Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 13 - The One with the Boobies - full transcript

Joey finds out his dad has a mistress. Rachel tries to even the score after Chandler inadvertently catches a glimpse of her breasts. Phoebe dates a shrink who analyzes the gang.

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-I'm sorry!
-That is it!

You barge in here
and you don't knock?

You have no respect for privacy.
No, you wait!

-Can I just say one thing?
-What?!

That's a relatively open weave.
I can still see...

...your nippular areas.

The One With The Boobies

Honey, tell them the story
about your patient...

...who thinks things are
other things.

When the phone rings
and she takes a shower.

That's pretty much it.



-But you tell it really well, sweetie.
-Thanks. Okay.

Now go away so we can
talk about you.

Okay. I'll miss you.

-lsn't he great?
-He's cute. He likes you so much.

I know. He's so sweet.
And so complicated, you know?

And for a shrink,
he's not too shrinky.

Think you'll do it on his couch?

I don't know. That's a little weird.

It's vinyl.

Okay, you guys want anything else?

-Could I have?
-We're all out. Anybody else?

Did I miss something?

No, she's still upset
because I saw her boobies.

What were you doing
seeing her boobies?



It was an accident. I wasn't
across the street with a telescope.

Can we change the subject, please?

These aren't her "boobies."
These are her breasts.

Pheebs, I was hoping
for more of a change.

I always liked "Bazoombas."

Gives them a Latin spin.

Can we drop this already, please?

Why are you embarrassed?
They were very nice boobies.

"Nice"? They were "nice"?

That's it?
I mean, mittens are "nice."

Okay. Rock, hard place. Me.

You're so funny!

He's really funny.

I wouldn't wanna be there
when the laughter stops.

Whoa, back up there, sparky.

What did you mean by that?

It seems that maybe
you have intimacy issues...

...that you use your humor
to keep people at a distance.

I mean, I just met you.
I don't know you from Adam.

Only child, right?

Parents divorced
before you hit puberty.

-How did you know that?
-It's textbook.

Hey, you guys.
You all know my dad, right?

-How long are you in the city?
-Two days. I got a job.

I'm better off staying with Joey...

...than going back and forth
on the ferry.

-I don't know this one.
-This is my friend Roger.

-Good to meet you.
-You too.

-What happened to the puppet guy?
-Dad.

Oh, excuse me.
So, Ross, how's the wife?

0 for 2, huh?

Chandler, say something funny.

I gotta go. Miss you too.

-I love you, but it's getting late
-Say hi. Hey, Ma.

I made the appointment
with Dr. Bassida and

Excuse me?

Did you know this isn't Ma?

Her name's Ronni.

She's a pet mortician.

Sure.

So, how long you been...?

Remember when you were a kid,
I'd take you to the navy yard?

-Since then?
-No, it's only been six years.

I wanted you to think of a nice memory
so you'd know I'm not a terrible guy.

-What are you doing?
-Chopping garlic.

You don't crush it?

You're having an affair,
I chop garlic. It's a wacky world.

Joe, you ever been in love?

-I don't know.
-Then you haven't.

-You're burning tomatoes.
-You're one to talk.

Your dad's in love. The worst part is,
it's with two different women.

Oh, man! Please tell me
one of them is Ma.

Of course one of them's Ma.
What's the matter with you?

It's like if you woke up
and found out...

...your dad leads this double life.

He's like actually some spy
working for the ClA.

That'd be cool.

This blows!

Do you think Dad cheated?

I don't think so.
That would involve sex.

I'd like to think that our parents
don't do that.

I know. Why can't parents
just stay parents?

Why do they have to become people?
Why do they have?

Why...

...can't you stop staring
at my breasts?

What?

What?

Didn't you get a good enough look?

We're all adults here.
There's only one way to resolve this.

Since you saw her boobies you have
to show her your pee-pee.

You know,
I don't see that happening.

Come on. He's right. Tit for tat.

Well, I'm not showing you my tat!

-It's Phoebe.
-And Rog!

Come on up.

Oh, good! Rog is here.

-What's the matter with Rog?
-It's a little thing. I hate that guy!

So he was a little analytical.
That's what he does.

Come on, he's not that bad.

You're wrong! Why would I marry her...

...if I thought that she was
a lesbian?

I don't know. Maybe you wanted
your marriage to fail.

Why? Why would l? Why?

I don't know. Maybe low self-esteem?

Maybe to compensate
for overshadowing a sibling. Maybe

Wait! Go back to that "sibling" thing.

Well, I don't know.

You could've sabotaged
your marriage...

...so the sibling would feel like
less of a failure.

That's ridiculous!
I don't feel guilty for her failures.

-You think I'm a failure?
-lsn't he good?

Yeah. No, that's not
what I was saying.

I thought you were on my side.

But maybe you sucked up
to them so they'd favor you.

I married a lesbian
to make you look good!

You're right. I mean, you're right.

It wasn't just the Weebles,
but the Weeble Play Palace...

...and the Weeble's Cruise Ship...

...with this lifeboat
for the Weebles to wobble in.

And Mom just gave them all away.

That's tough, tough stuff.

Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie,
we gotta go.

-Feel better.
-We're gonna be late, sweetie.

-Thanks for everything, Mon.
-No problem.

Listen, it was great seeing you again.

Mon, easy on those cookies, okay?

Remember, they're just food,
they're not love.

I hate that guy!

Good night, you guys.

Oh, look. It's the woman we ordered.

Hey, can we help you?

No, thanks. I'm just waiting
for Joey Tribbiani.

I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Oh, no, not you. Big Joey. Oh, my God!

You're so much cuter than
your pictures.

I'm Ronni.

Cheese Nip?

Joey's having an embolism,
but I'd go for a nip.

Most people,
when their pets pass on...

...want them like they're sleeping.

Occasionally you get a person
who wants them in a pose.

Like chasing their tail.

Or jumping to catch a Frisbee.

Joey, if I go first,
I wanna be looking for my keys.

-That's a good one!
-Hey.

Hey, Dad. Ronni's here.

-Hi.
-Hey.

Hello, babe! What are you doing here?

Oh, you left your hair at my place.

I thought you'd need it tomorrow.

Thank you.

So, who's up for a big
game of Kerplunk?

Look, I shouldn't have come.

I better go. I'll miss the train.

-I don't want you taking that thing.
-Where do I stay? Here?

We'll go to a hotel.

We'll go to a hotel.

-No, you won't.
-No, we won't.

If you go to a hotel,
you'll be doing stuff.

I want you here so I can
keep an eye on you.

-You're gonna keep an eye on us?
-Right.

As long as you are under my roof...

...you're gonna live by my rules.

That means no sleeping
with your girlfriend.

Wow, he's strict.

Dad, you'll be in my room.
You can stay in Chandler's room.

And Chandler will be?

Out here with me, bunking up.

Oh, bunking up. If you smell s'mores,
don't be alarmed.

Thanks. You're a good kid.

I'll show you to my room.

That sounds weird not followed by,
"No, it's late."

This is just for tonight.
Tomorrow you gotta change.

Change?

-Break up with Ronni
-I can't!

Then come clean with Ma!
This is not right!

I don't wanna hear it!
Now go to my room!

Hey, kickie!

-What are you doing?
-Getting comfortable.

-I can't sleep in my underwear.
-Well, you're gonna.

I was thinking about how I'm always
seeing girls on top of girls....

Are they end-to-end,
or tall, like pancakes?

You know, how I date all these women.

I always figured, when the right one
comes along...

... I'll be able to go the distance.

Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking

You're not him, you're you.

When they wanted you in
your father's business, did you cave?

-No.
-No.

You chose
the out-of-work-actor business.

That wasn't easy, but you did it.

I believe when the right woman
comes along...

...you'll have the guts to say,
"No, thanks, I'm married."

-You really think so?
-Yeah, I really do.

-Thanks, Chandler.
-Get off!

-Hi.
-Hi. May I help you?

Joey said I could use your shower
since Chandler's in ours.

Okay. Who are you?

Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rapalono.

The mistress?

-Come on in.
-Thanks.

I'm Rachel. Bathroom's there.

Ronni, how long has Chandler
been in the shower?

Oh, like five minutes.

Perfect.

Fasten your seat belts,
it's pee-pee time.

-Hey, Mr. Trib.
-Hey, good morning, dear.

Chandler Bing,
it's time to see your thing.

-What's with you?
-I thought it was Chandler!

You were supposed to be in there
so I'd see your thing!

Sorry, my thing was in there with me.

-How's it going?
-Good.

Roger's having a dinner thing.
He wanted me to invite you guys.

-So, what's going on?
-Nothing.

It's just....

It's Roger, you know?

There's something about

We just feel that he's....

-We hate that guy!
-We hate him!

-We're sorry, Pheebs.
-Okay.

Don't you think it's just that
he's so perceptive...

...it freaked you out?

No, we hate him!

I'm sorry.

-Ma! What are you doing here?
-I came to give you this and this!

Big ring!

Why'd you fill your father's head
with garbage...

...about making things right?

Things were fine this way!

There's chicken in there. Put it away.

For God's sake, Joey! Really.

-Hold on. You knew?
-Of course I knew. What do you think?

Your father is no James Bond.

You should've heard his stories.

"I'm sleeping over
at my accountant's."

-What is that? Please!
-So then, how could you?

Do you remember
how your father used to be?

Always yelling.
Nothing made him happy.

Not that wood shop, not those
stupid little ships in the bottle.

Now he's happy. I mean, it's nice.
He has a hobby.

Ma, I don't mean
to be disrespectful...

... but what the hell
are you talking about?

-I mean, what about you?
-Me? I'm fine.

Look, honey, in an ideal world...

...there'd be no her and your father
would look like Sting.

And something else:

Ever since that
poodle-stuffer came along...

... he's so ashamed of himself
that he's been more attentive.

He's been more loving. It's like
every day is our anniversary.

-I'm happy for you?
-Well, don't be!

Now everything's screwed up.

I just want it the way it was.

Ma, I'm sorry.

I just did what
I thought you'd want.

I know you did, cookie.
I know you did.

So tell me. Did you see her?

Yeah.

-You're 10 times prettier than she is.
-That's sweet.

Could I take her?

With this ring, no contest.

Oh, no! Don't ever do that!

-What?
-I'm sorry.

I have a thing,
which means you can't ever do that!

-What's wrong, sweetie?
-Nothing.

-No, what's wrong? Come on.
-Okay.

It's nothing. I'm fine.
It's just It's my friends.

They have a liking problem with you...

...in that they don't.

They don't?

But they don't see all
the wonderfulness that I see.

They don't see all the good
and sweet stuff.

-They think you're a little
-What?

Intense and creepy.

-Oh.
-But I don't. Me, Phoebe.

-I'm not at all surprised about that.
-That's why you're so great.

It's quite typical behavior...

...when you have this kind
of dysfunctional group dynamic.

You know, this kind of codependent,
emotionally stunted...

...sitting in your stupid coffeehouse,
with your stupid big cups...

...which might as well
have nipples on them.

And you're all like,
"Oh, define me! Define me!

Love me! I need love!

You talked to your dad?

He's gonna keep cheating on Ma
like she wanted.

Ma will keep pretending
she doesn't know.

And my sister, Tina,
can't see her husband.

He got a restraining order.

Which has nothing to do with it.
I found out today.

Things have changed here
on Waltons'mountain.

-So, Joey, are you okay?
-Yeah, I guess.

It's just You know, they're parents.

After a certain point,
you gotta let go.

You gotta let them
make their own mistakes.

And think, in a few years,
we'll turn into them.

Oh, please.

If I turn into my parents, I'll be
an alcoholic blond chasing men...

...or I'll end up like my mom!

-Hey.
-Hey, Pheebs.

How's it going?

Okay, except I broke up with Roger.

-Yeah, right.
-No, no, really.

-What happened?
-I don't know. I mean...

... he's a good person,
and he can be really sweet.

In some ways,
I think he is so right for me.

It's just.... I hate that guy!

Hi, Joey. What's going on?

Clear the tracks
for the boobie payback.

Next stop, Rachel Greene.

Joey, what the hell were you doing?

Sorry, wrong boobies!

Hello, Joey!

Hello, dear!