Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 3 - The One with the Thumb - full transcript
Monica is reluctant to introduce her new boyfriend, Alan, to her friends because they've mocked all of the boyfriend they've met before. To her surprise, they love Alan. However, she realizes she doesn't feel a spark with Alan and breaks up with him. Her friends take the news very hard, but Alan is relieved (since he couldn't stand her friends). Chandler resumes his smoking habit. Phoebe encounters a problem with her bank account, when a bank error in her favor nets her $1,000. She gives the money (and a complementary football phone) away to a homeless friend, who in turn buys her a soda. When Phoebe opens it, she sees a thumb, so the soda company gives her $7,000.
- Hi, guys.
JOEY: Hey, Phoebe.
Hey, oh, how did it go?
Um, not so good.
He walked me to the subway and said,
"We should do this again."
- Ouch.
- What? He said, "We should do it again."
That's good, right?
Uh, no. Loosely translated,
"We should do this again," means:
"You will never see me naked."
Since when?
Since always. It's, like, dating language.
You know, like, "It's not you,"
means, "It is you."
"You're such a nice guy," means:
"I'm gonna be dating
leather-wearing alcoholics...
...and complaining about them to you."
Or, you know, um, "I think we should see
other people," means:
"Ha, ha, I already am."
And everybody knows this?
Oh, yeah. Cushions the blow.
Like when you're a kid
and your parents put your dog to sleep...
...and they tell you it went off
to live on some farm.
That's funny.
No, because, uh, our parents actually did...
...uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
Uh, Ross?
Ha, ha. Hello.
The Milner's farm in Connecticut?
The Milners,
they had this unbelievable farm.
They had horses and rabbits
that he could chase.
And it was...
Oh, my God. Chi-Chi.
CHANDLER: "So how does it feel
knowing you're about to die?"
Warden, in five minutes
my pain will be over.
But you'll have to live with the knowledge
that you sent an honest man to die.
- Hey, that was really good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Thanks. Let's keep going.
Okay. "So, what do you want
from me, Dimon? Huh?"
I just wanna go back to my cell,
because in my cell, I can smoke.
"Smoke away."
Heh.
[COUGHING]
I think this is probably why Dimon
smokes in his cell alone.
- What?
- Relax your hand.
Let your wrist go.
- Not so much.
- Whoa.
Hey.
All right. Now try taking a puff.
Right.
- Okay, no, give it to me.
- No, no, no. I'm not giving you a cigarette.
No, it's fine. It's fine. Look, do you want
to get this part or not? Here.
All right. Now, don't think
of it as a cigarette.
Think of it as the thing
that has been missing from your hand.
When you're holding it, you feel right.
- You feel complete.
- You miss it?
No, not so much.
All right. Now we smoke.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
They say it's the same as the distance
from the tip of a guy's thumb...
...to the tip of his index finger.
That's ridiculous.
Can I use either thumb?
All right. Don't tell me, don't tell me.
Decaf cappuccino for Joey.
Coffee, black.
Latte.
And an iced tea.
- I'm getting pretty good at this.
- Excellent. That's very good.
Good for me.
[MUMBLING]
- You okay, Phoebe?
- Yeah, no, it's not even worth...
It's my bank.
What did they do to you?
It's nothing, it's just... Okay.
I'm going through my mail,
and I open up their monthly "statement."
Easy.
And there's 500 extra dollars
in my account.
Oh, Satan's minions at work again.
Yes, because now I have to go down there
and deal with them...
- What are you talking about? Keep it.
- It's not mine.
I didn't earn it.
If I kept it, it would be like stealing.
Yeah, but if you spent it,
it would be like shopping.
Okay. Okay.
Let's say I bought
a really great pair of shoes.
Do you know what I'd hear
with every step I took?
"Not mine. Not mine. Not mine."
And even if I was happy, okay,
and skipping...
...I'd hear, "Not mine. Not mine."
We're with you. We got it.
Okay, I'd never be able to enjoy it.
It'd be like this giant karmic debt.
Chandler, what are you doing? Hey.
What are you doing?
Oh, gross.
- What is this?
- I'm smoking. I'm smoking. I'm smoking.
I can't believe you.
You've been so good for three years.
And this is my reward.
Hold on a second. Just think about what
you went through the last time you quit.
Okay, so this time I won't quit.
- Put it out.
- All right. I'm putting it out.
Oh, no.
I can't drink this now.
All right, I'm gonna go change.
I've got a date.
Is this Alan again? How's it going?
It's going pretty good, you know?
It's nice and we're having fun.
- So when do we get to meet the guy?
ROSS: Yeah.
Let's see, today's Monday...
- Never.
- Come on.
- No, not after what happened with Steve.
- What are you talking about?
[LISPING]
We love Steve. Steve was sexy.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Sorry.
Look, I don't know how I feel about him yet.
Give me a chance to figure it out.
Well, then can we meet him?
No.
[LISPING]
Sorry.
Why should I let them meet him?
I bring a guy home and within five minutes
they're all over him.
I mean, they're like coyotes picking off
the weak members of the herd.
Listen, as someone who's seen
more than her share of bad beef...
...I'll tell you, that is not
such a terrible thing.
Come on, they're your friends.
They're looking out after you.
I know, I know. I wish that once I'd
bring a guy home they actually liked.
Well, you do realize that the odds
of that happening are a little slimmer...
...if they never get to meet the guy.
Let it go, Ross.
Yeah? Well, you didn't know Chi-Chi.
MONICA:
Do you all promise?
- Yeah, we promise. We'll be good.
JOEY: We promise.
Chandler, do you promise to be good?
[THUNDER CRASHING]
You can come in, but your filter tip
little buddy has to stay outside.
ROSS:
Hey, Pheebs.
"Dear Ms. Buffay: Thank you
for calling attention to our error.
We have credited your account $500.
We're sorry for the inconvenience...
...and hope you'll accept
this football phone...
...as our free gift." Do you believe this?
Now I have $1000 and a football phone.
What bank is this?
[DOOR BUZZES]
Okay, it's him.
- Who is it?
ALAN: Alan.
Chandler. He's here.
Okay, please be good. Please?
I mean, remember how much
you like me.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi. Alan, this is everybody.
Everybody, this is Alan.
- Hi.
GROUP: Hey.
[LISPING] I've heard so much
about all you guys.
MONICA:
Thanks, I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin.
Who's gonna take the first shot?
Hmm?
Come on.
I'll go.
Let's start with the way
he kept picking at...
You know, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
Can't do it. We loved him.
GROUP: We loved him.
- Wait a minute.
We're talking about someone
that I'm going out with?
GROUP: Yes.
- And did you notice?
GROUP:
Yeah.
Know what was great?
The way his smile was kind of crooked.
Yes, yes. Like the man in the shoe.
What shoe?
From the nursery rhyme.
"There was a crooked man
who had a crooked smile...
...who lived in a shoe for a while..."
So I think Alan...
...will become the yardstick...
...against which all future boyfriends
will be measured.
What future boyfriends?
No, no. I think this could be,
you know, "it."
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
I'd marry him just for his
David Hasselhoff impression alone.
You know I'm gonna be doing that
at parties, right?
- You know what I like most about him?
- What?
The way he makes me feel about myself.
ALL:
Yeah.
Hi.
How was the game?
Well...
- We won!
- We won! Thank you! Yeah.
Fantastic. I have one question:
How is that possible?
- Alan.
- He was unbelievable.
He was like that Bugs Bunny cartoon
where Bugs is playing all the positions.
But instead of Bugs, it was first base, Alan.
Second base, Alan...
I mean, it was like he made us
into a team.
Yep. We sure showed
those Hasidic jewelers...
...a thing or two about softball.
- Nice.
Can I ask you guys a question?
Do you ever think that Alan
is maybe sometimes...
- What?
- I don't know. A little too Alan?
Oh, no. That's not possible.
You can never be too Alan.
Yeah, it's his innate Alan-ness
that we adore.
- I, personally, could have a gallon of Alan.
- Oh!
- Hey, Lizzy.
- Hey, Weird Girl.
- I brought you alphabet soup.
- Did you pick out the vowels?
Yes, but I left in the Y's.
Because, you know, "Sometimes Y."
Um, I also have something else for you.
Saltines?
No, but would you like $1000
and a football phone?
What?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. There's really money in here.
- I know.
Weird Girl, what are you doing?
Oh, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
No, no. I have to give you something.
No, it's fine. You don't...
Do you want my tinfoil hat?
No, because you need that.
No, it's okay. Thanks.
Please. Let me do something.
Okay, all right. I'll tell you what.
You buy me a soda
and then we're even. Okay?
- Okay.
PHOEBE: Okay.
Keep the change.
Thanks, Lizzy.
Sure you don't want a pretzel?
- No, I'm fine. Thanks.
- See you.
Huh.
A thumb?
GROUP:
Ew.
I know, I know.
I opened it up and there it was...
...just floating in there,
like this tiny little hitchhiker.
Maybe it's a contest, you know?
Like "Collect all five."
Does, um, anyone wanna see?
No, thanks.
- Oh, hey, don't do that. Come on.
- Cut that out.
It's worse than the thumb.
Hey, this is so unfair.
- Why is it unfair?
- So I have a flaw. Big deal.
Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking
isn't annoying?
And Ross, with his over-pronouncing
every single word.
And Monica, with that snort
when she laughs.
I mean, what the hell is that thing?
I accept all those flaws.
Why can't you accept me for this?
Does the knuckle-cracking
bother everybody, or just him?
Well...
...I could live without it.
Huh.
Well, is it, like, a little annoying? Or
is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
Now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, all right?
I think it's endearing.
Oh, you do, do you?
[LAUGHING]
[SNORTS]
You know, there's nothing wrong
with speaking correctly.
Indeed there isn't.
I should really get back to work.
Yeah, otherwise someone might
get what they actually ordered.
Oh. The hair comes out
and the gloves come off.
[GROUP SHOUTING]
Did you ever go out with a guy
your friends all really like?
No.
Okay. Well, I'm going out with a guy
my friends all really like.
We talking about the coyotes here?
Heh. All right. A cow got through.
Can you believe it?
It's just, you know what?
I just don't feel the thing.
I mean, they feel the thing.
I don't feel the thing.
Honey, you should always...
...feel the thing.
Listen, if that's how you feel
about the guy, Monica, dump him.
I know, it's just gonna be really hard.
Yeah, he's a big boy. He'll get over it.
No, he'll be fine.
It's the other five I'm worried about.
Do you have any respect for your body?
Don't you realize
what you're doing to yourself?
Hey, you know, I've had it
with you and your cancer...
...and your emphysema
and your heart disease.
The bottom line is, smoking is cool,
and you know it.
Ahem. Chandler?
It's Alan. He wants to speak to you.
Really? He does?
Hey, buddy. What's up?
Oh, she told you about that, huh?
Well, yeah. I have one now and then.
Well, yeah, now.
Well, it's not that bad...
Well, that's true.
Gee, you know, no one's
ever put it like that before.
Well, okay. Thanks.
God, he's good.
If only he were a woman.
Yeah.
CHANDLER:
Oh, Lamb Chop.
How old is that sock?
If I had a sock on my hand
for 30 years, it'd be talking too.
Okay, I think it's time to change
somebody's nicotine patch.
Hey.
Where's Joey?
Joey ate my last stick of gum,
so I killed him.
Do you think that was wrong?
- I think he's across the hall.
- Thanks.
There you go.
Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
Hey, Pheebs, you gonna
have the rest of that Pop Tart?
Does anyone want the rest
of this Pop Tart?
Hey, I might.
I'm sorry.
You know, those stupid soda people
gave me $7000 for the thumb.
- Oh, my God.
- Seven thousand dollars?
And on my way over here,
I stepped in gum.
What is up with the universe?
What's going on?
Nothing. I just think it's nice
when we're all here together.
It's even nicer when everyone
gets to wear their underwear.
- Uh, Joey...
- Oh.
MONICA: Okay.
- Oh, come on.
Please, guys, we have to talk.
Wait, wait. I'm getting a déjà vu.
No, I'm not.
- All right, we have to talk.
- There it is.
Okay, it's about Alan.
There's something you should know.
Oh, man, there's really
no easy way to say this. Uh...
I've decided to break up with Alan.
Is there somebody else?
No, no, no. It's just...
...you know, things change.
People change.
We didn't change.
So that's it? It's over?
Just like that?
You know, you let your guard down.
You know, you start to really care
about someone, and I just...
- Look, I could go on pretending...
- Okay.
No. No, that wouldn't be fair to me...
...it wouldn't be fair to Alan,
or to you.
Yeah, well, who wants fair?
I mean, I just want things back,
you know, the way they were.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, she's sorry. I feel better.
I just can't believe this.
I mean, with the holidays coming up.
I wanted him to meet my family.
I'll meet someone else.
There'll be other Alans.
Yeah, right.
- Are you guys gonna be okay?
- Hey, hey. We'll be fine.
We're just gonna need a little time.
I understand.
Wow.
- I'm really sorry.
- Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry too.
But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved.
- Relieved?
- Yeah, well...
...I mean, I had a great time with you.
I just can't stand your friends.
Remember when we went
to Central Park and rented boats?
That was fun.
Yeah. He could row like a Viking.
- Hi.
GROUP: Hi.
So how'd it go?
- You know.
- Did he mention us?
He says he's really gonna
miss you guys.
ROSS:
You had a rough day, huh?
- Oh, you have no idea.
ROSS: Come here.
- That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
GROUP: No, no, no.
I don't care. I don't care.
Game's over. I'm weak. I've gotta smoke.
I've gotta have the smoke.
If you never smoke again,
I'll give you $7000.
Yeah, all right.
[English - US - SDH]
JOEY: Hey, Phoebe.
Hey, oh, how did it go?
Um, not so good.
He walked me to the subway and said,
"We should do this again."
- Ouch.
- What? He said, "We should do it again."
That's good, right?
Uh, no. Loosely translated,
"We should do this again," means:
"You will never see me naked."
Since when?
Since always. It's, like, dating language.
You know, like, "It's not you,"
means, "It is you."
"You're such a nice guy," means:
"I'm gonna be dating
leather-wearing alcoholics...
...and complaining about them to you."
Or, you know, um, "I think we should see
other people," means:
"Ha, ha, I already am."
And everybody knows this?
Oh, yeah. Cushions the blow.
Like when you're a kid
and your parents put your dog to sleep...
...and they tell you it went off
to live on some farm.
That's funny.
No, because, uh, our parents actually did...
...uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
Uh, Ross?
Ha, ha. Hello.
The Milner's farm in Connecticut?
The Milners,
they had this unbelievable farm.
They had horses and rabbits
that he could chase.
And it was...
Oh, my God. Chi-Chi.
CHANDLER: "So how does it feel
knowing you're about to die?"
Warden, in five minutes
my pain will be over.
But you'll have to live with the knowledge
that you sent an honest man to die.
- Hey, that was really good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Thanks. Let's keep going.
Okay. "So, what do you want
from me, Dimon? Huh?"
I just wanna go back to my cell,
because in my cell, I can smoke.
"Smoke away."
Heh.
[COUGHING]
I think this is probably why Dimon
smokes in his cell alone.
- What?
- Relax your hand.
Let your wrist go.
- Not so much.
- Whoa.
Hey.
All right. Now try taking a puff.
Right.
- Okay, no, give it to me.
- No, no, no. I'm not giving you a cigarette.
No, it's fine. It's fine. Look, do you want
to get this part or not? Here.
All right. Now, don't think
of it as a cigarette.
Think of it as the thing
that has been missing from your hand.
When you're holding it, you feel right.
- You feel complete.
- You miss it?
No, not so much.
All right. Now we smoke.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
They say it's the same as the distance
from the tip of a guy's thumb...
...to the tip of his index finger.
That's ridiculous.
Can I use either thumb?
All right. Don't tell me, don't tell me.
Decaf cappuccino for Joey.
Coffee, black.
Latte.
And an iced tea.
- I'm getting pretty good at this.
- Excellent. That's very good.
Good for me.
[MUMBLING]
- You okay, Phoebe?
- Yeah, no, it's not even worth...
It's my bank.
What did they do to you?
It's nothing, it's just... Okay.
I'm going through my mail,
and I open up their monthly "statement."
Easy.
And there's 500 extra dollars
in my account.
Oh, Satan's minions at work again.
Yes, because now I have to go down there
and deal with them...
- What are you talking about? Keep it.
- It's not mine.
I didn't earn it.
If I kept it, it would be like stealing.
Yeah, but if you spent it,
it would be like shopping.
Okay. Okay.
Let's say I bought
a really great pair of shoes.
Do you know what I'd hear
with every step I took?
"Not mine. Not mine. Not mine."
And even if I was happy, okay,
and skipping...
...I'd hear, "Not mine. Not mine."
We're with you. We got it.
Okay, I'd never be able to enjoy it.
It'd be like this giant karmic debt.
Chandler, what are you doing? Hey.
What are you doing?
Oh, gross.
- What is this?
- I'm smoking. I'm smoking. I'm smoking.
I can't believe you.
You've been so good for three years.
And this is my reward.
Hold on a second. Just think about what
you went through the last time you quit.
Okay, so this time I won't quit.
- Put it out.
- All right. I'm putting it out.
Oh, no.
I can't drink this now.
All right, I'm gonna go change.
I've got a date.
Is this Alan again? How's it going?
It's going pretty good, you know?
It's nice and we're having fun.
- So when do we get to meet the guy?
ROSS: Yeah.
Let's see, today's Monday...
- Never.
- Come on.
- No, not after what happened with Steve.
- What are you talking about?
[LISPING]
We love Steve. Steve was sexy.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Sorry.
Look, I don't know how I feel about him yet.
Give me a chance to figure it out.
Well, then can we meet him?
No.
[LISPING]
Sorry.
Why should I let them meet him?
I bring a guy home and within five minutes
they're all over him.
I mean, they're like coyotes picking off
the weak members of the herd.
Listen, as someone who's seen
more than her share of bad beef...
...I'll tell you, that is not
such a terrible thing.
Come on, they're your friends.
They're looking out after you.
I know, I know. I wish that once I'd
bring a guy home they actually liked.
Well, you do realize that the odds
of that happening are a little slimmer...
...if they never get to meet the guy.
Let it go, Ross.
Yeah? Well, you didn't know Chi-Chi.
MONICA:
Do you all promise?
- Yeah, we promise. We'll be good.
JOEY: We promise.
Chandler, do you promise to be good?
[THUNDER CRASHING]
You can come in, but your filter tip
little buddy has to stay outside.
ROSS:
Hey, Pheebs.
"Dear Ms. Buffay: Thank you
for calling attention to our error.
We have credited your account $500.
We're sorry for the inconvenience...
...and hope you'll accept
this football phone...
...as our free gift." Do you believe this?
Now I have $1000 and a football phone.
What bank is this?
[DOOR BUZZES]
Okay, it's him.
- Who is it?
ALAN: Alan.
Chandler. He's here.
Okay, please be good. Please?
I mean, remember how much
you like me.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi. Alan, this is everybody.
Everybody, this is Alan.
- Hi.
GROUP: Hey.
[LISPING] I've heard so much
about all you guys.
MONICA:
Thanks, I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin.
Who's gonna take the first shot?
Hmm?
Come on.
I'll go.
Let's start with the way
he kept picking at...
You know, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
Can't do it. We loved him.
GROUP: We loved him.
- Wait a minute.
We're talking about someone
that I'm going out with?
GROUP: Yes.
- And did you notice?
GROUP:
Yeah.
Know what was great?
The way his smile was kind of crooked.
Yes, yes. Like the man in the shoe.
What shoe?
From the nursery rhyme.
"There was a crooked man
who had a crooked smile...
...who lived in a shoe for a while..."
So I think Alan...
...will become the yardstick...
...against which all future boyfriends
will be measured.
What future boyfriends?
No, no. I think this could be,
you know, "it."
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
I'd marry him just for his
David Hasselhoff impression alone.
You know I'm gonna be doing that
at parties, right?
- You know what I like most about him?
- What?
The way he makes me feel about myself.
ALL:
Yeah.
Hi.
How was the game?
Well...
- We won!
- We won! Thank you! Yeah.
Fantastic. I have one question:
How is that possible?
- Alan.
- He was unbelievable.
He was like that Bugs Bunny cartoon
where Bugs is playing all the positions.
But instead of Bugs, it was first base, Alan.
Second base, Alan...
I mean, it was like he made us
into a team.
Yep. We sure showed
those Hasidic jewelers...
...a thing or two about softball.
- Nice.
Can I ask you guys a question?
Do you ever think that Alan
is maybe sometimes...
- What?
- I don't know. A little too Alan?
Oh, no. That's not possible.
You can never be too Alan.
Yeah, it's his innate Alan-ness
that we adore.
- I, personally, could have a gallon of Alan.
- Oh!
- Hey, Lizzy.
- Hey, Weird Girl.
- I brought you alphabet soup.
- Did you pick out the vowels?
Yes, but I left in the Y's.
Because, you know, "Sometimes Y."
Um, I also have something else for you.
Saltines?
No, but would you like $1000
and a football phone?
What?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. There's really money in here.
- I know.
Weird Girl, what are you doing?
Oh, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
No, no. I have to give you something.
No, it's fine. You don't...
Do you want my tinfoil hat?
No, because you need that.
No, it's okay. Thanks.
Please. Let me do something.
Okay, all right. I'll tell you what.
You buy me a soda
and then we're even. Okay?
- Okay.
PHOEBE: Okay.
Keep the change.
Thanks, Lizzy.
Sure you don't want a pretzel?
- No, I'm fine. Thanks.
- See you.
Huh.
A thumb?
GROUP:
Ew.
I know, I know.
I opened it up and there it was...
...just floating in there,
like this tiny little hitchhiker.
Maybe it's a contest, you know?
Like "Collect all five."
Does, um, anyone wanna see?
No, thanks.
- Oh, hey, don't do that. Come on.
- Cut that out.
It's worse than the thumb.
Hey, this is so unfair.
- Why is it unfair?
- So I have a flaw. Big deal.
Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking
isn't annoying?
And Ross, with his over-pronouncing
every single word.
And Monica, with that snort
when she laughs.
I mean, what the hell is that thing?
I accept all those flaws.
Why can't you accept me for this?
Does the knuckle-cracking
bother everybody, or just him?
Well...
...I could live without it.
Huh.
Well, is it, like, a little annoying? Or
is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
Now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, all right?
I think it's endearing.
Oh, you do, do you?
[LAUGHING]
[SNORTS]
You know, there's nothing wrong
with speaking correctly.
Indeed there isn't.
I should really get back to work.
Yeah, otherwise someone might
get what they actually ordered.
Oh. The hair comes out
and the gloves come off.
[GROUP SHOUTING]
Did you ever go out with a guy
your friends all really like?
No.
Okay. Well, I'm going out with a guy
my friends all really like.
We talking about the coyotes here?
Heh. All right. A cow got through.
Can you believe it?
It's just, you know what?
I just don't feel the thing.
I mean, they feel the thing.
I don't feel the thing.
Honey, you should always...
...feel the thing.
Listen, if that's how you feel
about the guy, Monica, dump him.
I know, it's just gonna be really hard.
Yeah, he's a big boy. He'll get over it.
No, he'll be fine.
It's the other five I'm worried about.
Do you have any respect for your body?
Don't you realize
what you're doing to yourself?
Hey, you know, I've had it
with you and your cancer...
...and your emphysema
and your heart disease.
The bottom line is, smoking is cool,
and you know it.
Ahem. Chandler?
It's Alan. He wants to speak to you.
Really? He does?
Hey, buddy. What's up?
Oh, she told you about that, huh?
Well, yeah. I have one now and then.
Well, yeah, now.
Well, it's not that bad...
Well, that's true.
Gee, you know, no one's
ever put it like that before.
Well, okay. Thanks.
God, he's good.
If only he were a woman.
Yeah.
CHANDLER:
Oh, Lamb Chop.
How old is that sock?
If I had a sock on my hand
for 30 years, it'd be talking too.
Okay, I think it's time to change
somebody's nicotine patch.
Hey.
Where's Joey?
Joey ate my last stick of gum,
so I killed him.
Do you think that was wrong?
- I think he's across the hall.
- Thanks.
There you go.
Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
Hey, Pheebs, you gonna
have the rest of that Pop Tart?
Does anyone want the rest
of this Pop Tart?
Hey, I might.
I'm sorry.
You know, those stupid soda people
gave me $7000 for the thumb.
- Oh, my God.
- Seven thousand dollars?
And on my way over here,
I stepped in gum.
What is up with the universe?
What's going on?
Nothing. I just think it's nice
when we're all here together.
It's even nicer when everyone
gets to wear their underwear.
- Uh, Joey...
- Oh.
MONICA: Okay.
- Oh, come on.
Please, guys, we have to talk.
Wait, wait. I'm getting a déjà vu.
No, I'm not.
- All right, we have to talk.
- There it is.
Okay, it's about Alan.
There's something you should know.
Oh, man, there's really
no easy way to say this. Uh...
I've decided to break up with Alan.
Is there somebody else?
No, no, no. It's just...
...you know, things change.
People change.
We didn't change.
So that's it? It's over?
Just like that?
You know, you let your guard down.
You know, you start to really care
about someone, and I just...
- Look, I could go on pretending...
- Okay.
No. No, that wouldn't be fair to me...
...it wouldn't be fair to Alan,
or to you.
Yeah, well, who wants fair?
I mean, I just want things back,
you know, the way they were.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, she's sorry. I feel better.
I just can't believe this.
I mean, with the holidays coming up.
I wanted him to meet my family.
I'll meet someone else.
There'll be other Alans.
Yeah, right.
- Are you guys gonna be okay?
- Hey, hey. We'll be fine.
We're just gonna need a little time.
I understand.
Wow.
- I'm really sorry.
- Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry too.
But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved.
- Relieved?
- Yeah, well...
...I mean, I had a great time with you.
I just can't stand your friends.
Remember when we went
to Central Park and rented boats?
That was fun.
Yeah. He could row like a Viking.
- Hi.
GROUP: Hi.
So how'd it go?
- You know.
- Did he mention us?
He says he's really gonna
miss you guys.
ROSS:
You had a rough day, huh?
- Oh, you have no idea.
ROSS: Come here.
- That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
GROUP: No, no, no.
I don't care. I don't care.
Game's over. I'm weak. I've gotta smoke.
I've gotta have the smoke.
If you never smoke again,
I'll give you $7000.
Yeah, all right.
[English - US - SDH]