Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 21 - The One with the Fake Monica - full transcript

How'd someone get your credit card number?
I have no idea. Look how much they spent!
Calm down. You only have to pay for the stuff you bought.
Still, it's just such reckless spending.
When somebody steals your credit card...
...they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
That's me.
Oh! Oh, the yuck.
He's doing it again!
Marcel, stop humping the lamp!
Stop humping! Now, Marcel, come back!
Come here, Marcel!
Oh, no, no! Not in my room! I'll get him.
You've got to do something about the humping.
What? It's just a phase.
Well, that's what we said about Joey.
Hey, would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.
RACHEL: Marcel, stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!
- What? RACHEL: Ugh!
Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.
Ugh, Monica, you are not still going over that thing.
- This woman's living my life. - What?
She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me.
Look at this. Look.
She buys tickets to plays I want to see.
She shops at stores that I'm intimidated by the salespeople.
She spent $300 on art supplies.
You're not an artist.
Yeah, well, I might be if I had the supplies.
I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.
Oh, Monica, come on. You do cool things.
Oh, really? Let's compare, shall we?
Oh, it's so late for "shall we?"
Do I go horseback riding in the park, hmm?
Do I take classes at The New School?
- No. - No.
This is so unfair.
She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.
How about Joey Paponi?
No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
Joey Switzerland?
Plus I think it should be Joe. Joey makes me sound like I'm...
...this big.
Which I'm not!
Joe, Joe, Joe... Stalin?
Stalin.
Do I know that name? That sounds familiar.
- Well, it does not ring a bell with me. - Huh.
Joe Stalin.
You know, that's pretty good.
- You might want to try Joseph. - Ah!
Joseph Stalin!
- I think you'd remember that! - Oh, yes!
Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin.
Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
_l-ley- _H€Y-
Hi.
Hi. Uh, yes, this is Monica Geller.
Um, I'm taking classes with you, and I was wondering what they were.
What are you doing?
All right, great.
Great. Thanks a lot.
I'm going to tap class.
So you can dance with the woman that stole your card?
She's got my life. I want to see who she is.
Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up!
Honey, you're kind of losing it here.
This is really becoming a weird obsession.
This is madness, I tell you.
For the love of God, Monica, don't do it!
Thank you.
What do you think?
Lots of things.
Which one do you think she is?
- May I help you? - Oh, no, thanks.
We're just here to observe.
You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class!
Spare shoes are over there.
What does she mean?
I think she means, "You dance...
...a dance class!"
Come on, come on, come on!
RACHEL: Really?
Hey, do you see anybody you think could be me?
People, last time there were yogurt containers lying around after class.
Let's not have that happen again!
She could be you.
Let's get started.
Five, six. Five, six, seven, eight.
Okay, I'm not getting this!
I'm totally getting it!
Do you everjust feel like you're so unbelievably uncoordinated?
What? You just click when they click.
All right. Now everyone grab a partner.
Oh! Oh.
All right. And my dead mother said you are it! I'm with Rachel.
Great, it's gym class all over again.
RACHEL & PHOEBE: Aww.
That's all right. You can come up to the front and dance with me.
Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare?
It's okay, it's okay! I'm here, I'm here. I'm so sorry I'm late.
Okay, here I am.
So who's the new tense girl?
She's your partner.
- Hi, I'm Monica. - Hi.
Oh, ha.
Monica.
Hi, I'm Mon--
Nana.
- Monana? - Yeah.
It's Dutch.
You're kidding. I spent three years in Amsterdam.
[SPEAKING IN DUTCH]
Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
And we're dancing!
Five, six, seven, eight.
Hi.
_l-ley- _H€Y-
- Where have you been? - I just got back from the vet.
She's not gonna make you wear a big plastic cone, is she?
She says Marcel's humping thing is not a phase.
Apparently, he's reached sexual maturity.
Hey, he beat you!
She says, as time goes on, he'll start getting aggressive and violent.
What does this mean?
I have to give him up.
I can't believe it. This sucks!
You just got him. How could he be an adult already?
I know, I know. One day he's this little thing...
...and before you know it, he's this little thing...
...I can't get off my leg.
Isn't there any way you can keep him?
No. No.
The vet said that unless he's in a place where he has regular access...
...to some monkey loving...
...he's just gonna get vicious.
I just gotta get him into a zoo.
- How do you get a monkey into a zoo? - I know that one!
No, that's popes into a Volkswagen.
We're applying to a lot of them. Our first choice would be a state zoo.
You know, like, uh, San Diego.
Right?
But that may just be a pipe dream because he's out-of-state.
My vet knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.
But that's two blocks from the beach. It's a total party zoo.
- Hey. CHANDLER: Hey.
- Hi. - We found the girl!
- What? - Did you call the cops?
Nope. We took her to lunch.
Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
Are you insane? This woman stole from you!
She stole! She's a stealer!
After you're with this woman for 10 minutes, you forget all that.
I mean, she's this astounding person...
...with this amazing spirit!
Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader!
- Take off their hats. - Popes in a Volkswagen!
Mm-hm.
I love that joke.
- No way! No way did you do this! - Monana was very brave.
It was so wild.
We told them we were the Gunnersons in room 615...
...only to find out the Boston Celtics had the entire sixth floor!
So when they caught on to the fact that we're short and have breasts...
They threw us out. I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!
Go, Monana!
Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream.
I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up.
Oh, by the way...
...tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.
Excuse me?
There's an open call for Cats.
I'm thinking we go down there, sing "Memories"...
...and make complete fools of ourselves. What do you say?
No, no, no.
Remember who you're dealing with here. Ha.
I'm not like you. I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
That's because of your Amish background.
- What? - Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
Right.
Till I bought a blow dryer. Then I was shunned.
I was just like you.
And then one day, I saw a movie that changed my life.
- Did you ever see Dead Poets Society? - Uh-huh.
I thought that movie was so incredibly...
...bOl'ing!
I mean, that thing at the end where the kid...
...kills himself because he can't be in the play?
What was that?
It's like, "Kid, wait a year. Leave home, do some community theater!"
I walked out of there, and I thought:
"Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back!"
And that scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
Wow.
Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, God.
We didn't get into Scranton.
That was our safety zoo.
They take, like, dogs and cows.
See?
I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.
I'd say that chair's taking the brunt of it.
ROSS: Marcel. Marcel.
Marcel, no.
Good boy!
See? How can nobody want him?
Somebody will.
You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
You're kidding!
Apparently, he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people!
- You'd think you would've known that! - You'd think I would've.
Phoebe, what do you think a good stage name for me would be?
[C L EARS T I-l ROAT]
Flame Boy!
Where exactly is your zoo?
Well, it's technically not a zoo per se.
It's, uh, more of an interactive wildlife experience.
Let me ask you some questions about-- Is it, uh, Marcel?
- Yes. - Yes. Uh...
Does he, uh, fight with other animals?
No, no. He's very docile.
Hmm. Even if he were cornered?
Well, I don't know. Why?
Um, how is he at handling small objects?
He can hold a banana, if that's what you mean.
What about a hammer or a small blade?
[STAMMERS] Why would he need a blade?
If he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns...
...you got to give the little guy something.
Otherwise, it's just cruel!
[PANTING] He got into San Diego!
- What? - Yeah.
We were coming back from our walk, and the phone was ringing...
- He's in! - He's in? Ah!
Did you hear that, Marcel?
San Diego! San Diego! Yeah!
You're making a mistake. San Diego's well and good...
...but if you give him to me, I'll start him against a blind rabbit...
...and give you 20 percent of the gate.
Yo-ho!
Where have you been?
Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.
Are you drunk?
No!
I'm lying.
I am so drunk!
Oh, God!
Ugh. Great. You know what? You could have called.
I've been up here. I've been worried--
Monica.
Monica?
Water rules!
Yes. Yes, it does.
The restaurant called. They want to know if you're showing up.
Nope!
I'm going to the Big Apple Circus today.
What are you doing? You're gonna lose your job. This is not you!
No, it is me!
I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows...
...and pay the bills as soon as they come in!
You know, when I'm with her, I'm so much more than that!
Rn
I'm Monana!
[PHONE RINGING]
Ahem, hello?
Yes, she is. Hold on a second, please.
Ahem, Monana, it's for you.
The credit card people.
Hello'?
Yes?
Oh, my God!
Thanks.
What?
They've arrested Monica.
- Hi. - Hey.
How are you?
I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my color.
How did you know I was here?
Because...
...I'm Monica Geller.
It was my credit card you were using.
That I was not expecting.
I want you to know, I didn't turn you in.
Oh.
- Thanks. - No, thank you.
You have given me so much.
If it wasn't for you, I'd never have gotten...
...to sing "Memories" at the Winter Garden Theater.
Actually, you only got to sing "Memo--"
I can't believe you're in here. What am I gonna do without you?
Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me?
Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of 25 other women...
...and you're worried about who will take you to the Big Apple Circus?
Well, not worried, you know, just wondering.
There's nothing to wonder about.
You'll go back to being who you were because that's who you are.
- Not necessarily. - Yes, necessarily.
I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the Amish thing.
Um, I'm not actually Amish.
Really? Then why are you like that?
You by the door, in or out?
In!
You in the back, you're getting it wrong!
At least I'm doing it!
WOMAN [OVER PA]: This is the final boarding call for Flight 67 to San Diego...
...boarding at Gate 42A.
Okay, goodbye, little monkey guy.
- I wrote you this poem. - Aw.
Okay, but don't eat it till you get on the plane.
- Thank you, Aunt Phoebe. - Aww.
Okay, bye, champ-
There's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego...
...but remember, there's also a lot to learn.
I don't know what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.
Just say what you feel, Joey.
Marcel, I'm hungry.
ROSS: That was good.
- Marcel, this is for you. - Oh.
It's, uh, just, you know, something to, um...
...do on the plane.
If you don't mind, I'd like a moment, just me and him.
- Sure. - Of course. Absolutely.
ALL: Oh.
Marcel, come here. Come here.
Come here.
Well, buddy...
...this is it.
There's just a couple of things I wanted to say.
I'm really gonna miss you.
You know'? And I'm never gonna forget about you.
You've been more than just a pet to me.
You've been more like a--
Okay. Marcel, would you--?
Marcel, would you leave my leg alone?
Would you just stop humping me for two seconds? Marc-- Would you--?
Okay, would you just take him away? Just take him.
O! that I were a glove upon that hand...
...that I might touch thy cheek.
WOMAN: That's fine. Thank you.
MAN: Next.
Hi. Uh, I'll be reading for the role of Meroutio.
MAN: Name'? - Holden McGroin.
[English - US - SDH]