Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 14 - The One with the Candy Hearts - full transcript
As Valentine's Day approaches; Ross and his date end up at the same restaurant as Carol and Susan, Joey inadvertently sets Chandler up on a blind date with Janice, and the girls burn mementos of their old boyfriends.
I'm telling you, Ross, she wants you.
She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.
- Any contact? - She lent me an egg once.
You're in.
Oh, right.
- Hey, Ross. - Hey.
Come on, Ross. You gotta get back in the game here.
The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife's a lesbian, you...
I don't think we need a third.
Excuse me. Could we get an egg over here, still in the shell?
An egg?
Yeah. Go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back. I'm returning your egg. "
I think it's winning.
- I think it's insane. - She'll love it.
- Thank you. - Thank you. Here.
Go with the egg, my friend.
Go, go, go.
- Think it'll work? - It's suicide. The man's got an egg.
- You cannot do this. - What? Do what?
Roger wants to take her out.
No. Pheebs. Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?
Because he was creepy.
And mean. And a little frightening.
Still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day.
- Hi. - Hi.
You can go out with a creep any night of the year.
I know I do.
- Hi. - Hi.
What are you doing tomorrow night?
Actually, tomorrow night depends on how tonight goes.
- Oh. Uh, listen, about tonight... - No, no, don't you dare bail on me.
She's only going out with me because I'm bringing a friend for her friend.
But her friend sounds like such a...
Pathetic mess. I know, but...
Come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinking:
Thanks.
You haven't been out with a woman since Janice. You're doing this.
- Hi. - Hi.
- She said yes. - Ahem.
Yes! Way to go, man.
- Still got the egg, huh? - Yeah.
- How do I look? - Oh, um...
...I don't care.
There's Lorraine.
Now, remember, no trading.
You get the pretty one. I get the mess.
- Hi, Joey. - Hey.
Well, well.
Look what you brought.
Very nice.
And what did you bring?
She's checking her coat.
Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off of my hands.
Will you get me a white zinfandel and a glass of red for Janice?
Janice?
Oh...
...my...
...God.
Hey, it's Janice.
Okay, I'm making a break for it. I'm going out the window.
No, don't, please. I've been waiting for forever to go out with Lorraine.
- Just calm down. - Calm down? Calm down?
You set me up with a woman I've dumped twice in the last five months.
Hey.
Can you stop yelling? You're making me nervous...
...and I can't go when I'm nervous.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right.
Come on! Do it, do it, do it! Come on!
Okay, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.
- Which one was he? - Pete the Weeper?
Remember the guy that used to cry every time we had sex?
"Oh, was it good for you?"
Well, I'd take a little crying any day over Howard, the "I win" guy.
"I win. I win. "
I went out with him for two months. I didn't get to win once.
How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people.
I don't know. I think we're like some kind of magnets.
I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
There's more beer, right?
Oh. You know my friend Abby who shaves her head?
She says to break the bad-boyfriend cycle...
...you can do a cleansing ritual.
Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Yeah.
So we can do it tomorrow night, you guys.
It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.
Okay, well, what kind of ritual?
Okay, we can, um, burn the stuff they gave us.
Or?
Or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.
- Burning's good. - Burning's good.
I've got stuff to burn.
You know...
...ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes.
Yeah? Good for you.
Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?
By the way, Chandler, I cut you out of all of my pictures.
So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
That's okay.
Are you sure? Because you could make little puppets out of them.
And you could use them in your Theater of Cruelty.
We can't do that.
What? What can't you do?
Uh, can I talk to you for a second? Over there?
Uh, we might be leaving now.
Tell me it's you and me "we. "
She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off.
I'm not even sure what slathering is.
But I definitely want to be a part of it.
Okay, you cannot do this to me.
You're right. I'm sorry. You're right.
Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go, please?
I'm out of here.
Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler.
I hope she throws up on you.
Thanks.
- So... - Just us.
Ugh, what a crappy night.
Although I have enjoyed the fact that your shirt's been sticking out...
...of your zipper since you came back from the bathroom.
Excuse me.
How you doing?
So do we have the best friends, or what?
Joey's not a friend. He's...
...a stupid man who left us his credit card.
Another drink? Some dessert? A big-screen TV?
I will go for that drink.
You got it. Good woman.
A bottle of your most overpriced champagne.
- Each. - That's right. Each.
Oh. And a, uh, Rob Roy.
I've always wanted to know.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, I miss you already.
Can you believe this happened?
No, no.
And yet it did.
- Goodbye, Janice. - Kiss me.
Oh, Chandler. Sorry.
- Hey, Janice. - Hi, Monica.
Okay. Well, this was very special.
Rach, come see who's out here.
What's going on...? Oh, my God.
Janice. Hi.
Janice is gonna go away now.
I'll be right back.
Oh. Joey. Look who it is.
Whoa.
Oh, good. Joey's home now.
This is so much fun.
This is like a reunion in the hall.
Hi, Ross. There's someone I want you to say hi to.
He just happened to call.
Hello, Ross. Yes, that's right. It's me. How did you know?
I'm just saying if dogs do experience jet lag, then...
...because of the whole seven-dog- years-to-one-human-year thing...
...that when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles...
...he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses, like, a week and a half.
- That's funny. - Yeah.
What?
Who are they?
The, uh, blond is my ex-wife.
And the woman touching her is her...
...close personal friend.
You mean they're lovers?
If you want to put a label on it.
Wow. Heh.
- Anything else I should know? - Nope. That's it.
Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby.
I always forget that part.
Hello.
Okay. So now we need, um, sage branches and the sacramental wine.
All I had is oregano and a Fresca.
Um, that's okay.
- Ooh. - Okay.
All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Huh. Okay, Pheebs, if we had that...
...we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
- Can we start throwing things in? - Um, yeah, okay.
Oh. Okay. Um...
Okay. Barry's letters.
Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.
And I have the receipt from my dinner with:
- A picture of Scotty Jared, naked. - Let me see.
He's wearing a sweater.
- No. - Ew!
Okay, and here we have the last of Paolo's grappa.
Wait. Isn't it almost pure...?
How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
Oh, man. In my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush.
Hello, funny valentine.
Hi, just Janice.
Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker.
I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna.
Oh. Okay, heh. Ha, ha, okay.
If you don't do it, I will.
So, um, what do you do for a living?
Well, um for the past few years...
Oh, no. You said they could shoot the spot without you.
I thought they could.
- Working with children, which is really fulfilling.
I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry.
So I'm spending most of my time teaching science, heh...
...which is funny because that wasn't even my major.
Now, that is funny.
Hey, do you think...?
Would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us?
Because she's alone now.
And pregnant. And sad.
- I guess. - Are you sure?
Thanks. Carol.
Wanna come over and join us?
Oh, no. I'm fine.
Come on, stand up. These people will scooch down. Come on.
Come over here. You guys will scooch, won't you?
Let's try scooching. Come on.
- Come on. - Thank you.
Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willet.
- Carol, Kristen. - How do you do?
Um... Oh, uh, Carol teaches sixth grade.
And, uh, Kristen...
Kristen does something...
...that, funnily enough...
...wasn't even her major.
What do we got there?
A piece of silk boxer shorts...
...some greeting cards...
...what looks like a half-charred picture of...
Wow, that guy's hairier than the chief.
You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.
It's all right. Don't explain.
It's not the first boyfriend bonfire we've seen get out of control.
- You're our third call tonight. - Really?
Sure. Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.
I brought you something.
Is it loaded?
Oh, little candy hearts.
"Chan and Jan forever. "
I had them made special.
Okay, Janice.
Janice.
Hey, Janice.
Look, there's no way for me to tell you this.
At least, there's no new way for me to tell you this.
I just don't think things are gonna work out.
That's fine.
- It is? - Mm-hm.
Because I know that this isn't the end.
Oh, no. You see, actually, it is.
No, it isn't. Because you won't let that happen.
Don't you know it yet?
You love me, Chandler Bing.
Oh, no, I don't.
Then why do you think we keep ending up together?
New Year's, who invited who?
Valentine's, who asked who into whose bed?
- I did, but... - You seek me out.
Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn.
Janice. Janice.
You want me. You need me.
You can't live without me.
And you know it.
You just don't know you know it.
See you.
Call me.
It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.
You did so. I swear. I swear to...
How long has she been in the bathroom?
Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.
Well, maybe it's cold in there.
Maybe I screwed up the first date I had in nine years.
- That could be it. - Oh, God.
You know, this is still pretty hot.
Mushroom.
Smile.
They won't all be like this. Some might even stay through dinner.
- I'm sorry. That's not funny. - No, it's just...
Well, you know the whole getting-on-with-your-life thing?
Well, do I have to?
I mean, well, I'm sitting here with this cute woman...
...and she's perfectly nice, you know?
But there's...
That's it.
And, uh, then I'm here talking to you, and it's easy and it's fun.
And I don't have to...
- I know. - You know?
Here's a wacky thought. Um, ahem.
- Let's say you and I give it another shot. - Ross.
No, no, I know what you're gonna say. You're a lesbian.
But what do you say we just put that aside for now, you know?
Let's just stick a pin in it, okay?
Because we're great together, you know?
You can't deny it.
And besides, you're carrying my baby.
- I mean, how perfect is that? - Ross...
You keep saying that, but there's something right here.
I love you.
I love you too.
- But... - No "but. " No "but. "
You know that thing we put over here with the pin in it?
It's time to take the pin out.
Yeah.
You'll find someone. I know you will. The right woman is waiting for you.
It's easy for you to say. You found one already.
All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.
Not her.
We get off around midnight. Why don't we pick you up then?
- Okay. - Great.
So, um, will you bring the truck?
- I'll even let you ring the bell. - Wohoo!
- We'll see you later. - Bye. See you later.
Thanks. See you.
Oh, my God.
See, there you go.
- The cleansing worked. - You're right.
They're nice guys.
They're firemen guys.
- You tell them you're married? - No way.
My girlfriend doesn't know. I'm not gonna tell them.
[English - US - SDH]
She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.
- Any contact? - She lent me an egg once.
You're in.
Oh, right.
- Hey, Ross. - Hey.
Come on, Ross. You gotta get back in the game here.
The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife's a lesbian, you...
I don't think we need a third.
Excuse me. Could we get an egg over here, still in the shell?
An egg?
Yeah. Go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back. I'm returning your egg. "
I think it's winning.
- I think it's insane. - She'll love it.
- Thank you. - Thank you. Here.
Go with the egg, my friend.
Go, go, go.
- Think it'll work? - It's suicide. The man's got an egg.
- You cannot do this. - What? Do what?
Roger wants to take her out.
No. Pheebs. Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?
Because he was creepy.
And mean. And a little frightening.
Still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day.
- Hi. - Hi.
You can go out with a creep any night of the year.
I know I do.
- Hi. - Hi.
What are you doing tomorrow night?
Actually, tomorrow night depends on how tonight goes.
- Oh. Uh, listen, about tonight... - No, no, don't you dare bail on me.
She's only going out with me because I'm bringing a friend for her friend.
But her friend sounds like such a...
Pathetic mess. I know, but...
Come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinking:
Thanks.
You haven't been out with a woman since Janice. You're doing this.
- Hi. - Hi.
- She said yes. - Ahem.
Yes! Way to go, man.
- Still got the egg, huh? - Yeah.
- How do I look? - Oh, um...
...I don't care.
There's Lorraine.
Now, remember, no trading.
You get the pretty one. I get the mess.
- Hi, Joey. - Hey.
Well, well.
Look what you brought.
Very nice.
And what did you bring?
She's checking her coat.
Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off of my hands.
Will you get me a white zinfandel and a glass of red for Janice?
Janice?
Oh...
...my...
...God.
Hey, it's Janice.
Okay, I'm making a break for it. I'm going out the window.
No, don't, please. I've been waiting for forever to go out with Lorraine.
- Just calm down. - Calm down? Calm down?
You set me up with a woman I've dumped twice in the last five months.
Hey.
Can you stop yelling? You're making me nervous...
...and I can't go when I'm nervous.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right.
Come on! Do it, do it, do it! Come on!
Okay, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.
- Which one was he? - Pete the Weeper?
Remember the guy that used to cry every time we had sex?
"Oh, was it good for you?"
Well, I'd take a little crying any day over Howard, the "I win" guy.
"I win. I win. "
I went out with him for two months. I didn't get to win once.
How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people.
I don't know. I think we're like some kind of magnets.
I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
There's more beer, right?
Oh. You know my friend Abby who shaves her head?
She says to break the bad-boyfriend cycle...
...you can do a cleansing ritual.
Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Yeah.
So we can do it tomorrow night, you guys.
It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.
Okay, well, what kind of ritual?
Okay, we can, um, burn the stuff they gave us.
Or?
Or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.
- Burning's good. - Burning's good.
I've got stuff to burn.
You know...
...ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes.
Yeah? Good for you.
Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?
By the way, Chandler, I cut you out of all of my pictures.
So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
That's okay.
Are you sure? Because you could make little puppets out of them.
And you could use them in your Theater of Cruelty.
We can't do that.
What? What can't you do?
Uh, can I talk to you for a second? Over there?
Uh, we might be leaving now.
Tell me it's you and me "we. "
She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off.
I'm not even sure what slathering is.
But I definitely want to be a part of it.
Okay, you cannot do this to me.
You're right. I'm sorry. You're right.
Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go, please?
I'm out of here.
Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler.
I hope she throws up on you.
Thanks.
- So... - Just us.
Ugh, what a crappy night.
Although I have enjoyed the fact that your shirt's been sticking out...
...of your zipper since you came back from the bathroom.
Excuse me.
How you doing?
So do we have the best friends, or what?
Joey's not a friend. He's...
...a stupid man who left us his credit card.
Another drink? Some dessert? A big-screen TV?
I will go for that drink.
You got it. Good woman.
A bottle of your most overpriced champagne.
- Each. - That's right. Each.
Oh. And a, uh, Rob Roy.
I've always wanted to know.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, I miss you already.
Can you believe this happened?
No, no.
And yet it did.
- Goodbye, Janice. - Kiss me.
Oh, Chandler. Sorry.
- Hey, Janice. - Hi, Monica.
Okay. Well, this was very special.
Rach, come see who's out here.
What's going on...? Oh, my God.
Janice. Hi.
Janice is gonna go away now.
I'll be right back.
Oh. Joey. Look who it is.
Whoa.
Oh, good. Joey's home now.
This is so much fun.
This is like a reunion in the hall.
Hi, Ross. There's someone I want you to say hi to.
He just happened to call.
Hello, Ross. Yes, that's right. It's me. How did you know?
I'm just saying if dogs do experience jet lag, then...
...because of the whole seven-dog- years-to-one-human-year thing...
...that when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles...
...he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses, like, a week and a half.
- That's funny. - Yeah.
What?
Who are they?
The, uh, blond is my ex-wife.
And the woman touching her is her...
...close personal friend.
You mean they're lovers?
If you want to put a label on it.
Wow. Heh.
- Anything else I should know? - Nope. That's it.
Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby.
I always forget that part.
Hello.
Okay. So now we need, um, sage branches and the sacramental wine.
All I had is oregano and a Fresca.
Um, that's okay.
- Ooh. - Okay.
All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Huh. Okay, Pheebs, if we had that...
...we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
- Can we start throwing things in? - Um, yeah, okay.
Oh. Okay. Um...
Okay. Barry's letters.
Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.
And I have the receipt from my dinner with:
- A picture of Scotty Jared, naked. - Let me see.
He's wearing a sweater.
- No. - Ew!
Okay, and here we have the last of Paolo's grappa.
Wait. Isn't it almost pure...?
How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
Oh, man. In my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush.
Hello, funny valentine.
Hi, just Janice.
Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker.
I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna.
Oh. Okay, heh. Ha, ha, okay.
If you don't do it, I will.
So, um, what do you do for a living?
Well, um for the past few years...
Oh, no. You said they could shoot the spot without you.
I thought they could.
- Working with children, which is really fulfilling.
I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry.
So I'm spending most of my time teaching science, heh...
...which is funny because that wasn't even my major.
Now, that is funny.
Hey, do you think...?
Would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us?
Because she's alone now.
And pregnant. And sad.
- I guess. - Are you sure?
Thanks. Carol.
Wanna come over and join us?
Oh, no. I'm fine.
Come on, stand up. These people will scooch down. Come on.
Come over here. You guys will scooch, won't you?
Let's try scooching. Come on.
- Come on. - Thank you.
Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willet.
- Carol, Kristen. - How do you do?
Um... Oh, uh, Carol teaches sixth grade.
And, uh, Kristen...
Kristen does something...
...that, funnily enough...
...wasn't even her major.
What do we got there?
A piece of silk boxer shorts...
...some greeting cards...
...what looks like a half-charred picture of...
Wow, that guy's hairier than the chief.
You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.
It's all right. Don't explain.
It's not the first boyfriend bonfire we've seen get out of control.
- You're our third call tonight. - Really?
Sure. Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.
I brought you something.
Is it loaded?
Oh, little candy hearts.
"Chan and Jan forever. "
I had them made special.
Okay, Janice.
Janice.
Hey, Janice.
Look, there's no way for me to tell you this.
At least, there's no new way for me to tell you this.
I just don't think things are gonna work out.
That's fine.
- It is? - Mm-hm.
Because I know that this isn't the end.
Oh, no. You see, actually, it is.
No, it isn't. Because you won't let that happen.
Don't you know it yet?
You love me, Chandler Bing.
Oh, no, I don't.
Then why do you think we keep ending up together?
New Year's, who invited who?
Valentine's, who asked who into whose bed?
- I did, but... - You seek me out.
Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn.
Janice. Janice.
You want me. You need me.
You can't live without me.
And you know it.
You just don't know you know it.
See you.
Call me.
It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.
You did so. I swear. I swear to...
How long has she been in the bathroom?
Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.
Well, maybe it's cold in there.
Maybe I screwed up the first date I had in nine years.
- That could be it. - Oh, God.
You know, this is still pretty hot.
Mushroom.
Smile.
They won't all be like this. Some might even stay through dinner.
- I'm sorry. That's not funny. - No, it's just...
Well, you know the whole getting-on-with-your-life thing?
Well, do I have to?
I mean, well, I'm sitting here with this cute woman...
...and she's perfectly nice, you know?
But there's...
That's it.
And, uh, then I'm here talking to you, and it's easy and it's fun.
And I don't have to...
- I know. - You know?
Here's a wacky thought. Um, ahem.
- Let's say you and I give it another shot. - Ross.
No, no, I know what you're gonna say. You're a lesbian.
But what do you say we just put that aside for now, you know?
Let's just stick a pin in it, okay?
Because we're great together, you know?
You can't deny it.
And besides, you're carrying my baby.
- I mean, how perfect is that? - Ross...
You keep saying that, but there's something right here.
I love you.
I love you too.
- But... - No "but. " No "but. "
You know that thing we put over here with the pin in it?
It's time to take the pin out.
Yeah.
You'll find someone. I know you will. The right woman is waiting for you.
It's easy for you to say. You found one already.
All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.
Not her.
We get off around midnight. Why don't we pick you up then?
- Okay. - Great.
So, um, will you bring the truck?
- I'll even let you ring the bell. - Wohoo!
- We'll see you later. - Bye. See you later.
Thanks. See you.
Oh, my God.
See, there you go.
- The cleansing worked. - You're right.
They're nice guys.
They're firemen guys.
- You tell them you're married? - No way.
My girlfriend doesn't know. I'm not gonna tell them.
[English - US - SDH]