Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 9 - The One Where Underdog Gets Away - full transcript

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Terry, I know I haven't worked here
very long...

...but I was wondering,
do you think it would be possible...

...if I got a $100 advance on my salary?

An advance?

It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving
with my family.

See, every year, we go skiing in Vail,
and normally my father pays for my ticket...

...but I've sort of started
this whole independent thing, you know...

...which is actually why I took this "job."

Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart.

You're a terrible, terrible waitress.

Really, really awful.



Okay, I hear what you're saying.
I'm with you.

Um...

But I'm trying really hard,
and I think I'm doing better.

I really do.

Does anybody need coffee?

MAN: Yeah, over here.
WOMAN: Yeah, I do.

Heh. Look at that.

Excuse me, sir?
Hi. You come in here all the time.

MAN: Uh-huh.
- I was just wondering...

...you think there's a possibility
you could give me an advance on my tips?

Huh? No.

RACHEL: Okay, okay. That's fine, fine.
Sorry about that spill before.

[SIGHS]

Only 98.50 to go.



- Hey. Hey.
ROSS & CHANDLER: Hey.

Ross, did you know that Mom and Dad
are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?

What? No, they're not.

- Yes, they are. The Blymans invited them.
- You're wrong.

- I am not wrong.
- You're wrong.

No, I just talked to them.

I'm calling Mom.

- Hey, hey.
MONICA & CHANDLER: Hey.

- Hey.
- Coffee.

And this from the Cry for Help Department:
Are you wearing makeup?

Yes, I am.

As of today, I am officially
Joey Tribbiani, actor/model.

Thank you.

That's funny, I was thinking you look more
like Joey Tribbiani, man/woman.

What were you modeling for?

You know those posters
for the City Free Clinic?

Oh, wow. You're gonna be one of those
healthy, healthy, healthy guys?

- Ah?
- The asthma guy's really cute.

- Oh, he is.
RACHEL: Isn't he?

- You know which one you're gonna be?
- No, no.

But I hear Lyme disease is open,
so, you know...

Good luck, man. I hope you get it.

Thanks.

Well, you were right.
How can they do this to us, huh?

It's Thanksgiving.

Aw. Tell you what.
How about if I cook dinner at my place?

I'll make it just like Mom's.

Will you make the mashed potatoes
with the lumps?

You know they're not actually
supposed to...?

I'll work on the lumps.

- Joey, you're going home, right?
- Yeah.

And I assume, Chandler, you're still
boycotting all the Pilgrim holidays?

Yes, every single one of them.

Phoebe, you're gonna be
with your grandma?

Yeah, and her boyfriend.

But we're celebrating Thanksgiving
in December because he's lunar.

So you're free Thursday, then?

- Yeah. Oh, can I come?
- Yeah.

Rach, you still thinking
you're gonna make it to Vail?

Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop.

- Only $102 to go.
- I thought it was 98.50.

Yeah, well, it was, but I broke a cup.

Well, I'm off to Carol's.

Ooh, ooh, why don't we invite her?

Ooh, ooh, because she's my ex-wife...

...and will probably wanna
bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.

[SUSAN CHUCKLES]

Hi. Is Carol here?

- No, she's at a faculty meeting.
- Oh.

Well, I just came by to pick up my skull.

Well, not mine, but...

- Come in.
- Thanks.

Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class,
and I have to get it back to the museum.

What's it look like?

Kind of like a big face without skin.

Yes, heh, I'm familiar with the concept.

- We can just look for it.
- Okay.

Wow, you guys, heh, sure have a lot
of books about being a lesbian.

Well, you know,
you have to take a course.

Otherwise they don't let you do it.

Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.

Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.

[CHUCKLES]

The baby that hasn't been born yet?

Uh, wouldn't that mean you're...

...crazy?

What, you don't think
they can hear sounds in there?

You're not serious.
I mean, you really talk to it?

Yeah, all the time.
I want the baby to know my voice.

Do you, uh...? Do you talk about me?

- Yeah, yeah. All the time.
- Really?

But, um, we just refer to you as
"Bobo the sperm guy."

Look, if she's talking to it, I just think
I should get some belly time too.

I mean, not that I believe any of this.

Oh, I believe it.
I think the baby can totally hear everything.

- Really?
- I can show you.

This will seem a little weird.

But you put your head
inside this turkey...

...and then we'll all talk,
and you'll hear everything we say.

I'd just like to say
I'm totally behind this experiment.

In fact,
I'd very much like to butter your head.

ROSS: Hey.
MONICA: Hey, Rach.

- Did you make your money?
RACHEL: No, not even close.

Forget Vail. Forget seeing my family.

Forget shoop, shoop, shoop.

Uh, Rach...

...here's your mail.

Thanks. You can just put it on the table.

Heh. No.

Here's your mail.

Thanks. You can just put it on the table.

Would you just open it?

Oh, my God.

- Oh, you guys are great.
- Aw. Ha, ha.

RACHEL: Aw.
- We all chipped in.

- We did?
- You owe me 20 bucks.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Chandler, here you go.
Got your traditional holiday feast.

Got your tomato soup...

...your grilled-cheese fixings,
and your family-size bag of Funyuns.

Wait, this is what you're having
for Thanksgiving dinner?

What is it with you and this holiday?

[SIGHS]

All right, I'm 9 years old.

- Aw.
- Aw, I hate this story.

We've just finished Thanksgiving dinner.

I have... And I remember this part vividly.
- A mouthful of pumpkin pie.

And this is the moment my parents
choose to tell me they're getting divorced.

Oh, my God.

It's very difficult to enjoy Thanksgiving
dinner once you've seen it in reverse.

Hi.

- We used to work together.
- We did?

Yeah, at Macy's.
You're the Obsession girl, right?

- Yes.
- I was the Aramis guy.

- Aramis? Aramis? Aramis?
- Oh.

Yeah, right.

I gotta tell you,
you're the best in the business.

- Get out.
JOEY: I'm serious.

You're amazing. You know when to spritz.
You know when to lay back.

Really?
You don't know what that means to me.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm, mm.

You smell great tonight.
Uh, what are you wearing?

Nothing.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Listen, do you wanna go get a drink
or something?

Yeah, that would be...

- What's wrong?
- I just remembered I have to do something.

Oh. What?

Um...

Leave.

JOEY:
Whoa. Wait, wait, wait.

[GASPS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ROSS CLEARS THROAT]

[CHANDLER CLEARS THROAT]

So I guess you all saw it.

- What?
- Saw what?

No, we're just laughing.
You know how laughter can be infectious.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey.

Set another place for Thanksgiving.
My entire family thinks I have VD.

Tonight, on a very special Blossom.

MONICA:
Mm, looking good. Okay.

Cider's mulling, turkey's turking,
yams are yamming.

What?

I don't know.

It's just not the same
without Mom in the kitchen.

Ugh. All right, that's it.
Get out of my way and stop annoying me.

Well, that's closer. That's...

I got the ticket, I got the ticket.

Five hours from now,
shoop, shoop, shoop.

Oh, you must stop shooping.

Okay, I'm gonna get my stuff.

Chandler, will you just come in, already?

No, thank you. I prefer to keep
a safe distance from all this merriment.

Look out. Incoming pumpkin pie.

[MIMICS PLANE ZOOMING]

Okay, we all laughed when you did it with
the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.

Hey, Monica, I got a question.
I don't see any Tater Tots.

That's not a question.

But my mom always makes them.
It's like a tradition.

You get a little piece of turkey on your fork,
a little cranberry sauce, and a Tot.

I mean, it's bad enough
I can't be with my family...

...because of my disease.

All right, fine.

Tonight's potatoes
will be both mashed with lumps...

...and in the form of Tots.

Yes.

All right,
I'm off to talk to my unborn child.

- Ah.
- Okay, Mom never hit.

[MIXER WHIRRING]

PHOEBE:
Okay, all done.

What? Phoebe, did you whip the pota...?

Ross needs lumps.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I just...

I thought we could have them whipped
and then add some peas and onions.

Why would we do that?

Then they'd be just like
my mom used to make it...

...you know, before she died.

Okay, three kinds of potatoes coming up.

Okay. Goodbye, you guys.

Thanks for everything.

Oh, God, look at... Sorry. I'm so sorry.

The most unbelievable thing has happened.
Underdog has gotten away.

- The balloon?
- No, no, the actual cartoon character.

Of course the balloon.

It's all over the news.
Before he reached Macy's...

...he broke free and was spotted
flying over Washington Square Park.

- I'm going to the roof. Who's with me?
- Well, I can't. I gotta go.

An 80-foot inflatable dog
loose over the city?

- How often does that happen?
- Almost never.

- Got the keys?
- Okay.

Any time you're ready.

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Oh...

Okay, where am I talking to here?
I mean, uh...

Well, there is one way that seems to offer
a certain acoustical advantage, but...

Just aim for the bump.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay, here goes.

You know, I... You know, I can't do this.

This is... It's too weird. I feel stupid.

All right, so don't do it. It's fine.

You don't have to do it
just because Susan does it.

Hello, baby. Hello, hello.

- That moment when we first saw
the giant dog shadow fall over the park?

But did they have to shoot him down?
I mean, that was just mean.

Okay, right about now the turkey
should be crispy on the outside...

...and juicy on the inside.

Why are we standing here?

We're waiting for you to open the door.
You've got the keys.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.
When we left, you said, "Got the keys."

No, I didn't. I asked, "Got the keys?"

No, no, no. You said, "Got the keys."

Either of you have the keys?

- The oven is on.
- Oh, I've gotta get my ticket.

- Wait. We have a copy of your key.
- Well, then get it, get it!

Hey, hey.
That tone won't make me go any faster.

- Joey.
- That one will.

ROSS:
And everyone's telling me:

"You gotta pick a major.
You gotta pick a major."

So on a dare, I picked paleontology.

And you have no idea what I'm saying,
because, let's face it, you're a fetus.

You're just happy
you don't have gills anymore.

Look, you don't have to talk to it.
You can sing to it.

Oh, please.
I am not singing to your stomach, okay?

- How's it going?
ROSS: Shh, shh, shh.

[SINGING]
Here we come

Walkin' down the street

Get the funniest looks from
Everyone we meet

Hey, hey...

- Hey, uh, did you just feel that?
- I did.

- Well, does it always, uh...?
- No, no, that was the first.

- Keep singing. Keep singing.
ROSS: Oh.

[SINGING]
Hey, hey, you're my baby

And I can't wait to meet you

When you come out I'll buy you a bagel
And then we'll go to the zoo

[CAROL & SUSAN SHRIEK]

I felt it that time.

Hey, hey, I'm your daddy

I'm the one without any breasts

- Nope, not that one.
- Can you go any faster with that?

Hey, I got one keyhole
and about a zillion keys.

You do the math.

Why do you guys have so many keys
in there anyway?

For an emergency just like this.

All right, listen, smirky.

If it wasn't for your stupid balloon...

...I would be on a plane,
watching a woman do this right now.

But I'm not.

I swear you said you had the keys.

No. I wouldn't say I had the keys
unless I had the keys.

And I obviously did not have the keys.

Okay, all right, that's it.
Enough with the keys. No one say "keys."

Why would I have the keys?

Aside from the fact
that you said you did?

- But I didn't.
- Well, you should have.

MONICA: Why?
RACHEL: Because.

Why? Because everything
is my responsibility?

Isn't it enough
that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner?

Everyone wants a different kind of potato,
so I'm making different kinds of potatoes.

You know, does anybody care
what kind of potatoes I want?

No, no, no!

You know, just as long as Phoebe
gets her peas and onions...

...and Mario gets his Tots.

[SOBBING IN HIGH VOICE]
It's my first Thanksgiving, and I...

It's all burnt, and I can't...

[SOBS]

Okay, Monica,
only dogs can hear you now, so...

Look, the door's open. Here we go.

Oh, God.

- Ooh.
- Oh.

Well, the turkey's burnt.

Potatoes are ruined.
Potatoes are ruined. Potatoes are ruined.

[SINGING]
Here we come

Walkin' down the...

[ROSS HUMS]

This doesn't smell like Mom's.

No, it doesn't, does it?
But you wanted lumps, Ross?

Well, here you go, buddy. You got one.

Oh, God, this is great.

The plane is gone,
so I guess I'm stuck here with you guys.

Hey, we all had better plans, okay?
This was nobody's first choice.

Oh, really?

So why was I busting my ass...

...to make this delicious
Thanksgiving dinner?!

- You call that delicious?
- You be quiet!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

All right, stop it, stop it, stop it!

Now, this feels like Thanksgiving.

PHOEBE: Ew.
- What?

PHOEBE: Ugly Naked Guy's
taking his turkey out of the oven.

JOEY, ROSS & MONICA:
Eh.

PHOEBE:
Oh, my God. He's not alone.

Ugly Naked Guy...

...is having Thanksgiving dinner
with Ugly Naked Gal.

JOEY:
I gotta see this.

ALL:
Aw.

All right, Ugly Naked Guy.

Ooh, ugly naked dancing.

It's nice that he has someone.

Shall I carve?

By all means.

CHANDLER:
All right.

Okay, who wants light cheese
and who wants dark cheese?

I don't even wanna know
about the dark cheese.

- Does anybody wanna split this with me?
- Ooh, I will.

Mm. You guys have to make a wish.

- Make a wish?
- Come on, you know, Thanksgiving.

Ooh. You got the bigger half.
What did you wish for?

The bigger half.

All right, I'd like to propose a toast.

- A little toast here. Ding, ding, ding.
ALL: Mm.

This isn't exactly
the kind of Thanksgiving you planned...

...but for me this has been really great,
you know?

I think because it didn't involve divorce...

...or projectile vomiting.

I was just thinking,
if you'd gone to Vail...

...or if you guys had been with your family,
or if you didn't have...

...syphilis and stuff...

...we wouldn't be all together, you know?

So I guess what I'm trying to say...

...is that I'm very thankful
that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.

RACHEL & JOEY:
That's so sweet.

RACHEL:
Thank you.

ROSS:
Mm.

And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.

And a crappy New Year.

ALL:
Hear, hear.

[English - US - SDH]