Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 18 - The One with All the Poker - full transcript

We're running low on resumes.

You want a job
with Popular Mechanics?

If you're gonna work for mechanics,
those are the ones.

Guys, I'm going for anything here.
I can't be a waitress anymore.

I'm sick of the lousy tips.
I'm sick of being called "Excuse Me."

-Paper cut! Paper cut!
-Here.

Grapefruit juice! Grapefruit juice!

Okay, we're almost done.
Only 20 more to go.

-Rach, did you proofread these?
-Yeah. Why?

Nothing. I'm sure they'll be
impressed with your "compuper" skills.

Oh, my God!
Do you think it's on all of them?



No, I'm sure the Xerox machine
caught a few.

The One With the Poker

They call this a love seat but I'm not
feeling anything special towards you.

-Hey, guys.
-Hey.

Hi, ladies.

Can I get you anything?
Did you bring the mail?

-Lots of responses.
-Really? Sure, we have scones left!

Read them.

"Dear Miss Greene:
Thank you for your inquiry. However"

-We have apple cinnamon
-"Dear Ms. Greene...." Yeah, yeah! No.

-What?
-Your Visa bill is huge!

Give me that.

Linda's great.
Why won't you go out with her?

-I don't know.
-ls this about her...



... "The Flintstones could
have really happened" thing?

It's not just that. I want someone
who does something for me...

...who gets my heart pounding.

Who makes me....

Little playthings with yarn?

What?

Could you want her more?

Who?

Dee, the sarcastic sister
from What's Happening!!.

Look, I'm totally over her.

-Hi!
-Coffee?

-No, we're fine.
-Okay.

-Shut up!
-We're not saying anything.

-What?
-Joey cried last night.

-Thank you.
-We were playing poker

There was chocolate on the three.
It looked like an eight.

You should have seen him.
"Read them and weep!"

And then he did.

Now, how come you guys
have never played poker with us?

Yeah, what is that?
Like some kind of sexist guy thing?

-It's poker, so only guys can play?
-No. Women can play.

Then, what is it? Some kind of, like,
some kind of, you know

All right, what is it?

There are just no women
in our game.

We just don't know any
women who know how to play poker.

That is a lame excuse.
It's a typical guy response.

Do you know how to play?

No.

-But you could teach us.
-No.

Okay, so now we draw cards.

So I wouldn't need any.
I have a straight.

-Oh, good for you!
-Congratulations!

-Pheebs, how many do you want?
-I just need two.

The 10 of spades and the 6 of clubs.

-No, you can't
-I have the 10 of spades! Here.

Thanks!

-No, you can't do that.
-Don't need them. I'm going for fours.

Oh, you're

You're going for fours.
Chandler, could you? Thanks, man.

Here we go.

We've got salmon roulettes
and crudites.

What are you doing?

In poker, there's no food
with more than one syllable.

It's got to be like chips
or dip or pretz

I hope you'll let it slide just
this once. I was all out of "pretz."

Now the dealer

We got it. Let's play for real.
High stakes. Big bucks!

You sure? Phoebe just threw away two
jacks because they didn't look happy.

But I'm ready. So just deal.

Okay, last-minute lesson!
Joey....

Three.

Eight.

Eight. Three.
All right, very good.

Damn it, damn it, damn it!

Joey had two fives showing,
so for you to raise was

Yes?

Downright gutsy.

-I see, so you were lying.
-About what?

-About how good your cards were.
-I was bluffing.

And what is bluffing?

Is it not another word for lying?

Sorry to break up this party, but I've
got to go fax resumes before work.

-We've got to settle.
-Settle what?

The Jamestown colony of Virginia.

See, King George is giving us
the land....

-The game, Rachel. You owe us money.
-Right.

It's their first time.
Let's forget about the money.

Hell, no. We'll pay!

Monica, I had another
answer all ready.

And you know what?
We want a rematch.

That's fine with me.
Could use some money.

-You're enjoying this, aren't you?
-Well, yeah, I am.

So you get your ya-yas
by taking money from your friends.

Yes, and I get my ya-yas from KEA.

You have to put them together
yourself, but they cost less.

Look, this is poker.
I play to win.

For me to win,
others have to lose.

If you're gonna play,
don't expect me to be nice.

Because once those cards are dealt....

Yeah?

I'm not a nice guy.

All right, let's eat.

Did you get that
from the "I Love Rachel Pizzeria"?

-You still on that?
-What was with that Black Bart speech?

"When I play poker,
I'm not a nice guy."

You're way off.

No, I don't think so,
because I think you love her!

No. I might have had feelings
for her at one time. Not anymore.

I just

Marcel! Where are you going
with that disk?

You are not putting that on again.

If you press that button,
you are in very big trouble.

You believe what a jerk
Ross was being?

-Yeah, I know.
-He can get really competitive.

What?

"Hello, kettle? This is Monica.
You're black!"

Please!

I'm not as bad as Ross.

I beg to differ.
The Pictionary incident?

That wasn't an incident.

I was gesturing and the plate
slipped out of my hand.

-I got an interview!
-You're kidding! Where?

Saks Fifth Avenue.

Oh, Rachel!

It's like the mother ship
is calling you home.

-What's the job?
-Assistant buyer.

I would be shopping!

For a living!

That's Aunt lris. She's been
playing poker since she was 5.

You've got to listen
to every word she says.

-ls Tony Randall dead?
-I don't think so.

-He may be now. I hit him with my car.
-My God, really?

No, that's bluffing.
Lesson number one.

Let me tell you something. Everything
you hear at a poker game is pure crap!

-Nice earrings.
-Thank you.

-Girls, sit down.
-Aunt lris, this is Phoebe and Rachel.

Listen, I'm parked at a meter.
Let's do it. Okay?

We'll start with five-card draw.

Then we'll go into the studs and the
hold 'ems. I talked to Cousin Nathan.

Don't touch the cards
when somebody is dealing.

How is Nathan?

Now he thinks he's a man
in a woman's body.

Don't you mean
a woman in a man's body?

It should be so simple.

Ross, could we please listen
to anything else?

All right.

I'm gonna pay for that tonight.

Hi. Guys, guess what?

The fifth dentist caved, and now
they're all recommending Trident?

No, the interview!

Unbelievable!
She absolutely loved me.

We talked for over two hours.
We've the same taste in clothes.

And I went to camp with her cousin.

-The job is perfect! I can do this.
-That's great!

-Then she told a funny story.
-Great, tell us and we'll laugh.

Let's play poker!

Listen, we talked about it and
if you don't wanna play, it's okay.

Yes, we can play some other game.
Like Pictionary?

Very funny.

-But we'd like to try poker again.
-Yes, I think we should.

-Do you want me to shuffle those?
-That's okay, I'm gonna give it a go.

So Pheebs owes $7. 50.
Monica owes $10.00.

And Rachel, you owe 1 5 big ones!

Thanks for teaching us Cross-Eyed
Mary. We gotta play that other way.

All right, here's my $7.50.
But this money is cursed.

-What?
-I cursed it!

Now bad things will happen
to the spender.

I'll take it.
Bad things happen to me anyway.

This way, I can split them up
with a movie.

So that just leaves the big Greene
poker machine, who owes 1 5.

Could you be any smugger?

Let's see. Rach, I'm opening up
a new art gallery...

...and I could sure use the portraits
of Lincoln and Hamilton.

It's so typical.
"I'm a man! I have a penis!

I have to win money
to exert my power over women!"

This isn't over.

We'll play you again.
We'll win. You'll lose.

You'll beg. We'll laugh.

We'll take every last dime you have.
And you'll hate yourselves forever!

Kind of stepped on
my point there, Mon.

I can't believe you lost!
How much did they take?

Like 30 bucks.

-I'll give you that money back.
-Really?

No, I'm bluffing!
You guys haven't learned crap!

-Hand me the cards!
-Can l?

Yes!

Wanna give us your money now? We can
skip the formality of really playing.

No, that's fine. We'll see who has
the last laugh, monkey boy.

Done with chitchat?
Ready for serious poker?

You guys, look! The one-eyed jack
follows me wherever I go.

Right. Serious poker.

-Mon, got any more of those salmon?
-You want to eat or play poker?

-Where are you going?
-To the bathroom.

Want to go to the bathroom
or play poker?

Go to the bathroom.

-Well, I'm gonna order a pizza.
-No!

I'm waiting to hear from that job.
The store closes at 9:00. Eat then.

That's fine. I'll just have a Tic Tac
to hold me over.

All right. Cincinnati. No blinds.
Everybody, ante.

Yes!

Or no.

-All right! Your money's mine, Greene.
-Your fly's open, Geller.

You know what I just realized?
Joker is poker with a "J"!

Coincidence?

That's jo-incidence with a "C"!

-Phoebe?
-Yeah, I'm out.

-I'm in.
-Me too.

Me too.
What do you got?

You better hop out of the shower,
because I got a flush.

Well, well, well!

Hop back in, bucko,
because I got four sixes!

I got four sixes! I won!
I actually won! Oh, my God!

You know what?
I'll make a little Ross pile.

Look!

I think that one was Ross'.
And I think that one was Ross'.

Well, I have got your money
And you'll never see it

And your fly's still open

I made you look

-I'm in.
-I couldn't be in-er.

Monica, in or out?

I hate this game!

Joey, your bet.

I fold like a hooker
who got hit in the stomach...

... by a fat guy
with sores on his face.

I'm out.

-Ross?
-I'm very in.

-Chandler?
-Couldn't be more out.

Me too. Rachel?

I will see you and I'll raise you.
Do you wanna waste another buck?

No, not this time.
What did you have?

-I'm not telling.
-Show them.

-No.
-Show them!

-Get your hands out of there!
-I've had dates like this.

Boy, you really can't stand
to lose, can you?

Your whole face is getting red.
Veins popping out of your temple!

Plus, that shirt doesn't really
match those pants.

-I'm not losing.
-You're definitely losing.

Hello. Rachel Greene.

Excuse me. It's about the job!

Barbara, hi! How are you?

No, I understand.

Come on. No, I'm fine.
Don't be silly. Yeah.

But if anything else
opens up, please

Hello?

Sorry, Rach.

There's gonna be lots
of other stuff.

Okay.

Where were we?

Five-card draw. Jacks are better.
Nothing wild. Everybody, ante.

-Look, Rach, we don't have to do this.
-Yes, we do.

-All right. Check.
-Check.

-I'm in for 50 cents.
-Call.

I'm in.

I see your 50 cents...

...and I raise you $5.

I thought it was a 50-cent limit.

I just lost a job,
I'd like to raise it $5.

Does anyone have
a problem with that?

-Not at all.
-No.

Loser?

-No, I fold.
-What do you mean, you fold?

I thought that, "Once the cards
are dealt, I'm not a nice guy."

Were you just full of it?

I'm in.

-How many do you want?
-One.

Dealer takes two.

-What do you bet?
-I bet $2.

Okay. I see your $2...

...and I raise you...

... 20.

I see your $20...

... raise you $25.

I see your $25
and Monica, get my purse.

Rachel, there's nothing in it.

Okay, then get me your purse.

-Here you go. Good luck!
-Thank you.

I saw your $25 and I raise you...

...seven.

teen!

Joey, I'm a little shy.

That's okay, Ross. You can ask me.

-What do you need?
-1 5.

-Here's 10.
-I got 5.

-Thank you.
-Good luck.

I am calling your 1 7.

What do you got?

Full house.

You got me.

-That's tough to beat.
-I thought we had it!

When you don't have the cards,
you don't have the cards.

But look how happy she is.

-Airmail.
-Airplane. Airport. Airport '75!

Airport '77! Airport '79!

Time's up!

Bye Bye Birdie!

That's a bird?

That's a bird!

Okay, it's my turn.

Go!

Bean! Bean!

The Unbearable Lightness of Being!

That you get?

That you get?!