Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 20 - The One with the Evil Orthodontist - full transcript

I can't believe
you'd actually say that.

I'd much rather be Mr. Peanut
than Mr. Salty.

No way.
Mr. Salty is a sailor.

He's gotta be
the toughest snack there is.

I don't know. You don't
wanna mess with Cornnuts.

They're crazy.

Oh, my God. You gotta come see this.

There's some creep out there
with a telescope.

I can't believe it.
He's looking right at us.

Oh, that is so sick.

I feel violated.



And not in a good way.

How can people do that?

You guys, look.
Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots.

The One With the Evil Orthodontist

Years from now,
school children will study it...

...as one of the greatest
first dates ever.

-Yeah.
-I'll say, yeah.

It was unbelievable.

We could be ourselves.
We didn't have to play games.

-Have you called her?
-She'd know I like her. That's crazy.

Guys. It's gross.

It's the next day.
How needy do I wanna seem?

-I'm right. Right?
-Yeah, let her dangle.

I can't believe my parents are
pushing me to find one of you people.



Come on. Just do it.

Call her.
Stop being so testosterone-y.

Which, by the way,
is the real San Francisco treat.

-Her machine.
-Answering machine?

No, interestingly,
her leaf blower picked up.

So, why didn't you say anything?

No. Last time I left
a spontaneous message...

... I ended up using the phrase,
"Yes, indeed-io."

Look, it's Rachel and Barry.
Don't everybody look.

What's going on?

-They're just talking.
-Does he look upset?

Does he look like he was told
to shove anything?

No. Actually, he's smiling.

Oh, my God. Don't do that.

What? What? What?

That man across the street
just kicked that pigeon.

And basically, that's how
a bill becomes a law.

See? Hey, Rach.

How'd it go?

You know, it was actually
really great.

Lunch at the Russian Tea Room.

I had that chicken, where you poke it
and butter squirts out.

Not a good day for birds.

Then we went to Bendel's.

And I told him not to, but he got me
a bottle of Chanel.

That's nice. Now was that before
or after you told him...

...to stop calling, stop sending
flowers and to leave you alone?

Right. Well, we never actually
got to that.

It was just so nice to see him again.

It was comfortable
and it was familiar.

It was just nice.

That's nice twice.

Isn't this the same Barry
who you left at the altar?

Where have you been?

It was different
with him today.

He wasn't, like, Orthodontist Guy.

I mean, we had fun.
Is there anything wrong with that?

-Why?
-I have my reasons.

He's engaged to another woman...

...who happens to be
your ex-best friend?

All right.
I know it's stupid.

I'll see him this afternoon
and put an end to it.

I'm not crazy, right?
I mean, it was never like that.

No, it wasn't.

It was so nice
having this little sink here.

Then with authority, hang up.

Will you just leave her the message?

Okay. All right, fine.

"Oh, Danielle,
I wasn't expecting the machine.

Give me a call
when you get a chance.

Bye-bye.

Oh, God.

That's what you've been working on
for two hours?

Hey, I've been honing.

-What was with the dishes?
-She might think I'm in a restaurant.

I might have a life.
Like I haven't been sitting here...

... honing for the last two hours?

-The telescope guy's doing it again.
-Oh, my God.

Go away.
Stop looking in here.

Great.
Now he's waving back.

We gotta do something.

I caught him looking into our place.
I feel like I can't do stuff.

What kind of stuff?

Will you grow up?
I'm not talking about sexy stuff...

...but, like,
when I'm cooking naked.

You cook naked?

Yeah, toast, oatmeal.
Nothing that spatters.

What are you looking at me for?
I didn't know that.

What's the matter?

I just
Oh, Barry, this was not good.

No, it was.
It was very, very good.

-What about Mindy?
-Way better than Mindy.

I mean, what about you and Mindy?

If you want, I'll
break it off with her.

No, don't do that.
Not for me.

Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush
is here for his adjustment.

Thanks, Bernice.

Let's go away this weekend.

-This is all way too
-No, we can go to Aruba.

When I went there on what
would've been our honeymoon...

...it was really nice.
You would've liked it.

I had a bra.

Hey, Dr. Farber.

All right, Miss Greene,
everything looks fine.

We're starting to see
some real progress.

-What?
-I'm 1 2, I'm not stupid.

Can I use your phone?

For future reference,
that thing in your hand...

...can also be used as a phone.

Yes, it's working.

-Why isn't she calling?
-Maybe she never got your message.

Call her machine,
and if she has a lot of beeps...

...that means she didn't get
her messages yet.

-Doesn't that make me seem?
-Desperate? Needy? Pathetic?

You obviously saw my personal ad.

How many beeps?

She answered.

This is where you'd use
that "hello" word.

I won't talk to her.
She got my message...

...and is choosing not to call me.
Now I'm needy and snubbed.

God, I miss just being needy.

So how'd he take it?

Pretty well, actually.

How come you have
dental floss in your hair?

Oh, do l?

-We ended up having sex in his chair.
-You had sex in his chair?

I said that a little
too loudly, didn't l?

You had what?

Sex in his chair.

What...? What were you thinking?

I don't know.
We still care about each other.

There's a history there.
It's like you and Carol.

It's nothing like me and Carol.

If she said to you,
"Ross, I want you on this couch...

... right here, right now,"
what would you say?

If it helps, I could slide over.

It's a totally different situation.
It's apples and oranges.

It's orthodontists and lesbians
I gotta go.

-Where are you going?
-I just have to go.

I have things to do with my life.

I have a jam-packed schedule.

And I am late for keeping up
with it, okay?

Mindy.

How are you?

Yes, I heard. Congratulations.
That is so great.

Really, oh, God

I'm working tomorrow, but if you
want, you can come by if you'd like.

Great.

Great.

So I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Bye.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

So how's Mindy?

She wants to see me tomorrow. She
sounded weird. I gotta call Barry.

It's me. I just
Mindy.

Mindy. No, I figured
that's where you'd be.

Hell is filled
with people like you.

He's back.
The peeper's back.

-Get down.
-Get down?

And boogie.

I gotta go and get
my eyes scratched out by Mindy.

She may not even know.

I haven't heard from her in seven
months, what else is it about?

She was my best friend.

We went to camp together,
she taught me how to kiss....

Now, you know,
I'm, like, the other woman.

-I feel so
-Naughty.

-See you later.
-I'll walk with you.

When she taught you to kiss, were you
wearing any kind of little uniform?

That's fine, yeah.

I'm going to the bathroom.
Will you watch my phone?

-Take it with you.
-We haven't had a second date...

-...she needs to hear me pee?
-Why don't you call her?

I can't. I left a message.
I have some pride.

-Do you?
-No.

Danielle, hi.

It's Chandler.

I'm fine.

Listen....

I don't know if you tried
to call me because...

... I accidentally shut off my phone.

That's fine. That's great. Okay.

She's on the other line.
She's gonna call me back.

She's on the other line,
she's gonna call me back.

-Don't you have to pee?
-That's why I'm dancing.

-Mindy.
-Hey, you.

Hey, you.

So what's up?

We should really be sitting for this.

Sure we should.

I'm gonna ask once,
and I want a straight answer.

Not like when I asked if those red
pants made my ass look big.

I know things have been weird...

...but you're my oldest friend,
except for Laurie...

...who's bitter because
she lost weight...

...and it turns out,
she doesn't have a pretty face.

-Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
-Okay.

Will you be my maid of honor?

-Of course.
-That's so great.

It is. It is. It is.

-That's all you wanted to ask?
-That's all.

-What?
-That's not all.

-Oh, sure it is.
-Oh, no, it isn't.

I think Barry's seeing someone
in the city.

What would make you think that?

Since the engagement,
he's acted weird.

And then last night, he came home
smelling like Chanel.

Really?

If it'll make you feel any better...

...when Barry and I got engaged,
he was weird too.

Oh, God.
That's what I was afraid of.

What's what you were afraid of?

When Barry was engaged to you,
he and l...

... kind of had
a little thing on the side.

-What?
-I know, I know.

When he proposed, people said, "He'll
do to you what he did to Rachel."

And now I feel so stupid.

You are so stupid.

We are both so stupid.

What do you mean?

Smell familiar?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, me.
I am so sorry.

No, I am sorry.
I'm sorry.

Oh, my.

Four letters, "circle or hoop."

-Ring, damn it, ring.
-Thanks.

-You know our phone's not working?
-What?

I called and there was no answer.

I turned it off.

Mother of God, I turned it off.

Just like you told her you did.

Just pointing out the irony.

I went across the street
to the doorman.

I got the peeper's name.
Can I use the phone?

Can I use your phone?

The number for a Sidney Marks, please.

"Heating device."

Radiator.

Five letters.

"Rdtor."

Yeah, is Sidney there?

Oh, this is? Sidney's a woman.

So she's a woman, so what?

Yeah, so what?

I live across the street, and I know
about your telescope.

And I don't appreciate it.

Yeah, I can see you right now.
Hello?

If I wanna walk around in my
underwear, I shouldn't have to feel

Thank you.

That's not really the point.
The point is, that

Mostly free-weights,
but occasionally

Yeah, my neighbor.
Yeah, the brunette.

She said you looked pretty that day
in the green dress.

The green dress? Really?

She said you looked like
lngrid Bergman.

Did she mention me?

She wants to know why you tie
the towel around your head.

It's a leave-in conditioner, okay?

It's a leave-in conditioner.

-You got a second?
-Sure, sure.

Come on...

-...in.
-Hello, sweetheart.

What you guys doing here?

We are here to break up with you.

Both of you?

We think you're a horrible person,
and bad things should happen to you.

I'm sorry.
God, I am so sorry.

I was weak.
I couldn't help myself.

Whatever I did, I only did
because I love you so much.

Which one of us
are you talking to there?

Mindy.

Of course, Mindy.
It was always Mindy.

When we were having sex
in that chair?

I swear, whatever I was doing,
I was thinking of you.

Please. That second time, you couldn't
have picked her out of a lineup.

You did it twice?

The first time didn't really count.
You know, it was Barry.

Honey, sweetheart, look.
Just give me another chance.

We'll start over.
We'll go back to Aruba.

What is it with you and Aruba?
Do you have a deal with the airlines?

What do you say?

Dr. Farber, we've got
an emergency here.

Jason Castalano 's choking
on his retainer.

Oh, God.
I'll be right there, Bernice.

Look, please don't go anywhere.

I'll be right back.

Okay, and we'll be here,
hating you.

See how he was sweating
when he walked out?

If I'm hogging the ball,
you jump right in there...

...and take some punches.
This feels great.

I'm pretty sure
I'm still gonna marry him.

What are you talking about?

Mindy, the guy is the devil.

He is Satan in a smock.

I know he's not perfect.

But the truth is at the end of
the day, I still really wanna be...

... Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber...

... D. D.S.

Oh, God.

I hope you can find a way
to be happy for me.

And I hope you'll still be
my maid of honor.

And I hope Barry doesn't kill you
and eat you in Aruba.

You okay?

Really?

Since I ran out on Barry
at the wedding...

...I've wondered whether I made
the right choice.

And now I know.

I'm so glad.

Big day.

I'll give you this:
Mr. Peanut is a better dresser.

He's got the monocle,
he's got the top hat....

Did you know he's gay?

I just wanna clarify this.
Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

Danielle, hi.

Everybody, this is Danielle.
Danielle, everybody.

Why are you here?

I've been calling,
but I had your number wrong.

When I got the right one,
there was no answer.

So I thought I'd come down here
and make sure you were okay.

I'm okay.

Maybe we could get together later?

That sounds good. I'll call you.
Or you call me, whatever.

You got it.

-Bye, everybody.
-Bye.

-There you go.
-Second date.

I don't know.

You don't know?

She seems nice, but her coming
all the way here...

...just to see if I was okay?
I mean, how needy is that?