Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 8 - The One Where Nana Dies Twice - full transcript

Hey, gorgeous. How's it going?
Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights.
Does it get better than this?
Question: You're not dating, are you?
I met somebody who would be perfect for you.
You see, perfect might be a problem.
Had you said co-dependent or self-destructive...
- You want a date Saturday? - Yes, please.
He is cute.
- He's funny. He's... - He's a he?
Well, yeah.
Oh, God. I just...
You're nice... Oh, God.
Good, Shelly. Okay. I'm gonna go flush myself down the toilet now.
Okay. Bye-bye.
CHANDLER: It's hard to enjoy noodles after that. Is that ridiculous?
Can you believe she actually thought that?
Um...
Yeah.
Well, when I first met you, I thought maybe...
...possibly...
...you might be.
You did?
Then you spent Phoebe's birthday party talking to my breasts...
...so then I figured maybe not.
Huh. Did, uh, any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?
- I did. - I think so.
- Not me. - No, no, me neither.
Although, uh, back in college, Susan Saladore did.
You're kidding.
- Did you tell her I wasn't? - No.
It's because I wanted to go out with her too.
So I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman...
...who also liked her.
Well, this is fascinating.
So, uh, what is it about me?
I don't know. Because you're smart, you're funny...
Ross is smart and funny. You ever think that about him?
- Ha, ha. Yeah, right. - What is it?
Okay, I don't know. You just... You have a quality.
- Yes, exactly. - Right?
Yeah, a quality.
"A quality." Good. I was worried you were gonna be vague about this.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Oh. Rachel.
It's Paolo calling from Rome.
Oh, my God. Calling from Rome.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
So he's calling from Rome. I could do that.
Just gotta go to Rome.
Monica, your dad just beeped in. Can you make it quick?
I'm talking to Rome.
Hey, Dad. What's up?
Oh, God.
Ross, it's Nana.
Hey.
MONICA: How you doing? ROSS: Hey, Dad.
So, uh, how's she doing?
The doctor says it's a matter of hours.
- How are you, Mom? - Me? I'm fine, fine.
I'm glad you're here.
What's with your hair?
What?
What's different?
Nothing.
Oh, maybe that's it.
She's unbelievable. Her mother's...
Okay, relax, relax.
We are gonna be here a while, it looks like.
We still have boyfriends and your career to cover.
Oh, God.
The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.
Oh.
Yeah, they were gross.
Oh, you know what I love?
Her Sweet 'N Lows.
How she was always stealing them from restaurants.
Not just restaurants, from our house.
Mrs. Geller?
ROSS: She looks so small.
I know.
Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now.
Goodbye, Nana.
Bye, Nana.
[ROSS YELLS] [MONICA SCREAMS]
Ross!
Nurse.
What is going on?
You know, uh, how the nurse said Nana had passed?
Well, she's not quite.
- What? - She's not passed.
She's present. She's back.
What's going on?
She may have died.
"She may have died"?
We're looking into it.
Uh, I'll go see.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
This almost never happens.
[HEART MONITOR STOPS]
Now she's passed.
I just have to know, okay?
Is it my hair?
Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
RACHEL: Hey. MONICA: Hi.
RACHEL: So did she?
Twice.
Oh, that sucks.
You guys okay?
I don't know. It's weird.
I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh...
Maybe that's because she's not really gone.
No, no, she's gone.
We checked.
A lot.
No, I mean, maybe no one ever really goes.
Ever since my mom died, every now and then...
...I get this feeling that she's, like, right here, you know?
Oh. And Debbie, my best friend from junior high...
...got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course.
I always get this strong Debbie vibe...
...whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils.
I miss her.
Aw. Here, Pheebs.
Want this?
- Oh, thanks. - Sure.
I just sharpened her this morning.
See, I don't believe any of that. I think when you're dead...
...you're dead. You're gone. You're worm food.
So Chandler looks gay, huh?
I don't know who this is, but it's not Debbie.
I thought it'd be a closed casket.
Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice.
Sweetie, you think you can get in there?
I don't see why not.
ROSS: Here's my retainer.
I was just thinking...
...when my time comes... - Dad.
Listen to me.
When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.
You what?
I wanna be buried at sea. It looks like fun.
Define "fun."
Come on. You'll make a day of it. You'll get a boat, pack a lunch...
And then we throw your body in the water. Gee, that does sound fun.
Everyone thinks they know me.
Everyone says, "Jack Geller, so predictable."
Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say, "Buried at sea? Huh."
That's probably what they'll say.
I'd like that.
- Hey, gorgeous. - Hey.
Look, I'm sorry about yesterday.
Don't worry about it. Apparently, other people have made the same mistake.
Oh. Okay. Phew.
So, uh, what do you think it is about me?
I don't know what.
You just have...
...a quality. - A quality. Right. Great.
It's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great couple.
Lowell? Financial Services Lowell? That's who you saw me with?
What? He's cute.
Well, yeah.
He's no Brian in Payroll.
Is Brian?
No. I don't know. The point is, if you were gonna set me up...
...I'd like to think it'd be with somebody like him.
Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.
Excuse me. You don't think I could get a Brian?
Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me.
I'm really not.
ROSS: This one?
No.
I've shown you every dress we have.
Unless you want her to spend eternity in a lemon-yellow pantsuit...
...go with the burgundy.
Whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one.
You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.
A fine choice. I'm coming out.
Wait. We need shoes.
Okay. Uh...
How about these?
That's really a day shoe.
And where she's going, everyone else will be dressier?
Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
Okay. I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy.
I can show you something in a silver that may work.
No, it really should be burgundy.
- Unless we go with a different dress. - Yes.
No, no, no. Watch this.
Wait, I may have something in the back.
Oh, my God.
Is everything all right, dear?
Yeah. Yeah.
Just Nana's stuff.
How we doing? You guys ready?
Mom called to remind me not to wear my hair up.
Did you know my ears were not my best feature?
Some days it's all I can think about.
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my bearings.
Heh. You mean your earrings?
What did I say?
[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]
- Are these the shoes? - Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
What? We, uh, don't have shoes here?
Morning. We ready to go?
Don't we look nice all dressed up?
It's stuff like that, isn't it?
- It was a beautiful service. - It really was.
Come here, sweetheart.
You know...
...I think it's time for you to start using night cream.
What?
Nothing. Just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Musburger.
Check it out. Giants-Cowboys.
You're watching football at a funeral?
No, it's the pregame. I'm gonna watch it at the reception.
You're a frightening, frightening man.
RACHEL: Oh, no. My new Paolo shoes.
Oh. I hope they're not ruined.
PHOEBE: God, what a great day.
What? Weatherwise.
I know.
The air, the trees.
Even though Nana's gone, there's something almost, uh, life...
- Ross, are you okay? - Ross!
I'm fine. No, I'm fine.
Just...
...having my worst fear realized, but...
PHOEBE: I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm.
- Huh. - What? What is it?
- You missed a belt loop. - Ugh.
[ROSS WHIMPERS]
Okay, it's in spasm.
Here, sweetie. Here.
I took these when I had my golfing accident.
Thanks, Mom.
ANDREA: Sorry.
Hi, I'm Andrea.
I'm Dorothy's daughter.
Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
PHOEBE: Hey, look who's up.
- Hey. - How do you feel?
[CHUCKLES]
I feel great.
[SLURRING] I feel great. I feel great.
Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Yeah. Not the first two, but the second two, whew.
I love you guys.
You guys are the greatest. I love my sister.
I love Pheebs. Ha.
- That's so nice. - Hey.
- Chandler. - Hey.
I love you, man.
And listen, if you wanna be gay, be gay.
It doesn't matter to me.
You were right.
Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.
I love you the most.
Well, you know who I love the most?
- No. - You.
Oh, you don't get it.
- Aw! - What do you got there?
Uh, just a, uh, hearing disability.
What's the score?
17-14, Giants. Three minutes to go in the third.
Beautiful.
[SPORTS ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO]
[RACHEL SIGHS]
Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker?
Your grandmother would've hated this.
Well, sure. What with it being her funeral and all.
No, I'd be hearing about...
...why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?
Or I didn't spend enough on flowers. If I spent more, she'd say:
"Why waste your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead."
That sounds like Nana.
Do you know what it's like to grow up...
...with someone who is critical of every single thing you say?
I can imagine.
I tell you, it's a wonder your mother turned out...
...to be the positive, life-affirming person she is.
That is a wonder.
So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again...
...I mean, if she was here right now...
...would you tell her?
Tell her what?
How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail.
Like your hair, for example.
I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.
Would things have been better if you'd just told her the truth?
No.
I think some things are better left unsaid.
I think it's nicer when people just get along.
Ha.
More wine, dear?
Oh, I think so.
Those earrings look really lovely on you.
Thank you.
They're yours.
Actually, they were Nana's.
MEN: No!
Now I'm depressed.
Even more than I was.
Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Uh, that little naked guy would be me.
Aw. Look at the little thing.
Yes, fine. That is my penis.
Can we be grownups now?
- Who are those people? - Got me.
- That's Nana right there in the middle. - Wow.
Yeah, let's see.
"Me and the gang at Java Joe's."
Wow. Monica, you look just like your grandmother.
How old was she there?
Let's see. "1939."
Uh, twenty-four, twenty-five.
Huh. It looks like a fun gang.
Ooh, look, look, look. I got Monica naked.
Let me see.
No, no. That would be me again.
I'm, uh, just trying something.
- Hey, Lowell. - Oh, hey, Chandler.
So how's it going in Financial Services?
It's like Mardi Gras without the papier-mâché heads.
How about you?
Good. Good. Listen, um, heh...
...I don't know what Shelly told you about me, but, uh...
...I'm not.
I know. That's what I told her.
- Really? - Yeah.
So you can tell?
Pretty much. Most of the time. We have a kind of radar.
So you don't think I have...
...a quality?
Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no.
By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll? He is.
- He is? - Yep.
And way out of your league.
Out of my league.
I could get a Brian. If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian.
Hey, Brian.
[English - US - SDH]