, good, because I had an idea.

I thought it would be fun if the third
groomsman was my family dog, Chappy.

What? A dog?
No. Rachel gets to choose.

Wow, this is a tough one.

I think I'm gonna have to go
with the dog.

So, what you're saying is
that the chef is at the Hamilton Club...

but the food is not? And the drinks
are there but the bartender is not?

Are you freaking kidding me?

How's it going?

- Help me.
- What?

I want you to be crazy bitch again.

Really?

Please?

- You really want me to come back?
- More than I wanna get married.

Okay, people, we are back in business!

Oh, God, I have missed you
so much. Okay.

Get your hair and makeup done.
I'll take care of everything.

- Hey, what are you guys gonna do?
- About what?

The blizzard.
I just saw on the news...

it's the worst snowstorm
in 20 years.

They already closed
all the bridges and tunnels.

But the band and the photographer
are coming in from New Jersey.

I don't think they are.

Ha-ha! Looks like you're not gonna be
in the wedding, either.

So sorry, Pheebs.

- Well, the club lost its power.
- The news said most of the city did.

- Since when do you watch the news?
- For your information...

since they hired
a very hot weather girl.

I can't believe you aren't
getting married today.

I know.

It's so beautiful out there. You always
wanted to get married outside.

- Why don't you just do it on the street?
- What?

Well, look, it's hardly snowing anymore.

I mean, you couldn't ask
for a more romantic setting.

This could be the simple wedding
you've always wanted.

What do you think?

I think I wanna get married to you today.

Me too. Monica, do you think
we could do it?

Affirmative!

Okay, let's get these chairs out here!

Gunther, hit the Christmas lights.

Ah.

Okay, who left the ice sculpture
on the steam grate?

- Michael.
- Hey, you made it. Great. Chappy!

- There you go.
- Hi. Hi.

I know getting married in the street
isn't what you approve of.

No, it's lovely. The lights and the snow.
I could look at them forever.

I crushed a pill and put it in her drink.

Come on, sweetheart.

You know, Chappy's too small
to handle all this snow.

Someone has to
walk him down the aisle.

- Would this person be in the wedding?
- I guess.

- I'll do it!
- I'll do it!

Chandler, hello?
I mean, aren't you scared of dogs?

I'm not scared.
I'll just take little Chappy and...

He can sense my fear!
My throat is exposed!

Well, I guess I'm in the wedding then.

He stinks.

Level one alert! I repeat,
level one, this is not a drill!

We have a situation. The minister called.
He's snowed in, he can't make it.

- Oh, no.
- Hey, don't worry.

- I'm still ordained from your wedding.
- Really?

Yeah. You think I'd give up being
a minister and pay to ride the subway?

Ministers don't ride the subway for free.

I had to read the Bible pretty carefully,
but, yeah, we do.

We have to find someone else
to walk Phoebe down the aisle.

I'll do it!

Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position.

Chandler, come with me.

Okay, Joey's doing the ceremony,
and Chandler's giving you away.

Oh, okay. Hi, new Dad.

- So you ready to do this?
- Oh, my God. This is really happening.

- Uh-huh. I'm so happy for you, honey.
- Thank you.

I love you.
Wait, wait! No hugs! The dresses!

- Oh, what the hell.
- Oh, come on.

- I love you guys.
- I love you.

Okay, it's zero hour!
All teams execute on my count!

Let's get this bad boy on the road!

Is it okay I want you
to wear that headset in bed?

I have you scheduled for nudity
at 2300 hours.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, Marjorie, hit it.

- Jeez, Ross. You could've showered.
- It's the dog.

Groomsman? Why are you standing
there? Where's your bridesmaid?

We've got a broken arrow!
Bridesmaid down!

Oh, that's me.

- Ready?
- Okay.

Oh, wait. Oh, no. Wait.

Wow. Aren't you gonna be cold?

I don't care.

I'll be my "something blue."

- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.

My God.

- Aren't you freezing?
- Nuh-uh.

Friends. Family.

Dog.

Thank you all for being here
to witness this blessed event.

The cold has now spread
to my special place...

so I'm gonna do
the short version of this.

Phoebe and Mike
are perfect for each other.

And I know I speak for everyone here...

when I wish them
a lifetime of happiness.

Who has the rings?

Okay.

When I was growing up,
I didn't have a normal mom and dad...

or a regular family like everybody else.

And I always knew
that something was missing.

But now I'm standing here today...

knowing that I have everything
I'm ever gonna need.

You are my family.

Phoebe, you are so beautiful.

You're so kind. You're so generous.

You're so wonderfully weird.

Every day with you is an adventure.

And I can't believe how lucky I am.

And I can't wait
to share my life with you forever.

Oh, wait! Oh, I forgot. And...

I love you.

And you have nice eyes.

I love you too.

- Joey?
- Yeah?

Chappy's heart rate
has slowed way down.

Okay. Phoebe...

do you take this man
to be your husband?

I do.

Oh...

Mike, do you take this woman
to be your wife?

I do.

I now pronounce you...

husband and wife.

I got married!

Could someone get me a coat?
I'm frigging freezing.

- It really was an incredible wedding.
- It was.

I kind of don't want it to end.
Hey...

you wanna come in for a drink
and a bite of corsage?

I'd love to, but it's 2300 hours...

and I'm about to have the most
organized sex anyone's ever had.

- Whatever happened to Ross?
- I don't know.

Maybe he hooked up with that
hot girl he talked to.

Come on, Chappy! Do your business!
Make!

Make!

I did not sign on for this.