Friends (1994–2004): Season 10, Episode 11 - The One Where the Stripper Cries - full transcript

- Hey, guys...
- Wait! Let me tell them.

- Oh, sure.
- Joey's gonna be...

a celebrity guest on a game show.

- Hey.
- Oh.

- Really? Which one?
- Mm-mm.

Fish. Seaweed.

- A sunken ship.
- Things you find in the ocean.

- You're gonna be on Pyramid!
- Yeah.

- That was our favorite game show ever.
- Except for Match Game.

- Or Win, Lose or Draw.
- Oh!

What did I marry into?



You guys wanna come
and watch me tape the show?

Oh, we can't. We're throwing Phoebe
a bachelorette party.

Yeah. Sorry, boys, this ride's closing.

Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid
college alumni thing.

Oh, I can't believe you get
to meet Donny Osmond.

- Seriously?
- Yeah-huh.

Ross and I always wanted to be
Donny and Marie.

Mm-hm.

You guys just keep getting
cooler and cooler.

Yeah, we used to perform
for our family and friends.

Oh, God, that's right. I blocked that out.

I'm a little bit country

And I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll

I'm leaving you.



It's so weird to see
all these people again.

Oh, my God, look. There's Jeffrey Klarik.

- Who?
- He was roommates with John Rosoff.

He went out with Andrea Tamborino.

She dumped him for Michael Skloff.

Did I go to this school?

Hey, there's Missy Goldberg.
You gotta remember her.

Sure. Nice.

Dude, you're married to my sister.

You're right. By saying "nice,"
I'm virtually licking her.

Hey, I hear she's single again.
You think I should ask her out?

Are you asking permission
to break the pact?

Yes, please.

Hey. Hey, check out the
fliers for the band.

- I made them on a Macintosh.
- Awesome.

The name really stands out.

Thanks to a little something called
helvetica bold 24-point.

Man, we're gonna rock
that Asian Student Union.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Missy.

Our band is playing on Friday.

Yeah, you should come check us out.

We're called Way/No Way.

- No way.
- Way.

- Great. I'll be there.
- Fresh.

- Boss.
- Mint.

- She's gone.
- I know it.

- I am totally gonna ask her out.
- Dude, I was gonna ask her out.

- I said it first, bro.
- Well, I thought it first, homes.

- Look, if you date...
- Wait! Wait! What are we doing?

What we have is too important
to mess it up over some girl.

I mean, we can get laid
any time we want.

Totally.

- I had sex in high school.
- Me too. I'm good at it.

All right, I say we make a pact.

Neither of us will go out
with Missy Goldberg.

You got it.

That's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates
and Molly Ringwald...

who we can't go out with.
- Those are the pacts.

Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably
couldn't get her anyway.

Maybe not you.

Well, I officially give you permission
to break the pact.

Thank you.

All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary
it used to be going up to girls in college?

- Your hands are shaking.
- I know. And I can't stop sweating.

Five, four, three. Applause.

Yeah!

Welcome. It is Soap Opera Week
here on Pyramid.

Let's meet our contestants. First,
Gene Lester is a database specialist.

He's gonna be playing with
Days of Our Lives star Joey Tribbiani.

And over here, we have Henrietta Cherry.

I know it can be intimidating for
regular people to be around celebrities...

but relax. I'm just like you,
only better-looking and richer.

She'll be playing with star
of General Hospital Leslie Charleson.

Welcome, everybody. Good luck
to all of you. Let's play Pyramid.

All right? Now, we flipped a coin
before the show.

Gene, you won the toss,
so you'll start. Which category?

- "You Crossed the Line."
- "You Crossed the Line." Joey...

describe for Gene these things
that have lines.

Give me 20 seconds on the clock,
please. Ready? Go.

Uh, okay,
it's a store like a supermarket.

Oh. I see what I did there. Okay, okay.
Uh, I'm writing in my...

- Diary.
- No, more like a notebook.

Damn it. Okay.

Um, oh, if I'm building a house,
the plan...

isn't called a "shmooprint"...

I can't do that either?

Oh, in high school, I once had sex
with a girl right in the middle of the?

- Cafeteria?
- Yeah, but they're not looking for that.

Aw...

- Thank you so much for this.
- Aw, you like it?

Oh, my God, it's all so elegant.

- Hee, hee.
- Aw.

When's the dirty stuff starting?

- What?
- The strippers and the guys dancing...

and, you know,
pee-pees flying about.

Oh!

Pheebs, I... There isn't gonna be
any "flying about." Ha, ha.

We thought we were
a little too mature for stuff like that.

Oh, okay.

I see what you're doing. That's fine.
This is all there is. Just tea. Okay.

Mm, raunchy.

Seriously, Pheebs, it's not gonna be
that kind of a party.

Really? So this is?

This is my big sendoff into
married life?

Rachel, this is the only
bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have.

I've got a big wad of ones in my purse.

Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?

No.

- Phoebe, of course there's more.
- Okay.

I mean,
let me just go talk to Monica...

and get an ETA on the pee-pees. Heh.

Now, Gene, I must remind you, you need
all six of these to stay in the game.

Describe for Joey
"things you find in your refrigerator."

Bah, they might as well
just give us the points. Ha-ha-ha.

Give me 20 seconds on the clock.
Ready? Go.

- You put this in your coffee.
- Uh, a spoon. Your hands. Your face.

- It's white.
- Paper. Snow. A ghost!

- It's heavier than milk.
- A rock. A dog. The Earth. Heh, heh.

- Pass.
- Ugh.

- You put it on a sandwich.
- Salami. Anchovies. Jam.

- It's white.
- Paper. Snow. A ghost!

- It's made from eggs.
- Chickens?

- Pass.
- Ugh.

- You put this on a hamburger. Yes!
- Ketchup! Relish!

- Stop!
- Oh.

Oh, time's up.
Well, Joey, you were, uh...

almost on a roll there, ha-ha-ha.
- Yeah.

Gene, you'll have a chance to go to
the Winner's Circle, but now...

Henrietta, you're going to the Winner's
Circle to try your luck for $10,000...

right after this. Don't go away.

And we're out.

Oh, so we didn't win.
But it's fun to play the game, right?

Hey.

I got a kid starting college.
I have to get surgery on my knee.

You just lost me 10 grand.

Oh, wow.

I'm so sorry. Okay, I promise,
we'll do better next time.

Well, I will, because I won't be
playing with you.

Hey, some of those were pretty hard.

Like, why would there be
a ghost in my fridge?

Yeah.

- So Saturday night?
- I'd love to.

Great.

So how come it took you so long
to ask me out?

Oh, well, uh,
this is gonna sound kind of silly...

but do you remember
my roommate, Chandler Bing?

Sure. He was in your "band."

It's been 16 years,
but the air quotes still hurt. Heh.

- Sorry.
- That's okay. Um, anyway...

Ahem, well, he and I
both really liked you a lot, um...

but we didn't want it to jeopardize
our friendship, so we made a pact...

that neither of us could ask you out.

- Really?
- Yeah, why?

Well, Chandler and I used to make out.

A lot.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- We'd go to the science lab after-hours.
- And on my turf?!

Hey. Hey, where is this guy?
It's been over an hour.

He's coming from Jersey.
He said he'd get here as fast as he could.

- Who is it?
- It's the police.

- The police!
- Oh!

That's right. It's Officer Goodbody.

What's the matter, officer?
Has someone been bad?

Whew, that's a lot of stairs.

Oh, boy. You should warn people
there's no elevator.

I should not have had
that Mexican food for lunch.

- Oh.
- Are you gonna be okay, Officer, uh?

- Goodbody.
- If you say so.

So where's the young lady...

who I am supposed to take
downtown?

Oh, God.

All right. Somebody show me
where to plug in my box...

and we'll get this party started.

Wah!

- Over here?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Rachel?

- Yeah?
- Um, are you kidding?

We didn't know you wanted a stripper,
so we got the phone book...

and got the first name we could find.
- How old's your phone book?

Oh, my God, this man is gonna
get naked in my apartment.

God, no. I don't wanna see him
take his clothes off.

Are you talking about me?

Oh, no.

I mean, obviously we wanna see you
take your clothes off.

You big piece of eye candy.

Okay. Okay, ladies,
can I have your attention, please?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.

Did someone call
for the long arm of the law?

I should warn you,
I have a concealed weapon.

I hope you're familiar
with this state's penal code.

Okay, okay. Enough teasing.

Now for some pleasing.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Sometimes I feel I've got to

Run away I've got to get away

From the pain you drive
Into the heart of me

The love we share Seems to go

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

She cringed.

This is how I look when I'm turned on.

You were talking about me before.

Look, I don't need this. I'm out of here.
Where's my hat?

Look, I've been in this business
for a long time.

Shocking.

Now, if you'll just pay me my $300,
I'll be on my way.

- $300? Are you kidding?
- That's okay. Let me get my checkbook.

You're not gonna pay him.
He didn't do anything.

Didn't do anything? I took a bus
all the way from Hoboken.

I climbed, I don't know,
like, a billion stairs.

And it's not like I can
take them two at a time.

I don't care.
We're not paying you $300 for this.

It's not my fault if you're
too uptight to appreciate...

the male form in all its glory.

Okay, I'm uptight. That's why I don't
wanna watch a middle-aged guy...

dance around in what I can only
assume is a child's Halloween costume.

I may have borrowed this
from my nephew...

but let me assure you,
what's underneath is all man.

I'm sorry, did you say "all man"
or "old man"?

Whoa!

You're mean.

- Uh, look, uh, officer, um... Sir?
- Damn it.

Listen.

Big surprise.
The hunk of beef has feelings.

Applause.

Okay, Henrietta, you picked
"Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill."

Oh. My friend Rachel has a kid.
I totally know nursery rhymes.

Joey, describe these things associated
with the United States Congress.

Give me 20 seconds
on the clock, please.

Ready? Go.

Uh... Uh...

Pass.

- Uh, the thing hanging in your throat.
- Uvula.

Oh, then pass.

Aw...

Okay. Henrietta, you didn't get
all the points you needed...

so that means, Gene, you are going to
the Winner's Circle to try for $10,000.

And you're gonna be
going there with Joey Tribbiani.

You made out with Missy Goldberg?

How could you do that
after you promised me?

Excuse me.

That didn't make us sound gay at all.

- You broke the pact.
- Ross, that was 16 years ago.

That doesn't matter. We're talking
about the foundation of our friendship.

I believe the foundation of our friendship
was unfortunate hair.

If we're really gonna do this, it's not
like you never broke one of the pacts.

- I didn't.
- Oh, really?

- No.
- Oh, really?

- No!
- Adrienne Turner!

Yes?

Hey, Adrienne.

Hey.

I never did anything
with Adrienne Turner.

Oh, please. And you knew
how much I liked her.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Really? Remember
that party freshman year?

A week before Christmas vacation?

I do.

You had some visitors.

I can't believe we're
at a real college party.

I have to pee so bad.

This is so awesome.

College guys are so cute.

- Hey, you've got a boyfriend.
- I know.

But if a guy who looks like Corey Haim
wants to kiss me, I am so gonna let him.

Hey, look, there's Chandler.

That stupid friend of Ross'
who said I was fat.

- I've already lost four pounds.
- You can so totally tell.

I know!

Well, let's see,
maybe he knows where Ross is.

Der Kommissar's in town, uh-oh

Hey, how's it going?

- Aren't you?
- Yeah, Rachel.

And this is Ross' sister, Monica.
We met at Thanksgiving.

Right. So how you doing?

Bitchen.

- Hi, Monica.
- Hi, Chandler.

It's really nice to see you. Not!

Okay.

I'll see if I can find Ross.

Oh, my God, Rach. Beanbag chairs.

Oh.

Do not let me sit in one of those.
We'll be here for days.

Don't turn around, uh-oh

Listen, Adrienne,
you can't tell Chandler about this.

Oh, believe me, Ross,
I won't be telling anybody about this.

Cool.

Don't turn around, uh-oh

Der Kommissar's in town

I didn't know you knew about that.

Well, I did. And it hurt.

That's when I wrote the song
"Betrayal in the Common Room."

Man, I'm sorry.

Look, that was a long time ago.

So, I made out with Adrienne,
and you made out with Missy.

Well, I guess we're even.

Mm-hm.

We are even, right?

One more thing. I was so pissed at you
that night, I wanted to get back at you.

So I thought, "Who does Ross
like more than anybody?"

What did you do to my mom?

Not her.

Talk about it, talk about it
Talk about movin'

Gotta move on

I am so drunk.

Gotta move on

That's weird. I've had the same number
of beers as you and I don't feel anything.

So you girls having fun?

For your information, ass-munch...

I've lost four pounds.
Maybe even five with all the dancing.

- Somebody order a pizza?
- Oh, that's me!

Won't you take me to Funkytown?

I am so not gonna do good
on my SATs tomorrow.

Well, maybe you could go to school here
next year and we could totally hang out.

Oh, yeah. There's a plan.

Why don't I just start taking
my smart pills now?

Well, maybe you could get in
on a beauty scholarship.

What a line.

Oh, my God.

- So where are you applying to?
- Um, well...

I think it's kind of really important
that I go somewhere where there's sun.

So I'm sort of... Hey!

I'm in college and I'm in a band.

Yeah, okay.

Won't you take me to Funkytown?

What's the matter? You never saw
a 50-year-old stripper cry before?

You know, it's fine. We'll pay you.

No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding?

I should have hung up
that breakaway jockstrap years ago.

What am I gonna do? I mean...

this has been my life for 32 years.

Taking my clothes off
in front of people is all I know.

No, there's gotta be something else
that you can do.

I mean, what skills do you have?

I don't know.

I can make my pecs dance.

I can pick up a dollar bill
with my butt cheeks.

I can go to that special place
inside me where I feel no shame.

So maybe something in an office.

Or you could...
You could teach stripping.

You know, share your gift.
Pass the torch.

You know, actually,
that's not a bad idea.

I could do it out of my apartment.
I don't think my mom would mind.

There you go. Okay.
You think you're gonna be okay?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

This is so weird.

You never know when it's gonna be
your last dance.

And I didn't even get a chance
to finish it.

Finish it.

- What?
- Your last dance. Do it for us.

- Really?
- Really?

Yeah. Yeah, he deserves to do
the thing he loves one last time.

Okay. All right. Get ready, ladies.

Okay.

Whoa, you make me feel

Whoo!

Mighty real

You make me feel

Mighty real

Oh, this is so hot!

Oh, no, no, no, don't stop.

- Have to.
- Oh.

I feel real

Welcome to the Winner's Circle.
Joey, Gene, you guys ready?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

Okay. Uh, give me 60 seconds
on the clock, please.

Ready? Go.

Oak. Maple. Elm. Birch.

Uh, I don't know. Types of trees?

Enchilada.

Oh, I'm so sorry,
I don't know any Spanish words.

Wow.

A match. A candle.

Things that go "tss"
when you put them out.

- A torch. A bonfire.
- Uh, I...

- Uh, your pee.
- Things that burn.

"I'd like to go for a walk."
Uh, "scratch my belly."

Dude. Dude, I think you're losing it.

Uh, "I have fur." Uh, "I like to bark."

Oh, oh, oh! What a dog says.

- Uh, pepperoni.
- Pizza toppings! Next!

Cindy Crawford. Uh, Christie Brinkley.
Heidi Klum. Claudia Schiffer.

Oh, oh, oh. Uh...

Christy Turlington. Uh, Kate Moss.

Girls Chandler could never get?

- Supermodels.
- Where?

Hey. Where's Rachel?

She and Phoebe took the stripper
to the hospital.

Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel?

What? When was this?

1987. The weekend you guys
visited me at school.

- Oh, my God. That's wild.
- But it was, like, a million years ago.

- It doesn't matter.
- It matters to me.

- Why?
- Because the night you kissed Rachel...

was the night I kissed Rachel
for the very first time.

- You kissed her that night too?
- Two guys in one night?

Wow, I thought she became a slut
after she got her nose fixed. Wow.

- Seriously, where did this happen?
- Okay...

after you told me she was
passed out in our room...

I went in there to make sure
she was all right.

She was lying on my bed,
all buried in people's coats.

I went to kiss her on the forehead...

but it was so dark,
I accidentally got her lips.

I started to pull away, but then
I felt her start to kiss me back.

It was only for a second,
but it was amazing.

And now I find out
that you kissed her first.

- Wait, what bed did you say she was on?
- Mine.

- I'm sure I put her on my bed.
- No, she was definitely on my bed.

Why would I kiss a girl
and then put her on your bed?

Well, then who was on my bed?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

No! No! No!

Yes!

- You were under the pile of coats?
- I was the pile of coats!

Oh, my God!

You were my midnight mystery kisser?!

You were my first kiss with Rachel?!

You were my first kiss ever?!

What did I marry into?!

Aw, crap!

Burn, baby, burn